Battle #78: A Humiliating Defeat! November 18, 2000
Set in: The..."Flowery Garden of Death"??
Player: EricMHE [Record: 19-14-8] Last battle, loss vs. Rampage (Battle #73)

Battle #78B: Webmaster’s Hiatus (Kind of a Bonus Battle) November 18, 2000
Set in: Southern Nevada
Player: The Aqua Webmaster [Record: 0-2-0] Last battle, loss vs. Pokebattle Fans (Bonus Battle)

Battle #79: Lost boys and Crazy girls November 22, 2000
Set in: A forest
Player: Ryoga [Record: 2-3-1] Last battle, loss vs. HACs (Battle #74)

Err…I was fairly sure that those HACs had captured me…but this is obviously forest, not a jail…
RYOGA got LOST on his way to the cafeteria!
….?
…AAAAAARRRRRRGGGG!!!!
I CAN’T EVEN FIND MY WAY AROUND IN A FORCED LINE!!!!
Oh well, maybe I should mount another rescue attempt…
Ally HAUNTER thinks not!
Huh?
Where’d Haunter come from and since when was it my ally?
Ally HAUNTER snuck in your BACKPACK hoping this would happen!
Ally HAUNTER is allied with you because MIKE’s still in JAIL and you want to free the prisoners too!
Ally HAUNTER says that makes you two a team! …however temporary.
Fine then.
What do you suggest we do, oh Mr. one-of-the-most-used characters?
Ally HAUNTER says it will be running the rescue attempt this time! …you, shall be a grunt!
WHAT?!?!
WHY YOU NO-GOOD, OVER-BEARING, LOUD…
HAUNTER said it!
NARRATOR merely TRANSLATED!
…
Well, I’m still mad!
Let’s go you ghosty-smart aleck!!
Ally HAUNTER says now is not the time to fight each other!
Ally HAUNTER says you must help it find the (few) other characters that are still free!
Oh geez, like that’s much of a list…
Anyway, when the hell did you get so noble?
Ally HAUNTER says it’s not!
Ally HAUNTER says it fully intends to be WELL REWARDED for its acts of heroism!
….figures.
Anyway, where do we start?
Crunch!
Uh…
What did I step on?
WASPINATOR: That wazzz Wazzzpinator’zzz HAND! HE JUST DID REBUILD IT FROM SCRAP, AND LOST FLESHY BOT HAZZZ TO GO AND ZZZTEP ON IT!!!! ….WWWAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Now Wazzzpinator hazz to spend even more time fixing himself…. Why univerzze hate Wazzpinator so?
Uhhh…can’t tell you that buddy, though, I think I can sympathize a bit, I’m lost 24-7.
WASPINATOR: Oh, zzuuree. You lozzzt all da time…. LIKE THAT COMPAREZZZ TO BEING BLOWN TO BITZZZ ALL OVER THE LANDZCAPE ALL DA TIME?!?!?!
Whoa…no need to blow a gasket!
WASPINATOR: Whatever…juzzt…let Wazzzpinator be… alone and suffering like alwayzz.
Uh…ok.
I think this guy could pull off bigger Shi-shi hokaden’s than me…
So, Haunter, this is the sort of guy we want our "army" to be made of?
Ally HAUNTER groans!
Ally HAUNTER says he thinks this guy might do! …and adds that it hopes you can find better soon!
That I’ll agree on. Now, help me pick up all these little bits of metal here…

Later: How much later? Why should I know? Just because I’m writing this you think I know everything? Oi. Just read on, please…wait a minute, needs more…confidence. READER will CONTINUE READING, NOW! There, that’s better.

Set in: Outer City limits
Player: Sci-Fi Gal [Record: 1-0-1] Last battle, beat up some HACs (Battle #71)

