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Recap: The No-Men (a hybrid of No-Man, Dash Kvetchum, Narrator, and hEll dudE) step up to a young scholar for a battle. The prize? Scholar's free will. Now, read.
Battle #65: Assimilation and Expansion January 19, 2001
Setting: The Middle of Nowhere
Player: Scholar  [0-0-0]

Hmmmmmm...
SCHOLAR is studying ANCIENT TEXTS!
Hmmm.... If the circumference of the hieroglyphs are equal to pi... Aaah! I get it!
NO-MEN appeared!
Aaah, aaah...
*AHEM* NO-MEN appeared!
Aaah, aaah...
HELLO?
Aaah...what? Oh, just a minute. I'm busy aaahing.
XTRA NARRATOR gathered this!
Why is SCHOLAR aaahing!
I feel smug, because I just figured this Egyptian hieroglyph out.. I make aaah noises when smug.
WHATEVER!
SCHOLAR paid ATTENTION to XTRA NARRATOR!
Wow. That was rather strange. One minute I'm aaahing, next minute I'm watching the narrator eagerly.
NO-MEN is/are impatient!
Hm?
Oh my...!
ICAN'TBELIEVEIT!ITISTHENO-MENOFANCIENTLEGENTS!ICANGETPUTINANCIENTPROPHECIESWEEKLY!
I'LLBEAMILLIONAIRE!I'LLBEFAMOUS!PEOPLEWILLLOVEME!I'LLGETMARRIED!I'LL...
Just gotta getta picture of it...
Um, let's see if the Manual to Poké Battling can help me here...
Me, use snap a picture!
PICTURE appeared!
Hey! That's my Sphinx photo!
It's the only copy!
SCHOLAR used SNAP!
But it failed!
Jeez, SCHOLAR is weak!
Since XTRA NARRATOR feeling nice today, though, XTRA NARRATOR will do you a favor!
CONVENIENTLY SITUATED DOOMPUFF appeared!
Huh?
CSDOOMPUFF used SNAP!
That hideous thing can't possibly know the art of photography...
HUH!
OF COURSE NOT!
Then why that thing?
PICTURE was snapped in HALF!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
PICTURE fainted!
My sphinx! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Is SCHOLAR feeling SMUG now!
You idiot! I'm now filled with rage and anger! Not smug, no way!
XTRA NARRATOR grins sheepishly!
XTRA NARRATOR is new at THIS!
...my beautiful sphinx...
......*mumble mumble murmur*.....
...took twenty years...
...stupid Chinese complaining *mumble mumble*...
...cheesy Corvette *murmur*...
...hairy bananas always *mumble mumble*...
NO-MEN pretend/pretends to sympathize/sympathizes!
NO-MEN  begins to comfort SCHOLAR!
SCHOLAR doesn't want to be COMFORTED!
ALL MY LIFE IN WASTE ALL BECAUSE OF A FEW SUICIDAL CUCUMBERS EATING RADIOACTIVE DONUTS....
I THOUGHT I DESTROYED THOSE NEGATIVES...
THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW!
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.....
SCHOLAR has gone INSANE!
NO-MEN and SCHOLAR collided!
NO-MEN used ASSIMILATE!
SCHOLAR joined NO-MEN!
NO-MEN win/wins!

Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #65: Assimilation and Expansion

Recap: The No-Men face an average Joe (named Alex) in this battle. Fighting for a Game Boy? Or Alex Veragejoe's life?
Battle #66: No-Men Non-Stop January 20, 2001
Setting: The Very Edge of Nowhere
Player: Alex Veragejoe  [0-0-0]

