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Welcome to Emerald Version, one of the many "Poké Battles" sites. Poké Battles are a form of humorous fiction that parody the Pokémon series of Game Boy video games. There is a whole "network" of sites ranked weekly by Jason Ross, creator of the original. Emerald Version is just one of these sites, but we hope you'll enjoy it.
- Andre and Zchangu, Webmasters

News: Acquired fanbattle #16, by Soir. posted 6/2/04
Latest: #F16 "It's Just Text" posted 6/2/04
Rank: #9 as of 5/27/04

Battle Quick Find: 86 87 88 89 90 91 F16

Battle #86: Battle of Yoshi's Island  February 17, 2002 Setting: ??? Player: ??? ~~ The mad cow disease that Ultra Cow has caught will nullify his rational thought. Ultra Cow will cause chaos across all of Emerald Version! ~~ Setting: The Cow Cave Player: Ultra Cow ULTRA COW is watching TV! Emerald Version is such a nice place... I'd love to be the leader of all that... ULTRA COW decides to take over EMERALD VERSION! TV: Come to beautiful Yoshi's Island... Where Nintendo characters roam free. TV: (Characters are actually low-budget actors. But who cares.) Ah, Yoshi's Island! That's where I will begin to take over Emerald! A few hours later... I've finally made it to Yoshi's Island! Time to wreak havoc! MARIO appeared! MARIO blocks the way! MARIO: Hey! You! Stop! As the oldest MARIO BROTHER, it is my humble duty to protect PRINCESS PEACH from evil-doers! Duty to blah blah... Protection blah blah... Blah blah blah. The PRINCESS is currently on holiday here in YOSHI'S ISLAND, and as such, I cannot allow you to wreak any havoc of any sort here. ULTRA COW yawns! Very nice, Overall Man, but I have a mission, and it's not going to be foiled by a dumb plumber. Especially not such an out-of-fashion one. MARIO is OFFENDED! MARIO likes his OVERALLS! Yeah, yeah. Move out of the way! MARIO wants to fight! Now this is fun! I will show you the true power of being evil! MARIO: Go, YOSHI! MARIO sent out YOSHI! ULTRA COW became SCHIZOPHRENIC! ULTRA COW sent out ULTRA COW! Go ULTRA COW! Whatever you say master! It was just a PHASE! PHASE used PASS! MARIO: What is Skit-so-fren-ic? See? You -are- dumb! YOSHI used TONGUE! YOSHI has SWALLOWED ULTRA COW! ULTRA COW turned into an EGG! EGG used HATCH! CRACK! TINKLE! SHARD of EGG SHELL hit YOSHI in his WEIRD-LOOKING FACE! YOSHI (translated): Yeah, well you're no creampuff yourself! *Cough* I am a DISEMBODIED VOICE! YOSHI: ...Point. Anyway... YOSHI was BLINDED by EGG SHARD! MARIO: Blinded? Is that when you can't hear? MARIO is too DUMB to figure out what BLINDED means! MARIO used BABY RIDE! MARIO turned into a BABY and RODE AROUND on YOSHI! YOSHI can't see! YOSHI ran into a STEEL WALL! STEEL WALL: And I was just waxed too! Inconsiderate video game dinosaurs... Ha! Your own attack did you in! SORRY to RAIN on your PARADE... but YOSHI is still conscious! ...What?! You BETTER have made a mistake. *Urp*... STEEL WALL fainted! STEEL WALL fell on YOSHI! YOSHI fainted! Much better. BABY MARIO is unharmed! BABY MARIO wants to send out next POKéMON! But BABY MARIO is a BABY and cannot TALK! BABY MARIO used CRY! What? BABY MARIO has a SUDDEN URGE for MILK! BABY MARIO looks around for MILK! BABY MARIO sees UDDERS! ..No! Wait! BABY MARIO latches on to UDDERS! BABY MARIO is DRINKING MILK! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Noooooooo! The source of my power! ULTRA COW is losing CONSCIOUSNESS! ULTRA COW used FALL! Whooosh... SPLAT! SPLOOGE! BABY MARIO was crushed by ULTRA COW! BABY MARIO fainted! ULTRA COW needs MILK badly! ULTRA COW struggles its way to YOSHI'S ISLAND POKéMART! ULTRA COW has made it! I need MILK! Gimme MILK dammit! Got MILK? No! I don't got any MILK! GIVE ME MILK! ARGH! POKéMART CLERK: I'm sorry, but we don't carry MILK! Would you like a delicious POTION or FULL HEAL? NEED... MILK! CLERK: Would you like to sell something? ULTRA COW is ENRAGED! ... YOUNG LINK enters POKéMART! YOUNG LINK pulls out LON LON MILK! ULTRA COW used GRAB! MINE! ULTRA COW used CHUG MILK! YOUNG LINK runs home to KOKIRI FOREST to get more MILK and tell his MOM on ULTRA COW! ZELDA FAN appeared! ZELDA FAN: YOUNG LINK has no MOM! Er. YOUNG LINK went to tell his...um...DEKU TREE on ULTRA COW! ULTRA COW wins!