Ok, I’ve got my Starfury, a few Transformers for looks… my dashing John Sheridan… had to off Delen to get him, but, was worth it. I have all the nifty weapons; phasers, disrupters, PPG’s, bat’leth, minbari pike, lightsaber…
Hmm… not as much deadly and usable stuff in Science Fiction as there is in anime. Oh well, maybe I can diverge into Fantasy a little.
Yeah, keep the name but…
RACH…err, SCI-FI GAL ran into something and fell onto her rear!
Owwwieeee! My poor, cute ‘lil tush…
…..
NARRATOR didn’t HEAR that!
Oooh…who did that?
RYOGA: Erm…sorry, miss. Let me help you up?
Grr…I gue….whoo! Sure cutey!
RYOGA used BLUSH!
RYOGA is as red as this TEXT!
RYOGA also helped you up!
Hi, my name’s Rachael but the big booming voice that makes life hell for everybody living here has taken to calling me "Sci-Fi Gal." That’s largely because I’ve followed in the footsteps of "Fanboy" and capture things I think are cool, which tend to be Science Fiction related. It’s a fun life, even if I’m considered a bit of a terror.
RYOGA: Erm, well…I’m Ryoga, and I’m working to try and free the people captured by those heavily armed clowns…
Oh, that all?
RYOGA: Well…I…do martial arts and used to be out to kill a guy called Ranma. I think that Jigglypuff did it for me though. Actually, come to think of it…I haven’t seen any of my show’s cast for quite a while.
HAUNTER appeared!
HAUNTER tells RYOGA to get going!
Hey, why don’t I come along with? I don’t like those HACs much either, I mean, locking everyone up and now they’re making everybody build this big fortress-castle thing for Mammy. I think it was better when we had no government at all thanks to Doompuff.
HAUNTER looks you over!
HAUNTER wants to know what kind of POKéMON you have!
Read the battle. *points up*
HAUNTER does so!
Ally HAUNTER welcomes you on board!
Teehee! YAY! We’re off to save the world!
Allies sweat-drop!

Battle #80: Coming to a Head, the Battle for Survival! November 26, 2000
Set in: Road from HAC camps to Poké-cities
Player: Brock [No Record] Eh, he showed up in Battle #69

Well, I’m glad you decided to do something about Mammy, but I still think you went way too overboard on our jailbreak.
Ally SABRINA wants to know what makes you say that!
For one thing, you burned it to the ground so elaborately. I overheard something on the radio the day after about "A column of fire seen for miles."
Quite a few of us barely got out in one piece.
Ally SABRINA shrugs and says BLAINE helped!
Oh yeah, about that, why’d you help Blaine?
Ally BLAINE admits to being a bit of a PYROMANIAC!
Ally BLAINE says he’s much better about it now than when he was younger but he still likes FIRE!
…lovely. I feel like I must be the only sane gym leader left.
BROCK makes a point of falling back behind SABRINA and BLAINE!
Ally ERIKA walks up to BROCK!
Ally ERIKA says she agrees with you about SABRINA being excessive!
I’m glad someone does.
What convinced you she’d gone too far?
ERIKA: I think it was when she began writing threatening messages on the surviving walls in clown blood…
*Gag*…don’t remind me, please.
ERIKA: …or maybe it was the whole telekinetically nailing the few surviving HACs to poles outside the former prison walls.
…I did not know about that.
Ally ERIKA says you were PASSED OUT at the time from watching SABRINA decorate! …with INTESTINES!
*BARF!*
Err…I…feel woozy….just’a…just thinking about it…
Ally LT SURGE nods!
Ally LT SURGE says this generally isn’t the proper way to run a military campaign!
Well, duh.
SABRINA turns around to address everyone!
Uh-oh…why do I have a bad feeling about this?
SABRINA: Ok everyone, we’re off to defeat Mammy, you all know that, but there’s something much more dangerous out there. I plan on making a stop to send someone to take care of it.
Huh? What are you talking about? Who are you going to send after what?
SABRINA: I take it you’ve all read the Pokébattles 2000 fanfic? Well, the portal is weakening…Doompuff, might get out soon.
All other GYM LEADERS gasp!
THAT THING COULD GET BACK OUT?!?!
SABRINA: Yes, Doompuff is coming! If it gets out it’ll surely return to Aqua Version to finish the job it started. I want to try and send someone to Red Version to keep that portal closed. Come along, we don’t have much time.