Jump, Mario, jump!
A.VERAGEJOE is playing VIDEO GAMES!
Yeah! Super mushroom!
NO-MEN appeared!
Die, Bowser, die!
NO-MEN: AHEM! WE ARE HERE TO ASSIMILATE YOU! RESISTANCE IS PRETTY POINTLESS!
Uh... Just a second - I'm at world 8!
NO-MEN: WE HAVE TAKEN THE DUMBEST, LAMEST, MOST ALMIGHTY, SMARTEST, AND STRONGEST. PEPRARE TO BE NEXT!
I'm trying to complete Super Mario Bros. DX here.
NO-MEN: EH?
NO-MEN grab/grabs GAMEBOY!
HEY! GIVE THAT BACK!
A.VERAGEJOE is angry!
NO-MEN is/are engrossed in SMBDX!
A.VERAGEJOE wants to fight!
GRRRR!
....
Aaagh. I can't reach for my Nerf gun!
OH? A.VERAGEJOE was trying to REACH for NERFGUN!
Er, yeah, I was.
XTRA NARRATOR grins sheepishly!
A.VERAGEJOE grabs NERFGUN!
The enemy's some sort of hybrid character! Get'm, NERFGUN!
Yeah! Take that!
....
....
Why can't I fire?
Hm.
...
NERF GUN! USE YOUR FIRE ATTACK!
NERFGUN used FIRE!
NEARBY CITIZEN was FIRED!
NEARBY CITIZEN lost its JOB!
Stupid toy...
NO-MEN look/looks up from GAMEBOY!
NO-MEN used QUANTUM PHYSICS / BOWL OF SMASK / NARRATOR POWER / GET'M, DR. E! / CHOKESLAM!
A.VERAGEJOE is badly poisoned / confused / fully paralyzed!
...nerfgun...*gasp*...use an attack...*wheeze*
NERFGUN used ATTACK!
NERFGUN's attack missed!
*wheeze*
NO-MEN used THROW!
GAMEBOY was hurled at NERFGUN!
NERFGUN was crushed!
NERFGUN fainted!
*gasp*...er, go...*wheeze*..
No POKéMON: WHEEZE!
*wheeze*...no...*gasp*..go...
NO-MEN used ASSIMILATE!
A.VERAGEJOE was ASSIMILATED!
Graaaaaaaaaaaaah...
NO-MEN wins/win!

Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #66: No-Men Non-Stop

Recap: The No-Men find their way out of Nowhere, into the capital building. Can a solitary rock band save Emerald Version from assimilation? Find out here.
Battle #67: The Chosen One January 21, 2001
Setting: Emerald Version Capital Building Lobby
Player: Armed Guard  [0-0-0]

NO-MEN appeared!
Hey Rob - this CD rules!
This is a great rock band -
Rob?
Hey, you're not Rob!
NO-MEN smile/smiles!
NO-MEN: I MUST REACH THE PRESIDENT OF EMERALD VERSION! STEP AWAY, INSIGNIFICANT ONE!
NO-MEN used SUPLEX!
ARMED GUARD suffered HEAVY DAMAGE!
Blam blam blam! Go, gun, go!
Go, GUN!
GUN used BLAM!
A bit of NO-MEN was BLAMMED OFF!
NO-MEN used CHAOS MAIM!
GUN was blown into smithereens!
Aaah. Go, donut!
Get'm, DONUT!
Mmm...glazed..
DONUT used GLAZE BEAM!
NO-MEN lost... DASH KVETCHUM!
DASH ran away!
NO-MEN: BLAST!
NO-MEN used SPIRAL SLICE!
Hit 750,000,000 times!
OW!
ARMED GUARD is about to die!
Aha! Good thing I have this band-aid...
ARMED GUARD used BAND-AID!
ARMED GUARD AIDed the ROCK BAND!
Huh? Oh, my CD!
NO-MEN's ears were shattered!
SCHOLAR ran away!
ROCK BAND used DRUM!
DRUM used ROLL!
A.VERAGEJOE ran away!
NARRATOR joined XTRA NARRATOR!
Yeah, rock band, go!
NARRATORX2 used MENACE!
hEll dudE teleported to FIRE VERSION!
Ha ha! Donut, double team!
ROCK BAND and DONUT used DOUBLE TEAM!
ROCK DONUT appeared!
ROCK DONUT used GLAZED GUITAR!
NO-MAN fainted!
YEAH!
What? ARMED GUARD is being promoted!
ARMED GUARD was promoted to GENERAL!
NO-MAN lost to GENERAL!
DONUT dances with glee!
GENERAL dances with glee!
ROCK BAND: ;;O_O
Mmm.. Good donut.
Wonder how it tastes?
DONUT ran away!

