Battle #9?: Attack of the Mercs! (Episode II)
April 19, 2004
Location: Turks
HQ (Department 7: Gold Version Event Division)
Player: Tseng [126-14-10]
Last time, on Gold Version Pokébattles...
Rude, Elena, Rufus, let's go! We need to get
out of here, the mercs will be here to destroy HQ any minute!
RUDE: No...
leave me. I'm dying, and there's nothing you can do to save me. Just... do
me one favor, Elena.
ELENA: Anything.
RUDE: Pass
me... my pistol... if I'm going down, I'll take a dozen of those merc bastards
with me.
RUDE recieved PISTOL!
RUFUS: To
me, Rude, you've been more than a mere protector. You've been... a friend.
RUDE: Don't
give me that soppy crap, just get the hell away from here while you can! Go!
ELENA ran away!
RUFUS ran away!
TSENG ran away!
Wild MERC ARMY appeared!
MERC ARMY wants to fight!
And now, the conclusion...
Location: Gold
Version HQ, somewhere in New Zealand
Player: Koushiro [?-?-?]
...the conclusion? What... the... hell?
I haven't updated for THREE YEARS. There was no thrilling cliffhanger!
There was no previous battle! There was some badly written junk about the
Turks doing absolutely nothing!
Sure, YOU haven't UPDATED! But the VERSION has
still EXISTED! And the PLOT you wrote has CONTINUED!
Plot? What plot?
Well, the PLOT that you DIDN'T write continued.
...right. So, let me guess: Three years have
passed here in Gold Version since we last saw it?
CORRECT.
And in those three years, the Turks have been
the main characters, have gone through ... 150 battles?! ... and now Gold
Version is being invaded by a mercenary army hired by some unknown enemies,
Rude's dying - or dead - and facing down the army with only a handgun, and
Narrator knows what else has happened?
YES, as a matter of fact I DO KNOW. Excellent
RECAP, by the way.
Thanks.
...
...
Maybe we should find out what's happening with
Rude at this "Turks HQ".
PERHAPS.
Make it so.
SWIRLY VORTEX appeared!
SWIRLY VORTEX used SWIRL!
Computing relative METRIC SPACES... composing
ARGAND DIAGRAMS... engaging QUANTUM TUNNELING... reticulating SPLINES... initiating
COLD FU-
Can we just go already?
Spoilsport.
Location: Turks
HQ (Department 8: Unexpected Updates Division)
Wait, where are we?
TURKS HQ, obviously.
Yeah, but this is...
KOUSHIRO looks at SIGN!
SIGN reads: "You are now in Department 8 of THQ,
Unexpected Updates Division."
Huh, I didn't know signs could read. Well, if
Turks HQ makes any sense, then department 7 should be down one floor. At least
this HQ doesn't look like it has a frillion flights of stairs like
their last one had...
Location: Turks
HQ (Department 9)
GUARD: Halt! What are you doing here?
I'm looking for the mercenary army invading my
world!
GUARD: Invading mercenary armies? That'll be
Department 7, two floors up. This is Department 9.
I guess it would be too much to ask for things
to make sense around here. Let's g--
GUARD: --wait a second, who are you?
I'm the webmaster of Gold Version! Can't you
tell? I don't just wear this funny @-shaped hat for no reason, you know.
GUARD: Webmaster? Hah, I don't believe in the
webmaster. I'm awebistic!
GUARD used MOCKING LAUGH!
It's super effective!
...truly the people of this world have lost hope,
if they no longer believe in my very existence.
GUARD: Hah. What a gag. Seriously, is this April
Fools Day or Halloween or what? I've got to keep guarding this empty room
until the next shift comes, and they're already late.
...I have no time for this. We might as well
go. But... I'm curious: what does Department 9 do? Department 8 is for unexpected
updates, Department 7 is for general Gold Version events, Department 9 is...
GUARD: Department 9 deals with the Spanish Inquisition,
naturally!
...that's funny, I wasn't expecting the Spanish
Inquisition.
NOR was I.
GUARD: Yes, I thought it was a rather strange
label myself.
...
...
...what was that noise?
WHAT NOISE?
It seemed almost as if a thousand punchlines
cried out at once and were suddenly silenced...
Probably NOTHING.
Then let's go already!
Location: Turks
HQ (Department 7: Gold Version Event Division)
Finally. Rude! Rude! ...he doesn't seem to be
here, it's like he just vanished into thin air!
...er, ABOUT THAT...
Hold on a second, let me finish - he's just being...
being... what's the word? Like impolite, uncivilized, discourteous...
DISRESPECTFUL?
Not quite. Anyway, that doesn't matter right
now... although I'm sure the answer is right under my nose. We've got to find
Rude!
THAT'S WHAT I've been trying to SAY! RUDE is
right THERE!
Oh. So he is. Right... under... my nose. How...
convenient.
RUDE: I see you finally made it. It's been a while... Koushiro.
Rude. What's happened? Why is this mercenary army here? Who hired them? Where are they now? How did they get here?
RUDE: Well, it's a long story, but I guess I should start from the beginning...
BATTLE ENDED!
How odd, it ended just when plot was about to be
revealed. How... er... convenient.
ENDING! NOW!
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