Battle #87: Saturn Is Conquered  March 9, 2002 Setting: Saturn Valley Player: Ultra Cow Muhahaha! Saturn Valley, the home of Mr. Saturn! This should be fun! ULTRA COW is hungry! ULTRA COW wants to eat! ULTRA COW popped a few MR. SATURNS into its MOUTH! BLOOD used SLOSH! Yuck! ULTRA COW used GARGLE! ULTRA COW GARGLEd BLOOD and SPIT it OUT! Mmmm. ANGRY MOB OF MR. SATURNS appeared! ULTRA COW used SPIT! FLOOD of BLOOD WASHed ANGRY MOB away! Hah! That wasn't a battle, that was a snack! NESS appeared! NESS: Pick on someone your own size! Ha! Who? You! ULTRA COW used UBERSQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! NESS was UBERSQUISHed! NESS fainted! Take that, shrimpy kid! MRS. BLONDIE appeared! MRS. BLONDIE: Is UBERSQUISH even a word? Let me get my dictionary... ULTRA COW used DOUBLE-UBERSQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! MRS. BLONDIE: Never mind... MRS. BLONDIE fainted! Who dares oppose me now?! HUGE MR. SATURN appeared! HUGE MR. SATURN: When NESS said to pick on someone your own size, he meant me! HUGE MR. SATURN: This is for all the little guys out there! HYPER ROLL! HUGE MR. SATURN used HYPER ROLL! ULTRA COW used ULTRA MORPH! ULTRA COW MORPHed into BRICK WALL! HUGE MR. SATURN HYPER ROLLed into BRICK WALL! SMASH! BRICK WALL MORPHed back into ULTRA COW! HUGE MR. SATURN used CRY! HUGE MR. SATURN: Wahhh! Hmmm... its mouth is wide open. ULTRA COW used MILK SQUIRT! *Gargle! Gargle!* HUGE MR. SATURN became EVIL from ULTRA MILK! HUGE MR. SATURN: Hahaha! Being evil feels awesome! I know, but let's stop reminiscing about our goody-goody past, and... hey! HUGE MR. SATURN: What is it? We can be partners! Together we can conquer Emerald Version! DARTH VADER appeared! DARTH VADER: Join the DARK SIDE! Like my accomplice BIG BEN! HUGE MR. SATURN: Hmmmmmmmm... DEVIL appeared! DEVIL: Hold your hellhounds... er, horses...er, TIE Fighters, Vader! The big-nosed one is mine! ULTRA COW is angry! Stop! If I can't have him, nobody can! ULTRA COW used EAT! But it failed! HUGE MR. SATURN does not fit in ULTRA COW's MOUTH! Hm. Ah, I have an idea! ULTRA COW used MORPH! ULTRA COW MORPHed into STEAMROLLER! STEAMROLLER used STEAMROLL! HUGE MR. SATURN: Aaaaagh! HUGE MR. SATURN became a PANCAKE! STEAMROLLER MORPHed back into ULTRA COW! ULTRA COW used EAT! ULTRA COW ate PANCAKE alive! Smack! Gobble! Yum! ULTRA COW wins! DARTH VADER: Hey! You'll pay for that! DEVIL: Yeah! DARTH VADER wants to fight! DARTH VADER: I want to fight! You got the point across! Let's go! DARTH VADER sent out DARTH VADER! DARTH VADER: Let us duel! ULTRA COW sent out ULTRA COW! I will tear you to bits of black armor! DARTH VADER used LIGHT SABER! Hummm! Hummm! Hummmm! Slice! Ow! That thing burns like hell! DEVIL: Impudent fool! I will show you the true power of hell! DEVIL joined DARTH VADER! DEVIL used HELLFIRE! COMMANDING OFFICER: Ready... Aim... (HELL)FIRE! ULTRA COW's MILK became WARM! ULTRA COW used WARM MILK! DEVIL fell asleep! DARTH VADER used COMMAND TIE FIGHTERS! TIE FIGHTERS swooped down at ULTRA COW! Pathetic! ULTRA COW evaded the attack! DARTH VADER: Wake up, Devil! DEVIL is sound asleep! DEVIL dreams of torturing people! DARTH VADER: WAKE UP, DAMN YOU! DARTH VADER used LIGHT SABER! Slice! DEVIL was decapitated! DEVIL faint- GOD appeared! GOD: You have disrupted the balance between good and evil! GOD used GODLY FREEZE! DARTH VADER was immobilized! DARTH VADER can't move! GOD used LIFE MIRACLE! DEVIL's HEAD regenerated! DEVIL is angry! Hoo boy. DEVIL used SOUL STEAK! DARTH VADER's SOUL was REMOVED! SOUL is entirely BLACK! DEVIL: Excellent. DEVIL used TELEPORT! DEVIL TELEPORTed back to HELL! GOD: My work is done here. GOD disappeared! Ha ha! They're gone! ULTRA COW wins! Again! Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #87: Saturn is Conquered
