Battle #92: RETURNING HOME!
March 22, 2001
Writer: Mr. Kite with "creative consulting" (or if you prefer, butchering) (Actually, saving! Ha! Last Laugh Kite boy!) by Eric
Setting: Home's front doorstep
Player: Buddy
Doompuff, Oturi....or mom, I don't know which is more deadly.
BUDDY, glad to SEE you again!
...mom and a narrator...good god I'm screwed.
SUCKS to be YOU!
Eeevahl...alright *sigh*, I'm going in, wish me luck!
I got YOUR BACK, JACK!
With friends like you, who needs enemies?
...I could MAKE some for you!
...I'll pass, thanks anyway.
BUDDY entered HOME!
GENERIC MOM: Just where in the HELL have you been?!
...I, was stuck in a parallel universe...
GM: And what, you couldn't have called?
My long distance provider doesn't cover universe-to-universe calls...
GM: What did I ever do to deserve this?! Did I raise you wrong?!
Look, you never did anything wrong...
GM: Why, I remember when you were born...you were so innocent...why, I remember it so clearly...almost as if...it were a flashback...
...Oh, here it comes...god, flashbacks make me nauseous.
Scene: 1975, Generic Hospital
Player: Generic Mother
GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY GET THIS RAT BASTARD OUT OF ME!
DOCTER: Listen Ma'am, you're going to have to push, it's almost there!
LISTEN MAC, YOU TRY TO PASS A WATERMELON OUT OF YOUR WAZOO, THEN YOU CAN TELL ME TO PUSH!
DOCTER: Almost there, I can see the head...
What?
FETUS is evolving!
FETUS evolved into BABY!
DOCTER: it's out! Congratulations, it's an extra!
Doc, can I hold him? I wanna see the DIRTY #$%!%!% WHO CAUSED ME SO MUCH PAIN!!!
DOCTER: ...you'll see him soon, in the meantime, I hope my nurses can take care of you...
NURSES SMURSES, I SWEAR I'LL KILL THAT...
NURSE used HEAVY MEDICATION!
It's super effective!
OoOoOoOoOoh…..kill…KILL! KILL!! LET ME…
…Apparently not super effective ENOUGH! -_-'
NURSE used HEAVY MEDICATION!
Ooohh…
GM fainted!
Send out next expectant mother?
Setting: home
Player Buddy
GM: I was pregnant with you for..
BOTH: Eighteen hours, 7 minutes, and 48 seconds, and you weighed six pounds seven ounces.
GM: Am I boring you with this story?
BUDDY needs ENTERTAINMENT badly!
GM: So I am boring, huh?
Nono, I...*yawn*
GM: Right, I only sent you to the best schools....
School, right, I hated school...I remember...OH, NO, NOT AGAIN, I...!
Setting: 1985, school
Player: Buddy
TEACHER: Alright class, turn to page...
BUDDY hurt himself in his confusion!
TEACHER: We haven't even started the chapter yet!
...I saw the word algebra, I figured that would happen sooner or later. Why delay the inevitable?
TEACHER: If you don't give us a chance to teach, you'll never learn...
I thought ignorance is bliss.
TEACHER: Where will ignorance get you in life?
...the White House?
TEACHER: ...don't be a wise guy....
...isn't the point of me being at school to be a wise guy?
TEACHER: ....ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH *snap*
...did I kill the teacher?
CLASS: Yay!!!
...class dismissed!
CLASS ran away!
CLASS causing HAVOC upon unsuspecting POPULATION!
…looks like they're just running around screaming to me…
*SIGH* BUDDY is RIGHT! …
…NARRATOR would much rather they be out THERE causing SUFFERING though!
Setting: home
Player: Still Buddy
I wonder how he is now? I remember, it was gross how he used to chug Mylanta...
GM: Look...I'm just glad you're home son...you know, that Rachael girl called.....
She's still around? Heard she died?
GM: Nope, she's still around...narrator even has his own name for her...
Wow...Rachel, haven't seen her, no, not since that day...
Setting: 1988, playground.