Player: Ryoga [Record: 2-3-1] Allied with Haunter, Waspinator and Sci-Fi Gal (Battle #79)

Ohhh…the torture…
Ally SCI-FI GAL continues to drone ON and ON about BABYLON 5’s big plot!
I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE SHOW! I DON’T WATCH TV, I CAN’T EVEN BLOODY FIND CIVILIZATION REGULARLY MUCH LESS WATCH TV REGULARLY!
Ally SCI-FI GAL looks at you sadly!
Ally SCI-FI GAL looks ready to cry!
Um…er…don’t…
Ally HAUNTER says good going, dummy!
Well…err, I didn’t mean to…
Ally SCI-FI GAL tripped and fell on something!
SFG: Oww…what the?
GROUND begins to RISE!
This can’t be good…
SFG: EEP!
SCI-FI GAL slides off the RISING MASS!
Uhh…
RISING MASS of ground is starting to look very SERPENTINE!
Don’t tell me we ran into another freak Gyarados evolution.
Ok, NARRATOR won’t!
Oh no…
It was a normal GYARADOS buried under the DIRT!
Oh, whew…
Ally HAUNTER looks at the GYARADOS!
GYARADOS looks at ally HAUNTER!
Um…I’ll just be backing away now…
GYARADOS looks at YOU!
GYARADOS narrows EYES!
Uh-oh…HEY!
It’s you!
GYARADOS says the same thing!
GYARADOS would want to fight!
What do you mean, "would want to fight"?
…but GYARADOS has a splitting head ache and would like to know what planet hit it!
Probably a chunk of Venus or the Moon, that’s what Doomy blew up after all.
GYARADOS says now it has a pretty good idea of how BUTCH URRH felt!
Um, here, have some aspirin.
GYARADOS takes ASPIRIN!
GYARADOS says thank you!
Ally HAUNTER starts to talk to GYARADOS!
What are they saying?
Ally HAUNTER wants to add GYARADOS to the team to save the PRISONERS and defeat MAMMY!
Eh…good luck, I guess.

Player: Eric MHE [Record: 19-15-8] Loss vs. Pansy (Battle #78)

Um, sure we can’t talk about this?
MEGA HAC is quite SURE!
I was afraid of that.
Coward, stand and fight him!
Are you kidding? He’s 8 times my size!
MEGA HAC sighs!
MEGA HAC also wonders why everyone thinks you’re so dangerous!
Dangerous? I’ll show you why!
Yeah, challenge me to a fight, sure I know how to handle the likes of you!
ERIC used RUN!
ERIC ran right into a patch of DANDELIONS!
EEEEEK!!!
ERIC jumps and dodges wildly!
AAAAHHHH!!
ERIC barely avoided becoming DANDY LION FOOD!
ERIC ran out of DANDELION PATCH!
DANDELIONS don’t pursue ERIC!
ERIC is breathing heavily!
*pant-pant* Oi…I hate this place.
MEGA HAC coughs loudly!

Uh?
MEGA HAC wants to fight!
MEGA HAC sent out MEGA HAC!
All right then…Go Arbok!
Go! ARBOK!
Arbok, tackle attack!
ARBOK really can’t do that!
Why not? Sure, you can’t do a proper football tackle, but you can still…
You daft fool, look!
Look at what?
ARBOK can’t execute that ATTACK because enemy MEGA HAC has it in a CHOKEHOLD!
Oh.
Idiot!
Puffzan say you should watch battlefield.
MEGA HAC: Giraffe.
Huh? That’s not a…OOOH!!!
Enemy MEGA HAC begins to tie ARBOK up like a LONG BALLON!
OW!!
Ooh…I be feelin’ some sympathy for the snake.
Enemy MEGA HAC made ARBOK into a GIRAFFE SHAPE!
Get back here you foo’ snake!
Return ARBOK!
GOOO JIGGLYPUFF!
The enemy’s Mr. T in clown make-up, get’m JIGGLYPUFF!
Would you quit with the "Mr. T in clown make-up" thing already?
Yes, I do say it is getting a bit old.
JIGGLYPUFF switched sides!
JIGGLYPUFF allied with MEGA HAC!
WHAT?!?!
TRAITOROUS COWARD!
JIGGLYPUFF says it has no desire to be squished!
JIGGLYPUFF also says you, as CRIMSONKING would say, SUCK!
That’s not very nice…
NEITHER is CRIMSONKING!
Uhh, let’s get off that subject shall we?
NARRATOR shrug…er, well, NARRATOR agrees!
All right, back to battle!
YES!
PUFFZAN TEACH TRAITOR!
Go, Royal Kingler!
You’re bound to lose, get’m ROYAL KINGLER!
You’re not helping the team’s morale here!!
All right, King-Crab, bust that clown up!
ROYAL KINGLER used BUST UP!
ROYAL KINGLER got BUSTED UP!
This Narrator sucks.
This MHE is looking at a shorter life expectancy now!
Royal Kingler, hurt him!
ROYAL KINGLER used HURT!
ROYAL KINGLER hurt enemy MEGA HAC!
Ha! Yes!
Enemy MEGA HAC used MEGA FRY!
What? ROYAL KINGLER is devolving!
ACK!
ROYAL KINGLER devolved to CRAB DINNER!
NOOOOOO!!!!!!
DIE YOU STUPID SON OF A (RSACi editing here.)!!!!!
ERIC is transforming again!
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
ERIC transformed into a MEGA MHE!
NOW, MEET YOUR MAKER!!!!
ERIC and MEGA HAC begin to do battle!