Battle #88: Up In Flames April 25, 2004 Setting: Emerald Forest Player: Ultra Cow ~~ IMPOSTOR NARRATOR: Well, although my original plan was a failure, I must admit that ULTRA COW proves to be quite an asset. Perhaps I can use this mistake to my advantage and once and for all finish off my greatest adversaries. ~~ Emerald Forest, one of the most loved settings of all residents to Emerald. Green grass, tall trees, beautiful Pokémon... Ahh..I feel so nice...so clean, and fresh...it's so nice here... :) TIME TO BURN IT!!!!! And now, for some demonic laughing. Bwahahaha! Bwahahaha! Bwahahahaha! ULTRA COW used DEMONIC LAUGH! It's super effective! TREEs quiver in fear! Bwahahahahahaha! Bwahahaha! Bwahaha- Player: Dash Kvetchum I love this place! So many Pokémon to catch! DASH sees GLINT of LIGHT! Hey, what is that? Seems oddly familiar... GLINT takes off MASK! Can GLINTs do that? GLINT is really... BULBLIGHT RAY! Gasp! My lost Pokémon, BULBLIGHT!!! This would be an ideal time to try out my new catchphrase! DASH grins! "Gotta dash!" ('em all!) DASH moves toward GLINT! Getting...closer!! GLINT is... WHITE with BLACK SPOTS?! What the, what happened to my BULBLIGHT? GLINT was renamed ULTRA COW! ULTRA COW: What do you want, twerp? ULTRA COW: I'm kind of busy here taking over Emerald Version! Yeah, whatever you say, Mister. ULTRA COW: Technically, I'm a Mrs. or Ms., being a cow Wild FEMINIST appeared! FEMINIST: Represent! ULTRA COW: Represent! FEMINIST ran away! Get BACK to the BURNING, you FOOL! WHAT was THAT?! ..NOTHING, forget I ever SAID THAT! Anyway... You're going down, MEGA CATTLE! ULTRA COW: That's ULTRA COW to you! Whatever. What are you going to use, MILK SQUIRT? ULTRA COW used FIRE BLAST! ... Hey, since when can cows use fire attacks?! ULTRA COW: They can't! ULTRA COW: That's why I have this FLAMETHROWER! I've seen that FLAMETHROWER before... HEY!!! UCOW42@aol.com?! YOU CONNIVING BASTARD!! SNIPING IS CHEAP!! ULTRA COW: I was the high bidder, fair and square, punk!! I'm going to give you LOW FEEDBACK for that one, bucko! ULTRA COW: Your mom gave me some LOW FEEDBACK last night, if you know what I mean! Fucking bovine. Time to DIE!! DASH wants to fight! ULTRA COW wants to fight! ULTRA COW: Thank you eBay! ULTRA COW sent out FLAMETHROWER! I'll send out Dr. E! Dr. E: Why, hello chaps. What is that flamethrower doing here? FLAMETHROWER used FIRE SPIN! Dr. E: Oh. That. Critical hit! DR. E fainted! Hey what? Errrrrrrrrrgh!!! Alright, time to meet your maker! My newest addition! Get'm! RADIO! You don't stand a chance!! Radio! Use BROADCAST! RADIO used BROADCAST! RADIO is picking up 68.5 FM! Yes!! Spanish station! Time for SALSA! RADIO: Yo quiero Taco Bell? RADIO used SALSA! It's not very effective! Argh! ULTRA COW: Using fire attacks on fire-type Pokémon? You n00b! Go suck your teat, cow! ULTRA COW: I can't, sorry. It's physically impossible. Try! ULTRA COW used SUCK! Attack missed! ULTRA COW: See? Oh, very well. ULTRA COW: You couldn't suck on your own teat either, I bet. Oh yeah? Just watch me. DASH used SUCK! Critical hit! Thsee? I can do thipths! Bery easthily in fapt! CAMERAMAN appeared! CAMERAMAN used TAKE PICTURE! CAMERAMAN ran away! Hey! ULTRA COW: Now I get to beat you up AND have blackmail material after! ULTRA COW: Anyway... FLAMETHROWER! ULTRA COW: Use your PISTOL WHIP attack! FLAMETHROWER used PISTOL WHIP! RADIO was PISTOL WHIPed! Thanks for whiping my radio! It looks very clean now. ULTRA COW: And lemony fresh.. HEY WAIT! ULTRA COW: Narrator, what gives! Radio! C'mon! Tune in!!! RADIO used TUNE IN! RADIO TUNEd in to the HOWARD STERN SHOW! Alright!!! FCC appeared! Hey what? Give 'em hell, radio! FCC: The Federal Communications Commission will not allow this immoral and indecent speech on daytime radio! C'mon! Use RESIST! RADIO used RESIST! But, RESISTance was futile! Oh. I should just submit to assimilation now, but... NO! I can't just let this happen! RADIO, tune to another station! FCC used CENSOR! RADIO used TUNE! RADIO is now picking up 39.2 AM! Aha! News! FCC: Oh no! Our censor attack was used on the news instead of that OBSCENE Howard Stern! NEWS ANNOUNCER: This is the Communist News Network. *bleep* is *bleep* Gorbachev *bleep* Party Russia *bleep*! FCC: Actually, serves 'em right, Commie scum! Err.... FCC ran away! Uh, okay... now, use your BORE attack! RADIO used BORE! FLAMETHROWER fell asleep! ULTRA COW: Oh no! My flamethrower! RADIO, time to finish it! Tune in to some HEAVY METAL! RADIO used HEAVY METAL! A METAL BLOCK fell on FLAMETHROWER! Critical hit! Ahaha! What a satisfying crunch! METAL BLOCKS! The newest cereal that kids love to try and fail to eat! Stays crunchy even in flames! ULTRA COW: Does it though? Let's try that out. FLAMETHROWER woke up! Oh no! How'd he wake it up like that?! ULTRA