Post comments on Emerald Version Battle# 67: The Chosen One

Recap: Dash arrives at the Ruins of Bet. (Bet?!) The noble temple guardian has a new quest awaiting Dash. Thou shalt read or thou shalt die!
Battle #68: A New Quest January 26, 2001
Setting: Ruins of Bet
Player: Dash Kvetchum  [4-3-0]

DASH arrives at the RUINS OF BET!
I heard that the legendary Inown resides here!
TEMPLE GUARDIAN appeared!
Oh great guardian, may I enter?
T. GUARDIAN says NO!
And why not?
T. GUARDIAN says thou DOES NOT have the 8-
Badges? I'm on my way-
T. GUARDIAN says NO!
No??!
THOU must collect the 8 PIECES of KHAN!
What?
T. GUARDIAN used FLASHBACK!
<HAMMY used PSYCHIC BLAST!
Mr. Khan exploded into little bits!
HAMMY: Muhahahahahahahaha…>
FLASHBACK ended!
So...the bits of Hammy's general are some sort of relic?
YES!
Hm. Where should I look for the Pieces of Khan?
T. GUARDIAN suggests thou try PEBBLE TUNNEL!
Okay, thanks!
See ya-
T. GUARDIAN says WAIT!
Wait?
ALL who walk on SACRED GROUND shalt not leave without a FIGHT!
T. GUARDIAN challenges THEE to a NOBLE DUEL!
I'll take you on!
DASH wants to battle!
T. GUARDIAN wants to battle!
T. GUARDIAN sent out PRICELESS RELIC!
Go, DR. E!
That relic looks awesome!
I wouldn't want to break it. I'll have to make it faint gently.
But first, Dr. Elm, use your magnifying glass for a good look...
DR. E used MAGNIFYING GLASS!
SUN shined through MAGNIFYING GLASS!
PRICELESS RELIC shattered!
Oops...
T. GUARDIAN is enraged!
T. GUARDIAN used BLIND THRASH!
Calm down!!
Attack missed!
T. GUARDIAN kept going and crashed...
Into STEEL WALL!
STEEL WALL: I hate my life...
STEEL WALL and T. GUARDIAN fainted!
Sorry there, buddy...
T. GUARDIAN lost to DASH!
DASH won the NOBLE BADGE!
He was a gym leader?!
DASH wins!
DASH heads toward PEBBLE TUNNEL!

Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #68: A New Quest

Recap: In battle form, Da Contest Man gives the co-ordinates to an awesome puzzle! Some tough questions here. The winner gets a battle cameo, so give it a try!
Contest #1: Cool Crossword January 26, 2001
Grand Prize: Battle Cameo in Battle #80
Player: Da Contest Man [host]
 

Welcome to Emerald Version Contest #1! I'm your host, Da Contest Man! Today's contest is a crossword puzzle - my favorite! Here are the co-ordinates for our puzzle! Go, co-ordinates! Get'm, CO-ORDINATES! First, we'll do the down co-ordinates! CO-ORDINATES used DOWN! 1 DOWN: FILL in the BLANK! RUINS OF ALPH, RUINS OF BET, RUINS OF ____! Seems like another language to me... 3 DOWN: Second PART of the FULL NAME of 2 ACROSS! An old character! 5 DOWN: Naive POKéMON trainer! That one's easy! Now for the across co-ordinates. CO-ORDINATES used ACROSS! 2 ACROSS: Former TYRANT of EMERALD! I remember him! 4 ACROSS: WEBMASTER of UNOFFICIAL VERSION! Those are all the co-ordinates for this puzzle. Now for the prize list! CO-ORDINATES, enough! GO, PRIZE LIST! PRIZE LIST used PRIZES! Here are the prizes! GRAND PRIZE:  A BATTLE CAMEO in BATTLE #80! An "I WON" BUTTON for your SITE! A CUSTOM written FANBATTLE for your SITE! Great prizes! SECOND PRIZE: An "I WON" BUTTON for your SITE! A FANBATTLE for your SITE! Cool! CONSOLATION PRIZE: An "I PARTICIPATED" BUTTON for your SITE! Good luck to all. See you later! CONTESTMAN ran! PRIZE LIST, return! MANY enter! FEW wins! SEND entries to ANDREVAN@AOL.COM

Post comments on Emerald Version Contest #1: Cool Crossword

Recap: Our semi-hero finds his way to Pebble Tunnel in this battle. Looks like there's only one member of Dash's group who can fit through the entrance, though... Bulblight, you better not fail this time!
Battle #69: All Your Ads Are Belong To Us February 27, 2001
Setting: Pebble Tunnel
Player: Bulblight  [1-0-0]
Note: Computer text is in blue.

