| Battle #3: The Origin of Caterpie-Man Player Name: Average Japanese Guy Setting: Tokyo, Japan By Crimson King AVERAGE woke up! *Yawn*...I wonder what's happening today? MOTHRA is destroying TOKYO! GODZILLA is destroying TOKYO! GAMERA is destroying TOKYO! So it's just a typical Japanese day, then. Wake me up if Gozilla and Gamera go at it. AVERAGE fell ASLEEP again! ARMY GENERAL knocked on the DOOR! ... ARMY GENERAL broke through a WINDOW instead! AVERAGE woke up! Huh, what's going on? ARMY GENERAL: Quickly, Dr. Super genius, we need your research papers to build a powerful weapon to attack the monsters with! Even though we're going to fail and they're going to come back tomorrow anyway! You've got the wrong apartment, Dr. Super Genius is on the fifth floor. I'm Average Japanese Guy. ARMY GENERAL: Oops! Pardon me, citizen! Hey, how are you a Japanese Army General? Weren't we forced to disarm after World War II or something? ARMY GENERAL: Oh, yes...well...er... ARMY GENERAL ran away!! Huh. Odd fellow. Well as long as I'm up I might as well get the paper. AVERAGE stepped outside! AVERAGE was immediatly attacked by SEVERAL GIANT ROBOTS! Dammit, I knew I should've invested in that plasma cannon home protection system! GIANT ROBOTS were attacked by FLYING MUSCULAR ANIME CHARACTERS! Large BRAWL ensued! NEWSPAPER was TRAMPLED! Well this is just Japan-freaking-tastic. Why can't I live in a more peaceful nation, like Libya or Kosovo? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE appeared! FIGURE: You were born here because it is your fate to become the greatest fictional hero in Japanese history! Who are you? Are you a wise sage or an oracle come to be my mentor? FIGURE: Actually I'm the writer of this story in disguise. I couldn't think of a clever enoguh way to advance the plot, so I decided to do it personally. Wow, that's really brilliant scheme writing, very well-crafted. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE is PROUD to have created such a sarcastic, smart-mouthed character! FIGURE: Hurry, time is short. Take this from me and use it. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE produced a BOX from THIN AIR! AVERAGE took the BOX! FIGURE vanished! Well what do you know. there is a God. Suddenly devil-worship is starting to look very appealing. Never mind, let's see what's in this box here. AVERAGE opened the BOX! AVERAGE unfolded INSTRUCTIONS! "Congratulations on your purchase of a Sears Insta-Hero KitTM. To operate, inject the radioactive chemicals within the syringe into a random animal, then have it bite you." Sounds simple enough. Wild CATERPIE appeared! Hmm...close enough. AVERAGE injected CATERPIE with RADIOACTIVE CHEMICALS! It's super effective! CATERPIE fainted! Uh oh. Hey, um, Caterpie, you're supposed to bite me. Caterpie? CATERPIE is fast asleep! Oh, for Crimson's sake. There better be some more of those chemicals in this box. Hey, what's this? WARNING: There is only one syringe of radioactive chemicals, so DO NOT inject them in the first animal you find if it has low HP. D'oh! I'll just have to improvise, then. If caterpie can't bite me... Minutes later... Mmmm, radioactivity makes everything finger-lickin' good! Now to see if I'm a super hero yet. What? AVERAGE is evolving! Yes! This beats the hell out of Creationism! Woohoo! AVERAGE evolved into CATERPIE-MAN! Yes! caterpie-man! The scourge of evil, the powerful..hey, why am I so small? CATERPIE-MAN looked in the MIRROR! What the hell...? I'm a caterpie! Where the hell are those instructions?!? WARNING: Under NO circumstances should you eat any animal that has been injected radioactive chemicals! Man, Sears really needs to make these warnings more clear. *Sigh* Well, I'm a Caterpie-man, for better or worse. Maybe I have really cool powers or something? CATERPIE-MAN's Powers: Proportionate strength and speed of a man. Proportionate strength of a man, that's really helpful...when I'm only one foot tall!! Have fun, and enjoy your Sears Insta-Hero KitTM! I want my damn money back. TO BE CONTINUED! |