COW: Finish him off! Use FIRE WHEEL! FLAMETHROWER used FIRE WHEEL! METAL BLOCK remains crunchy! But, RADIO fainted! Oh no! DASH sent out DASH! Gotta Dash! ... I mean, Dash! I want to use Dash! Oh! DASH used DASH! DASH DASHed into a CORNER! I need to find my BULBLIGHT before this forest goes up in flames! ULTRA COW: I'll finish you myself, silly catch phrase boy! The enemy's cornered! Go, ULTRA COW! Oh no! ULTRA COW: This forest is mine... as soon as you're out of the way! ULTRA COW used LEER! DASH is paralyzed with fear! Errr... Drrrrr... ULTRA COW: I destroy all that lies in my path! No mercy! Durrr...Whuuuuuuu... SLAP! IMPOSTOR NARRATOR fainted! ULTRA COW: Master! DASH used NARRATOR BALL! I don't even know what a NARRATOR BALL is, much less have used it... ULTRA COW was caught! Give a nickname to ULTRA COW? How about... err, STEVE! ULTRA COW was renamed STEVE! STEVE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! STEVE: Steve's a boy's name! STEVE: Master!! DASH wins! Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #88: Up In Flames	[22:18:32] Zchangu: good job everyone [22:18:36] Andrevan: Thanks [22:18:41] Andrevan: Thanks [22:18:42] Andrevan: :P [22:18:43] Zchangu: Dash, we have some lemonade for you in the back [22:18:56] Zchangu: UC, your makeup crew is waiting [22:18:57] Andrevan: Ultra Cow: when do I get my paycheck [22:19:30] Zchangu: When you realize that you'd be served in McDonalds if I wasn't kind enough to hire you [22:19:42] Zchangu: now get to your trailer, punk [22:19:45] Andrevan: UC: Stfu, mate, before I own you. [22:20:17] Zchangu: and what if I don't? [22:20:19] Zchangu: oh right [22:20:21] Zchangu: you'd own me [22:20:24] Zchangu: well [22:20:30] Zchangu: how about not? [22:20:34] Zchangu: OHHHH DISSS [22:20:46] Andrevan: UC: Well, your mom [22:20:50] Andrevan: UC: OHHHHH [22:21:11] Zchangu: sniff sniff [22:21:15] Zchangu: cry [22:21:18] Zchangu: WAaaaaah [22:21:24] Andrevan: UC: Sorry, kid, I got carried away [22:21:27] Andrevan: UC: here's a hankie [22:21:31] Andrevan: UC: I'm going to my trailer [22:21:37] Andrevan: UC walks away [22:21:37] Zchangu: alright I'm sorry man
Battle #89: Dash Walks Into A Bar May 5, 2004 Setting: Emerald Forest Player: Dash Kvetchum DASH sees GLINT of LIGHT! Not AGAIN! GLINT of LIGHT takes off MASK! GLINT of LIGHT was really - BULBLIGHT? Why, yes! Well, this time it's not going to get away! BULBLIGHT ran! DASH used DASH! Gotta Dash! SPEED sharply rose! DASH DASHed after BULBLIGHT! ASTHMA MAN blocked the way! Ack! He got away! Your fault! ASTHMA MAN: Cough! Hack! Wheeze! ASTHMA MAN fainted! Damn it! Well, I'm not giving up, he must be somewhere... I'll comb the world! First place to look is SEASIDE TOWN! Setting: Seaside Town DASH arrived at SEASIDE TOWN! The BAR would be a good place to look for information. DASH walks into a BAR! Ow, man, that was pretty painful. DASH REALLY walks into a BAR! So, the BARTENDER says: Oh, look, someone walked into the BAR. We must be in another joke. PRIEST: Oh boy. BLONDE: Not again. BUSH: Fantstik. CLINTON: That's "fantastic." Have any of you guys seen my BULBLIGHT? It's a small bright ELECTRIC type POKéMON.... GUY: Have another drink. Have you seen my BULBLIGHT? GUY: Have another drink. Is that all you can say? GUY: Have another- I don't WANT another drink! CROWD used CHANT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! GUY wants to fight! Fine, I'll take you! DASH wants to fight! GUY sent out GUY! GUY used DRINK! GUY is refreshed! Attack kept going and hit LIVER! LIVER exploded! GUY fainted! Wow, that sure was a tough battle. Yep. Meanwhile, CROWD used CROWD! Hmm, I wonder where the crowd is going now! I'll follow 'em! CROWD CROWDed in CORNER! DASH followed! ???: Did it hurt? CROWD: What? ???: When you fell from heaven! Oh ho ho ho ho! FEMALE POPULATION of CROWD used SWOON! (Except AMANDA! AMANDA: Needs more HUGHES! AMANDA ran away!) What? How did you just get the whole FEMALE POPULATION of the CROWD to swoon? That pickup line sucked! ???: Are you dissing my lines, man?! ??? was renamed PICKUP MAN! PICKUP MAN wants to fight! Bring it on PICKUP MAN! DASH wants to fight! PICKUP MAN sent out PICKUP TRUCK! Go! DR. E! Get'm! DR. E! DR. E: Why, hello chaps. What is this, I'm fighting a TRUCK? C'mon DR. E! Get into the