Player: I…um…think it's…Eric? No…Buddy?
Alright guys, what now?
STAN: Why don't we play.......hide and go seek?
Yeah, sounds good! 123, not it!
KYLE: Not it!
STAN: Not it!
RACHEL: Not it!
JEREMY: Not...damn!
Alright, now, can't from 10 backwards!
STAN ran away!
KYLE ran away!
BUDDY ran away!
RACHEL ran away!
Hehe, he'll never find me here...
DOOMPUFF appeared!
JEREMY: 10...9...
DOOMPUFF: DOOOM...
JEREMY: Doom...what comes after doom?
DOOMPUFF: PUFF!
JEREMY: Oh, right...10..9...dooom...puff...umn, wait, that's not right...
JEREMY turned around
JEREMY: ACK!
JEREMY was snapped in half!
DOOMPUFF: Olly olly oxen free!...doom
RACHEL: Who said?....AWW, it's a Jigglypuff....
JIGGLYPUFF showed it's fangs!
RACHEL: ACK!
RACHEL was eaten!
STAN: Oh my god! They killed Rachel!
KYLE: You...
KYLE was eaten!
STAN: ...and we didn't even get to finish our catch phrase...
STAN was eaten!
DOOMPUFF: No more food....DOOOM…
DOOMPUFF ran away!
DOOMPUFF: DOOOM!!!
Err…that is, DOOMPUFF left the AREA! ..err, NOT running AWAY at all!
*snicker* They'll never ever find me here...
HOURS pass!
DAY was renamed NIGHT!
NIGHT was renamed DAY!
JUNE was renamed JULY!
SUMMER was renamed WINTER...
Setting: home
Player: Um…some dude…name starts with…um…I forget…
It was 2 years before anyone found me...I lasted on nuts and berries....to find out my friends had all died...hmn...how the hell did Doompuff appear in 1988???
PLOTHOLE appeared in 1988!
DOOMPUFF fell out of plothole!
PLOTHOLE ran away!
...nice save narrator
All in a DAY'S WORK!
Eh, besides, DOOMPUFF isn't exactly one to FOLLOW LOGIC anyway, is he? He wouldn't let a silly thing like a TIME LINE stop him from KILLING, MAIMING, AND DESTROYING stuff for no REAL REASON other than, apparently, DESTROY, MAIM, AND KILL! …For the HELL of IT!
...you have a point narrator.
GM: Doompuff took so much from us, your friend Rachel...and your dad....
....dad, right, I remember...military man, never spent much time with him...NO, WAIT, NO, NO FLASHBACK, I REMEMBER HIM FINE, PLEASE NO FLASHBACK!
Bwahahahahaha!
...eevahl
Setting: 1999, home
Player: Wait a minute…I can get this…
Why must you fight in the first Puffian army, dad?
GD: Well, son...someone must save the world from Doompuff...
Why can't they take me instead?
GD: Well, I think maybe the fact that when you were enlisting you kept playing with that machine gun...
...but it was only a flesh wound!
GD: It matters not, son, I want you to take care of mom while I'm gone...You're old enough now to have a job, since you're...you're 24 now? God, get a life!
I have no nowhere else to go o_o;;
GD: Hopefully, I'll be back, after all, it *is* just a jigglypuff...what damage could it possibly do?
DOOMPUFF appeared!
GD: What the...
GENERIC DAD was snapped in half!
DOOMPUFF: That was fun...do I know my timing or do I know my timing? HAHAHA! I'M GREAT!
CRIMSONKING: No you're not. You totally suck! Everyone saw THAT coming a mile away! GET SOME NEW MATERIAL OR DIE ALREADY!
DOOMPUFF: Doom?
CRIMSONKING: You heard me you washed up cliché of a bad joke.
DOOMPUFF looks sad!
DOOMPUFF floated away!
Huh? What the?! HEY! DOOMPUFF! COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!
DOOMPUFF: What you say!!
...Umn....I said there's a whole city of extras to the east of here?
