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Battle 26: I know Poké Battles like the Palm of my hand
Date: October 14th, 2001 (NO DATE JOKE! REJOICE!)
Author: Toby. Like anyone else could have written this, pssh.

TOBY is A SHEEP!
Er...ASLEEP!

Setting: Toby's Dream
Dream-Setting: Coffee World

Wow! An entire world made of coffee!
COFFEE-PERSON stops to say HELLO!
Hello Mister Coffee Person!
TOBY eats COFFEE-PERSON's HEAD!
COFFEE-PERSON: Mhmf! Mhmf mhmf mhm!
Now, now, don't talk when your mouth's full. Or rather, when my mouth is full.
TOBY roams the STREETS of CAFFEINE-TOWN!
Wow! Everything's coffee! Even the concrete roads are concrete coffee!
TOBY will need some CONCRETE EVIDENCE before he can VALIDATE that!
...You really couldn't tell I wrote this one, could you?
COFFEE SHOP appeared!
Wow, coffee! Half price!
Homer...Homer...
Uh, my name is Toby, Duo.
Oh, right. Ahem. Toby...Toby...
Wow, that sounds like someone trying to contact me from the waking world, but I'll just pretend it's that coffee dog talking.
Toby...Toby...
DUO played the COKEFLUTE!
Ah, everything's going fuzzy...
TOBY woke up!
...and we're awake.
Toby! Come quick! Kite's sick!
...You woke me up to tell me THAT?
I think it's serious!
Yea, seriously unimportant.
Oh, just come on! I'll make you some coffee afterwards...
Sure, it's not like I just can't make my own at any time...
...Okay, I'll put DBZ on the TV and hide the remote.
...Touché. Let's go.

Setting: Kite's Bedside

Whoa, you were right to call me. His cloth has gone from Rejuvenated Red to Bed-Bound Blue!
What happens when it's yellow?
You don't want to know.
And look at his balsa wood frame!
You're right! It's so brittle! Feels like it could snap at any-
BALSA WOOD used SNAP!
Oh dear.
Er...we'll say he greatly fell out of bed.
What happens when he figures out the truth?
I'll say I've been, ahem, framed.
...You know, people get enough of this on IRC.
...Oh no! I've just had a thought!
Damn, now I owe Kite a fiver.
With Kite under the weather, who will continue the plot in this week's battle?
That's right! Kite was supposed to create more characters!
Well...I guess I'll have to do it.
YOU? Create a CHARACTER? The last character you created was you with all the good bits taken out!
Yea, well the last character you created was a chef.
Is there something wrong with that??
Is there something RIGHT with that? Come on, it's our only choice.
Sigh, very well.
Right, let's get to the computer then.

Setting: In Front of the Coffee Machine

...Dude, this is a coffee machine, not a computer.
That's where you're wrong! It's both!
COFFEE MACHINE opens to reveal MAC!
...I thought you said it was a computer..
Er, sorry, must be an old model.
COFFEE MACHINE was released into the wild! Bye COFFEE MACHINE!
COFFEE MACHINE appeared!
Ah, good.
Okay, now let's load up Character Creator 2.0.
Error: File Not Found.
Huh?!
Er...I think I may have deleted that to make room for illegal DBZ episodes...
CLICK was heard!
What was that?
...That was Jason exiting this browser window. You had to mention illegal stuff, didn't you?
Oops...
Okay, we'll have to do this the old fashioned way.
Right. Er...what is that, exactly?
This.
CHARACTER was CREATED!
...Oh, duh.
Now, I propose we make this character a secret agent who is fighting various people who enjoy a bit of world domination, and who also has the ability to captivate any female, providing they're alive.
That sounds familiar. Well, it worked for Moonlight...
It worked for Ian Flemming.
He wasn't writing a parody on a popular video game.
His loss.
Fine, whatever. What shall we call him?
Well, those personality traits are being fed into him now, I guess he can choose his own name...
CHARACTER awakens!
CHARACTER was assigned AQUA TEXT!
Aha, good morning gentlemen. My name is Frond. Palm Frond.
What the hell kind of name is THAT?
You can hardly talk, your name means 'two things in close association'.
Ah...if it's not too much trouble, I should be going - W tells me Dr. Perhaps is on the loose again.
Oh, by all means. But stay and have some coffee first, please.
Ah, thank you very much.
How would you like it?
Bacon, not urrhed.
...I was thinking more along the lines of one sugar or two, but okay...
KITE appeared!
Kite! You're up!
...Which one of you bastards snapped my top-right quadrant?
Er...it was Toby!
Well, what've you got to say for yourself?
...I'VE BEEN FRAMED!
...Readers get enough of this on IRC, you know. Hell, the whole WORLD gets enough of it.
The World Is Not Enough.
Who the hell are you?
Frond. Palm Frond.
...

