Battles 6-10

Battle #10: Racial Slurs Abound January XX, 2002
Setting:Resteraunt, last night
Player:Rabbai

Rabbai and allies PRIEST and POLLOCK enter RESTERAUNT!
Hey, you guys ever heard the one about us?
...I can already see this is going to be a bq 6.
NEVERTHELESS... rabbai and PARTY take their seat.
I would hardly call 3 people a party.
Of course, but you see... umm... theres a PARTY going on in the resteraunt!
You're new at this arent you?
Enemy PARTY wants to FIGHT!
Erm... why?
Because ally POLLOCK is dipping his head in the punch, bobbing for pineapples!
Preist: It unholy.
Oi...
Enemy PARTY sent out BUBBA, SHOTGUN, and JUKEBOX!
Hey, thats not fair, they get to send out three things, against one of me!
You know, I TRY for once to be fair, and you dont catch it. All of your players gets to send out 1 pokemon, its 3 on 3.
Oh...
Ally POLLOCKS's blood\oxygen level greatly fell!
AAAH! PRIEST, PULL HIM OUT!
Priest: And I DELIVER THEE, from the river of thy iniquties!
...Right...
POLLOCK was SAVED!
Wow, you dont even have to try on that one do you?
Apparently not.
OK guys, everyone alright?
POLLOCKS blood/oxygen level greatly rose!
YAY!
As well as his blood/alchohol level!
Not so yay... Who spiked the punch?
POLLOCK fainted!
Use next ally?
You make it sound so negative.
Well priest, it looks like it's just you and me, comon, lets take down this party!
Ally priest agrees wholeheartedly!
PREIST sends out SERMON!
Er... go... Yamulka!
Do you think we even spelt that right?
Probably not... especially if SPELT is a word.
...Shut up.
Enemy BUBBA used SHOOT!
YAMULKA evaded the attack!
YEAH!
Bubba's attack continues!
AWWWW fudge!
No, really. The bullet continues, It richocheted off POLLOCK's car!
Right into enemy JUKEBOX!
Lemme guess... Bubba shot the jukebox...
Last night, nonetheless, if you read the setting.
Great..now our car is... wait...
Oh... oh... hear that pollock? Your car just got shot!
What? POLLOCK is EVOLVING!
POLLOCK evolved into IRISHMAN!
Uh-oh..
IRISHMAN is in a DRUNKEN RAGE!
IRISHMAN sent out PUNCH BOWL!
Yeah! Now the odds are back in our favor.
The PUNCH BOWL! The new BCS bowl in which teams who should have played each other actually play each other!
Your ideas intruge me and I wish to learn more.
You see, to get in the PUNCH BOWL Nat'l championship, you have to win the PLAYOFFS!
Hmm... interesting, im not entirely sure how that would work though?
Why quite easily I'm afraid. You simply follow the example of the NFL instead of using rankings.
Shotgun: But what if teams that dont deserve to have the chance to play STILL get in, narrator?
The gun raises an excellent point.
I thought guns only rose hell... and bullets... swords raise points...
LIGHTNING BOLT erupted from CEILING LIGHT!
I'm the only one that makes puns like that around here, rabboy.
Ow... that hurt....
That was the point.
I just said that you cant have a poi-
CEILING LIGHT used FLICKER!
