ANNOUNCER:
Wow! This is amazing! We have a student in the championship! The final
battle will be between BILLYBOB and the English teacher, MRS. BLONDIE!
This
should be real easy!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Ha! Using incorrect grammar already! I'll beat you!
The
day you beat me is the day that Sir_Chargon wins the Nobel Peace Prize.
MRS.
BLONDIE: Grr! Go, THESAURUS!
MRS.
BLONDIE sent out THESAURUS!
Go
SCISSORS!
BILLYBOB
sent out SCISSORS!
This
is going to be even easier than I thought! Use SHRED!
SCISSORS
used-
THESAURUS:
WAIT!
THESAURUS
used SYNONYM POWER!
THESAURUS:
Ahem, Shred. Synonyms: Cut, Slit, Chop, Slice, Carve, or Separate Into
Smaller Parts.
Okay...um,
whatever the hell that was, use SHRED now!
SCISSORS
used SHRED!
THESAURUS:
Shall I repeat myself?
NO!
THESAURUS
was SHREDDED!
THESAURUS
fainted!
Hah
HAH! And there's lots more where that came from!
MRS.
BLONDIE: You don't start a sentence with AND!
Don't
blame me! I don't write this stuff!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Go take a hike!
MRS.
BLONDIE sent out TAKE A HIKE?
What
in...
MRS.
BLONDIE: Um...
TAKE
A HIKE used HIKE!
TAKE
A HIKE: Blue-Forty-Two! Blue-Forty-Two! Hut Hut Hike!
FOOTBALL
is headed toward SCISSORS!
Hmm...
Scissors beats paper, paper beats rock, rock beats scissors...
FOOTBALL
was renamed FOOTROCK!
Footrock?
Critical
hit!
SCISSORS
fainted!
Dammit...
Go, STICKYNOTE X!
BILLYBOB
sent out STICKYNOTE X!
MRS.
BLONDIE: STICKYNOTE X? You're dead meat...err, dead paper. TAKE A HIKE,
use HIKE! (Hey, it worked before!)
TAKE
A HIKE used HIKE!
TAKE
A HIKE used HIKE to HIKE up a MOUNTAIN and FALL off of a nearby CLIFF!
MRS.
BLONDIE: OH NO! That didn't happen last time!
TAKE
A HIKE died on IMPACT!
TAKE
A HIKE fainted!
Hah!
MRS.
BLONDIE sent out DICTIONARY!
MRS.
BLONDIE: I WILL NEVER FAIL! Use FLIP!
DICTIONARY
used FLIP!
DICTIONARY
FLIPPED to PAGE 1268!
DICTIONARY
used ULTRACENTRIFUGE!
HIGH
SPEED CENTRIFUGE charges toward STICKYNOTE X!
DICTIONARY
DETERMINED the SIZES and MOLECULAR WEIGHTS of STICKYNOTE X'S MOLECULES!
No
effect!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Ack! A useless attack!
Now!
Attack, STICKYNOTE X!
STICKYNOTE
X used STICK!
STICKYNOTE
X is STUCK to PAGE 1268!
Jeez.
You could have at least done an attack that does damage!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Use FLIP again!
DICTIONARY
FLIPPED to PAGE 1268!
DICTIONARY
used ULTRACENTRIFUGE!
HIGH
SPEED CENTRIFUGE charges toward STICKYNOTE X!
DICTIONARY
DETERMINED the SIZES and MOLECULAR WEIGHTS of STICKYNOTE X'S MOLECULES!
No
effect!
Again?
MRS.
BLONDIE: A coincidence, I assume. FLIP AGAIN!
DICTIONARY
FLIPPED to PAGE 1268! AGAIN!
DICTIONARY
used ULTRACENTRIFUGE! AGAIN!
HIGH
SPEED CENTRIFUGE charges toward STICKYNOTE X!
DICTIONARY
DETERMINED the SIZES and MOLECULAR WEIGHTS of STICKYNOTE X'S MOLECULES!
No
effect!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Oh! Get that STICKYNOTE X off you so you can do a different attack!
Oh,
I get it! STICKYNOTE X is causing DICTIONARY to do the same attack over
and over! Every time it uses FLIP it turns to the page STICKYNOTE X is
on! We're gonna have some fun! Mwahaha!
Use
STICK on page 541!
STICKYNOTE
X used STICK on PAGE 541!
DICTIONARY
used FLIP!
DICTIONARY
FLIPPED to PAGE 541!
DICTIONARY
used HIKE!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Yes! Football time! Gee, you're dumb!
Maybe
not...
DICTIONARY
is about to use HIKE!