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Battle 27: The Man with the Golden Pun
Date: October 22nd, 2001
Author: Kite and Toby
Setting: Alec Andrevan's Lair
Player: Palm Frond


 Let's see here, I have ten minutes to take out the henchmen, defeat the villain and save the world...wonder if I have time for tea? Nah, best to be early...
NARRATOR wants to know why YOU'RE talking to YOURSELF!
Why, to set up plot my good man.
SECURITY CAMERAS whirl to POINT in FROND's DIRECTION!
Curses! Better take them out with my trusty PTA!
FROND sent out PTA!
NARRATOR wants to know what JAMES B...
*thwap*
Urrh, Palm Frond has to do with the PTA...
...It's like his gun, you dolt! PPK, PTA, get it?
...That's so stretched I think it pulled a muscle.
I thought we were supposed to wait till later to come into this battle...
 o_O;
STORM WEBMASTERS run away!
So, can I PLEASE take out the cameras now before the slack and lazy guard finally decides to turn his head back to the security cameras?
PTA used STRIKE!
TEACHERS went on STRIKE!
CAMERA was STRUCK!
...I thought it was supposed to be a gun...
Whatever works.
TEACHER's leave to go on STRIKE!
PTA devolves into PA!
PA: This is a public announcment! Palm Frond is located on Level Five!
GAH! Treacherous PA!
ODDJOB appeared!
I'm sure this battle will be short...
ODDJOB: Is that some kind of joke?
It's at the height of hilarity, Mr Job.
ODDJOB: ...Damnit, Oddjob is my full name!
Your name is Oddjob? Wow, your parents must have really hated you...
ODDJOB: I'm in counseling about that...sniffle
I still can't get over the fact that your dad's name was Strangeunemployed...
ODDJOB: He used to be Vanilla Ice...
Oh, strange and unemployed, I see.
ODDJOB wants to fight!
BATTLE MUSIC starts up!
AUDIENCE is ON EDGE!
On edge? Looks like the level of excitement has really, ahem, plateaued!
You're not on yet, stupid.
ODDJOB sent out HAT!
...you're going to fight me with a hat...that's so sad...
ODDJOB: Hey, if my hat beats you three times, it'll be a hat trick.
...I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU-...oh, it was the short guy.
FROND sent out CAR!
ODDJOB: ...You brought along your car?
Yea, you know, in case I have to leaf quickly.
CAR drives over HAT!
ODDJOB: I swear, if I lose this battle, I'm going to eat my hat.
HAT: Ewww!
HAT used BOWLER!
BOWLING PIN falls on CAR!
What, that it?
ODDJOB: Wait for it...
9 PINS and a BOWLING BALL smash through the WINDOWS!
Strike!
...I thought my teachers already left...
ODDJOB: I guess I picked up the SPARE huh? Get it? Spare? Tire?
I'm getting wheely wheely tired of these puns...
That sounds like my cue!
DADDY!
O_O;;;;;;;;
Daddy doesn't love us sniffle
What are you talking about?
We got back the tests, you're our father!
Ooooh, no. There's a mistake here! Who are your parents?
Pussy Galore.
Octopussy.
Honey Rider.
...Who?
You were played by somebody else then.
We wanna be supersleuths like you! Let us help you, please Palm?
Yea! With our help, you'll be at the top! Get it? Palm, top?
OODJOB: Wait, don't I know you?
We're Storm webmasters.
ODDJOB: Didn't that version blow up or something?
That was Ditto, he had indigestion.
Must resist urge to use a 'he couldn't stomach it' joke...
Well, okay, you can battle.
Right!
KITE sent out CAR!
...I already sent out one of those, you know
But mine's cooler!
CAR kept on going and crashed...
...into wall!
Another wreck, eh Kite?
mumble mumble
KITE CAR fainted!
My turn! I'm gonna send out Exploding Pen...er, Exploding Pun. Gee, I hope I made the write choice...
TOBY sent out EXPLODING PUN!
PUN caused HAT to faint!
I certainly topped that one off!
...Dude, you should leave the punning to me, Crash Boy.
ODDJOB: ...I'll eat my hat later. I still have a trick up my sleeve!
ODDJOB sent out ANTI-SHORT!
...anti-short?
ODDJOB: It's my medication, I've gained a whole two inches off it!
...ooookkkaaaay, I'm SO not asking about that one ><
I'll take care of this one!
DUO sent out TECHNICOLOR CHEATWATCH!
...Dude, isn't that Jason's?
They were all out of watch magnets! I grabbed the next best thing!
JASON appeared!
...damnitall ><
JASON: Mine! yoink ...ooooh, antishort! I could use some of that! And they were all out of it on e-bay, too!
JASON took ANTI-SHORT and left happily!
ODDJOB: ...geez, what else can I send out? My shoe maybe or...
ODDJOB sent out ODDJOB
ODDJOB: That works...
Wait gang, remember what Mr. Winkley at the amusement park told us?
Yeah, wait, you're not Oddjob!
KITE demasks ODDJOB!
It's Lani!
LANI: Odd.
Whoo, we solved the mystery!
LANI: And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for those pesky kids! ...And that sheep!
Sheep?
Bah! ^_^
It's no use Lani! You've been, ahem, bleaten!
POLICE cart LANI off!
Oh, and as for you, Narrator...we've got something for you.
Yeah?
Remember those plot holes you pointed out? To the rehabilitator with you!
AAAAAAAAH!
You...don't want to see this, battle over...go on already, fade out!
BATTLE faded out!

