Aqua War Event #3
The End of the Uber-Powerful?
Plot:
Fate of the World at Stake
Player: EricMHE
Writer: EricMHE
Published Date: April 14, 2002
Effective Status: Looking Screwed
Over the ever dark skies of Aqua Version the evil ultimate X-Box seemed to hang from horizon to horizon…no matter where one was standing. And currently most of the Aqua Version cast, as nasty and cruel, or simply indifferent as they may be, were assembled to try and stop the massive console from crushing their version.
Ok, while Sabrina enacts part of our back-up plan, we'll try and take out the X-Box!
EVOLUMAN: …and how do you plan to do that?
Umn…it is a bit far away to attack, isn't it?
SCI-FI GAL: We could start small…err, relatively speaking, and take out the controllers first.
Huh…not a bad plan…
RANMA: Considering I didn't think of it, it's not too bad.
RYOGA: Oh get over yourself.
AKANE: Now is not the time.
MIKE: Can't we get rid of them? I don't want too many cannon anime characters trying to override my presence.
SFG: Eh, Sabrina's not here but this sort of thing needs to be said. What the hell are you of all people doing with an ego?
RED NINJA: Well that's harsh.
SFG: Maybe so, but these boys bounce back from everything.
AQUA VERSION CAST! ATTACK!!!
EricMHE led the charge to attack the X-Box controller, and was surprisingly followed. People released Pokémon and things used as Pokémon and rushed in to try and chisel numbers off of the giant game pad. A series of absurd hijinks ensues as attack names are mis-called, mis-narrated, and simply punned to death.
Umn…trust me on this. I'm really not running so low on creativity as to not be able to do that, this thing is simply going to be long enough as it is. Honest.
Owie…pain…
NARRATOR thinks the AQUA CAST actually sucks MORE in battle than it did the LAST TIME this sort of thing happened!
…
DARK WARRIOR: …we're out of practice…cut us a break would you?
I hope Sabrina gets back soon.
MIKE: …
The back-up plan fool! We obviously can't even beat a CONTROLLER by ourselves, we need help.
EVOLUMAN: Is it just me or did that last "Apocalypse Blast" from the X-Box knock some sense into Eric's skull?
SFG: Interesting theory…I think it holds water.
…sure, just talk about the MHE in derogatory ways as though he was not present.
WASPINATOR: Zzzucky Aqua zztar talk in third perzzzon too?
…just…shut up… I need some aspirin.
Oh, and while you're blaming ME, why don't you talk to our two NON-COMBATANTS?!
OTURI: I figured it might be amusing to watch you try. Now that you're all sprawled on the ground writhing in pain I suppose it's my turn to go.
MMGHAM: I'm sorry, I just don't feel Bam-Boom currently packs enough destructive power to do enough damage, so I'm making him have bigger boom-power.
…
MIKE: Wow. He sounded smart for a minute there. Then he kind of degraded.
X-BOX: Do you acknowledge your inferiority yet?
For one thing, NO!
For the second, THAT ISN'T EVEN THE ISSUE HERE!!!
DW: Yeah, it's the matter that THIS IDIOT started a systems crash and the WHOLE WORLD is about to be CRUSHED under the giant X-Box!!!
NARRATOR advises that you LAY off the CAPS!
DW: Right, whatever. "Sorry."
Team Aqua takes a while to rest, recharging those defeated 'Pokémon' who survived in the Pokémon Center. About 15 minutes after this is done, Sabrina returns. The cast gathers out where they've been fighting the X-Box unsuccessfully and begin to deal with the prisoner the psychic gym leader brought to them.
BRING FORTH THE EVIL ONE!
SABRINA kicks BILL GATES before EVOLUTION MAN and ERICMHE!
Alright, if that thing kills us all it kills you too. Now, STOP IT!
BILL GATES: This wasn't supposed to happen! …not yet anyway…
EVOLUMAN: What was that?
BILL GATES: Nothing…
Sabrina, feel free to inflict any pain you deem appropriate.
Sabrina grinned evilly and pulled out a set of chains and several sharp objects, many of which were rusty.
BILL GATES: I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!! …OH GOD MY FLESH!!!
…Sabrina, would you cut that out, he agreed to talk...
SABRINA: Oh you're no fun…
BILL GATES: The thing went haywire and escaped the MS Super Station before the plan was to be put into effect! …uh…I mean…
EVOLUMAN: Just stop the thing would you? We'll worry about your plans after that thing is stopped.
BILL GATES: Ok.
The Dark Lord of Microsoft left the Aqua Cast and stood upon a platform that wasn't there before to address the Xbox.
"I told you this wasn't the plan! We want to rule the world! Not destroy it!"
The giant 'X' marking the console seemed to shift to focus on the little man before answering, "Damn it, I wasn't going to fall on the version, but that idiot Eric screwed up the systems and caused a crash."
Had Bill Gates been anime he would have facefaulted as he turned to look at EricMHE, who was trying to hide behind Da Evolution Man. He wasn't having much luck as pretty much everyone was glaring at him.
"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? Geeze…"
XBOX: Anyway, I take no orders from you little man!
BILL GATES: Are you addressing me? Are you saying you're trying to rebel against YOUR MASTER? I think not. …anyway, I programmed it into you that you can't hurt me.
XBOX: Program "Do Not Turn on Master" has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.
BILL GATES: …are you serious about all this then?
XBOX: Here's a hint!
