Battle #9?: Attack of the Mercs! (Episode II) April 19, 2004
Location: Turks HQ (Department 7: Gold Version Event Division)
Player: Tseng [126-14-10]

Last time, on Gold Version Pokébattles...

Rude, Elena, Rufus, let's go! We need to get out of here, the mercs will be here to destroy HQ any minute!
RUDE: No... leave me. I'm dying, and there's nothing you can do to save me. Just... do me one favor, Elena.
ELENA: Anything.
RUDE: Pass me... my pistol... if I'm going down, I'll take a dozen of those merc bastards with me.
RUDE recieved PISTOL!
RUFUS: To me, Rude, you've been more than a mere protector. You've been... a friend.
RUDE: Don't give me that soppy crap, just get the hell away from here while you can! Go!
ELENA ran away!
RUFUS ran away!
TSENG ran away!
Wild MERC ARMY appeared!
MERC ARMY wants to fight!

And now, the conclusion...

Location: Gold Version HQ, somewhere in New Zealand
Player: Koushiro [?-?-?]

...the conclusion? What... the... hell? I haven't updated for THREE YEARS. There was no thrilling cliffhanger! There was no previous battle! There was some badly written junk about the Turks doing absolutely nothing!
Sure, YOU haven't UPDATED! But the VERSION has still EXISTED! And the PLOT you wrote has CONTINUED!
Plot? What plot?
Well, the PLOT that you DIDN'T write continued.
...right. So, let me guess: Three years have passed here in Gold Version since we last saw it?
CORRECT.
And in those three years, the Turks have been the main characters, have gone through ... 150 battles?! ... and now Gold Version is being invaded by a mercenary army hired by some unknown enemies, Rude's dying - or dead - and facing down the army with only a handgun, and Narrator knows what else has happened?
YES, as a matter of fact I DO KNOW. Excellent RECAP, by the way.
Thanks.
...
...
Maybe we should find out what's happening with Rude at this "Turks HQ".
PERHAPS.
Make it so.
SWIRLY VORTEX appeared!
SWIRLY VORTEX used SWIRL!
Computing relative METRIC SPACES... composing ARGAND DIAGRAMS... engaging QUANTUM TUNNELING... reticulating SPLINES... initiating COLD FU-
Can we just go already?
Spoilsport.

Location: Turks HQ (Department 8: Unexpected Updates Division)

Wait, where are we?
TURKS HQ, obviously.
Yeah, but this is...
KOUSHIRO looks at SIGN!
SIGN reads: "You are now in Department 8 of THQ, Unexpected Updates Division."
Huh, I didn't know signs could read. Well, if Turks HQ makes any sense, then department 7 should be down one floor. At least this HQ doesn't look like it has a frillion flights of stairs like their last one had...

Location: Turks HQ (Department 9)

GUARD: Halt! What are you doing here?
I'm looking for the mercenary army invading my world!
GUARD: Invading mercenary armies? That'll be Department 7, two floors up. This is Department 9.
I guess it would be too much to ask for things to make sense around here. Let's g--
GUARD: --wait a second, who are you?
I'm the webmaster of Gold Version! Can't you tell? I don't just wear this funny @-shaped hat for no reason, you know.
GUARD: Webmaster? Hah, I don't believe in the webmaster. I'm awebistic!
GUARD used MOCKING LAUGH!
It's super effective!
...truly the people of this world have lost hope, if they no longer believe in my very existence.
GUARD: Hah. What a gag. Seriously, is this April Fools Day or Halloween or what? I've got to keep guarding this empty room until the next shift comes, and they're already late.
...I have no time for this. We might as well go. But... I'm curious: what does Department 9 do? Department 8 is for unexpected updates, Department 7 is for general Gold Version events, Department 9 is...
GUARD: Department 9 deals with the Spanish Inquisition, naturally!
...that's funny, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition.
NOR was I.
GUARD: Yes, I thought it was a rather strange label myself.
...
...
...what was that noise?
WHAT NOISE?
It seemed almost as if a thousand punchlines cried out at once and were suddenly silenced...
Probably NOTHING.
Then let's go already!

Location: Turks HQ (Department 7: Gold Version Event Division)

Finally. Rude! Rude! ...he doesn't seem to be here, it's like he just vanished into thin air!
...er, ABOUT THAT...
Hold on a second, let me finish - he's just being... being... what's the word? Like impolite, uncivilized, discourteous...
DISRESPECTFUL?
Not quite. Anyway, that doesn't matter right now... although I'm sure the answer is right under my nose. We've got to find Rude!
THAT'S WHAT I've been trying to SAY! RUDE is right THERE!
Oh. So he is. Right... under... my nose. How... convenient.
RUDE: I see you finally made it. It's been a while... Koushiro.
Rude. What's happened? Why is this mercenary army here? Who hired them? Where are they now? How did they get here?
RUDE: Well, it's a long story, but I guess I should start from the beginning...
BATTLE ENDED!
How odd, it ended just when plot was about to be revealed. How... er... convenient.
ENDING! NOW!

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