Aqua War Event #3
The End of the Uber-Powerful?

Aqua War Event #3 Part 2: And the Beat Down Continues.
Published: April 21, 2002
Writer: Eric (and chat with MrKite15 certainly had an affect)
Player: EricMHE

ERICMHE is running around in circles!
We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed!
SABRINA tries to use PSYCHIC POWERS to remove DUCT TAPE!
It failed!
SABRINA…sighs and slumps in its LAWN CHAIR!
MIKE: Sabrina looks depressed. Weird…
SFG: I think depression does happen to some people in the face of imminent death.
MIKE: Not what I mean. Her being anything but angry or sarcastic is out of character.
SFG: Hmm, point.
SABRINA used TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION!
SABRINA: -- Somehow I don't feel this is a good time to mock my lack of characterization. --
MIKE: Like there's much else we can do.
DARK WARRIOR: We could lament about how much the webmaster sucks.
EVOLUMAN: Getting me in a crossover, then going on hiatus and not making full use of my greatness…
POPCORN SHRIMP: Not using any form of plot…
BUDDY: Making Doompuff. Then using it forever.
AUTHOR: Killing you all in a fit of blind rage in which I ignore any plot Jason, MrKite15, or myself have in mind…
BUDDY: No that doesn't sound…oh. Uh-oh.
DW: You know, we have things to be doing…
SFG: Like finding another version to slip off to?
DW: Indeed.
We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed! We're screwed!
SABRINA: -- Can we shut him up first? --
OTURI: With pleasure.
OTURI uses BIG BLAST!
ERICMHE was BLASTED!
ERICMHE lays in a SMOLDERING CRATER!
ERICMHE is crawling around in circles now…
We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed... We're screwed...
BROCK: Wow. He panics, he puts his full effort into it.
X-BOX begins to GLOW!
SFG: What the? It has a Death-Star super laser or something?
Actually…that's just it hitting the ATMOSPHERE!
SFG: Buddy!
BUDDY: Yes?!
SFG: Let's get going! Liquid ho!
BUDDY: But it's on hiatus isn't it?
SFG: On hiatus is better than being crushed! Let's go!
SFG and BUDDY activate TRANS-VERSION DEVICES!
They failed!
SFG: What?!
AUTHOR: I am keeping you all here through the power of a plot device! MWAHAHAHA!! …err…I mean…Narrator?
Umn…OOH!
Presence of X-BOX and its GRAVITATIONAL INFLUENCE is so great it's screwing up the LAWS OF PHYSICS!
…
SFG: …like this version ever listened to those at any rate…
BUDDY: It could mean anime laws of physics? Like that list…you know, since a lot of these Pokébattles versions have a big rip-off-anime thing going on.
SFG: Oh, I remember that list! The things like "Everything explodes"?
BUDDY: Right! …oh crap… that's a fine one to mention…
SFG: …would really suck to have the planet explode… but I don't think it's really all that different from just having it crushed. I mean, we're all dead anyway, right?
BIG, OMINOUS, SKY-CONSUMING OBJECT appeared!
DW: … IT'S BEEN THERE!!!
Uh…well, this BIG, OMINOUS, SKY-CONSUMING OBJECT is NOT enemy X-BOX!
GUH?!?! Are you saying there's something else as big as the X-Box?!
No! NARRATOR is saying no such thing! The new ARRIVAL is only about as big as SATURN!
…
SFG: "only"… Yeah, good one there narrator.
AUTHOR: Huh? I've not yet pulled my 'last minute' thing out to save the day…
BIG, OMINOUS, SKY-CONSUMING OBJECT was renamed to…
MIKE: Wait a minute…how can you even see what else is up there? There's nothing in the sky but that X-Box…
Uh…
MIKE randomly fainted!

Up in space: A small aqua world is dwarfed by the two great forces hovering nearby. One is a giant black box with an evil green 'X' marking it for what it is. The other, a massive, gaudy orange sphere with giant pincers and gaping maw is something known to only a rare form of Otaku/fanboy…
The new arrival is a dark god, a rival of a god of light that created a world… well, in its own continuity anyway. At any rate the new force to be trifled with is none other than the ultimate Transformer villian…

renamed to… UNICRON!

But, Unicron himself is quite evil, with no reason to save a world. Is his arrival yet more trouble for the already doomed world? And if not, just what is he doing here?

