You sure you want to be here? Really really really sure? These battles are from the dark days before... THE GREAT HIATUS! hiatus hiatus hiatus hiatus
Well, here they are anyway. Sorry.



Battle #1: The Appearance of Hannibal December 19, 2000
Location: Route One, On The Way To Viridian City
Player: Trainer [No Record]


Lah-dee-dah... I'm on the road to Viridian Ciiiiity....
TRAINER wants to become POKéMON MASTER!
I, Short Bob Gold, will become the greatest Pokémon Master.... of all time!
NARRATOR thinks TRAINER will be EATEN before that ever HAPPENS!
What do you mean, eaten? And for that matter, who are you, and why the %@\\$! am I suddenly missing an arm?
NARRATOR says that TRAINER'S real name is not MENTIONED above! ALL un-named characters in GOLDVERSION are eaten by HANNIBAL THE CANNIBAL!
... and NARRATOR just wanted to PROVE its POINT!
Hannibal... the Cannibal... AAAAAAAHHHH! Change it, change it! And give me my arm back!

Player: Short Bob Gold [No Record]

BOB'S arm was RETURNED!
Thank Almightiness... *phew*.
HANNIBAL THE CANNIBAL is APPROACHING!
Hah, well I'm not nameless now. I CANNOT BE EATEN! I AM THE IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE -
BOB'S HEART was EATEN by HANNIBAL while BOB was using CAPS!
Aaaaah! My heart! You're heartless, Hannibal! Gooo, Nidoran!
HANNIBAL sent out SNORLAX!
Uhm... big. Quickly, scratch it!
NIDORAN used SCRATCH!
SNORLAX used BREAK!
SNORLAX BROKE a RECORD!
What the... Nidoran, bite it!
NIDORAN used BITE!
What the... Nidoran, bite it!
NIDORAN used BITE!
What the... Nidoran, bite it!
NIDORAN used BITE!
What the... Nidoran, bite it!
GOLDWEBMASTER appeared!
GOLDWEBMASTER:
Get on with it...
GOLDWEBMASTER fixed the RECORD!
NIDORAN used BITE!
NIDORAN bit off HANNIBAL'S finger!
What? No, on Snorlax!
HANNIBAL is FURIOUS!
HANNIBAL says HE'S the only one ALLOWED to EAT people!
Uh-oh... RUUUUUN! Nidoran, return!
The enemy's a POed cannibal! NIDORAN, RETURN!
BOB ran for his LIFE!
HANNIBAL won!

Battle #2: Hey, Don't Sell Me A Used Gag! December 23, 2000
Location: Uncle Fred's Used Pun Lot
Player: Koushiro [No Record]


KOUSHIRO is GOLD VERSION WEBMASTER!
Yeees, very intelligent there, Narrator... now, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to buy more puns.
NARRATOR thinks that VERY FEW puns have been USED so far!
My stocks are low. Besides, everything's half price at Uncle Fred's Used Pun Lot! Where everything's half price, until February!
NARRATOR thinks KOUSHIRO is being paid to advertise UNCLE FRED'S USED PUN LOT!
Uh... shush!
KOUSHIRO used SCOTCH TAPE!
SCOTCH WHISKEY COMMERCIAL was TAPED!
Dangit! I made that Narrator too smart for his own good... hey, stop using up the puns!
KOUSHIRO bought 20 PUNS at HALF-PRICE!
NARRATOR notes that everything is HALF-PRICE to AMERICANS when you buy in NEW ZEALAND!
Shhhhh! Not everyone knows that I live in... uh. *sweatdrops* This never happened...
NARRATOR blabbed secret on MESSAGE BOARDS!
STALKER appeared!
Eep.
STALKER used STALK!
STALKER stalked a STALK!
CELERY STALK was EATEN!
STALKER left!
... I just got those puns! At this rate, I'm going to run out by Battle #10!
BATTLE 10! Soon available at a GOLD VERSION near you!
Grr... speaking of battles, don't we need a battle to make this a battle?
YET ANOTHER DOOMPUFF SPINOFF appeared!
YADPS wants to FIGHT!
Whyyyy meee?...
YADPS used QUICK ATTACK!
QUICK was ATTACKED!
QUICK fainted!
Bah. By now, the viewers will be double-clicking the "exit" button on their browsers... the battle quality is dropping rapidly!
MOUSE used DOUBLECLICK!
Hey, this pun's been used!
YADPS ate MOUSE!
YADPS is looking threateningly at KOUSHIRO!
KOUSHIRO cannot manipulate the plot while in GOLD VERSION!
Aaaaah! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
KOUSHIRO ran!
YADPS won!