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Battle 28: ph33r m3y3 3v1l p4n75
Date: October 28th
Author: Duo


 Hey, do you really think pants will make a good character?
I dunno, who thought of the stupid pants guy in the first place?
Lani did.
...Erm, I mean, awesome pants guy! Yea, that's what I meant to say.
Anyway, where IS that Evil pants guy?
TOBY's PANTS greatly fell!
..eeek! DON'T LOOK, GUYS!
KITE and DUO looked on accident!
MY GOD, TOBY WEARS--!
KITE and DUO blacked out!
...oh boy. Hopefully they WON'T remember this.
TOBY's PANTS was renamed to EVIL PANTS!
...So THERE you are!!
Give me back my pants! Well, give me back you, evil pants!
DUO and KITE disappeared!
..they must've teleported to the Pokémon Center! Damn these Pokémon physics! JUST because someone blacks out.. blagh!
EVIL PANTS does not look amused!
I'm gonna get you!
TOBY is chasing EVIL PANTS!
Oh man, he's got me panting really hard.
TOBY decides to make puns, not war!
Ugh. Alright, I see what you're getting at. You want me to battle evil pants?
But... what if I damage them? They are my wool pants! 99.99999999999 percent wool!
Bah! O.O
GREEN TEXT SHEEP ran away!
TOBY puts on a SHEEPISH GRIN!
Since when did the narrator make puns?
NARRATOR will do what he has to to increase BATTLE QUALITY!
Well, I guess... Good intentions, bad puns.
Anyway, I guess my only option is to send out an enemy to fight my pants, however strange that sounds.
EVIL PANTS looks evil!
I could've told you that.
Hmm, I'm going to have to wash the evil out of you!
TOBY sent out NEW ZEALAND-STRENGTH LAUNDRY DETERGENT!
..Bloody hell?
EVIL PANTS sent out EVIL PANTS!
Wow. Predictable. Well, Laundry detergent, strike back with your COLOUR PRESERVATION ATTACK!
EVIL PANTS are looking clean!
EVIL PANTS look happy!
EVIL PANTS' special greatly rose!
Uh-oh. It looks like I'm going to have to shoot to kill!
EVIL PANTS used HELL IN MY POCKET!
HELL caused DUO to STOP WRITING!