A
sacrifice, but a valiant one! Alas, STICKYNOTE X was a good Pokémon...
But I'll still win...
MRS.
BLONDIE: ???
What's
this?
ORIGAMI
STEVE appeared!
Origami
Steve?
MRS.
BLONDIE: Origami Steve?
Yeah,
that's what I said! Listen up!
ORIGAMI
STEVE whispers to STICKYNOTE X!
ORIGAMI
STEVE used VANISH!
*Ka-poof-SPLOOGE*
MRS.
BLONDIE: Ka-poof-splooge? What kind of grammar is that?!
Yeah,
Ka-poof-SPLOOGE! And I almost forgot! DICTIONARY used HIKE!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Whee!
DICTIONARY
used HIKE to HIKE up a MOUNTAIN and FALL off a nearby CLIFF!
MRS.
BLONDIE: UH OH! I forgot about that!
I
can't watch...
What?!
STICKYNOTE X used QUICK ORIGAMI!
STICKYNOTE
X FOLDED into a SWAN and FLEW back to BILLYBOB!
Thank
you ORIGAMI STEVE!!
DICTIONARY
died on IMPACT!
DICTIONARY
fainted!
MRS.
BLONDIE: WHAT?!
STICKYNOTE
X gets 300,000,000 EXP POINTS!
BILLYBOB
wins!
Now
for the prize ceremony!
~The
next day!~
ANNOUNCER:
Wow! What a great tournament! In third place we have CONDUCTOR!
*CHEERS*
CONDUCTOR
wins a big mac!
CONDUCTOR:
Mark McGwire?!
ANNOUNCER:
Well, actually, it's a hamburger.
CONDUCTOR:
Oh...
ANNOUNCER:
In second place, MRS. BLONDIE!
ANNOUNCER:
She wins a $42 gift certificate to SPORTS AUTHORITY!
*CHEERS*
MRS.
BLONDIE: Hmmm....
MRS.
BLONDIE ran away to SPORTS AUTHORITY!
ANNOUNCER:
And now, the winner...
ANNOUNCER:
BILLYBOB!
ANNOUNCER:
He wins a Jet Black GameCube, two controllers, and Super Smash Bros. Melee!
*CHEERS*
Cool!
MRS.
BLONDIE appeared!
MRS.
BLONDIE used BASEBALL BAT from SPORTS AUTHORITY!
MRS.
BLONDIE DESTROYED GAMECUBE, CONTROLLERS, and SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MRS.
BLONDIE used OVERHEAD SMASH!
ANNOUNCER
had a CONCUSSION!
ANNOUNCER
fainted!
MRS.
BLONDIE: Sweet, sweet revenge!
MRS.
BLONDIE ran!
WHY?!
WHY ME?! *sob*
PRINCIPAL
appeared!
PRINCIPAL:
I came when I heard you had won the tournament, but when I got here, MRS.
BLONDIE had already destroyed your stuff with a BASEBALL BAT!
PRINCIPAL:
I'm terribly sorry, BILLYBOB! Maybe this will make up for it!
A
master ball?
PRINCIPAL:
No...
A
diploma?
PRINCIPAL:
No...
Then
what?
PRINCIPAL:
Something even better! A year's supply of free deodorant compliments of
DEODORANT CITY! Where YOU buy your lemony fresh body care products!
Thanks...
I guess...
BILLYBOB
received DEODORANT CARD!
THE
END!
Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #81: The Final Battle
Recap: The
Muffin Man and Billy Bob have an encounter at Deodorant City!
Battle
#82: Deodorant Encounter January 13,
2002
Setting:
Emerald Version's local Deodorant City
Player:
The Muffin Man
Ahhhhh....
The fresh smell of my personal favorite, muffin scented deodorant!
I
can't wait to buy it!
MUFFIN
MAN used DASH!
MUFFIN
MAN DASHed to COUNTER!
SALESMAN:
That'll be twelve ¥! And have a Deodorant-Doo-Da-Day™!
You
got it!
Huh?
No cash! I'll be right back.
MUFFIN
MAN DASHed back to SHELF!
I
forgot that I didn't get a pay check this week because that BURGLAR stole
the LOOT in battle #76!
...Hm,
I'll think of something...
MUFFIN
MAN used THINK!
...That'll
be the day.
Eh?
You
heard nothing.
Player: Billy Bob
MOM:
BILLYBOB! I'm so proud of you for winning the tournament!
I
wanted GAMECUBE! My stupid PRINCIPAL gave me a DEODORANT CARD instead!
MOM:
Oh, it's okay honey. This is more fun than any GAMECUBE anyway.
...
...
MOM:
What?