Battle #3: Cannibalism  December 23, 2000
Location: On The Run
Player: Koushiro  [0-1-0]


KOUSHIRO is running from YADPS!
I've really messed things up with this... I've introduced a character that could destroy worlds in the second battle!
NARRATOR agrees!
I think I'd best be leaving now, before anything else happens, and start a proper plot!
KOUSHIRO left GOLD VERSION for REAL WORLD!

Player: Hannibal the Cannibal [1-0-0]

HANNIBAL is in GOLD VERSION CITY!
Mwahahahah!
I shall eat all unnamed characters!
EXTRA appeared!
EXTRA appeared!
EXTRA appeared!
EXTRA appeared!
EXTRA appeared!
Ah, food...
EXTRA wants to FIGHT!
EXTRA wants to FIGHT!
EXTRA wants to FIGHT!
EXTRA wants to FIGHT!
EXTRA wants to FIGHT!
EXTRA send out BULBASAUR!
EXTRA send out BULBASAUR!
EXTRA send out BULBASAUR!
EXTRA send out BULBASAUR!
EXTRA send out BULBASAUR!
Eeeugh... I get the idea... everything x5...
Eat 'em, Snorlax!
Go! SNORLAX!
BULBASAUR used RAZOR LEAF!
LEAF appeared!
HANNIBAL got 5 free RAZORS from LEAF!
LEAF disappeared!
... eat them.
SNORLAX used EAT!
SNORLAX ate BULBASAURS!
EXTRAS lost!
Mmm... dinner...
RSACi censored VIOLENT description of CANNIBALISM!
HANNIBAL used DOGGY BAG!
REMAINS of EXTRAS were put in DOGGY BAG!
HANNIBAL won!

Battle #4: Christmas Presents  December 25, 2000
Location: Koushiro's House
Player: Koushiro  [0-1-1]


KOUSHIRO is unwrapping PRESENTS!
Let's see... thanks for the socks, Mom... aww, you shouldn't have gotten me C:CTP2... really... thanks.
KOUSHIRO gets to POKEBATTLES presents!
Oooh, something from "Short" Bob Gold...
KOUSHIRO unwraps BOB'S PRESENT!
IT'S a BAR of GOLD!
Ooooh... shiiiiny...
Here's a present from Oak... a Linux Pokédex? Neat...
PRESENT from HANNIBAL appeared!
Hannibal? I didn't give him my address... did I?
KOUSHIRO is nervous!
KOUSHIRO nervously UNWRAPS present!
Eww... gross... better send Bob his heart...
KOUSHIRO gags and shakes the next present, from FARMER BILL!
Farmer Bill? I haven't even used him in a battle yet... what is it?
IT'S a POKéBALL!
Ooooh... Pokéball, go!
MILKTANK appeared!
Yay... a cow..
MILKTANK used MOO!
MILKTANK: Moooo.
LAVENDER PORTAL appeared!
o.O;;
DITTO appeared!
DITTO: My word!
DITTO wants to FIGHT!
Uh... oookay...
... MILKTANK!
MILKTANK died from SHOCK!
DITTO and PORTAL disappeared!
Yay... an empty Pokéball... _<;;
And, finally, here's one... from... it's not marked. Huh...
KOUSHIRO unwraps LARGE BOX!
BREATHING can be HEARD from inside!
KOUSHIRO opens BOX!
YADPS appeared!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
YADPS used EAT!
KOUSHIRO woke up!
Phew... it was... only a dream...
YADPS appeared!
YADPS wants to FIGHT!
KOUSHIRO fainted! Use next webmaster?


