| Battle #14: A Crimson Carol Player Name: Ebencrimson Scrooge By Dacta Alright, question. DACTAMPR is listening! No you're not. You're writing the damn battle! Shut UP! Why do I have to be Scrooge? Because DACTAMPR is WRITING the BATTLE! Grumble... EBENCRIMSON SCROOGE was always a HARD, COLD man! Does that mean you have to bring me into your suffering? YES! D'oh! But ONE NIGHT, SCROOGE was visited by his old PARTNER, JACOB DACTA! But you're a GIRL! So? Jacob isn't a girl's name! It's the NINTIES! Um, it's 2000! Dammit! Anyway, JACOB DACTA has been SEVEN YEARS dead! And JACOB DACTA's name was mentioned SEVEN TIMES! And SCROOGE has SEVEN LETTERS in it! What the hell are you doing?? Giving the READERs TEST ANSWERS! What readers? Oh... JACOB DACTA used SHAKE CHAIN! JD: Whoooooaaa... liiie! SCROOGE used HIDE! SCROOGE can't HIDE! But I can run! Fuaha! No SCROOGE can't! Groan! JD: Scrooge, you have wound your own chain, much like mineee! To prevent this, you will be visited by three phantoms! Oooooh! Ahhhh! SCROOGE jumped out the WINDOW! Hah hah! Now I've gotten awa-- uh oh. JD used CHAINMERANG! CHAIN grabbed SCROOGE! Dammit. JD: Go to bed and wait for the hour of twelve o' clock...whooooa... JACOB DACTA disappears! Dude... cool special effects. Act STINGY, baka! Never MIND, it's aready TWELVE! COOCOOCLOCK: Coocoo! Coocoo! Coocoo! Coo- SCROOGE hit COOCOOCLOCK! ::shiver:: It's so cold... BED SHADE opened! ERIC MHE appeared with a strange AQUA LIGHT coming from his HEAD! Ahhhhh! It's even scarier than a ghost! ERIC MHE: Idiot! I am the Ghost of Crimson Past! ERIC MHE is holding BLOODY HOLLY! ER... why is there blood on the holly? ERIC MHE: ...because. Now, put your hand on my heart, and I will show you visions of your past! Why do I have to put my hand on your CHEST? ERIC MHE: Because Dickens wrote it that way, now just follow the damn script! SCROOGE obeyed! SCROOGE and ERIC MHE are soaring through AIR! ERIC MHE: Look down at your lowly subjects of your version! How you played with them! I don't see me anywhere in that mix of people... ERIC MHE: See, that's you! No, that's Adam! ERIC MHE: Eh, he looks like you, so just deal with it. He doesn't look like me, I have blonde hair! Not anyMORE! ERIC MHE poured BROWN HAIR DYE on SCROOGE! ::sniff:: I guess I'll just have to have less fun... ERIC MHE: Damn straight. See how you were so happy! Yeah, happy... ERIC MHE will now bring you to ANOTHER vision! SCROOGE sees his FORMER SELF and RUBY WEBMISTRESS (aka DEB) sitting near a TRAIN STOP! DEB: Why do you care so much about the dowry? SCROOGE: What the hell is a dowry? I just think your demands are kind of... expensive, honey. I mean, all these friggin' rubies... DEB began WEEPING! DEB: I'm sorry Evencrimson... but I must leave you. For the former self of you I loved... and for my kitty. KITTY: Mrrrow! DEB and KITTY got on TRAIN! SCROOGE watched DEB and KITTY leave with SORROW! SCROOGE: Well, except for the kitty. I was allegic to that damn thing. Stop, spirit! Show me no more! ::sniff:: ERIC MHE: Screw you we still have one last vision. ERIC MHE brought SCROOGE to last VISION! DEB and MR. KITE are sitting together SURROUNDED by many CHILDREN! MR. KITE: Honey, guess who I saw today! He was one of your old friends! DEB: Hmmmm... I don't know. ::laughs:: Mr. Scrooge! MR. KITE: Mr. Scrooge it was! Dismal man... DEB and MR. KITE laugh! Spirit, take me away from these... people! ERIC MHE: Whatever, my time is done. SCROOGE was TELEPORTED back to ROOM! Grr... that light... SCROOGE tried to EXTINGUISH AQUA LIGHT with FIRE EXTINGUISHER! But, it failed! Ooooh... ERIC MHE vanished! ::shiver:: The second'll come at one... COOCOOCLOCK: Coocoo! I thought I broke that thing... wait, nothing's happening! SCROOGE shivers! Well, may as well go take a whiz. Hey, when natur calls, it CALLS! SCROOGE opened door! There JASON ROSS sits! JASON ROSS is a GIANT! Geez, button up your damn shirt... JASON ROSS: Sorry, no can do. Supposedly, this was a sign of friendliness when Dickens wrote this. Gr... I'll get this Dickens... DICKENS has been DEAD for a CENTURY! ****! JASON ROSS: You're lucky I'm not the RSACi... I am the Ghost of Crimson Present! Oooh, presents! JASON ROSS: No, no, no, as in the time