Player: Sabrina [Record 4-6-1] Starred in Battle #75

All right, from here I’m going alone. You’ll all wait here for me, right?
GYM LEADERS look at each other nervously!
RIGHT!?
GYM LEADERS quickly nod yes!
Good. Be back in a few.

Player: Sci-Fi Gal [Record 1-0-1] Allied with Ryoga and Haunter Battle #69

And so, Sheridan jumps to avoid the…
NOT ONE OF YOU IS LISTENING TO ME!!
Allies RYOGA, HAUNTER, and GYARADOS look sheepish!
Oi…

…owwiiiee…
look at all the stars, mommy…
ERIC is looking worse for wear!
Geeze…I parody friggin’ Dragonball Z for a power-up and it’s no use…
This Mega-Hac’s still…owwwww….
NARRATOR thought ERIC knew!
…knew what, ya big dumb voice?
Knew that DRAGONBALL Z references immediately put you in bad standings with the NARRATOR and WEBMASTER! …though the latter no longer matters!
Enemy MEGA HAC used PUNCH!
WAAAAHHH!!!
ERIC flew into the air! ...and landed hard!
ERIC fainted!
MEGA HAC: Now to finish this pipsqueak off.
SABRINA: As much as I’d like to let you do that, I’m afraid I can’t this time.
MEGA HAC: Huh?
MEGA HAC was BLOWN AWAY by an UBER PSYCHIC BLAST!
SABRINA walked over to ERIC!
SABRINA: I just know I’ll regret this some day. Oh well. Time to rise and shine Mr. MHE.
SABRINA used REVIVE!
ERIC’s health is restored!
Uh…what the?
AAAHHHHHH!!!!
BLOODY HELL, WHAT IN BLAZES IS SHE DOING HERE?!
DAMN! I PITY DA FOO’S IN DIS SITUATION!
GET AWAY!!!
PUFFZAN NO GOOD AT DEALING WITH PSYCHO-PSYCHIC MONSTER!
ERIC backs up!
Right into PORTAL DEVICE!
Oops…
ERIC fell into ILLUMINA VERSION!
SABRINA: Arg! Damn.
ERIC came back out!
Damn it, just like every other version I’ve visited thus far…everyone’s standing around perfectly still, like they’re waiting for somebody to…I dunno, update reality or something.
SABRINA: Ah, good, you’re back.
AAAAHHHH!!
I FORGOT ABOUT HER!
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!?!
SABRINA: Shut up!
…
SABRINA: I need you to use this portal device to try and enter Red Version.
Excuse me? Enter Red Version?
Nobody can do that foo’….err…I sorry ‘bout that…
I’ll say, the originator land really doesn’t take visitors.
Yeah, lots of people have tried only to get a pseudo Red Version! You can’t get there.
SABRINA: Doompuff got there.
Yeah, Doompuff got there. Even the laws of physics don’t dare defy that thing.
SABRINA: Actually, Doompuff is the reason I want you to go to Red Version.
WHAT?!
HUH!?
SABRINA: The portal holding Doompuff is weakening, and some complete f'-ing morons are trying to open the portal.
Why da hell anyone wanna do that?
SABRINA: Silly stuff, like wanting to go home or missing their family on the other end, you know, basic absurd human emotion. Anyway, if Doompuff gets out it’ll surely head back over here to finish us off.
Doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure that out.
Huh? Really? I hadn’t caught on yet.
Oh, shut up, "Doc."
SABRINA is barely containing RAGE!
SABRINA says stick to ONE PERSONALITY while speaking to her or ELSE!
…
ERIC gets into a huddle!
ERIC tentatively steps forward!
Ok…I’ll hear you out…
SABRINA: So, I obviously want you to go to Red Version to keep that portal closed. If you can do that, life will continue, and the universe won’t be reduced to Doompuff chow.
…but, like we…er, I…crud…
Anyway, we can’t get to the real Red Version! The all-mighty one doesn’t allow many characters in!
SABRINA: Well, take this, then put your thinking cap on. We have to keep that Doompuff locked in there somehow!
Ok. Ooh! Cherry-flavored!
*Gulp!*
Ahh…?!
…personalities…slipping…NOO!!
SABRINA: You can thank me for getting your prescription later. For now, the fate of who-knows-how-many worlds rests on you. DON’T SCREW IT UP!
…ok…ARG!
SABRINA: Oh, and if you try to run away to another version or not try at all, or anything like that, be assured you will die young. At either my hands or Doompuff’s teeth. It’s in your own best interest to do what I say.
SABRINA leaves!
Whew…
Ok, portal device, let’s do this…