...Point taken...
Ahem, moving on. ALLY sermon used SPEECH!
Enemy BUBBA fell asleep!
YAY!
The attack continues!
Enemy SHOTGUN fell asleep!
You know, its almost as disturbing to watch bubbles come out of a shotgun when its sleeping as it is to watch them come out of marios nose.
WATCH BUBBLES COME OUT OF MARIOS NOSE! Only on Super Mario:RPG, Legend of the Seven Stars! Available somewhere on eBay.
RABBAI is counting his MONEY from the help ADVERTSING!
Hey, money's money.
Ok YAMULKA, you're up!
Use your... HAT attack!
What the funkadilic?
HAT attack?
Are you INSANE?
You HAVE to be insane to play pokebattles! So this attack has to be like a one-hit K0!
..Heh....HEHEH....HAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA!
Somehow I get the feeling that this attack isnt going to go my way.
YAMULKA used HAT
Hah, thought so.
YAMULKA used HAT TRICK!
Uhoh...
YAMULKA defected to BUBBA!
BUBBA and SHOTGUN awaken!
Oh no, I BLEW IT!
Anthing like your mo-
Dont even say it.
Use next pokemon?
Sure, Go-
RABBAI sent out RABBAI!
Great... now im in the line of fire.
Speaking of which, SHOTGUN used FIRE!
RABBAI's ARM greatly fell!
Oh.. well I guess thats not too bad-
To the ground.
Oh... OWWWWWWWWW! NO TICKLYS!
Its all up to you PUNCH BOWL, take em down!
Ally PUNCH BOWL ran away to PUNCH nebraska!
...Figures... Well, at least it was for a good cause, unlike that nasty YAMULKA!
Enemy YAMULKA sticks out ally TOUNGE!
Waitaminute... how can a hat have a tounge... and is it my ally?
You sound confused to me.
Actually I am-... oh SHIT.
RABBAI hurt himself in his CONFUSION!
ARG! Did you have to make me pour salt on my open wound?!?!
Yes.
Oh, ok.
Now that that is cleared up...
ENEMY JUKEBOX used EXPLOSION!
Eh?
Well the bullet caused it to explode a long time ago, I just forgot to mention it.
Ah, so its one of those slow moving explosions, like in swordfish?
Right.
Anyway... umm... ALLY sermon FAINTED!
Oh no, that leaves only me, Irishman, and Priest to finish the battle!
IRISHMAN's ALCHOHOL level greatly fell!
IRISHMAN fainted!
NOOOO!
PREIST ran away to write a new SERMON!
ACK, ITS JUST ME VS ALL THAT PARTY!
SO whats you're doom, er attack?
I forfiet!
TGS: RABBAI! now is not the time to use that!
TGS:Man Ive always wanted to do that.
Lucky bastard.
Well then... use my MAD SKILLZ!
What? Rabbai is evolving!
RABBAI evolved into 1337 h4xx0r
j0. r3$p3c7 |\/|y 4|_|70r17y!
RABBAI used INCHOHERENT SPEECH!
JUKEBOX became overloaded!
Enemy JUKEBOX fainted!
j0.
SHOTGUN ran out of AMMO!
SHOTGUN fainted!
J0!
BUBBA became DRUNK after returning from the PUNCH BOWL!
BUBBA fainted!
J00000!
j0... er... YOU WIN!
Awared 347 exp points and 600 yen!
ENEMY party DEFEATED!
1337 H4AAXX0R was renamed PARTY POOPER!
PARTY POOPER was renamed MENDIN!
Awww fuzzlebuckers!
Use next pokemon?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Yamulka:BUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!