DASH arrives at PEBBLE TUNNEL!
*No way you can fit in that thing, bub.*
DASH can't fit in ENTRANCE!
BULBLIGHT, go!
DASH: You'll have to go in, Bulblight.
*What you say?*
DASH: You have no chance to stay behind make your time!
*Fine, fine.*
DASH: You know what you doing!
BULBLIGHT entered PEBBLE TUNNEL!
*I can't see a thing!*
*Hmmm..*
*What was that attack that lights up caves again?*
*I know, it was MASH!*
BULBLIGHT used MASH!
MASH! The Microsoft Agent Scripting Helper! ©2001 Bellcraft Inc. http://www.bellcraft.com/mash!
Microsoft Agent! The revolutionary new ActiveX control! ©2000-2001 Microsoft Corp. http://msdn.microsoft.com/msagent!
ActiveX! ©2001 Microsoft Corp!
Microsoft Corp! ©2001 Bill Gates!
Bill Gates! ©2001 His Money!
AD CHAIN ended!
*Oh god... I have a headache*
This program has caused an illegal operation and will be shut down.
Ad chain caused an illegal function fault in NARRATOR.EXE at OE 7840264.8.
*Huh?*
NARRATOR reappeared!
*I guess that wasn't the right attack...maybe it was smash!*
BULBLIGHT used SMASH!
Super Smash Bros! ©1999 Nintendo Co Ltd.
Nintendo Co Ltd! ©1899 Fusajiro Yamauchi ©2001 Hiroshi Yamauchi.
*Not again...*
BULBLIGHT fainted!
AD CHAIN wins!

Recap: An innocent MD has a new patient. But the Narrator is acting strange. Even stranger than usual, that is... (This battle is violent and bloody. Don't read if you'll get offended.)
Battle #70: A Trip To The Doctor's Office February 27, 2001 PG-13 Violence
Setting: Pebble Tunnel Hospital
Player: Dr. Doctor  [all your record are belong to us]
Note: Rated PG-13 for violence.

Hm. This one looks awful.
I think I'll have to begin the operation immediately.
DR. DOCTOR begins OPERATION!
That's odd. A strange voice has been announcing things all day now.
SO?
So, SHADDAP!
DR. DOCTOR looks out the WINDOW!
DR. DOCTOR sees GIGANTIC CHAINSAW!
*gulp* Um, talk all you want, a-announcer.
That's SIR NARRATOR to YOU!
Why should I-
ATOMIC BOMB appeared!
Er, n-nevermind.
On w-with the o-operation...
There a-appears to be a t-tumor.
This HEAD looks breakable! Want to use HEAD SMASH?
Fool!
LETHAL INJECTION is hovering above DR. DOCTOR's NECK!
Eh...I mean, er, well...
USE HEAD SMASH!
But.. the MD's oath...
LETHAL INJECTION floats even closer above NECK!
Er, yeah, sir, um...
USE HEAD SMASH OR YOUR WITTLE NECKY-WECKY GETS IT!
*tremble*
DR. DOCTOR used HEAD SMASH!
Globs of PATIENT's SCALP fly all over the ROOM!
The BLOOD is calm! Want to SCATTER IT ABOUT THE ROOM IN A GORY MESS?
This is an outrag-
SAFE appeared!
SAFE hovers above DR. DOCTOR's LEG!
That's...plastic.
SAFE opens!
MACHINE GUN is inside!
Aaah!
I...I surrender!
DR. DOCTOR scatters BLOOD everwhere!
Aaaaaah!!!
DR. DOCTOR makes the ROOM a GORY MESS!
Now, you won't kill me.........
MACHINE GUN used BLAM!
DR. DOCTOR died!
DR. DOCTOR fainted!
DR. DOCTOR appears in BLACK VERSION, the LAND OF THE DEAD!
NURSE appeared!
NURSE: Dr. D, a new patient called Bulblight for y-...uh?
To be continued...
NARRATOR slips away!