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We're not sure how you gained access to this box, but welcome to Shell Version, the only open-source Linux-based Poké Battles version. The Poké Battles protocol was outlined in RFC 92485435478, also known as Red Version, which you can access by clicking the button on your desktop. Now that you're here, we expect you to stay and read our battles... or we'll DoS your ass.
- Andre and Dom, sysadmins
(A note: The Fixedsys font is recommended to view this page correctly.)
bash-2.05# `ls -l ~battles/1; cat ~battles/1` | less
lrwxrwxrwx 1 root root 137 May 1 2004 "Phone Call"
SETTING: IT Department Office
PLAYER: Nelson Constantine [0-0-0]
FEEDBACK
NELSON woke up!
Huh? Whuh?
NELSON is in IT DEPARTMENT OFFICE!
NELSON was asleep! ON the JOB!
Who are you?
NARRATOR is NARRATOR!
Well, NARRATOR, do you have a volume control? I just woke up, and you're a bit loud.
NO!
NELSON winced!
Yes, I know I did, and you yelling that doesn't help matters much.
PHONE appeared!
PHONEs can't just... hey, you're right, there is a PHONE there now.
PHONE used RING!
Hello?
What does NELSON want to say Hello? to?
The guy who called.
I see no GUY here!
...Pick up PHONE.
NELSON picks up PHONE!
Hello?
CALLER: My computer doesn't work, I'm in the R&D department, using Windows XP.
We really need to get that department on Linux... have you tried Control+Alt+Delete?
CALLER: Nope.
Why don't you try it right now, then?
CALLER: I can't.
...Why not?
CALLER: Well, I don't have a keyboard.
...We really need to get that department on keyboards... try it with the onscreen keyboard?
CALLER: How do I do that?
Well, you have to go to Start, Programs, Accessories, Accessibility... Do you see it?
CALLER: No, I don't see anything.
The Start menu, it's the button on the lower-left hand corner, it says 'Start....'
CALLER: The lower-left hand corner of what?
...Your monitor.
CALLER: Well, I don't have a monitor.
...We really need to get that department- waaaaaait a minute, then HOW do you know your computer isn't working?
CALLER: My first clue was when this large, pink, spherical monster began salivating on it. When the monster took a large bite out of the drive bays, I knew-
...You've gotta be kidding me. What's today? April 28? Is this "Late April Fools Day" or something?
CALLER: Hey, are you calling me a fool?!
Well, no, I-
CALLER wants to fight!
Aside from my initial pacifistic objections... over the PHONE?
CALLER sent out ODDISH!
What's the matter, trainer? Send out one of your POKéMON!
What... what are those?
NELSON's POKéMON are LINUX, SOLARIS, KILLER, and HURD!
Alright then, go HURD!
No such POKéMON HURD!
But you said...
HURD will be done REAL SOON NOW!
Fine, go LINUX!
NELSON sent out LINUX!
ODDISH used POISONPOWDER!
Ally HARD DRIVE was poisoned!
HARD DISK SPACE REMAINING: 79 GB
Hah! That didn't do too much, I only lost a gigabyte.
LINUX, um, use LS!
LINUX: POISONPOWDER/ BIND/ ACID/ POUND/
Hmm, interesting.
ODDISH used POUND!
Critical hit!
Wow, that looked like it damaged the code... LINUX, heh heh, use RM -F POUND!
LINUX used RM -F!
It's super effective!
ODDISH used POUND... no more PP!
Excellent!
ODDISH used ACID!
LINUX! JUST SAY NO!
LINUX is confused!
It tried DRUGS in its confusion!
LINUX: bash-2.05# cp /dev/drugs /
ROOT FILESYSTEM is now on DRUGS!
What? LINUX is devolving!
LINUX devolved into WINDOWS!
Ok, fine, I'll just say it for you...though in a different context.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
WINDOWS is loafing around!
WINDOWS used CRASH!
Things just can't get any worse now.
PLANE CRASHed into NELSON!
AAAAAAGH!
Wild PRESIDENT appeared!
PRESIDENT wants to fight!
*Groaaaaan...*
PRESIDENT wants to fight TERROR!
I'm sorry?
PRESIDENT used VOW!
PRESIDENT VOWs to catch the BASTARDs that did this!
Dude, it was a model plane, it fell off my cabinet. And who the fuck are you anyway?
NELSON used CURSE!
What? PRESIDENT is devolving!
PRESIDENT devolved into COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSIONER!
COMMISSIONER wants to fight!
There are no 'terrorists' here, I assure you!
COMMISSIONER used CENSOR!
What was that ***** supposed to ******** do, ******?
COMMISSIONER: My work here is done. Uh... oh no! I think I see indecency... OVER THERE!
COMMISSIONER ran away!
Gah, this is ******. Return LIN- er, WINDOWS!
Give 'em ****, SOLARIS!
Return, WINDOWS!
Get'm, SOLARIS!
...
SOLARIS has reached SETTLEMENT with Enemy CALLER!
The ****?!
SOLARIS: This guy is giving us Ľ1.6 billion to run away. Would you believe that? Ľ1.6 billion! WE HAVEN'T EVEN SUED HIM YET!
SOLARIS ran away!
Bah, figures.
KILLER, it's ******* up to you.
Go, KILLER!
CALLER is frightened!
It's **** the Unix 'kill' command... hey, ***** he should be frightened!
KILLER, let's send this *** a message! MUHAHAHAHA!
CALLER is petrified!
KILLER used SEND!
KILLER sent SIGHUP to CALLER!
FUNCTION returned to CALLER!
PROCESS was HUNGUP!
PHONE: doo doo toooooooooooooooooooooo...
Excellent! I made *** hang up with the HANGUP signal!
NELSON wins!
**** to hear it. Now to get **** to work.
HARD DISK SPACE REMAINING: 4 KB
****! Well, let's try saving the document anyway.
Partition check: HDA: HDA1 HDA2 < HDA5 > HDA3 HDA4
attempt to access beyond end of device
03:02: rw=0, want=2, limit=1
ext2-fs: unable to read superblock
attempt to access beyond end of device
ext2-fs: unable to read superblock
minix-fs: unable to read superblock
[ms-dos fs rel 12, fat 0, check=n, conv=b, uid=0, gid=0, umask=022, bmap]
[me=0x0, cs=0, #f=0, fs=0, fl=0, ds=0, de=0, data=0, se=0, ts=0, ls=0, rc=0, fc=4294967295]
transaction block size=512
attempt to access beyond end of device
03:02: rw=0, want=33, limit=1
isofs_read_super: bread failed, dev 03:02 iso-blknum 16 block 32
kernel panic: VFS: unable to mount root fs on 03:02
GENERAL FAILURE: SYSTEM HALTED