UNICRON: Hey, big-ass! You are IN MY WAY!!
X-BOX: Your destination is irrelevant. Your inconvenience is irrelevant. Whatever power you have is…
UNICRON: Irrelevant?
X-BOX: Yes. Your small, weak, freakin' orange self is no match for my m4d 3v1l sk1llz. So leave and you may yet live.
UNICRON: I would happily be on my way. But, as I said…YOUR WIDE LOAD IS BLOCKING ME!
X-BOX: Go around, fool!
UNICRON: Go around YOU? Damn it, you're taking up most of this solar system, I don't see a way to readily get around you! Anyway, Unicron swerves for no being! He tears through it!
X-BOX: Are you…*snicker* threatening ME? NOTHING COMPARES TO THE POWER OF MICROSOFT!
UNICRON: I notice even now your systems are crashing. I never have such problems.
X-BOX: …

The X-Box seems to glare at Unicron a moment, and processors can be heard whirling as it tries to come up with a witty response. However…X-Box was programmed for evil, not wit.

X-BOX: Oh bite me.
UNICRON: If that is the way you wish to play it…

Unicron lunges forward with surprising speed, orange light flies from his maw as it opens up revealing circular sets of great teeth. The gravity force from the orange light starts to tear apart the X-Box, sending plates and wires flying into Unicron's mouth. Then the pincers dig in, tearing thousand mile holes into the X-Box, smashing hardware and gouging out a planet-sized piece of the X-Box and pulling it into Unicron's waiting mouth.

UNICRON: Hmm…little rich in hard drive, and it's weird to eat a bit of something more malevolent than myself, but overall I think it's a taste I could acquire…
X-BOX: GAH! YOU…YOU…You bit me!!
UNICRON: May I remind you that you yourself suggested that course of action?
X-BOX: … That was a smart aleck remark, NOT an invitation!!

X-BOX: … Oh yeah, that's a believable transformation…
UNICRON: Eat laser beams, boxy!

Unicron fired twin blazing green energy beams from his eyes, tearing two gashes into and almost through the X-Box. The X-Box returned fire in the way of a massive energy wave from the 'X' that blew Unicron back and singed much of his forward surface.

AUTHOR: Ha! The one to save my version will be… EGOZILLA! But not just any incarnation of the ego of Jason Ross, but right after his next-to-latest fanfic, where he got so much praise he decided to believe that he was the second greatest writer in the world, including all published writers! Bwahahaha!
EGOZILLA appeared!
…dude, that thing's somewhere in between the size of Unicron and the X-Box…
SFG: EEEP!!
BUDDY: Why yes I'll hold you. Thanks for not jumping into Brock's arms. ^^
SFG: Bleh, let me go nerd boy.
BUDDY: …*sniff*
EGOZILLA: I 0wnz j00 all!
X-BOX: I think not.
UNICRON: I do believe you are mistaken.
EGOZILLA: You've read all my fanfics haven't you? If you had you would have to admit your inferiority to my almighty self.
X-BOX: Writings by a living ego? …
EGOZILLA: Well, ok, I am just the ego, but I'm an important part of Jason Ross, so read his fanfics!
UNICRON: I don't think I could be inspired by the work of a mortal being.
X-BOX: Humans…pfft. Like they even master the primitive languages that they develop. Trying to read their literature is painful.
EGOZILLA's eye twitches!
EGOZILLA's rage rose greatly!
Oh this is going to be fun to watch.
EGOZILLA wants to FIGHT!

And with that, three larger-than-a-planet awesome forces clashed in a Melee without the Brothers, but definitely with the Smash. But, the gravity and sheer force they had in such proximity began to upset reality itself, Aqua Version twisted and warped (even more than usual, and YES, it is noticeable) as reality began to bend and tear open.