...Nothing.
MOM:
Let's go look at AISLE A!
MOM:
Wow! You'll really like these! How about Apple? Asphalt? Armadillo?
Uh,
Mom...
MOM:
How about Andre-scented deodorant?
...
...
ANDRE:
HEY!
MOM:
...Sorry, oh great master!
ANDRE:
Grovel you mortal kthx.
MOM
used GROVEL!
ANDRE
ran away!
*sigh*
MOM:
Let's try another AISLE.
MUFFIN
MAN appeared!
MUFFIN
MAN: Hi! I have a deal for you! I'll let you have my GAMECUBE in return
for your DEODORANT CARD!
Sure!!
MUFFIN
MAN: I'll be right back! To the MUFFINMOBILE!
MUFFIN
MAN ran away!
MOM:
Hey honey, how about these? Bamboo, barley, belch, even Bahia grass! Straight
from Brazil!
Ehhh...
MUFFIN
MAN appeared!
MUFFIN
MAN: Back!
Great!
MUFFIN
MAN: Fork over the gift card!
Here
you go...
BILLYBOB
traded DEODORANT CARD for MUFFIN MAN'S GAMECUBE!
Bye
bye DEODORANT CARD!
Take
good care of GAMECUBE!
I
certainly will...
BILLYBOB
received BACKGAMMON GAME!
...
MOM:
What scent should I check for now?
BACKGAMMON?!?
MOM:
...Backgammon? I'll see if I can find that.
MUFFIN
MAN: See? It is a game that comes in a cube. Or a box. Same thing, really.
Bye!
MUFFIN
MAN ran!
BILLYBOB
ran after MUFFIN MAN!
MOM:
Sorry, couldn't find backgammon scented...
MOM:
BILLYBOB?
BILLYBOB
used THROW!
BACKGAMMON
GAME hit MUFFIN MAN!
Critical
hit!
MUFFIN
MAN fainted!
BILLYBOB
received KEYS to MUFFINMOBILE!
Hmm...
Heheheheh >:)
Who
cares about the stupid DEODORANT CARD!
Time
to go for a spin!
BILLYBOB
hopped in MUFFINMOBILE!
MOM
caught up with BILLYBOB!
MOM:
YOU CAN'T DRIVE!
...Oh
yeah.
BILLYBOB
ran into PASSING PEDESTRIAN!
PASSING
PEDESTRIAN was identified as GEORGE W. BUSH!
GEORGE
W. BUSH died!
WORLD
is a better PLACE!
BILLYBOB
ran into another PEDESTRIAN!
PEDESTRIAN
was identified as THE INCREDIBLE HULK!
HULK
used SMASH!
MUFFINMOBILE
was SMASHed away!
Aiiiiiiiiieeeee!
MUFFINMOBILE
landed next to USED CAR PARTS CENTER!
I'm
in luck! The parts are worth just enough to buy a GAMECUBE!
BILLYBOB
used SELL!
BILLYBOB
SELLed CAR PARTS!
...Selled?
MRS.
BLONDIE appeared!
...To
be continued...
Click here to post comments on Emerald Version Battle #82: Deodorant Encounter
Recap: Uh..
just read it o_O;
Battle
#83: Attack Of The Killer Pizza Man January
20, 2002
Setting:
Redmond, Wash.
Player:
Bill Gates
Today
was a great day of work, guys!
We
actually sold an XBOX!
WORKER:
Who would be stupid enough to buy an XBOX?
George
W. Bush.
WORKER:
Oh.
DUBYA
appeared!
DUBYA:
This is yore prezdent.
We
don't need you here!
DUBYA:
Uh, wut shood I doo now then?
Just...
go choke on a pretzel.
DUBYA:
Duh, kay.
DUBYA
disappeared!
Um,
why did that happen?
Because
NARRATOR has the ATTENTION SPAN of... ooh, a SPARKLY THING!
...Right
then. Anyway, we sold an XBOX and we deserve a party!
WORKERS:
YEAH!
I'll
call the pizza guy with my Microsoft TelePhone.
BILL
GATES used CALL!
PIZZA
DELIVERY GUY: Hey BILL GATES! I saw a FURRET on ROUTE 28! It looked hungry,
so I gave it some pizza! Well, bye! *Click*
...
Ack,
I'll call again.
BILL
GATES used CALL!
PIZZA
DELIVERY GUY: Hey BILL GATES! I saw a VULPIX on ROUTE 10! It looked hungry,
so I gave it some pizza! Well, bye! *Click*
...Can
I call and-
BILL
GATES used CALL!