TRUCK! Use TELEPORT! DR. E used TELEPORT! DR. E TELEPORTed into the TRUCK! PICKUP TRUCK: Hey, baby. Are you wearing space pants? DR. E: Oh dear. PICKUP TRUCK: Because your ass on my seat is out of this world! DR. E: Put up your dukes, fiend! PICKUP TRUCK used AIRBAG! DR. E was hit by AIRBAGS! DR. E: Mmmf! Damn airbags! Alright! Dr. E! Grab that KEY! DR. E used GRAB! PICKUP TRUCK: Hey baby, that feels good. DR. E: ... Uh uh uh! I mean, get'em Dr. E! DR. E used TURN! DR. E turned KEY! Aha! you got it! PICKUP TRUCK used MOAN! PICKUP TRUCK: Oh yeahh... just like that. DR. E: This is rather disturbing, chap. PICKUP TRUCK used DRIVE! PICKUP TRUCK and DR. E DRIVE into the SUNSET! PICKUP TRUCK: How romantic. Drive into the SUNSET? PICKUP TRUCK: Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot. And so am I, come to think of it... SUN used BURN! DR. E: AAAAAAAHHHH! It's super effective! DR. E: I'M BURNING!!!!!!! Hm, uh oh. PICKUP TRUCK melted! PICKUP TRUCK fainted! PICKUP MAN: You're ugly, but you intrigue me. DR. E! Use TELEPORT again! DR. E TELEPORTed back to DASH! PICKUP MAN: Go, ADDRESS BOOK! PICKUP MAN sent out ADDRESS BOOK! Wow, there are LOADS of phone numbers in there! DR. E: I'm still on FIRE here! That's it! Use BURN on the ADDRESS BOOK! DR. E used BURN! It's not very effective! PICKUP MAN: Ha HA! It's flame-retardant paper! DR. E: Heh heh, you said retard. PICKUP MAN: ... I wonder what's got into him. DR. E: Maybe it's that MY BODY IS AFLAME!!! Ever think of that, you bloody wanker?! Uh, sure. Of course. Now! Use STEAL! DR. E used STEAL! DR. E got ADDRESS BOOK! PICKUP MAN: HEY!! DR. E was hurt by the BURN! DR. E fainted! That's too bad. ...Whoa, you have Michael Jackson's phone number in here! PICKUP MAN: She's pretty hot. Uh... Heh heh, Gotta Dash! Can't escape! Drat! PICKUP MAN: Now I've got you! Hah, no matter how uncomfortable you and your TRUCK make me... you haven't even seen the beginning of it. GO, ULTRA COW..er, STEVE! Get'm, STEVE! PICKUP MAN: ...Heeeeeeey, baby. Jesus Christ. STEVE: Get away from me. STEVE used EAT! PICKUP MAN: :) PICKUP MAN was EATen! PICKUP MAN: That was less pleasant than I thoughhhhhhhhhtttt.... PICKUP MAN fainted! STEVE: Now, I demand to be released! STEVE, return! OAK: Hey, that isn't exactly trust and- DASH used GLARE! I still control him! OAK: *urp* Bye. DASH wins! Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #89: Dash Walks Into A Bar
Battle #90: Nudity, Nurses, and Name Raters May 20, 2004 Setting: Seaside Town Bar Player: Dash Kvetchum GUY: Have another drink! No thanks... I've had enough of your shallow customers and their senseless battling. I'm leaving, I need to find BULBLIGHT! DASH left! Why should I go left? Is that where BULBLIGHT is? No, DASH left! Look, NARRATOR, I don't just DASH where you tell me to like that. Especially if BULBLIGHT isn't there. DASH is an IDIOT! DASH left!! No! You can't tell me what to do! I DASH where I please! In fact, I think I'm going to DASH right! NARRATOR was NARRATING that DASH has left!!! ... Oh. Well, I guess I'll look around for some clues now! NARRATOR gets no RESPECT around HERE! DASH entered HOUSE! Sure seems quiet... DASH WALKed upstairs! Hey, what's that sound? SOUND took off MASK! What is it with non-physical things taking off MASKs lately? SOUND is actually RUNNING WATER! It's coming from in here! I'll try the doorknob! JIGGLE attack! DASH used JIGGLE! Locked! Damn! DASH is JIGGLEing! I'll have to KICK the damn thing down! DASH used KICK! Have you seen my- WOMAN in TUB used SCREAM! WOMAN: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! A JIGGLING MAN JUST BROKE DOWN MY BATHROOM DOOR! DASH is mesmerized! WOMAN used PEPPER SPRAY! Uh... where did you take that PEPPER SPRAY from? Being as, you know, you're naked. Er... DASH fainted! Setting: Pokémon Center ... Huh? Where am I? NURSE JOY: Your eyes are fighting fit! We hope to see you again! That voice..it sounds like it's coming from all directions. No sense of touch! Ow! Sense of pain... DASH is confused! NURSE JOY used SLAP! NURSE JOY: Wake up! Ok, I'm up! Gotta go find my BULBLIGHT... DASH exited POKEMON CENTER! That house looks like a good place to start looking! DASH has got to be KIDDING NARRATOR! C'mon NARRATOR, let me go in again! She was HOT! DASH's HORMONES