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.:Latest Battle:.

Battle #3: When the Shark Bites
Setting: Celery South Seas
Player: Jonny Fairplay (0/0/0)
Date: April 23rd, 2004

CAPTAIN: Get on the plank, ye scurvy dog!
Wait! Why?! I demand to know why I'm being killed!
CAPTAIN: Ye lied, and claimed to be a pirate to get in our crew!
Hey, I am a pirate.
CAPTAIN: Ye have absolutely no pirate skills!
Well, Survivor: Pearl Islands was pirate-themed...
CAPTAIN: Get on ye plank, lubber!
But you still haven't told me why I'm being punished!
CAPTAIN: Ye tried to steal our dubloons and make off with one of our lifeboats!
Oh yeah, that... that was just a total misunderstanding. Swear on my dead grandmother.
CAPTAIN: Oh, I watched the show! Ye grandmother be not dead! Liar!
I wouldn't lie! I'm Jonny Fairplay and I always play fair.
CAPTAIN: I don't believe that! Now onto the plank with ye!
Listen, Captain...
CAPTAIN: Just call me Starbucks!
Starbucks?
CAPTAIN: Aye, Captain Starbucks, fiercest pirate of the nine seas of Celery Version and brewer of the finest espressos these great waters have ever seen! Would ye like a double frappe?
No thanks, I... wait, Celery Version? What's that?
CAPTAIN: Hey, do ye be from Earth?
Why, yes, am I not on Earth anymore?
CAPTAIN: No, ye be in Celery Version, one of the many worlds of only text and pain!
How weird. How did that happen? First, after Survivor, I was marooned on the Pearl Islands for real... now how did I get marooned?

Setting: Panama, Earth, many days earlier...

RUPERT: You suck, Jon!
RUPERT used PUNCH!
Arrrgh! Owww!
SANDRA: You're a total jerk, Jon! You tried to weasel me out a million dollars!
SANDRA used PUNCH whilst holding a HUGE WAD of CASH!
ARRRGH! My kidneys AND my greed!
LIL: This is for making me look bad in front of my troop!
LIL used STAB!
LIL stabbed JONNY FAIRPLAY with a SCOUTING KNIFE!
AGGGGGHHHH! Right in the boy scouts!
OTHER SURVIVORS gangbeat JON!
OTHER SURVIVORS left the island!
JEFF PROBST appeared!
Ohh... God... Jeff... please help me... get the medics... call an ambulance or something...
JEFF: After that Grandmother prank? Not a chance!
JEFF kicked JON in the face!
JON blacked out!

Setting: Celery South Seas, present day

Oh yeah... so then I saw a pirate ship... thought it was part of the game... maybe some big joke...
CAPTAIN: We be getting sick of your flashbackin, lubber!
CAPTAIN shoved JON onto the PLANK!
Wait, wait! Uhh... this old tradition of having your enemies walk the plank is so cliche! Don't you think you should make a new tradition? Break the mold? You know... do something... else?
CAPTAIN: Well... ye plank bit is getting a bit old.
How about, from now on instead of making people you don't like walk the plank, you overfeed them to death with a huge buffet?
CAPTAIN: Arr, that sounds pretty good... but you know, we like ye sharks even less then we like you! So we're going to overfeed ye sharks to death, and you're the buffet!
What?! That won't work! I'm far too scrawny to overfeed a shark to death!
CAPTAIN: That be a risk we be willing to take!
CAPTAIN used POKE!
CAPTAIN POKED JON with his SWORD!
Yoww!!
JON fell off the SHIP!
PIRATES used HEARTY LAUGHTER!
PIRATE SHIP ran away!
Well, isn't this great. Now I'm wading in rough seas, sure to drown once I run out of energy to wade with... this couldn't possibly get any worse.
Wild GAMESHARK appeared!
I just had to say that, didn't I?
Wild GAMESHARK swam towards you!
Oh crap! Alright, alright, I've got to have SOMETHING to fight it with! Think, Jonny, think!
Wild GAMESHARK wants to fight!
Wild GAMESHARK used CHOMP!
ARRRGHHH! SO... MUCH... PAIN!!! Pain... feels similar... wait, that's it! I still have Lil's scouting knife from when she stabbed me in the mommy daddy place! Go, Knife!
JON sent out KNIFE!
Knife, use your Slice attack!
KNIFE used SLICE!
Crap, didn't do much damage...
GAMESHARK used NUDE CODE!
Hey... why are all my clothes flesh coloured now? No matter. Knife, use your Stick attack!
KNIFE used STICK!
KNIFE stuck it to THE MAN!
THE MAN fainted!
That... was terrible...
GAMESHARK used IDCHOPPER!
GAMESHARK has a CHAINSAW!
That is the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life.
GAMESHARK grinned maliciously!
...except that. Knife! Use your--
GAMESHARK ripped KNIFE to pieces!
KNIFE bled everywhere!
KNIFE died!
Wait... that's not possible...
SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP!
Where's that booming voice coming from?
FORGET it! Just get ON with the BATTLE!
Right, right. Hey... it was my turn! That's cheating!
GAMESHARK says that's what it does best!
That's despicable! Cheating is bad!
GAMESHARK sees that you are a cheater as well!
Hey, I'm not a cheater! I'm Jonny Fairplay and I always play fair!
GAMESHARK thinks that you're lying!
You must be pretty smart. Everyone on Survivor fell for that line.
Somewhere far away, JEFF PROBST used HEARTY LAUGHTER!
I'll tell you what, why don't we form an alliance? If we combine your exceptional cheating ability with my lying, cheating, and conniving cleverness, we could cheat this world to it's knees!
GAMESHARK likes the sound of that!
GAMESHARK joined your team!
Yes! Now this world of... what was it again?
CELERY VERSION!
Yeah, that's it. Now this world of Celery Version will know the power of Jonny Fair--- bllllp! BLAGHH!
JON ran out of ENERGY!
JON started to drown!
BLAAGHHHPLLPLP!!
GAMESHARK used SURF!
JON used COUGH!
JON used SPUTTER!
...thanks.


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