 Author: Toby

...
...WTF?
He had to go to bed. His mum-
His WHAT?
..."mom" said something about him needing to get up early in the morning to go to a DBZ convention.
I guess he couldn't finish writing via conventional means...
...He made me say that, I swear. Anyway, what's with Hell stopping him writing, then?
DBZ, Hell? What's the difference?
...The last ten lines were all so you could make that joke, weren't they?
Hell yea.
EVIL PANTS: Erm...if we could get back to the battle...
Uh? Who're you?
Read up a bit.
Oh...you're my pants? I have to write about myself battling my pants? ...Duo is going to die.
He's already in Hell, why not cut out the middleman?
Point.
TOBY used CUT!
MIDDLEMAN was CUT!
MIDDLEMAN: Ow! My spleen!
EVIL PANTS: You're supposed to be battling me!
Oh yes, of course.
Ahem. Hey Pants, your fly's open.
EVIL PANTS: It is? Oh no, people can see my...other side of my waistband...I'm just pants, I don't care about my fly!
You do, however, care about my wallet, which I've just stolen out of your pocket.
EVIL PANTS: The one with hell in it?
I'm surprised DBZ videos fit in those pockets.
You get the feeling this entire battle is only here to make fun of DBZ.
ALL my battles are only there to make fun of DBZ. That and puns. Lots of puns.
That's it, I can't take this anymore.

 Author: Toby, Kite

Kite, we're fainted...
Pish posh milad, this battle idea is horribly weak.
Yea. This kind of thing happens weakly, you know.
Taking a page out of Toby's book, eh? What a novel idea.
...Toby, stop writing our lines, we're sounding like you...
Ewe, sounding like Toby? What a sheepish thing.
Why, that's slightly comical!
COMIC appeared!

 Author: Toby, Kite, Comic-San

Someone say my name?
No.
No.
Sure?
Absolutely. What're you doing here, anyway?
Umn, aren't we supposed to be worrying about me and my pants?
Did your pants fly away?
Maybe they were caught in a pocket of air. ...GODDAMNIT!
Now what am I going to do for pants?
Well, you could always wear a barrel.
You could take Kite's planks off and wrap him around your waste....
...That'd be like, out of the frying pants, into the fire...
EVIL PANTS: It's always the same. Become evil, shed your owner, you get ignored for life.
I thought your pants flew away...
Liar liar, pants on fire.
PANTS go up in flames!
...I think every reader just closed their browser windows in disgust.
I didn't know we had any readers in Disgust...
That's like, a new country or something?
Toby, you didn't happen to have anything else in those pants, you know, many people leave things in 'their other pair of pants', you know.
...I had that dbz tape in there...
So, nothing of value was lost?
Right.
...Hey, I'm not supposed to say that!
You know, those pants are awfully quiet all considering...you know, if I was on fire....I'd prolly scream.
Well, you guys have done the running gag, you've killed off the new character, and you have nothing to torture...
Why are you looking at me?
Bah. I can't think of a pun about that.
...his presence has caused Toby to not be able to pun...
This is an evil we have never seen before, gentlemen.
...Wait, no! I've been framed!
...Get it? Comic, frame? Frame, comic?
COMIC backs away slowly!
...I would normally be able to think of a great come-back for that...something about me being able to picture it...
So, we've gone from attack a pair of pants to a co-webmaster?
Works for me.
If you-
If you ask me, it's a waist of space
...You stole my pun. You do not deserve to live.
That's it! He came here to steal our BQ! BURN HIM!
Didn't we just do that to the pants?
...you know, instead of talking about it, we could, you know, battle him...
Battle? In Storm? See? He's funny again! Heheheh...
SHEEP wants to fight!
KITE wants to fight!
DUO wants to fight!
COMIC wants to...run away!
Got that right. o_o;;
 COMIC hops into DIGITAL PORTAL!
Convenient, ne?
Always is.
COMIC ran away!
Well, that's over, now what?
We'll have coffee.
Okay, but you'd better sit with your back to me. I don't want to stare at your ugly mug, Kite.
...Looks like he's regained his powers...
Oh joy. I'm so pleased.
Bah o_O;;
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Battle 29: Narrator Search
Date: November 11th (before network check)
Author: Duo

