Battle #32 May 17th, 2001 Germanese A fair word of advice to those before reading this: if you find poking fun at Hitler offensive in anyway, don't read on. Author: Dacta MPR Player: Adolf Hitler I AM HEETLA! ...Don't you THINK you could PERHAPS make a better OPENING SPEECH? Dat eez about as far as my Eenglish goes! But you JUST said that WHOLE SENTENCE in SOMEWHAT PERFECTLY ACCENTED ENGLISH! ... I AM HEETLA! NAZI appeared! NAZI: Sir, I'm afraid The Nazis were forced to break up several decades ago. And you were supposed to have committed suicide. Ah, shintzel! I vas merely in suspended animation, although I DEED shoot myself in zee head just for zee effect. I shall roole all again ini theez pathetic version called...eh? Vat eez theez version again? NAZI: Cinnabar Version, sir. And I'm afraid you won't be very pleased with the natives. RANDOM PERSON: The end is here! RANDOM PERSON ran away! Ach, you leetle scum! You are right! Zee end EEZ here! Fuahahahahaha! NAZI: Um, excuse me sir, but nobody says "Fuahahahahaha" anymore. I'm afraid "Muahahahaha" is all the rage. "Muahhahaha?" Hmm, I shall have to vork on theez! But screw theez! I must get plotting my EVEHAL! NAZI: Sir, it's not evil anymore. That's way too controversial. Instead, we prefer "slightly corrupted conspiracy." My, but that eez a long Eenglish phrase... Ah, screw theez! I shall get to work on my "slightly corrupted conspeeracy." And you, my swastika-dressed friend, shall bee my ALLY! NAZI: But I'd be stupid to join up with the loser of World War Two. ...Shut up, you, and get slaving! HITLER whipped NAZI! NAZI: Ow, ow, ow, you don't have to get all physical! ::sob:: NAZI ran out! HITLER won against NAZI! Ahhh, zee strange feeling of ACCOMPLEESHMENT! Eet is like some sort of wonderful ORGASM! ... Deed I just say "orgasm?" YES! ... Muahahahaha! "ORGASMUS!" NARRATOR is WONDERING whether to KILL YOU or MAKE YOU a NEW CHARACTER! NARRATOR then REMEMBERS JASON ROSS is JEWISH! NARRATOR decideds to LEAVE HITLER BE! HITLER used EVIL GERMAN LAUGH! No effect! I shall need to recuit Neo-Nazis! There are ALREADY MANY of those ROAMING around ALABAMA! Vat eez theez "Alabama" you talk of? Don't ASK! It's too HORRIBLE! But for NEO-NAZIS, why don't you RECRUIT some of the VILLIANS around HERE? VILLIAN CATALOUGE appeared! Hmmm...eez, all in Eenglish, yes? Yes, but if you COMPLAIN, I KILL! Hmm, I am beginning to like you, "Narrator." Are you available for an ally? NARRATOR allies NO ONE! ...except PEOPLE who BRIBE with FOOD! You like veinerscnizel, yes? Actually, NO! But NARRATOR will still ALLY you! Muahahahaha! I have a beeg, loud voice at my side! ...Vait, what can a beeg, loud voice do, exactly? HANNIBAL LECTER died! Mmm, theez eez sveet power! Besides zee fact Hannibal Lecter was neva here to begin vith! But just ONE ally eez not enough! I need more! HITLER opened VILLIAN CATALOGUE! Hmm...theez "Dacta MPR" sounds eenteresting... Eh?! She theenks that shee is superior? Vell, arrogance veel neva do! Ally NARRATOR coughed LOUDLY! Shut up, you ungrateful ally! Ally NARRATOR whimpered! CINNABAR WEBMISTRESS cuts IN! CINNABAR WEBMISTRESS: Uh, Hitler, aren't you supposed to be talking with a German accent? Vhy, yes! Theez EEZ German! CINNABAR WEBMISTRESS: Uh...it sounds quite...French. No vay! How you eensult me! Narrator, banish theez "Cinnabar Webmistress," veevee? WEEWEE! Ally NARRATOR began PISSING on BUSH! Ahh! Not my lovely pussyvillows! HITLER began CRYING over MISCOLORED PUSSYWILLOWS! Bah, you fooleesh Narrator! Heetla does not CRY! Then WHY are your EYES all WATERY and RED! Uh, zat eez just your sense verking up on you! Riiight... Anyway, JESS MPR appeared! JESS MPR: World War Two is long over, and I think you should commit suicide again! With the blessings of #2 pencils, I am Jess MPR! And in the name of Bic, I shall punish you! Oh, great. Now zey are imitating my fine allies, zee Japanese. JAPANESE are now ALLIED with ALLIED POWERS! Damn eet all! I reelly should neva stay in suspended aneemation dat long! No, you SHOULDN'T HAVE! Argh...I shall have to build zee Nazi empire all over eegan! Muahahahaha! EVIL JAPANESE ANIMATION BACKGROUNDS began FLIPPING AROUND in BACKGROUND! EPILEPTIC PEOPLE used SEIZURE! Mmm, but now zat zere are many Jevs, too many too enslave, who shall I mercilessly enslave? I've got it! Network Vebmasters! Muahahahaha! EVIL JAPANESE ANIMATION BACKGROUNDS continued FLIPPING! EVIL JAPANESE ANIMATION BACKGROUND MACHIINE died! Damn you, cheap Japanese machine! JAPANESE GUY: (translated from Japanese) That is it! I quit! JAPANESE GUY ran out in a HUFF! JESS MPR disappeared! And now, seence zee Cinnabar Webmistress cannot continue zees tediousness, I go avay in puff of smoke! SMOKE MACHINE began WORKING! SMOKE came ONSTAGE! Muahahaha...ha...cough...gasp...wheeze...ack! Zeese is mustard gas, you eediot! Can't you eeven get zee right World War? DACTA MPR: Well, um, ya see about that...AHHH! DACTA MPR ran away! Sie klien bastards!! Kommen sie hier zuruck! (Yes, it's in German, you lazy asses. Go to freetranslation.com and figure it out yourself.) HITLER ran after DACTA MPR! To be continued! Next time... Will Hitler ever catch Dacta MPR? Unlikely, with all that mustard gas flowing in his lungs, but hell, maybe by some Satanic miracle (caused by his allied Narrator) He will survive! Will the Webmasters survive the attack of the former dictator of Germany, or some sort of leader type that I can't remember? Or will the Webmasters prevail? Most importantly, will Cinnabar ever end a battle without "To be continued?" ANNOUNCER: I should be paid SO much more for this. DACTA MPR: Shut up and talk, you bastard.