Battle #9:SHOGO=Shootergasm, Jan 06, 2k2
Setting:Tundra Level
Player:Sanjuro

OBJECTIVE:Reach the transport before it takes off without you, stranding you and your allies in an enemy base.
Heh, piece of cake.
Ill just start up my MCA...
MCA computer: ONLINEEEE! Good Morning, Dave.
Dave? Who the hell is dave?
MCA computer: File "goodmrning.wav" has performed an illegal error and will be shut down.
Oh, f*ck... not again. I SOOOO wish microsoft hadnt bought the world in 2010.
MCA computer: Microsoft, owning your sorry asses since the turn of the last century.
Shut up, bitch.
MCA computer SHUT DOWN in a fit of rage!
DAMMIT!
Ok... use my BOOT-UP attack
Sanjuro used BOOT-UP!
His BOOT went UP enemy MCA Computer's ARSE!
MCA computer was FULLY booted!
You know, when you say it like that, it sounds so... vulgar...
Well at least im online.
Lets go forwa-
GAME OVER! Quick Load?
TGS:DAMMIT! F7, go!
Quick load activiated! WHOA! I just felt kind of dead.
Nevermind that, move along.
Oh yeah, right.
OBJECTIVE:Reach the transport before it takes off without you, stranding you and your allies in an enemy base.
Right, piece of cake. Alright boys, lets move o-
Number of ALLIES greatly fell.
But I only have two.
Right... so now you have...
I hate you...
STFU. SO its you vs... a couple hundred guys... no prob, right?
I really... really... hate you...
COUPLE HUNDRED MCA's are CLOSING in FAST!
WTF kind of capitalization was that?
SANJURO was SHOT repeatedly in the FACE!
TGS:... You didnt have to do that you know...
Just showing him whos boss.
TGS:*sigh* Quickoad.
Wow. Im having plenty of out of body experiences today.
Ok.. lets have this WORK this time.
ALLIES were INSTANTLY KILLED!
That was quick.
o.O these guys are tough. I didnt even do that.
AAAGH! FIRE FIRE FIRE!
Countless enemy squadron was reduced to little more than two tanks that are running around with no ammo because... you shot them? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? ...How strange. My allies died like it was nothing but...
They're fire has no effect at all on you.
Exactly.
o.O
O.o
o.O
O.o
o.O
We have to stop this. O.o
I know, one more round, its fun. o.O
Ok. O.o
o.O
O.o
Alright, enough.
Agreed.
Now its just a simple matter of making it to the trans-
TRANSPORT exits without you!
Feh, so what? I just... kill... oh shit...
TWO tanks evolved into FOUR HUNDRED SEVENTY EIGHT ENEMY MCAS!
Mission Failed.
Restart?
TGS:DAMMIT! If you hadnt distracted me that time, I would have made it!
That was my bad. Restart?
TGS:Fine... but this is the LAST TIME!
OBJECTIVE: You must-
TGS:I KNOW THE DAMNED OBJECTIVE!
...Touchy. Ok... this is like deja vu, all over again.
Aye.
Aye?
Its yes in an irish acc-
TGS:STFU!
Right... sorry boss.
Ok... im going to use my pulse rifle now!
That is one sweet gun man.
CHRIST, its bigger than the mca!
Wouldnt you love to shoot some x-boxes with it?
Dude... you think it could kill something THAT big?
LOL!
LOL!
LOL!
LOL!
LOL!
LOL!
Ewww... that cant be healthy. Hey TGS... you think this joke has run its course ye-
Enemy computer became impaled by ALLY mouse!
Guess so....
TO BE CONTINUED!


Battle 8: Preparation (no not h) December 30, 2k1
Setting:Cotton Candy Room
Player:The Green Shyguy

Oh my god...
BeeeN sitiin har, have a nohter byeor!
I drunk but aye wan sum anywaaaaay!
You know, in this light, your irish blood really shows.
What the HELL went on here?
Meh and a fewww *hic* of my frieands had a lil partay. WOOO!
Dude, there are 4 empty kegs here, and you dont have any friends.
WHA? MIISTER NARORATOR BLIIND! YOU NO SEE PINKY!
Pinky?
MAH ELOPHANTY FRIEEEEND!
...This is too good. He must have played the x-box so much that he had to get drunk to rid himself of the mind numbing side effects. Sadly, I think he would have been even less sober playing that damned thing.
Hmm... pinky... you too fine..
Are you hitting on your imaginary elephant again?
U gat a porblem with it?
Umm... yeah... but I'm not going there today.
Goo! Pinky come here and give tee gee a shot O that luuuv juice!
ARGH! Thats disturbing! Ive had enough of this!
NARRATOR used DRUNK BE GONE!
TGS's sober went WAY up!
Arg! Whoa! I feel all fuzzy... and... *blough!*
Blough?
Puke, jackass! Im haaaang *blough*!
Hmm... what an interesting word.
Don you have any *blough*... be...
Yeah, I know Hangover Be Gone. Not on me. Ill get some if you write a battle.
*blough*Man this room fills up fast.... fine... Ill write the steenking battle...*blough*let me get to the comp...
Yay!