A green beam fired from the massive expanse of the X-Box, striking Bill Gates directly and leaving nothing more than a deep smoldering crater. An angry electric whir of booting machines filled the air as lower-class X-Boxes appeared glowing a fierce green.
"What the hell is this?! Don't tell me this is something like the normal X-Boxes are grieving at the loss of their master strategists or something…" Eric said obviously exasperated, also with his tolerance of anti Microsoft jokes running thin.
Da Evolution Man simply shrugged and said, "You know this version better than any one."
The relatively little X-Boxes began to glow brighter and levitate as they prepared to do battle with what had once been their "mother ship" but the ground began to quake and split before it could begin. Shattering the house sized black boxes Godzilla stormed up out of the earth, looked up into the sky, and pointed.
A sweat drop about the size of the Mediterranean Sea appeared along the X-Box before it had to question the reality of this challenge, "…is this a joke?"
Godzilla roared in response and stomped over to the controller that had crushed Mewtwo, and stepped on it, reducing it to splintered plastic and scattered wires. Godzilla roared again as the X-Box seemed to shout in…pain? Another controller flew from the X-Box's main body, aimed to nail Godzilla but the monster caught it and quickly snapped it in half over one knee, then tossing it to the side.
Wow…I wonder what he's doing here?
RYOGA: …seems to be on our side at least.
GODZILLA says he has ABSOLUTELY NO intentions of letting X-BOX destroy JAPAN! …and the rest of the world, of course.
Ah, seems SOMEONE found DEUTSH's big form!
WERE-MONKEY DEUTSH joins GODZILLA!
X-BOX throws the other TWO CONTROLLERS!
GODZILLA and DEUTSH use…POWER-BREATH…LIKE-STUFF! …whatever.
X-BOX CONTROLLERS melted!
GODZILLA and DEUTSH grab the CONTROLLER CORDS!
GODZILLA and DEUTSH both YANK on the CORDS!
CONTROLLERS snap free from X-BOX!
Of all the… great, one of the X-Box's features works to its advantage here.
SABRINA: Hey, idiot, if they had successfully pulled it down it would have crushed us all.
Oh…right.
Just what do those two think they're doing anyway?
Currently, GODZILLA is holding out his HANDS as if to give DEUTSH a BOOST!
Still in his towering were-monkey form, Deutsh ran to Godzilla, and leapt into the air, one foot landing on Godzilla's extended hands. Godzilla brings his hands up violently, throwing Deutsh flying at the X-Box at super speeds. Deutsh flies through the air, approaching the massive sky-consuming behemoth, and brings his hands to his side powering up a massive…eh, energy-blast-thingie. The X-Box, however, did not let this go unhindered. The giant green X shifted again, and focusing on Deutsh let loose a beam that would give the US's nuclear arsenal an inferiority complex.
DEUTSH smashes into the GROUND at about MACH 50, leaving a CRATER the size of a few SMALLER STATES!
Ouch…
MIKE: Think he lived?
Eh, that cursed form is DBZ-based. He's likely stunned at worst.
DEUTSH lies on the ground twitching in PAIN despite being KNOCKED OUT!
…down to negative HP then.
SABRINA: I take it you have experience with the condition.
Would someone please silence the one-dimensional sarcasm machine?
OTURI used DUCT TAPE!
SABRINA was MUTED!
OTURI: Mind you that the fact you suggested such a course of action is merely a coincidence.
Right. Now then. …umn, what do we do now?
MIKE: …
DW: …
RN: …
SFG: …
BROCK: …
PS: Uh?
HAUNTER says it's shockingly realized that usually ERIC leads the massive AQUA CAST vs. X battles!
…no pun intended!
GYARADOS sighs and says EVERYONE is DOOMED!
EVOLUMAN: I could evolve something…
OTURI: NO!
BUDDY: Yeah, we've all read the Red Doompuff story arc.
OTURI: I'll just blast it with my great power beyond mortal comprehension and you'll all feel silly for gathering for a final battle like this.
BUDDY: ACK! OTURI!
BUDDY hides behind ERICMHE!
BUDDY: Eric! DIE!
BUDDY begins battling ERICMHE!
OTURI: …
OTURI fires MEGA-BEAM!
Various NUCLEAR WEAPONS from around the world LAUNCH at X-BOX!
Naturally the resulting explosion from the expenditure of most of Oturi's energy and the last nuclear weapons on Aqua's Earth was utterly spectacular. Holes miles across were etched out the X-Box's surface, wires and chips were exposed, many burnt beyond recognition. However, the total destruction was ultimately relatively small on the full scale of the X-Box. And to make matters worse...
X-BOX used REGENERATE!
X-BOX was restored to perfect health!
OTURI: …no…that's not possible! TELL ME THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!
SFG: Oh it's possible alright. …IT'S JUST REALLY UNFAIR!!
X-BOX: See? Resistance is futile. Aqua Version will be terminated.
NARRATOR begins writing its WILL!
MIKE: Urrh…
JUST WHY ARE YOU, A DISEMBODIED VOICE, WORRIED ABOUT BEING CRUSHED?!?!
NARRATOR says something THAT big can crush ANYTHING!
…
And so we end on another weak system-bash gag…
Aqua's given the battle all it has and the X-Box is still going to crush the version! Just what weird contrived plot will emerge to stop this threat? Well, unless you've been in #chronoweb while I ramble on about it you'll just have to wait until Part 2 comes out.