Player: Mammy [Record: 1-0-1] Tie vs. Waspinator (Battle #77)

Well, I must say…
I like what she did with the place.
HACs look at you funny!
Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s not nice to stare? ESPECIALLY AT YOUR SUPERIORS!
HACs look away!
Really conveys a powerful message about her destructive intent.
Get me Mr. Macho Gung-Ho Action Man. I…err, don’t want him away from my side until we destroy Sabrina…
NARRATOR inquires about this turn of attitude!
Hey…I may admire her handiwork, but it doesn’t mean I want to experience it…

Player: Mike [Record: 17-9-6] Seen in Battle #74

Yeesh, jail life sucks. I correct that, jail life for mere mortals who can’t psychically explode the guards at will sucks.
DEATHKARP: KARP! KARP! KARP!
DEATHKARP is happy!
DEATHKARP says it’s made progress!
Oh goody, you’ve dislodged another chunk of mortar. At this pace we’ll be through this wall in just a couple of years.
DEATHKARP beams proudly!
Oi.
MIKE used FACEFAULT!

Player: Lt. Surge [Record: 0-2-0] Eh, he showed up in Battle #75

Are you sure that was a good idea?
SABRINA: Sending Eric to an almost certain death? Sure.
Um…I mean, he’s not the most dependable person in the world. To say the least.
SABRINA: Oh, I know. Maybe he’ll succeed, he does have incredible dumb luck, maybe he won’t. In the former, it’s for the best. In the latter, he’ll hopefully die and I can start my plans to prepare. Even if Doompuff returns it won’t destroy Aqua Version. It’s a win-win situation!
I think…you’ve flipped.
SABRINA laughs maniacally!
SABRINA wants to know what makes you say that!
Um…I have to go talk to…erm, Brock, yeah! Bye!

RED VERSION!
RED PORTAL appeared!
Ok…let’s try this again.
ERIC jumped in!
ERIC landed in pseudo RED VERSION!
Damn…
Do-over…
ERIC hopped back into AQUA VERSION!
By the all-mighty webmasters, I want entry to RED VERSION!
RED PORTAL appeared!
ERIC jumped in!
ERIC flies back out!
Ow! …I can’t believe that! I was almost in, and I get kicked out by a giant ‘J’ and ‘R’… this is tricky.
ERIC begins THINKING!
Hmm…maybe Red needs more than the others…of course, that’s obvious…duh, dummy me.
OH GREAT CREATOR OF POKéBATTLES, PLEASE ALLOW THIS HUMBLE NETWORK CHARACTER TO ENTER THE GREAT DOMAIN OF RED VERSION!
GROUND shakes!
ULTRA FANCY RED PORTAL appears!
…
YES! I did it!
JASON ROSS: Getting warmer kid, just kiss up a little better and I’ll consider it.
ULTRA FANCY RED PORTAL closes!
…AAAARRRGGG!!!
….
Grrrrr!
ERIC fumes!