PIZZA
DELIVERY GUY: Hey BILL GATES! I saw a BIGGLYMUFF on ROUTE 42! It looked
hungry, so I ran for my life! Well, bye! *Click*
Can
I order a pizza?!
Oh!
Okay!
BILL
GATES used CALL!
PIZZA
DELIVERY GUY: Hello?
Hi,
I'd like a large cheese pizza.
PDG:
Okay dude!
Five minutes later
PDG:
Dude, I got all the way to your office building from Seattle in five minutes
Great,
give me the pizza.
BILL
GATES received PIZZA!
Okay,
everyone around the Microsoft SmartTable!
BILL
GATES used OPEN on PIZZA!
WORKER:
What the *#$% is that smell?
That
dirtbag put a stink bomb in the pizza!
Go,
WORKERS!
BILL
GATES sent out WORKERS!
WORKERS
used SURROUND!
PDG:
I'm surrounded!
PDG:
Go, PIZZA BOX!
PDG
sent out PIZZA BOX!
WORKERS
used RECYCLE on PIZZA BOX!
PIZZA
BOX fainted!
PDG:
You forgot about one thing!
PDG:
The STINK BOMB was in the PIZZA BOX!
STINK
BOMB used EXPLOSION!
STINK
BOMB fainted!
WORKERS:
Mr. Gates! Help! We can't stand the stench!
WORKERS
fainted!
My
workers!!
ASTHMA
MAN appeared!
ASTHMA
MAN: Cough! Wheeze! Hack! Cough!
ASTHMA
MAN fainted!
Sad...
Go,
XBOX!
BILL
GATES sent out XBOX!
XBOX
is so HEAVY that it fell through PDG, BILL GATES, and FLOOR!
XBOX
fainted!
PDG
fainted!
FLOOR
fainted!
BILL
GATES fainted!
DUBYA
wins!
DUBYA
used ACCEPTANCE SPEECH!
DUBYA:
This is yore prezdent speeking. I wood like too thank...
SPEECH
is annoying!
DUBYA
fainted!
Battle
ended in a draw!
Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #83: Attack Of The Killer Pizza Man.
Recap: Many
things occur in this battle, leading to the new Emerald Version Trinity
later this month! Who is the person called '???,' and why did this person
want Henchcow to have Narrational powers? What is going on? Ideas
by Compmaster.
Battle
#84: A Step Ahead February 2, 2002
Setting:
Pebble Tunnel
Player:
Dash Kvetchum
Argh...
I've been waiting outside Pebble Tunnel for months! I've had enough of
this!
DASH
sent out DR. E!
Dr.
E... I trained you so much in these months. You now have enough power for
the next level of teleportation!
DR.
E nods!
DR.
E used TELEPORT!
*bzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaap*
DASH
and DR. E appeared in PEBBLE TUNNEL!
Wow...
we couldn't fit inside, but it's pretty easy to move around once we're
in!
Where's
Bulblight?
DASH
finds a SIGN!
SIGN:
TRAINER MISSING! BULBLIGHT, ELECTRIC POKéMON. IF YOU ARE ITS TRAINER,
COME TO PEBBLE TUNNEL HOSPITAL.
Ah!
A sign looking for me!
I'll
go to the hospital.
DASH
went to HOSPITAL!
Hello...I
hear you have a Bulblight here?
NURSE:
Yes... Here you are!
DASH
got BULBLIGHT back!
Now
I need to find the eight pieces of Khan...
Setting:
Henchcow's Private Jet
Player:
Henchcow
Hmm...
that other idea sighting was a false alarm. But this one seems legit!
An
idea was sighted in the PEBBLE TUNNEL HOSPITAL.
JET
sets down near PEBBLE TUNNEL!
HENCHCOW
jumps out of JET!
HENCHCOW
runs into PEBBLE TUNNEL HOSPITAL!
Ahem...
Has anyone here seen my idea? It's a little lightbulb, it kind of hovers
near your head...
NURSE:
A TALKING COW?!
NURSE
fainted!
DASH:
...
DASH
sent out BULBLIGHT!
My
idea!
DASH:
My Bulblight is your lost idea?
I've
searched for it since battle #22... I became the Narrator slightly later
on but the UPB Webmaster made me normal again... In tournament #3 I thought
perhaps I could become Doom Narrator again, but that wretched Ebert switched
my Evil Stone with a Milk Stone, and I was turned into a cow! Everyone
knows the Evil Stone doesn't work on cows, so I forgot all about the Evil
Stone and misplaced it...
Yes!
Can I please have my idea back?
DASH
sent BULBLIGHT to HENCHCOW!
DASH
waves goodbye to BULBLIGHT!