used RAGE! Attacked three times! Hey, another house! What does the sign say? PICKUP MAN: Hey baby, what's your sign? I THOUGHT I DESTROYED YOU! PICKUP MAN ran away! SIGN: NAME RATER NAME RATER: Hello, sonny. I can rate the names of your Pokémon! Ok! This one...is DR. E! NAME RATER: Gee, that name sucks ass. Hey, I like that name! NAME RATER: I'm the NAME RATER, sonny. If I don't like the name, that means it's bad! Fine, you'll like this one! STEVE! NAME RATER: That one sucks even more than the last! Excuse me!?! You want to get your ass kicked, old man? OAK: Respect your elders! Damn you, OAK! DASH used MEGA PUNCH! OAK fainted! I'm going to take you down, LAME RATER! DASH is angry! DASH wants to fight! NAME RATER: Fine, I'll take you! I was a fine fighter in my day. NAME RATER wants to fight! NAME RATER sent out BULBLIZZIE! What the... That's my BULBLIGHT!!! Except now he has a dumb nickname! NAME RATER: Nobody disses my nicknames! Oh yeah? Take 'em down, DR. E! BULBLIZZIE used FLASH! BULBLIZZIE FLASHed its ID CARD! BULBLIZZIE: *FBI. We have a search warrant to investigate here.* DR. E: Oh, well, go ahead then. DR. E lost its turn! Oh no! NAME RATER: Now, use your BLINDING LIGHT! BULBLIZZIE used BLINDING LIGHT! DR. E can't SEE! DR. E tripped and fell down a STORM DRAIN! STORM DRAIN: oh :< DR. E fainted! D-..er, STORM DRAIN fainted! NAME RATER: You damned fool boy, can't you see that your Pokémon are powerless without a good nickname? Grr.. Go STEVE! NAME RATER: I enlighten you regarding nicknames and their great power, and then you send out a COW named STEVE? NAME RATER: You really are a fool! STEVE, use MILK BLAST! STEVE is loafing around! STEVE used TAKE DOWN instead! BULBLIZZIE was smashed open! BULBLIZZIE fainted! Yes! IN YOUR FACE OLD MAN! Huh? Something is happening to BULBLIGHT! What is that...ghostlike substance? Huh? STEVE? STEVE is WRITHing in pain! STEVE: My..thoughts...master... THOUGHTS escaped! STEVE escaped! My Pokémon! Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #90: Nudity, Nurses, and Name Raters
Battle #91: Mega Horse XCI May 25, 2004 Setting: Seaside Town Player: Dash Kvetchum NARRATOR fainted! IMPOSTOR NARRATOR appeared! What was that? The text size was so small, I couldn't hear it. DASH sees GLINT of LIGHT! Dammit, this is now the third battle where I've seen a GLINT of LIGHT! I suppose it will take off a MASK now? GLINT of LIGHT took off MASK! Let me guess... POWER CHICKEN? MEGA HORSE? Perhaps SUPER PIG? Well, NARRATOR was thinking TURBO GOAT, but MEGA HORSE is a better IDEA! Wild MEGA HORSE wants to fight! Well, I don't! Gotta Dash! Can't escape! ...Look, this is a bit of a bad time for me, can I fight you another time? MEGA HORSE will BURN up EMERALD FOREST if you don't fight! It was a big deal the first time, but now that BULBLIGHT isn't in it any more, I could care less about your forest burning schemes! SMOKEY THE BEAR appeared! SMOKEY used HYPNOTIZE! SMOKEY: DASH! Only you can prevent forest fires! Duty... overwhelming... must... prevent... forest fires.... DASH wants to fight! MEGA HORSE: You're going to be destroyed! MEGA HORSE sent out HORSESHOE! You can take him! Go, DR. E! Get'm, DR. E! HORSESHOE used HORSESHOE TOSS! Critical hit! Nice throw. I think that's about 50 points. MEGA HORSE: I play by New Zealand rules. They have those? MEGA HORSE: Yeah, the 4 human citizens of New Zealand are big HORSESHOES players. KOUSHIRO, TOBY, TOBY'S NIECE, and KOUSHIRO'S FRIEND: You betcha. You live in New Zealand, MEGA HORSE? MEGA HORSE: Yes, but I don't count as a citizen, because I'm a HORSE, and HORSES have no rights! That's terribl- DR. E: Uh, DASH? Er, right! DR. E, get that HORSESHOE with your TACKLE! DR. E used TACKLE! It's super effective! Yes! MEGA HORSE: Use SHOE! HORSESHOE used SHOE! HORSESHOE temporarily became the SHOE of DR. E! What did THAT do? DR. E became a HORSE! Well, he's still DR. E, right? Wild DOCTOR appeared! DOCTOR: Actually, horses can't legally have Ph.Ds, since, you know, they have no rights. MEGA HORSE: See? WE'RE OPPRESSED! DOCTOR ran away! DR. E was renamed MR. E! Fine, no biggie. MR. E, use your STRENGTH! MR. E used STRENGTH! Critical hit! HORSESHOE flinched! Good job! Now, MR. E, TRAMPLE that HORSESHOE to pieces! MR. E used TRAMPLE! HORSESHOE fainted! MEGA HORSE