FABRIC OF REALITY's HP greatly fell!
Like reality matters much here.
MIKE: Yeah, what's that even going to do?
ALTERNATE REALITIES are spilling into AQUA VERSION!
ERICPHD: What the? Where is this?
MIKE THE MIGHTY: What the?! I demand to know what just happened! Or else I'll start killing underlings!
AQUA VERSION's population greatly GROWS!
FANTASY GAL: Looks like I'm not in Kansas anymore.
SCI-FI GAL: I can't believe an alternate version of myself just said that…
NARRATOR is getting a headache!
Other NARRATOR's TEXT offends NARRATOR!
What? Oi…NARRATOR doesn't need this!
Neither does NARRATOR!
AAAAH!! To many VOICES! AAAAHHH!!!
SABRINA: -- Talk about the shit hitting the fan…--
ALTERNATE SABRINA: Duct tape hun? Let me get that off.
SABRINA: YAAARG! Oh just pull that off a little rougher, would you?
ALTERNATE SABRINA: Ooooo-oooh, you're into that sort of thing? It'd feel weird, us being versions of each other and….
SABRINA: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!
THE PAST RETURNS!
MIKE: Huh?
AQUA VERSION's PAST is flooding into the current TIME!
DW: Oh…that explains all the nothing…and the decimated cities and bodies…
FANBOY: Urg… wait a minute, didn't I resurrect as a…
GLOMPO: I'd wanted to come back a girl…
FANBOY: Die you sicko. But, …I'm not touching you. Someone else can do it.
THREE SHAMPOOS glomp on RANMA!
RANMA: Guh…can't…breath…
ROOKIE: …ahh man, I can't keep up with anything…
THE VOICES!! AAARRG…It's like I have an entire army IN MY HEAD!!! I'm used to being confused, but this is too much!
Interesting…ERICMHE is growing MORE personalities?
YES!! Now, could you knock me out?! I can't take this!
No!
…EVIL BASTARD!!!
Yes! Thank you!
JESSIE: Huh…
JAMES: Wow, it's like we exist in this version again…
STAR TREK, STAR WARS, and various OBSCURE TV SHOW spaceships become visible overhead!
SFG goes starry eyed!
SFG: Wow…to see all those ships in person…
FANTASY GAL: Star Trek. Eww.
SFG: Grrr >< You take that back!
FG: Make me.
SFG jumps FG!
BROCK waggles EYEBROWS at BUDDY!
BUDDY smirks!
Both watch!
THINGS that NEVER existed begin to materialize in tears in REALITY!
NEON PINK VALKERIE: Well…isn't this just a confuzzled mess of a universe?
DA CREATIONIST MAN: …weird dude…
DA EVOLUTION MAN: Your newfound existence offends me on many levels.
DA EVOLUTION MAN starts beating on DA CREATIONIST MAN!
Do it Evoluman! MAKE DARWIN PROUD!
JAR-JAR TELLITUBIE: Messa wuv you!
GAH!! KILL IT!!!
OTURI obliterates JAR-JAR TELLITUBIE!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
OTURI: You're just repetitive in this battle aren't you?
Meh, guess that's true.
OTURI: Oh, and stop glomping me in your over enthusiastic thanks.
OTURI fries ERICMHE!
ERICMHE lets go and falls over!
No…problem…

Meanwhile, oblivious to the damage their unbelievable size and power were causing to the foundation of the universe, and certainly to the mere mortals below, the X-Box, Unicron, and Ultra-Egozilla continued to do battle. Egozilla threw the smaller Unicron into the X-Box, leaving a massive crater in its surface. Egozilla followed up, trying to tear Unicron apart with his claws, but Unicron flew up and away, leaving Egozilla to tear trenches into the X-Box.

Aqua itself knew nothing but havoc, an actually powerful version of Mike battled Chang the Barbarian, Buddy met a version of himself who never snapped and went to Liquid. Hundreds of people battled clones of themselves and disgusting monstrosities who never had existed until now, and never should have. Time destabilized, people meeting future and past versions of themselves, sometimes also from alternate realities. Mr. Macho Gung-Ho Action Man continued to pump up Bam-Boom into an ultimate cannon…all three of them. One where he should be now, one three minutes behind him, and another three minutes ahead of the "present" MMGHAM.
With reality tossed and torn as it was, it was no surprise that a creature that ceased to exist when the future it had been in had, managed to get back. A massive tear erupted in the middle of nowhere, causing a vortex of wind and energies that tore apart anything nearby. Coming out of the new tear in reality was none other than the creature responsible for early attempts to mobilize Aqua into a fighting force…

DOOMPUFF: MUH-TROP-LUSS! …guh!
DOOMPUFF smacks itself!
DOOMPUFF: I'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND THAT LOSER TOO MUCH. HE'S RUBBING OFF ON ME… >< Oh WELL, BACK TO KILLING!!
DOOMPUFF looks around!
DOOMPUFF notices that no one has noticed its arrival! Except for the all-knowing NARRATOR, of course.
DOOMPUFF: THEY DARE IGNORE ME?!?! EXTRA-PAINFUL DEATH COMES TO ALL AQUA!! …OH, AND YOUR TEXT IS WRONG NARRATOR.
Not where THIS NARRATOR is from!
DOOMPUFF: AH, YES, THE TEARING OF REALITY. I IMAGINE THE LOCAL NARRATOR KNOWS BETTER.
Knows better? WHAT are you saying? You think YOU'RE a THREAT to a NARRATOR?

Doompuff let out a flash of dark power and the ugly text fell to the ground and the voice died out.

DOOMPUFF: NOT THINK, KNOW. NOW, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING TO KILL AROUND HERE…

Doompuff is back! Aqua is being torn apart simply by being near the cosmic battle! What will become of the first PB fansite? Find out next week in the conclusion of Aqua War Event #3!