DOOMPUFF: HMMM…OK, YOU GET TO LIVE.
Setting: home
Player: IT'S BUDDY FOO'!
GM: Yes, that was horribly convenient, wasn't it?
Yes, and horribly out of character for Doompuff…
…wait a minute…CrimsonKing didn't hate Doompuff back then, that means he must have traveled through time just to insult Doompuff, thusly breaking some laws of physics or space-time or something…
CRIMSONKING: Laws of physics and Space-time suck.
Well yeah I guess….URRH?!?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!
CRIMSONKING: Just here to tell you it sucks.
You come in here and insult my home?
CRIMSONKING: Yeah, well that and your poor characterization and low battle quality of this battle.
~ Somewhere, a pair of PB webmasters look very hurt…
Kite: Did he just say we suck?
Eric: No, no… he said you suck! Now get back to work slave!
Kite: Yes, sir!
CRIMSONKING: Anyway, I've got to go. So many things to diss, so little time.
CRIMSONKING disappears!
Whew, he's gone…what was he doing here anyway? HOW'D he get here for that matter?!
Do not question the KING OF CRIMSON! Only KNOW that wherever SOMETHING sucks, wherever a bad joke is uttered, there will be…CRIMSONKING to PUT IT DOWN!
…That is just…bad…I've got to wonder about the crackheads that…
GM: Hush boy! We must not blame the webmaster for he is never wrong.
Yes, webmasters are never wrong!
...is it ME or did I just hear the distinct SOUND of 2 PEOPLE sucking up?
Ixnay on the uckingsay upay
Alright...think WE'VE had enough FLASHBACKS, now...for the BATTLE.
And who do you expect me to battle? My mom?
...or you could battle ME!
Umn....
BUDDY used HEAD BUTT!
BUDDY BUTTed his HEAD against the WALL!
It's super effective!
BUDDY fainted!
GM: He always was a little idiot. Acting even stranger than usual today though…
Ooooh, are those LEMON SQUARES!
GM: Yes, yes they are.
BATTLE was CALLED on ACCOUNT of LEMON SQUARES!
YUMMY! *munch, munch, munch*
View/Post feedback on this battle....please?
Battle 93: Hostile Defense
March 27, 2001
Writer: Eric
Player: Aqua Webmaster
BATTLE NAME is an OXYMORON!
Well, my narrator's a regular moron, don't complain.
NARRATOR GLARES!
Whatcha going to do about it bub?
NARRATOR grins evilly!
Me and my oversized mouth.
Player:
Dark Warrior
Hark! Is that the fiend?
WHAT are you talking ABOUT?
Ah, a fiend, but not the one I am after.
…NARRATOR repeats QUESTION!
Well, you see, I'm…
NARRATOR looks around!
NARRATOR has a NEW QUESTION now!
…which is?
NARRATOR would like to know WHAT you are doing in a GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM!
I was hired by the girls to help guard…them and their stuff.
HUH?
There's some rogue freak going around peeping and stealing…*turns red*…um…female undergarments…
NARRATOR doesn't think you have much chance against HAPPOSAI!
Not him, Doompuff killed him.
REALLY?
Yes.
SHAME! Though NARRATOR didn't get his PERVERTED TENDANCIES, he did like the old man's ability to spread SUFFERING and MISERY!
Well, I'm sure everybody familiar with Ranma ½ saw that coming.
Oh…so who's the NEW GUY taking up his HABITS?
Some deranged looking gangly little guy. I hear he's called Glomper or something.
The fact such an insidious creature goes about violating women's privacy is an offense I can not allow to go unpunished!
The fact that he looks a little bit like that Eric guy just cheeses me off even worse!
Did you know that that is indeed one of ERICMHE's escaped PERSONALITIES?
Hmm? …figures.
Why's that?
Well, it's spineless and gets hurt easily but doesn't die. Also there's that slightly similar appearance and the fact Eric shows no interest in women now.
WHAT makes you say that? It IS true, but NARRATOR wants to know YOUR reasoning!