Setting:Onett
Player:Ness

Alright, Im ready to go slay giygas!
Not if I have anything to say about it... hehehehe
Who said that? Hmm... must be my imagination.
Thats right, boy.. its your imaginination... just ignore it...
Id feel a lot more convinced if it you werent speaking in that loud booming voice with everyone stairing at the sky.
Oh.. right... sorry..
Time to go kill the sharks!
I thought you said giygas!
First I must spend years, training, honing in my skills, gaining allies and enimies until-
Yeah yeah yeah kid, whatever, shut your mouth and keep walking.
Hey look! A trash can!
So?
I bet there's something neat inside!
NESS dug through the trashcan and found... a HAMBURGER!
Wow!
Kid, dont... awww sick!
NESS ate item HAMBURGER!
Tasty!
Christ, I thought TGS was bad.
Huh, whows TEE GEE ESS?
Umm... SHARK APPEARED!
Enemy SHARK wants to fight!
You're goin DOWN punk! Me an my psychic powers gone a blow you OUT!
Why did you just call that shark "punk"?
Because that's what sharks are. Gang kids.
Heh. HEHEH... BLA HAHAHAHA AAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA whoo that was fresh.
Thats... not a kid?
Hell no. Thats a shark.
In the middle of town?
SHARK bit NESS's leg!
AAAAARGH! AAAAH! THE PAIN, MY GOD THE PAIN! ITS EATING AWAY AT MY LEG WITH ITS THOUSANDS OF ROWS OF TEETH! THE AGONY! MY GOD! I CAN SEE BONE! WHA, WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE WALKING AROUND AS IF I WERENT GETTING EATEN ALIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF DAY BY A SHARK? NOW THE SMALL CHILDREN ARE RUNNING UP TO ME WITH STICKS AND BEATING ME IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY IN HOPS OF GETTING CANDY! OWWW THE PAIN, AAAAARGH! NOW THEY ARE ANGERED WITH ME FOR HAVING NO MONEY AND HAVE TAKEN MY WALLET AND ALL MY BELONGINGS, AND SLEPT WITH MY MOTHER! AAAWAARGH! Lights... the tunnell... I see the light.
Oh no you dont, this is too FUN for you to die, bitch.
NESS sent out MR.SATURN!
Mr.Saturn! The new item in Super Smash Bros.:Melee for Nintendo Gamecube. Only 250$ for the set! And remember, if you've got a friendo, Choose nintendo.
That... ow... was the most shameless attempt at advertising I have seen in my life.
NESS's BLOOD level greatly fell!
What does that mean?
You're bleeding to death.
Ah. Like that iRaq guy or whoever from red version.
Pretty much.
Cool.
Not cool if you like living.
Truedat.
Wish I hadn't have eaten that hamburger now.
Shark:Hello? I finished that mr.saturn like HOURS ago.
Oh right.
SHARK continued to GNAW on Ness's leg!
Ness died!
Hmm... im still bored... heh, this will do nicely.

Player:Paula

Ooooh no...

Setting:The Cotton Candy Room
Player:The Green Shyguy
So in the end, the title had nothing to do with the battle! Its funnier that way!
IN THE END! The new hit song by linkin park! On their album, hybrid theory! Get your copy today at Sam Goody!
You just dont STOP do you?
Nope. Well, thanks for the hangoverbegone. See ya next week.
See ya.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... End.


Battle #7: Christmas Ch>Beer
Dec 23, 2k1 Player: The Green Shyguy
Setting: The Cotton Candy Room

TGS begins shaking violently!
Could he be coming down with an epilectic seisure?!?
That was on MY christmas list.
Hahah, smartass.
Im shaking my present from MOMMY, I wonder what it is.
Hey dumbass, it isnt even wrapped.
Oh, OH! SWEET! MG KAEMPFER 1/100TH SCALE WITH PAINT SET!
He even ordered it...
What?
Nothing.
I love kaempfer! So many guns, so little time.
Well, em, about that.
Feh?
Forget it. What did you get from santa?
Sannn-ta?
You know, Claus-San
Oh yeah, him. I dunno. I havent got a reply to my bri-... er... monetary gift. ....You bribed Santa Claus?
Whats wrong with that?
Two things.
Eh?
Stupid, and dumb.
How so? Everybody likes money.
Hey JACKASS. Santa monitors the BAD things you do. BRIBING is bad!
...I see now how my monetary gift could be misinturpreted.
...Dumbass.
But I have seen the error of my ways! Perhaps there is still time to rectify myself.
Are we allowed to say that?
Now whos the dumbass?
Shut up.
No. Now what we need to know is what santa thinks of me. Prehaps I could get off on the naughty/nice clause. Get it? CLAUSE?
...That has to be our very first pun.
Bad pun?
No... just pun. Weve had bad jokes before, not puns.
Puns rhymes with guns!
Christ...
Lets see what ole saint nick has to say about you.