Battle 5: Farming Problems  January 3, 2001
Location: (G)Old Zealand
Player: Farmer Bob  [No Record]


Ho-hum... off to the fields, to go get the innocent 'lil kiddies some milk from the cows.
FARMER is going to MILK the COWS!
MILKTANK appeared!
Ah, there's one now...
MILKTANK wants to fight!
Huh? Never had this happen before... I'll get in my tractor and just find another cow...
Go! TRACTOR!
Wha? Ah, I guess I'll... go flatten that weird cow or somethin'...
TRACTOR used FLATTEN!
GRASS was FLATTENED!
MILKTANK used MILK!
MILK was fired at FARMER!
Ah, milk... better use this bucket to get it.
FARMER caught MILK with a BUCKET!
MILKTANK used HEADBUTT!
TRACTOR was headbutted!
I'll drive over that cow!
TRACTOR drove over MILKTANK!
MILKTANK fainted!
FARMER wins!
Yay...?

Battle #6: The Turks Sell Mako Steak Knifes January 18, 2001
Location: TV Studio in Midgar
Player: Tseng  [No Record]


TSENG appeared!
RUFUS appeared!
RUDE appeared!
ELENA appeared!
NARRATOR is wondering what the TURKS are doing in a TV STATION!
RUFUS:
Oh, we're making an infomercial - to raise money for Shinra, Inc, and the rest.
RUDE: So let us make it without an interruption from you, okay Narrator?
NARRATOR sighs and agrees...
Good. Now, roll the cameras, and prepare for the Mako steak knifes infomercial with Rufus, Rude, and Elena - take one!
RUFUS: Greetings! We're the Turks, from Shinra Inc, here to tell you today about these incredible Mako Steak Knifes!
RUDE: That's right! These amazing knifes will cut through anything!
ELENA: But is that even possible, Rude? I mean, how can something sucked out of the Planet cut through everything?
RUDE: It's simple, Elena. These amazing Mako steak knifes really can do anything! Let me show you on this frozen steak here. We simply take a knife, and make a quick slice on the meat!
RUDE used MAKO KNIFE!
FROZEN STEAK fainted!
RUDE:
As you can see, these amazing knifes are... well, amazing!
ELENA: Wow, you're absolutely right! But what if your steak was.. a bit harder? Like this concrete block right here?
RUFUS: Well, we don't recommend this for you all at home, but we'll demonstrate just how hard these knifes, made of Mako are!
CONCRETE BLOCK appeared!
CONCRETE BLOCK wants to fight!
RUFUS:
Now, this concrete block will be - wait, how can a block of concrete want to fight?
NARRATOR notes that this is POKEBATTLES!
RUFUS:
True. Now, I'll just cut with this ultra-sharp mako knife here...
RUFUS used ULTRA-SHARP MAKO KNIFE!
CONCRETE BLOCK fainted!
CLOUD appeared!
VINCENT appeared!
BARRET appeared!
Aaaaaaaahhh! What are they doing here?
CLOUD, VINCENT, and BARRET want to ... buy MAKO STEAK KNIFES?!
Why do they want to buy them? I thought they were our enemies!
CLOUD has admired the cutting powers of MAKO STEAK KNIFES - plus, wants to get a KNIFE of AERIS!
... uuugh... stop the cameras, this is so... embarrassing...
CLOUD bought MAKO KNIFE!
VINCENT bought MAKO KNIFE!
BARRET bought CHEESECAKE!
Hey, that was my lunch! It's not for sale! o.O;;
BARRET stole CHEESECAKE!
CLOUD, VINCENT, and BARRET left!
... okay, keep going!
ELENA: Wow, these are sharp knifes... so what else do I get when I buy these amazing MAKO STEAK KNIFES?
RUFUS: With these exclusive Mako steak knifes, we'll personalize them for you, before we ship them! Simply tell us the name of the spirit who you want to be made into a knife, and we'll find their spirit energy and transform it into this harder-than-diamond knife!
RUDE: This is the easy way to remember your loved ones!
RUFUS: Plus, you get this amazing GREEN TEXT MAKER, useable for one character in a battle on your network site! But only if you call within the next 31.4159265359 minutes!
ELENA: But wouldn't that be a major cost?
RUFUS: Yes, normally! But we're selling these for not 40,000 gil, not 4,000 gil, but only 2,000 gil! That's right! This is a full set of 8 steak knifes, fully personalized, and easy-to-use: They never have to be sharpened - again! Remember, this is an exclusive offer, available only from Shinra Inc.!
RUDE: So call 0867-4SHINRA. That's 0867-4744672.
ELENA: Wow! This is amazing! I'm going to get a set myself! And as for all you at home - order your set today!
And, that's a wrap!
CAMERA stops!
TURKS win!