Well anyone not interested in that Sabrina has got to be gay or something…
NARRATOR facefaults!
…THIS is the most CONTRIVED, IDIOTIC match-making attempt in ALL HISTORY!
ONE, you've got the creation of a poor writer who seems to SERVE NO PURPOSE, and TWO, you have a FLAT, POORLY DRAWN, EXCESSIVELY EVIL…SLIGHTLY FEMALE THING!
The EVIL-bit kept the WEBMASTER's INTEREST for a WHILE but not too long!
THIS is an INSULT to all of AQUA's READERS! …however many there are left!
Oh…so it's not an effective kiss-up anymore.
HASN'T been for MONTHS!
Oh well, anyway cruel, evil, and power-hungry are all traits I look for in a girl, what do looks matter?
Repeat FACEFAULT TAKE!
-_-''
NARRATOR thought you were some noble-brave-guy…or something…
Well, partially…but I have a dark side too.
Anyway, I imagine that creep will be here soon. Where is he?
NARRATOR checks!
Currently it is fighting its way out of some kind of GIANT METAL VENUS FLYTRAP!
Wow, those girls certainly are resourceful. When they said they were going to set traps I kind of expected basic snares and pit falls and stuff like that.
THOSE are set up TOO!
…It's surprising that the RENEGADE PERSONALITY has any HP left!
Makes my job easier.
GLOMPO appeared!
GLOMPO: Owie…hit on a few girls and what do you get?
ALL RIGHT…wait, hit on? That's all?
GLOMPO: It's all the censoring will allow me to do on screen.
*glares* All right then.
Ok you sick freak of nature! I am the instrument of your doom, the right hand of vengeance, and the last living thing you are ever going to see! I'm the Dark Warrior and I'm going to kick your ass straight back to hell in the name of justice!
GLOMPO: *blinks*
NARRATOR thinks that sounded kind of cool!
Really?
YEAH! Kind of like if SUSAN IVANOVA from BABYLON 5 was SAILOR MOON instead of the CRYBABY USAGI/SERENA PERSON!
--In OTHER WORDS, like a REALLY CRANKY, MAJORLY PMS'd SAILOR MOON!
-_-''' crud, I didn't mean for an impression like that…can I try again?
NOPE! NARRATOR rather likes this!
…
Good BLACKMAIL material! ^^
*sigh*
Anyway, shall we fight?
GLOMPO doesn't really want to!
AND WHY NOT?!?!
GLOMPO is ERICMHE's weakest personality!
O.O' Whoa…
Yeah, PATHETIC isn't it?
I'll say. So, come on man, just let me end your pathetic existence.
GLOMPO says NO!
COME ON MAN! THE WEBMASTER ONLY CREATED YOU TO DIE!! HORRIBLY AT THAT!
GLOMPO says he just doesn't want to DIE!
WHY NOT?!
GLOMPO says FANBOY is in the LAND OF THE DEAD!
…so?
GLOMPO says FANBOY used to pick on him a lot!
…-_-'' Great, Eric's personalities fight with each other?
GLOMPO: All the time man! Everybody picked on me!
Well, I'll just kill you so thoroughly you'll go straight to Black Version rather than having to be killed in Aqua's land of the dead!
GLOMPO says that deal doesn't sound so hot!
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!
GLOMPO says he'll leave IT, and HERE!
A little help here Narrator?
Sure, sure…GLOMPO wants to battle!
GLOMPO: No I don't!
Tough cookies, perv boy! You're dying NOW!
FINALLY!
Sword Slash!
DARK WARRIOR used SWORD SLASH!
Enemy GLOMPO immediately EXPLODED in a rain of GUTS, GORE, and BLOOD!
Enemy GLOMPO died!
O_O'
…that was…I think, too easy…
…well, too quick at any rate…
GIRLS look in!
GIRL1: Is he dead yet?
Look around…
Some of the GIRLS run away grossed out!
GIRL15: Ewww…could you…clean this up?
Um…well, I guess I…
REST of the GIRLS leave!
Well that's just…
FLYING MOP AND PAIL appears!