Take
good care of BULBLIGHT!
Yeah,
whatever. Now... I have an idea... an idea... MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Wait...this
is an EVIL ST-
What?
HENCHCOW is evolving!
HENCHCOW
evolved into ULTRA COW!
DASH:
What? That wasn't an idea, or BULBLIGHT! It was an EVIL STONE! Those are
extremely rare and are said to grant Narrational powers!
DASH:
I don't know if they work the same way on cows, though...
DASH:
Who would make an EVIL STONE disguised as a BULBLIGHT?
Setting:
???
Player:
???
~~
Ahahahahaha...
Phase one of my plan is now complete! Henchman has become the Doom Narrator
again and now has sufficient power to channel Narration... My disguised
Evil Stone was ingenious! Who would have guessed that Bulblight looked
exactly like Henchman's forever lost idea...
...
But
wait? What's this? Henchcow? Not Henchman? OH NO! The Evil Stone
doesn't work on that sort of creature...
NO!
My plan has failed! The Doom Narrator is naught but an evil cattle! No
Narration, no supernatural powers...
This
may be catastrophic to my plans! The Evil Stone was supposed to make Henchcow
a NARRATOR! NOT AN ULTRA COW!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
MY
PLAAAAAAAANS....
...
NEED...
SANITY...
~~
Post comments on Emerald Version Battle #84: A Step Ahead
Recap: In
this battle, Ultra Cow loots the streets, and Dash acheives a goal. What
is the mysterious maroon text? What are its plans?
Battle
#85: Unexpected Developments (A.K.A Filler Battle) February
10, 2002
Setting:
Streets of Emerald Version City
Player:
???
~~
My
creation runs rampant across the streets of the Capital City. Perhaps it
is not useless after all... If Ultra Cow neutralizes the version's defense
forces, a useful opportunity may arise.
...
I
still search for the one that is capable enough to take my place whilst
my plans are being executed...
...
~~
Player:
Ultra Cow
Note:
This segment of the battle is a plot device and is not intended to be entertaining
or funny. Read the next segment for entertainment.
Mwahahaha...
Feeling evil...
ULTRA
COW used THIEF!
MUFFIN
MAN: Get back here with my muffins, cow!
Hahahaha!
Attack
continues!
SHOPOWNER:
Hey! Come back here! That's an expensive vase!
Ha
ha ha ha ha HA!
Attack
continues!
ASTHMA
MAN: Cough! Gimme back my inhaler! Wheeze! Hack! Cough!
ASTHMA
MAN fainted!
Ahahahahahahahahahaha
HA HA HA HA!
Attack
continues!
BUTCHER:
Gimme back my meat!
Ha
ha ha HA!
ULTRA
COW ran away!
Ah,
the Cow Cave.
I'll
now enjoy my stolen goods! HA HA HA HA!
ULTRA
COW ate MUFFINs, broke VASE, INHALEd INHALER, and ate MEAT!
MEAT
contained MAD COW DISEASE!
Urgh!
ULTRA
COW was infected with MAD COW DISEASE!
To
be continued...
Player:
Dash Kvetchum
Note:
THIS is the entertaining part. :)
DASH
used RUMMAGE!
The
eight pieces of Khan have to be here somewhere...
DASH
found SACK!
SACK
contained PIECES of KHAN!
Aha!
That was easy!
Wild
GHOST appeared!
GHOST
could not be identified!
GHOST:
Gooo hang a salami... I'm a lasagna hog... Hahahahah!
Aaaaah!
DASH
dropped SACK and ran away!
A few hours later, at Dash Kvetchum's house in Mallet Town...
Whew,
I've gotten as far away as I can from that ghost! That was pretty scary.
DASH
turned on the TV!
TV:
Buy a MALLET TOWN MALLET! The highest quality MALLETs in PLANTO! Here's
what our satisfied customers have to say about MALLET TOWN MALLETs:
TV:
RANDOM ANIME CHARACTER- I love my MALLET!
Yawn...
TV:
Now, back to our show!
TV
used TV SHOW!
It's
super effective!
TV
used COMMERCIAL!
TV:
Now, a word from our sponsors.
TV:
Have you seen a GHOST? Well, come to Horatio's Haunt House! We can identify
all types of spectres. Visit us today, at SALAMANDER TOWN!
Wow!
Maybe I should visit that!
TV:
Communist Cereal! We eat what they WANT us to eat.
TV:
Silly STALIN, Communist Cereal is for-
DASH
turned off the TV!
I'm
going to go visit Salamander Town now. Bye Mom!
DASH
got on BICYCLE!
DASH
rode away!
MOM:
Bye Dash!