we're in NOW! Oh. Groan! JASON ROSS: Grab my cloak, and we shall go forth to see Crimson present! SCROOGE did as TOLD! JASON ROSS and SCROOGE are looking at the SCRATCHIT family! But we never had a Scratchit family in our version... Yes, you DID! It consists of CATERPIE-MAN, POKEWOMAN, RAPIST, NORMAL JAPANESE MAN, DIRECTOR and THE BRITISH HERUGAA! TBH: I'm a Derubiru! CATERPIE-MAN, POKEWOMAN, and RAPIST are preparing DINNER! POKEWOMAN: I hope Normal Japanese Man is home soon, and same with Herugaa... CATERPIE-MAN: Look, here they come! Hide, Rapist! RAPIST hid! NJM came in TBH! TBH has a CRUTCH! TBH: Technically, I only know Crunch, but this Crutch just sounds so much like it.. NJM: Hallu! ::looks around:: Where's Rapist? POKEWOMAN: Oh... he couldn'y come. NJM: Couldn't come?! RAPIST: Here I am! NJM: Oh, my dear boy! Here, I brought home a present for you! NJM throws RAPIST at a random GIRL! RAPIST: Thank you so much! JACOB DACTA: This is so degrading to girls... Hey, you're not even supposed to be here! JACOB DACTA was kicked into OBLIVION! SCRATCHIT family began EATING! NJM: A toast! To Mr. Scrooge! POKEWOMAN: Apissta! If he were here right now I'd give him a piece of my mind... or a piece of my fist! NJM: Oh please, honey, it's Christmas! POKEWOMAN: ::sigh:: Alright! TBH: God bless us, everyone! Awww... how cute. Spirit, what will become of TIny TBH? JASON ROSS: I see an empty place at church, and a crutch without an owner... JASON ROSS: Yes, Ebencrimson! Anyway, we have to go. JASON ROSS and SCROOGE continued FLYING! JASON ROSS shows everyone CELEBRATING! Huh... even the people I KILLED are celebrating... JASON ROSS comes across SCROOGE's NEPHEW's house, aka FLASHFIRE! FLASHFIRE: Ha ha ha! Keep the guesses coming! Ooo! A game! SILVERONE: Is it an animal? FLASHFIRE: Yes! BUTCHURRH: Is it ugly? FLASHFIRE: Yes! LANI: Is it violent and greedy? FLASHFIRE: Ha ha ha! Oh yes! Ah! I know what it is! It's a bear! BUTCHURRH: I've got it! It's your uncle Scrooge! What the ****... FLASHFIRE: You've got it! How insulting! Oh well, I'll laugh anyway. SCROOGE laughs! SCROOGE notices JASON ROSS has AGED CONSIDERABLY! Whoa... you're sagging man... JASON ROSS: I grow old with the season! What is that claw like thing under your robe? JASON ROSS opened up ROBE! Whoa man, no need to flash me!... wait a second! Are those... children? ::chokes:: They're ug-... are they yours? JASON ROSS: The male is Lack of Updates! The female is Poor Battle Quality! Beware of them, for they will bring you down! But most of all beware of the male, as even if you don't have the female, the male will drag you down! My time grows short, Ebencrimson! BIGBEN: Boom! Boom! Two o' clock! But... who said we were in Britain?? DICKENS was from BRITAIN! :: eye twiches:: Dickens... JASON ROSS vanished! PHANTOM appears! AIR becomes COLD! I see dead people... PHANTOM is SIRCHARGON! Are you... are you the Ghost of Crimson Yet-To- Come? SIRCHARGON only lifts one BONY HAND! I would argue saying you're the Grim Reaper-- SIRCHARGON stares at SCROOGE! Ahhh! I'll just listen! SCROOGE followed SIRCHARGON! SKYLER and DUOMAXWELL are SOCIALIZING! SKYLER: Did you hear? He died... DUO MAXWELL: Hah! I thought he would never die! AQUAWEBMASTER: Praise the Lord, for now we shall have no competition! ::shudder:: I pity the poor man that died... SIRCHARGON leads SCROOGE to GRAVE of DEADMAN! GRAVE: Here Lies Ebencrimson Scrooge. Nooo! SCROOGE falls down in fornt of GRAVE! Please no! PITS OF HELL opened! Holy ****! There's nothing HOLY about this ****! Save me, spirit! Save me! SIRCHARGON merely WATCHES! Nooo! SCROOGE is falling! There's no place like home, there's no place like home... SCROOGE forgot to TAP his HEELS! Wahhh! MUSIC: I'm on a highway to hell! SCROOGE kicked RADIO into the LAVA of HELL! Spirit, SAVE ME! I'LL NEVER BE STINGY AGAIN! SCROOGE woke up! What? What? Ah... it was only a dream... No matter then, I can keep going on being cruel and merciless to my characters! Fuaha! FLAMES of HELL stung SCROOGE in the ***! Ok, ok... SCROOGE went outside! Merry Christmas to all! Merry Christmas! You idiot, it's only THREE O' CLOCK! Nobody's AWAKE! Be CHEERFUL later! Oh... sorry... SCROOGE went back to bed! BATTLE fizzled out! |