FLYING MOP AND PAIL hit DARK WARRIOR in the HEAD!
Oww…what the?
Ahh….damn it!
DARK WARRIOR begins to CLEAN up LOCKER ROOM while GRUMBLING!
Well, look on the bright side!
DARK WARRIOR wins!
…depends on your perspective…
All right, if you feel like it you can tell me what you thought of this battle.
Battle #94: Extra Reunion, or, Yes another stupid Buddy Plotline
April 6, 2001
Author: MrKite15, and EricMHE
Setting: Ruins of some Suburb
Player: Buddy
Good thing Rachael's phone number is the same.
HORRIBLY CONVINIENT isn't IT?
Convenient is my middle name...
NARRATOR thought it was Ashley!
...oh great, go telling everyone why don't you?
Buddy Ashley Cole...great, I have a full name now
GLAD to HELP!
It'll be nice to see her again... it's been years
OK, I get how you got her NUMBER, but how did you get her ADDRESS without CALLING HER yet?
...she never moved, convenience is on my side!
RACHAEL appeared!
You know, others have pointed out that...
NARRATOR has LIMITED MATERIAL!
...ok...
Umn, I thought you would look...younger?
SCI-FI GAL: What?
You've been...dead so long...
SCI-FI GAL: Well, depending on the reality, I was either wished back by the Dragonballs, won a second life in Aqua Battle -32, or simply aged while dead somehow.
The first one is the only one that even comes close to making any form of sense...
THEN it was PROBABLY one of the LATTER!
I don't need to get confused. So, I choose the Dragonballs thing. So...umn, if you were wished back to life, why didn't you come to visit me before I left for liquid?
SCI-FI GAL: ...and I'd want to visit you why?
-_-;;
SCI-FI GAL: So, what have you been up to?
Saving the world, defnding the lives of many, nearly getting myself killed...you?
SCI-FI GAL: Errm…same... 'cept I hit that death thing once...
...I thought you hit death twice?
SCI-FI GAL: Oh yeah, that's right! I got in two blows on Death!
No…I mean you died twice…to my knowledge anyway…
SCI-FI GAL: Oh...oops. Funny thing to lose track of... Guess I was just too excited about the new B5 movies?
Movies? -_-''''
You always did have messed up priorities Rachael…
B5? What's that?
SFG: You know, sci-fi? Babylon 5?
Oh, sorry, sci-fi wasn't allowed in liquid version
SFG: YOU POOR BOY! AH, THAT'S EVIL! I mean, not letting in even Babylon Five?!? A beautifully written masterpiece done with as much plot and character complexity as the best Animes?!
(Eric's note: Feel free to argue this, but I won't listen. If you get too persistent about it though I may just get in touch with some of my Sci-Fi loving Anime hating….err…semi-enemies….-_-'')
I think it had something to do with Kite going into shock after being forced to watch a marathon of original star trek episodes
SFG: Forced?
...he didn't want to change the channel
NARRATOR is getting bored...
SFG: Then go bother somebody. We're having a discussion here.
FINE! NARRATOR will bother SOMEBODY! YOU TWO!
…NARRATOR is getting ANGRY!
What's wrong?
THREE BATTLES with NO BATTLES!
The PEOPLE are GETTING BORED!
YOU will BATTLE or SO HELP ME...
SFG: So...help...you...what?
BUDDY and SCI-FI GAL were placed in ROOM with RAPIDLY CLOSING walls!
SO HELP ME IF YOU DON'T FIGHT, YOU'LL DIE, MUAHAHAHA!
Great...I see he's been working on his evil laugh since I've been gone...
SFG: That's evil! Sick, twis... You're only being flattered, aren't you?
Uh-HUH! ^^
YOU'LL BATTLE or DIE!
...I can live with that, how about you?
SCI-FI GAL nods!
YOU won't be ABLE to LIVE with it if you don't get to it!
Alright, now, go p----umn, where are my pokballs?
You LOST THEM whilst TRAVELING through the PORTAL!