Player: Santa
Setting: The North Pole

Hohoho's! Get over here. Santa's ya playa today.
NUDE MIDGET ELVES appeared!
My god...
NUDE ELF:Here's the trick, clausey baby.
Santa's a pimp?
What did you think? Da cash just fell off da trees in da no' pole?
...This is really disturbing.
You wanna catch one of these fine tricks from my join', da no' poles?
GAH!
I thought you spent all year, doing the list and checkin it twice!
Oh, why ya think I gots my 'countant els?
So true.
Well, I just need a favor, can you tell me anything about The Green Shyguy's gift package this year?
NUDE ELVES ran away screaming at the mention of TGS!
Go' lor' mon! Dunna mention his name!
Err... what has he done this time?
SANTA yanks out...
Dun go thea' boy.
His list. Heh, I never get tired of that.
Lets see her', tee gee's rap sheet. We gots the 30 counts of murder, 45 counts of aggrevated murder, 1,337 counts of carrying a concealed handgun-
Figures.
3,000 incidents involving porn of the hardco variety.
Whoa.
I know.
He cut down this year?
By alot. But de puter stops countin at 3000.
Thought as much.
And finally 1 count of bribery, ta me a course.
I heard about that one.
Jeah, who would bri' ME on christmas but that dumb f***er?
Maybe... ja-no... den-no.... nobody that I can think of.
So whatcha gettin em?
Exactly what he wanted. FF7, FFA, and a few new DVDs.
Wha? You just read his rap sheet! What gives?
If you had seen da lump sum he bri'ed me for, youd give in too.
Heh, I catcha. Thanks der nick.
No prob, my lil narr-cous.
Catcha at reunion next year?
Sur' as sur' patna.
See ya slick.
Laters.

Player:The Green Shyguy
Setting:The Cotton Candy Room

Well what did he say?
Id prefer not to talk about it.
The whores I assume.
Definately.
Freaky lookin chicks.
A-men to that.
So what did you get me?
Eh?
For christmas.
I thought we agreed not to get each other anything.
You know damn well I wanted a thighmaster.
Why is beyond me, you have no body, much less thighs.
GRARR! Well, I guess I can give you your gift.
Thanks man, you're a true pal.
Out of thin air, appears an X-BOX...
AAAAAGH! NOOO!
full of RABID WEASELS!
Lemme guess, after the weasels gnaw away at my kneecaps I have to play the system, right?
I got you HALO and Gotham Racing. ^^ I dont know which is worse, the system, or the games.
ARRG! ARRRGARGAH! MY KNEECAPS!
NARRATOR rolls out a keg, watching TGS suffer.
Tis the season.

Happy Holidays from everyone (me) Here at the Cotton Candy Version!