Battle #7: Playing Pool 101 January 24, 2001
Location: Gold Version Staff Room
Player: Koushiro  [0-2-1]


Ah... finally, a chance to relax after that wait to get officially added to the Network...
NARRATOR agrees!
I sure wish there was a swimming pool or something in here... hey, speaking of pool, do you want to play, Narrator?
NARRATOR wants to know what he means by playing pool!
NARRATOR is confused!
NARRATOR hurt itself in its confusion!
... I've never seen a disembodied voice beat itself up like that before...
Anyway, pool is a game played on a table...
KOUSHIRO used HOYLE'S GAMES definition!
Pool is the most sociable game for the billiard table...
*** NARRATOR is now known as NARRATOR-[stasis]
... Pool is governed by the same general rules as Billiards...
*** NARRATOR-[stasis] is now known as NARRATOR-[school]
... and as such, a push-stroke is not allowed.
... Narrator? Are you there? ... oh. School?!
*** NARRATOR-[school] is now known as NARRATOR
NARRATOR was at NARRATOR SCHOOL!
NARRATOR is only an apprentice... didn't you know that?
Oh, Almighty One, I can't believe it... I hired an apprentice... a half-wit...
That's HALF-SCHOOLED!
... a temperamental apprentice...
NARRATOR wants to LEARN how to play POOL!
Okay. You take this stick... oh, wait, you don't have hands... well... the idea is to hit these colored balls on this end of the table into the holes -
NARRATOR used PUSH!
BALL kept going and crashed...
...into HOLE!
BALL fainted!
- by hitting this white ball here into them. Using this 'cue stick'.
CUESTICK used HIT!
CUESTICK hit CUEBALL!
CUEBALL kept going and crashed...
...into BLACKBALL!
BLACKBALL kept going and crashed...
...into HOLE!
BLACKBALL fainted!
*rolls his eyes* You don't want to hit the black ball in until you hit all your other balls in, otherwise you lose..
...KOUSHIRO wins?
Yes. I win.
KOUSHIRO wins!

Battle #8: WRITE! And the Turks return... February 6, 2001
Location: The Plains of Possible Return
Player: Koushiro  [Does anyone-ever read-these things?]


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
... are you okay?
Network ranking is in half an hour, and I haven't written a battle yet for this week...
... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Yes. Okay, quickly... to write...

Player: Tseng  [1-0-0]

Alright, everyone, I don't know where we are, but we'll have to set up camp for the night.
RUDE: Okay, how about we stay in that big tower that looks suspiciously like Shinra's base in Midgar?
RUFUS: Shut up and look for somewhere to stay for the night!
RUDE: But... look!
ELENA & RUFUS: SHUT UP!
Uh... I think he's right, there's a big tower over there with nobody in it.
RUFUS: How do you know there's nobody in it?
... er, plothole...
RUFUS: Ah. This new world seems to be full of plotholes.
How do you know this is a new world, and not simply another continent?
RUFUS: ... plothole.
Riiight. OK. MOVE OUT!
ELENA: ... isn't Rufus actually the president of Shinra? When did he become a Turk?
RUFUS & RUDE: PLOTHOLE!
ELENA: Okay, okay, I get the idea...
Okay. We set up camp in the big building. Tomorrow... we shall TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
RUDE: Isn't that ambitious?
Yes, you're right. Tomorrow... we shall TAKE OVER THE BUILDING! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
RUDE: ... hahaha?
No, no, like this... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
RUDE: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA?
No, with a 'H' on the end.
RUDE: Oh, I see... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
YES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
RUFUS: ... are they always like this?
ELENA: Yes, sadly...



I'm so very, very sorry.