sent out MEGA HORSE! MR. E! Use- MEGA HORSE: Wait! Let me talk to him for a second. Uh... MEGA HORSE: We're not so different, you and I, MR. E! Just look at us. I'm a talking horse, and now you are as well. MR. E: What are you getting at, sonny? MEGA HORSE: Think about it! A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And no one can talk to a horse of course... That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous MR. E! MEGA HORSE: So we should join forces! That doesn't even make any sense! MR. E: ...WILLBURRRR! MR. E joined MEGA HORSE! You traitor! How could you be led into his lies and deceit! We have a forest fire to prevent here! SMOKEY: That's right, kids! And you can join the Junior Environmental Protection Club by- Dude, shut up. SMOKEY: Sorry. Use next POKéMON? Fine, go, RADIO! DASH sent out RADIO! MEGA HORSE used DOUBLEKICK! Alright! RADIO, TUNE IN to some PAIN! RADIO used TUNE IN! RADIO: Wave Version Battle #5! Player: Gizensha... It's super effective! MEGA HORSE is in PAIN! MEGA HORSE: MAKE IT STOP!! MEGA HORSE got a HEADACHE! DASH got a HEADACHE! This IS pretty painful... but if I can take it somehow, MEGA HORSE's HEADACHE will get worse and he'll faint! (On one hand, I'm the evil IMPOSTOR NARRATOR, bent on making DASH lose... on the other hand, the ADVIL company will pay me for endorsing its products.) ADVIL appeared! That would help! DASH's HEADACHE went away... easy as 1-2-3! Buy ADVIL today! I never knew the NARRATOR selling out could be so helpful! Or profitable! Hey, since I took the ADVIL... would you, you know, split the proceeds? MEGA HORSE used BODY SLAM! Critical hit! I guess that's a no. Alright, RADIO, use CD CANNON! RADIO used CD CANNON! Hit once! Twice! Three times! Four times! It's super effective! Critical hit! Wow, what kind of CDs are those? WAVE VERSION CDs! Made from the finest PAIN! Figures. RADIO is out of CDs! Hm, here, use these AOL CDs! I think I have a few on me, and there are a lot in this garbage can... Hit five times! Six times! Seven times! Eight times! Nine times! Two hours later... Three thousand times! MEGA HORSE: ULTRA COW... I have failed you.... MEGA HORSE fainted! Finally, a use for AOL CDs... what's going on with the Narrator here, anyway? DASH wins!(Foiled again!) Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #91: Mega Horse XCI
Fanbattle #16: It's Just Text (Yellow Version Battle #2)June 2, 2004 Player: Ninetales Author: Soir NARRATOR is loafing about! .. trying to make a SANDWICH! I thought the player was supposed to do stuff. The PLAYER is there to be PLAYED! Like a flute? LIKE YOUR MOM! ..Did I really just hear a Narrator say that? NARRATOR is TEXT! So NO, you DIDN'T! But I clearly di- NINETALES did NOT HEAR the NARRATOR say THAT! But you never said 'that', you- NINETALES is ABOUT TO DIE! -.. You, sir, are correct. Me, roll a die. NINETALES rolled DIE! DIE DIED! Tie dyed? TIE DIED! This isn't Star Wars, ya know. THIS is POKEBATTLES! No, 'this' is a word. NINETALES is ABOUT to CEASE TO BE! I can cease to be? I ever existed to begin with? NINETALES doesn't EXIST! Neither do you, you're just text. NARRATOR.. hey, look, a quarter! What good is money if I'm just text? SIGH.. YOU are a GAME CHARACTER! You mean like from DnD? NARRATOR means like from HARVEST MOON! Is that like Sailor Moon? NO! But it so could be! 'By the name of the pitchfork, I will punish you!' AND your LITTLE DOG too! .. dude, you so don't know your references. NARRATOR is OUT OF TOUCH with REALITY! Of course you are, you're just text. If NARRATOR was JUST TEXT, could it do THIS?! LARGE HOLE appeared under NINETALES! I dug that before you got here. LIAR! .. yes, I'm also lying down in the hole. You're a cheat. NARRATOR is above CHEATING! No, my text is above 'cheating'. Look at your screen! NARRATOR's SCREEN shows NINETALES DYING a HORRIBLE DEATH! Dyeing a horrible deaf? Like, a deaf person? DYE DIED! Betcha can't say THAT five times fast. DYE DIED DYE DIED DYE DIED DYE DIED DYE DIED! Yeah, but you didn't say that. You're still a cheat. NARRATOR's SCREEN disagrees! Like a DM screen? NO! Such defiance. What screen? NARRATOR used LIGHT SCREEN! NARRATOR has a GBA:SP! Only AVALIABLE in NON-TEXTUAL WORLDS! .. well, damn. My hopes and dreams, gone. Boo hoo. HOW can NINETALES have HOPEs and