Great, now I have nothing to battle with...
SFG: So. You have nothing to battle with Buddy?
I...umm...
POPCORN SHRIMP appeared!
...what are you doing here?
POPCORN SHRIMP: I thought maybe if I followed you I could finally get some screen time!
Oh...ok, GO, POPCORN SHRIMP!
BUDDY sent out POPCORN SHRIMP!
SFG: OK! Go...umm... overkill, not enough, overkill, overkill… WAY OVERKILL...Um...what's this?
Go! 60's ROBOT THINGIE!
It's...really CORNY LOOKING!
SFG: -_-' Solves that mystery.
SFG: All right...um...attack?
60's ROBOT THINGIE slowly LURCHES towards POPCORN SHRIMP!
SFG: -_-' I should have just taken my chances with the Death Star or something....
PS: I'm susposed to be afraid of this thing?
60's ROBOT: *beep* Attack comincing...preparing uber-laser of death...
PS: WTF?!
Umm...sounds painful-ish...maybe you should move or something?
PS: Oh, no duh braniac!
POPCORN SHRIMP did SOMETHING! ...which is a lot MORE than old 60's DAMSELS IN DISTRESS!
ROBOT is confused!
ROBOT UBERLASER OF DEATHED itself in its confusion!
SFG: Umm. I suppose I'll send something else out then.
Go! SHADOW...BATTLECRAB?! WHAT kind of a NAME for a SPACESHIP is THAT?!
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
SHADOW SHIP's feelings are HURT! SHADOW SHIP left to SULK!
Is that all you got? You fight like a girl...
Uh-oh, WRONG words IDIOT!
SFG: *fume* Fine then.
RACHAEL sent out RACHAEL!
RACHAEL used...um...NARRATOR has NO CLUE, but it LOOKS PAINFUL!
POPCORN SHRIMP fainted!
Eeep!
SCI-FI GAL: Hurry up and meet your maker Buddy!
Can't we talk about this?
SCI-FI GAL: Sure, right after I tear your head from your body,...
That's...not very reasonable if you ask me.
SFG: Narrator?
Oh, yeah! BUDDY sent out BUDDY!
...crap
NO! I DON'T WANT TO SEND MYSELF INTO BATLE!! CAN'T I FORFEIT?!
NOPE! NARRATOR isn't letting you off the HOOK!
SFG: My...this is the first time I've ever seen anyone claw into the dirt like that to try and keep from sending themselves out...
Ok, if I must fight, I...um...will probably faint, but here it goes!
SFG used...eh, LASER!
OWWWWWW!!
Gah! Fine!
BUDDY used...PLAY PUNCH?
…
WHAT the hell was that?
Hey, that was my best attack!
SFG: ..o.o … GOOD GOD you suck!
SFG: I think I know someone who might have a use for you though.
SFG used SEND TO WASHU!
BUDDY returned TRAUMATIZED! Badly!
I'll never think of nurses the same way again...ugh...
RACHAEL set PHASER to...PAIN?
O_O' …Eep?
I'm alergic to pain! You can't fire that!
SFG points to VERY NEAR WALLS!
Um...ok, I guess you have reason...
RACHAEL used PAIN PHASER!
AAAAAAAAAH, *cough*, you'll pay for that!
I can't let you attack again...now for my take down attack!
BUDDY used TAKE DOWN attack!...which pretty much involved a needle an 50 Ml of Morphine
SFG: Whoo….
SCI-FI GAL fainted!
…
Funny…I should have won…
>_> … <_<
Umm...Narrator...Walls...err...characters should survive?
ZZZZZZ....
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Just kidding! WALLS stopped! BUDDY wins!
That was just...NOT right making old friends fight like that...
URRH!?!? EXCUSE ME, but you two KNEW each other when you were, WHAT? EIGHT? And haven't seen EACH OTHER for …WELL, MANY YEARS!
Ah, Rachel, what have I done? *sob*
SHE's only SLEEPING, chill out NERD-BOY!
I can't believe I did this to her...I swear from now on I shall protect her...
