| Battle #36: All the Characters and Events Depicted are Fictional. Please Don't Give Me 2 BQ. Player Name: Cynthia Setting: Los Angelas, 2019 By CrimsonKing My blind date is supposed to meet me at this restaurant any minute. I hope I look alright. And I hope the audiance doesn't mind if I provide exposition to the plot by pointlessly talking to myself. BLIND DATE appeared! BLIND DATE actually has his SIGHT, marking the first TIME the NARRATOR has forsaken an OBVIOUS PUN! BLIND DATE introduces himself as DECKARD! Nice to meet you. Hey, you look just like Harrison Ford! That's a relief, I thought this was going to be some cliched sitcom setup where the heroine gets hooked up with some bizarre blind date in a lame attempt at humor. SIAMESE TWINS entered the RESTAURANT! RON: What the-- is that guy making time with our blind date over there??? JON: You mean your blind date! I told you this wasn't worth the trip from Siam. Uhh... why don't we sit down? DECKARD seats CYNTHIA at a TABLE! So, um... you come to Hardees often? DECKARD: Oh, let's not be romantic tonight, let's talk about me. Did you know that I'm a Blade Runner? Really? How interesting! DECKARD: Yup! I could give you the Voight-Kampff test right now if you want. What's a Voight-Kampff test? DECKARD: That's what we Blade Runners use to tell a normal, innocent human from one of those horribly evil replicants we're supposed to kill. If anyone answers a question wrong, BAM!! Eleven shots to the skull for the vermin! Want to try it? Oh, what fun! Let's try it out! DECKARD sets up the VOIGHT-KAMPFF MACHINE! DECKARD: Ready? Go ahead, honey. DECKARD: Okay, first question. 'Dear Ann: My husband and I eloped. Two weeks later, we had a lovely, catered dinner for family and close friends to celebrate the union. I discovered yesterday that during the dinner, a family member walked around the room and asked everyone to sign a petition supporting one of her pet politcal causes. Should I say something to her, even though it's too late to do anything about it, or--' What the hell kind of question is that?? DECKARD: Relax, relax, it's only testing your reaction! Besides, you've tested perfectly so far, since only soulless androids can read Ann Landers. Want the next question? I guess. Yeah, go on. DECKARD: Let's get to the good stuff. 'You see a suave, impeccably dressed and shockingly handsome young man sit beside you. He sits behind a sophisticated machine. His voice reverberates with a musical silkiness. He eyes you seductively, and the passion is unrestrainable. His hand begins massaging your thigh, and you find yourself unable to hold back from tearing your blouse from yourself and--' Hey, this isn't even a question! And what's your hand fumbling at my leg for? DECKARD pulls his HAND away! DECKARD: Er, sorry, I... must've got that mixed up with my leg. Say, don't you think it's kind of hot in here? Hot enough to, maybe, take off you blouse right now? Y'think? Hahaha, silly, I would never take off my clothes in public! ...and I don't care what you might've seen in that Girls Gone Wild video, that tape was edited! DECKARD: Let me be honest with you, Cynthia. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. Even my last love, QTLatinPrincessCA, who I thought I would love forever, pales before you. Oh, Deckard, what a nice early warning sign of a potential stalker to give! DECKARD: You're welcome. But, I'm afraid our love was never meant to be... because the batteries in my Voight-Kampff machine ran out a couple hours before you took the test. Standard procedure dictates that I must take no chances and execute you! DIE, REPLICANT!! DECKARD lunges at CYNTHIA with a GUN! Oh Deckard, you flirt! JASONR: Alright, enough is enough! Halt this battle at once! Wha - hey, where are you? JASONR: Urrh... JASONR appeared! JASONR: Sorry, here I am now. Very smooth. So, uh, can we help you here? DECKARD empties his CLIP at CYNTHIA! Missed! DECKARD: Ah-ha, only a replicant could dodge all those shots! That proves you're an android! Your sights are pulling the right, honey. DECKARD: Huh? Oh, thanks babe. JASONR: Stop, stop! This is far out of hand! Blade Runners, replicants, something that resembles a social life... all of these foreign ideas must constitute some attempt at a parody! Yeah, so what? There's nothing wrong with a little parody, is there? JASONR: Fools! Don't you understand anything about comedy? Any joke that can't be comprehended by every single man, woman, child, farmhouse, outhouse, and doghous in a five mile radius is utter crap! Cinnabar will pay for this blasphemy! DECKARD: Cynthia, did you bring a full clip of 9mm rounds in your purse? I forgot my spare. Baby, can you hold it for a second? I think a Mr. J. Asonr is trying to solicit me for something. JASONR: I'm going to solicit you with a 2BQ, you dumb slut. JASONR ruins CINNABAR VERSION with a TAP on the KEYBOARD! JASONR laughs DIABOLICALLY! That's fucking bullshit!!* *Obligatory Cinnabar curse words. No battle is complete without their presence, totally superfluous or not, God-fucking-dammit! JASONR disappeared! Huh. Didn't get to ask him what a BQ is. Hey sweetie, I've had a great time tonight, but I have to go, CrimsonKing is sick of typing. Feel like a movie tomorrow? DECKARD: Sure, my pistol's empty anyway. Interpret that however you want. You want to see The Animal, right? Um, I was hoping for something a bit more romantic, honey. DECKARD: Alright, Shrek it is. Can't blame a guy for trying! Oh Deckard, you sexy devil! And a TRANSVESTITE MIDGET runs by for NO REASON! G'night, folks! |