DREAMs if he's just TEXT! With difficulty, my dear narrator. NINETALES used DIFFICULTY! NINETALES is being DIFFICULT! You noticed? NARRATOR wants to fight! How can you fight if you're just text? NARRATOR: With difficulty. Touche. NARRATOR doesn't know that WORD! NARRATOR goes to BABELFISH! For ALL your TRANSLATION NEEDS! .. you know, you can't use money either. NARRATOR can use PAYPAL! Shouldn't that be PAYNTSC in America? NARRATOR isn't going to comment! You just did. NARRATOR sent out NARRATOR! A battle? In Yellow Version? Can we do that? NARRATOR used DO! NARRATOR began to SING! NINETALES fell asleep! If I 'fell' asleep, then the fall woke me back up. Ha. NARRATOR: DIE! NARRATOR used DIE! I dare you! NARRATOR.. rolled a DIE! You're not allowed to use my wit for your own purposes. NARRATOR wonders how NINETALES can have WIT if it's just TEXT! Why do you keep using my lines? NARRATOR is using WORDS, not LINES! NINETALES is now using LINES! Fine, I'll use lines. NARRATOR.. HEY! Dum de dum. NARRATOR does NOT APPROVE! It's gotten awfully quiet here. NARRATOR wonders how you can HEAR the QUIET if this is just TEXT! How the frig do I 'hear' quiet? AHA! NINETALES can STILL HEAR me! How can I hear you if we're just text? NARRATOR: AAAARGHHHHH!!! .. um, I ran out of PP for LINES. NARRATOR is RATHER ANNOYED! Hello, Rather Annoyed. My name is Ninetales. NINETALES was DESTORYED! ... you made a typo. SO? So I was actually 'destoryed'. So I lack story? .. YES! I never had one in the first place. WITHOUT a BACKSTORY, NINETALES has no FUTURE! I'm just text!! I don't care about the future! I know precisely what's going to happen because I can see the next few lines from right here! So don't even think of saying anything else! And don't .. wait. I'll just skip to the end of the battle. Bye now. NARRATOR- ... HEY! NINETALES can't DO THAT! ... NARRATOR is ALL ALONE! NARRATOR: Hello, All Alone. Bah, it's no fun talking to yourself. NARRATOR has NEVER HAD to DEAL with THIS BEFORE! NARRATOR has nobody to DEAL CARDS to NOW! NARRATOR has lost the PLAYER! NARRATOR.. can't EXIST without the PLAYERS? NARRATOR is AMAZED! NARRATOR: So we can't really kill them? NARRATOR wonders if they REALLY DIE! NARRATOR was quite fond of NINETALES's TIE-DYING.. NARRATOR: See, my puns suck. NARRATOR is CRYING! NARRATOR: COME BACK!! NARRATOR: I can't be LEFT HERE! NARRATOR has a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! NARRATOR is suffering EMPTY BATTLE SYNDROME! NARRATOR: Gee, they grow up so quick.. NARRATOR didn't WATER him at all! NARRATOR: Water was always his WEAKNESS! NARRATOR should find some WATER! NARRATOR takes a BATH! NARRATOR runs away from BATHROOM STORE! NARRATOR: Cripes, I'm taking over the PLAYER's job! NARRATOR.. can do that! NARRATOR will never get annoyed again! NARRATOR: This isn't so bad! NARRATOR never WANTS to be DISTURBED AGAIN! NARRATOR prefers the SOLITUDE! NARRATOR is HARDENED, yo. JUST like the DIFFICULTY! NARRATOR is getting accustomed to SILENCE! NARRATOR: shouts to ma h0m1e Silence, yo NARRATOR: HOW did I ever DO WITHOUT a lack of NOISE? NARRATOR likes the sound of his OWN VOICE! You don't have a voice, you're just text. NARRATOR dies of SHOCK! .. oh, crap. This is a lesson to us all? Remember, Narrators are for life, not just for Xmas. Use 'em, or lose 'em. NINETALES LOST! .. huh? But aren't you- NARRATOR is for LIFE! NARRATOR cannot DIE! But who will do your dyeing for you now? NARRATOR thinks YOU can! NINETALES DIED! NARRATOR: .. whoops, wrong sort of dye. I rolled a 7! ARE we REUSING this JOKE AGAIN? It works for everyone else. NARRATOR advertised the POKEBATTLES NETWORK! WITNESS the EXTRAVAGANZA that is REUSED JOKES! That's only funny because it's true. AND? And.. and.. I'll rehash YOUR joke. Them's FIGHTING WORDS! Are they? WORDS want to FIGHT! I'm too young to die! But NOT too YOUNG to DYE! .. that was poor, even for you. C'mon then words, fight me. I wanna end this quickly. BATTLE ended! Not THAT quick! NARRATOR WON! One? TWO? Who? ME! Three? FOUR! Sure. If we're not going to end this.. Me! Tie-dye! NINETALES used TIE-DYE! NINETALES DYED himself BLACK! .. uh oh. NINETALES blacked out... Post comments on Emerald Version Fanbattle #16: It's Just Text	Fan Battle!

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