ISN'T this SLIGHTLY CONTRIVED?! Or at least REALLY OVERLY CONVENIENT?
No, my love for Rachel comes from within!
*GA-AA-AA-AG!*...can we please get some BETTER WRITERS?!
KITE: Umm…Eric, your own Narrator is dissing us now… o_O'
ERIC: HEY! I told you already! You're the one that's the problem! Now leave me alone.
KITE: I'm done then?
ERIC: Yes, you are dismissed for now, Sub-Webmaster Person.
SHADOW SHIP stopped SULKING! …decided to go on a PLANET DEPOPULATING RAMPAGE instead!
Umm…not really IMPORTANT to PLOT! …just, KIND of WORTH mentioning! I think…
SHADOW SHIP also says to POST FEEDBACK!
Or it's adding YOUR PLANET to its LIST!
Battle 95:
Operation Domination April 15, 2001
Writer: Eric
Setting: Outside a Convenience Store
Player: Mike the Weird
WHOO-HOO! Let's bolt!
MIKE, HAUNTER, and GYARADOS leave STORE!
MIKE, and ALLIES are…CARRYING a lot of CHEESE PUFFS?
Not just a lot! Every last Cheese Puff bag in the store!
MWAHAHAHA!
NARRATOR would like to know what you're doing!
We're stealing every Cheese Puff left in the world!
…WHY?!
Obviously you have no foresight!
Controlling the world's supply of Cheese Puffs is an important part in my complex master plan to rule the world!
…OH-KAAAYYY…
DON'T YOU SEE IT MAN?! Oi…
NARRATOR asks GYARADOS and HAUNTER for CLARIFICATION!
GYARADOS says it makes no sense to it either!
HAUNTER says…it's a SECRET? …-_-'
Unless of course you can see the brilliance of my plan! Then you're allowed in on the plan so long as you don't go blurting it out.
NARRATOR passes on that!
Suit yourself.
Now, come! We must get those autographed pictures and that fishing line!
NARRATOR has a better idea!
Huh? Like what?
BATTLE!
Um…CHANG…er…THE BARBARIAN appeared!
CHANG…THE BARBARIAN wants to FIGHT!
YES! It's been way too long!
BAAAAAAATTTTTTLLLLLEEEE!!!!!!
Err…YOU ARE NOT supposed to react like THAT!
Huh? How am I supposed to react then?
Well, MOST PLAYERS react NEGATIVELY to a BATTLE!
I wonder why…it's fun, nice and violent, and it relieves stress…
…NARRATOR will have to make sure you LOSE this battle! Badly!
I'd like to see you try! Hahaha! I will…
Go OUT!
MIKE sent out MIKE!
…urrh?
NARRATOR said it was going to make things HARD on you!
Well, ok then.
EAT THIS CHANG!
CHANG used EAT THIS!
CHANG ate some of your CHEESE PUFFS!
AAAAHHHHH!! NOO!!
THOSE ARE MY CHEESE PUFFS! A VITAL KEY IN MY RULING THE WORLD!
CHANG looks at you! Oddly!
Obviously another incompetent who can not see the genius of my plan working in Cheese Puffs.
CHANG grabs MIKE! …by HIS NECK!
URK!
CHANG lifts MIKE over his head!
*GAG* Un…fair! *wheeze!* This…is….sever *GAG!* ..al…TURNS!
NARRATOR gave you FAIR WARNING!
…did not…
CHANG begins to SPIN MIKE AROUND AND AROUND!
CHANG spins MIKE FASTER!
…and FASTER!…MIKE is now a BLUR SPINNING AROUND CHANG's HEAD!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
CHANG let MIKE go!
MIKE flew through the AIR!
MIKE soars STRAIGHT THROUGH ally HAUNTER!
MIKE kept going and crashed! …into ally GYARADOS!
MIKE and GYARADOS are lying on the GROUND counting STARS!
HAUNTER looks the SITUATION over NERVOUSLY!
CHANG: Now we battle! GO VIKING HORDES!
VIKING HORDES appeared!