Battle #6:Payback=Bitch
Player:The Green Shyguy
Setting:The Cotton Candy Room
zzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz
Feh, hes sleeping on his Z button again.
Hes almost cute when hes sleeping... but not as cute as when hes screaming in anguish with a nail driven through his head.
HEY DUMBASS!
TEST THE KID AGAIN!
Welcome to hell, green boy.
Oh... you again, what now?
Its update day, and I intend to have fun with it.
Gawd... not again... I mean its not like we get ranked anyway.
11th
Wha?
Thats our rank.
Oh, sorry, I thought that was the number of available minerals and vitamens this website contains.
Eleventh isnt a number, dumbass.
Yes it-.... shut up.
Speaking of numbers, you f***ed yourself over last week.
How so?
We now have two battle fours and no battle five.
HA! You call me an idiot when all you need to do is change the number in the archives, no one will ever know. :P
Dumbass, you saved the archive a week ago, its still there.
No I didnt, I did it yesterday!
No, you did it a WEEK ago. Youve been SLEEPING that long.
Hmm... I wont take Tylenol PMs next time.
Anyway, I get to exact some revenge.
How come?
Because you violated my trust, my contract, and my
Wang? LOL
...Thats it.
Whats it?
Im fed up with you. I wasnt going to do this. I was just going to break everything in your room with a baseball bat, but I have no choice.
What?
Im going to force you to write....
So? We do that every week?
....While rabid weasels feast upon your testicles.
OW, WOOW OWOWOWOWOWOW!
WRITE, BIOTCH WRITE!
WRITING, WRITING!

Player: Evil
Setting:j0 mamma, since you're so nosey

Evil? Hes fighting evil today?
Yep, fighting 100% evil.
Wow. Whats your name?
Evil.
No... I know you're evil, whats your name?
Evil.
You're pretty thick dude. WHAAAT... ISS... YOUR....
My name is EVIL you idiot. Evil Anderson.
...Christ... that's why you're an 80 year old woman isnt it?
Lets just get this over with sonny.
You never really know if hes advancing the story or not do you?
Mebbye, maybe not, you never know...
Ahem?
Huh? OH, oh yeah. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
EVIL LAUGHTER insues.
What diaobolical scheme will our heros have to face this week?
Huh? Oh the laughing. I was reading 8-bit Theatre. Its Whitemageishous.
...Thats not your line.
Huh? OH, oh yeah.
They... will... fase...
Face
Right.. what did I say?
Just go with it.
They... will... fase.. uy epil agmy af-
THEY WILL FACE MY EVIL ARMY OF RABID DOGS! CHRIST, WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE COME FROM?
Ok...two things wrong here... Stupid and dumb?
...Make that three. (1)I am TRYING my best. (2)Who wrote this stuff? IT SUCKS! (3)I think that you are just a little too critical.
GAH... CRITIC... BRAIN... FUSING... CAPALARY... STRAINING....
You ok?
I like peaches.
Umm... mr.voice?
Peaches.
I think I broke him.
TGS:Grarr... this is coming out of your paycheck you know.
Oh comon, he was obviously messed up before I got here.
TGS:No, he wasnt. He was a top of the line, lean mean adverb slingin machine.
Puleeze... you think that hunk of junk could do anything correctly?
TGS:Wanna make somethin of it?
TGS wants to FIGHT!
Hey, hes fixed! Yaay. Now we can... move.... you dont look to happy.
TGS:You're ass is grass buddy.
TGS sent out TGS!
t:Alright green boy, you asked for it!
EVIL sent out EVIL!
TGS:Heh, fighting an 80 year old woman should be easy!
I named my 400 lb 6 foot tall doberman after myself.
TGS:...I knew I should have never come to the narrators rescue.
HEH, he shoots he scores!
TGS:You will pay... oh yes... you will pay.
NARRATOR laughs as the RABID DOBERMAN gnaws playfully at TGS's Genitila.
This is too good.
TGS:ME!!! END THE BATTLE NOW! URRY-HAY!
Umm... Im still-
SHUT UP!
TGS:SHUT UP!
Well if you youngsters are going to be like that...
GRANNY shoots the BIRD!
TGS:*sighs in relief*Thank god she took the dog with her.
Sick em evil!
OTF!
TGS:OOWWW! STOP IT... AAARG!
This is so entertaining... Im not going to end the battle. It can gnaw on your balls the rest of the week.
TGS:NOOOOOO!

Player:The Green Shyguy
Setting:The Cotton Candy Infirmary

Think you've exacted enough revenge yet?
Almost enough. I'll wait till next week to exact my NEW reason for revenge.
NEW REASON? What reason?
You still havent introduced another main character.
GAAARG!
And compared to next week, this week will be like owning a p0rn sever.
....
Speak... I dare you...
....
Thought not.
See you next time kids.