Ooozaaa…momma, I'za think those-a guys are gunna kick messa assa…
CHANG can't decide whether you're trying to sound like AN ITALIAN, JAR-JAR BINKS, or A MIX! …he ALSO can't decide what's WORSE!
CHANG: Ah, I'll kick your ass anyway. Vikings one through fifty, attack this bad excuse of an underused main character! Vikings Fifty one to One Hundred, proceed to BURN THE TOWN and ROUND UP LIVESTOCK!
CHANG: Remember, I want it KOSHER! Oh, and the rest of you, do whatever you feel like.
…A mob of Vikings with a Jewish leader?? WTF?
CHANG: Hey, weirder things have happened.
…um….not to my knowledge.
Enemy VIKING HORDES used SET FIRE!
Enemy VIKING HORDES SET FIRE to MIKE!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! NO INTERESTING PUNS OR WORD PLAYS AT ALL! You're losing your touch!
Um…NARRATOR thinks MIKE should be SCREAMING about the FIRE instead!
Oh yeah…maybe you're right there…
MIKE used EXTINGUISHER!
FIRES fainted!
VIKINGS pulled out SHARP THINGS!
Eek! Gyarados! Um…Hurt them first!
GYARADOS used HYPER BEAM!
Enemy VIKING HORDE fainted!
We win? WHOO-HOO!
Note: NARRATOR said VIKING HORDE fainted, and that VIKING HORDES were sent out!
Oh…so we only beat some of them?
A HORDE to be exact!
Coolness!
Wait a minute…what does a horde come out to?
Not ENOUGH! For YOU anyway!
VIKING HORDES used CLUB!
Hit 57 times!
Owie…
All right, go Charmeleon!
Go! CHARMELEON!
Time for the tried and true method…
Charmeleon, maximize!
CHARMELEON used MAXIMIZE!
CHARMELEON maximized WINDOW!
What?! …it…never backfired before…
WINDOWS has performed an ILLEGAL OPERATION and will be SHUT DOWN!
…
WINDOWS crashed! …into VIKING HORDES!
VIKING HORDES fainted!
WHOO-HOO!
CHANG: What?! Oooohhhh…I am most annoyed!
CHANG sent out MEOWTH CLONE!
Uhh…this seems familiar…
MEOWTH CLONE used JAMAICAN ACCENT!
CHARMELEON thinks this is FAMILIAR too!
Oh…Brendan's Pokémon, wasn't it? Oh no…DON'T TELL ME THIS CHARACTER IS BRENDAN REINCARNATED! AAAAAARRRRRGGGG!!!!!
Charmeleon, flamethrower on Chang NOW!
CHARMELEON used FLAMETHROWER!
It wasn't really noticed with all the FIRES the VIKINGS set though!
Huh? …bah, whatever.
Enemy MEOWTH CLONE used FURY SWIPES!
CHARMELEON FAINTED!
Remaining VIKING HORDE used CATAPULT!
GYARADOS fainted!
Haunter! Go do something about them!
HAUNTER used DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM!
VIKINGS are now SLEEPING WITH FISH!
VIKINGS fainted!
Excuse me? Fainted?
All right, all right, DIED! Happier?
Yes. Thank you.
CHANG withdrew MEOWTH CLONE!
CHANG sent out VACUUM CLEANER!
Urrh?
VACUUM CLEANER begins to CHASE ally HAUNTER!
ACK!
HAUNTER and VACUUM CLEANER disappear over the HORIZON!
CHANG sent MEOWTH CLONE back OUT!
Fine then. Get 'em Deathkarp!
Go! DEATHKARP!
It's kinda goofy lookin'!
DEATHKARP used DEATH!
Another BAD JOKE died!
So, you're running out of material, aren't ya?
…
DEATHKARP fainted for no REASON!
NARRATOR looks at MIKE, MENACINGLY!
Um…Eep!
SAVE THE CHEESE PUFFS! RUN!!!
MIKE ran away!
CHANG wins!
CHANG: BOO-YAH!
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