WELCOME TO THE ALL NEW STORM VERSION VERSION 2.0! WITH SO MANY READERS, NO WONDER WE'RE... REALLY POPULAR!
Storm Version Version 2.0 is lightning ...good!
With Storm Version I can do--
What are you DOING?
We're advertising Storm Version.
I see! We need... to have a battle, because! This is a pokebattles website!
Pfft, noone ever has battles anymore.
Noone has battles anymore. It's both redundant AND repetitive.
Please wait while BATTLE is loaded!
BATTLE APPEARED!
Choose your opponent!
...What is going on?
Uhm...Kite, you will fight!
NO!
Kite chooses SUPER-FIGHTING-MEGA-MONKEY as his opponent.
!!!
Uh, must resist temptation to stop the battle.
I think the term battle is used to represent anything with aqua and red text.
Well we don't have any aqua yet...
PORTAL to AQUA VERSION appeared!
NARRATOR was sucked in!
...woo, there goes that battle we had to do.
Good, so we can end this?
No, let's do something creative to fill time.

(Toby and Kite)...Torture Duo!
..No..that wouldn't be very fun.
Sure it would!
Yes, let's take away his DBZ, that's worse than anything else you can think of.
...DON'T YOU DARE!
*holds up coffee mug* I'll drop it!
...
NOT MY MUG! Get back here you thug...give me back my mug.
*runs around*
Guys, we have a bigger problem. Just because our narrator is gone doesn't mean we can take the day off.
You're right, let's take the whole week off.
yes!
..I mean, we need a new narrator now.
But without a narrator, how do we get a new narrator?

Player: Narrator
Hello WEBMASTERS!
Who's this?
Dunno, looks like a cat to me.
I am not a CAT! I am a NARRATOR taking the FORM of a CAT!
Why would you be taking the form of a cat? o.o
I was only HIDING like this until that other NARRATOR retired!
Well he didn't really retire...he kind of got sucked into a randomly appearing portal.
DETAILS do not matter! If you can CHANGE me back into NARRATOR FORM I will PROMISE to obey your COMMANDS!
Well how do we transform you back?
YOU must BRING me a few ITEMS!
Like..?
I need a GLOWINGCRYSTAL, CLOUDINAJAR, and lastly SQUIRTBOTTLE!
Oh, I see! So if we bring you one of the parts of each of our original versions, we can change you back into a narrator?
That is correct!
Okay, so, Kite... You should probably go get the squirt bottle, since your version is Liquid.
I'll get cloud in a jar.
Duo, go get a glowing crystal.
Okay.

Setting: Crystal Version
Not much here yet... looks like much hasn't gone on here.
DUO appeared!
Two mes?
DUO: What are you doing here and why do you look like me?
I just need a small crystal... has to be a glowing one, though.
DUO hands DUO a GLOWINGCRYSTAL!
Alright, that wasn't too hard.

Setting: Storm Version
DUO! Did you get it?
Yes, no problem.
Okay, I'll go get the cloud in a jar now.

Setting: Cloud Version
Wow, lots of sporting events going on.. hm! It's a perfectly clear day... looks like it's gonna be tough.
FOG appeared!
Heh, guess not. *opens a jar and puts some fog in it*

Setting: Storm Version
I got it!
Good, I'll go now.

Setting: Liquid Version
Woo, it's raining.
Well I'll just fill this bottle up and I'll be done!
Okay! I better take this back now.

Setting: Storm Version
That was quick. Do you have it?
YES!
Yay!
It LOOKs like you have ALL OF THE INGREDIENTS!
Now use the SQUIRTBOTTLE on the CLOUDINAJAR and put the GLOWINGCRYSTAL in!
DUO, KITE, and TOBY did as they were told!
Wow, shiny.
GLOWINGCLOUDBOTTLE is shaking!
Now give the GLOWINGCLOUDBOTTLE to me, guys!
DUO, KITE, and TOBY did as they were told!
What? CATNARRATOR is evolving!
yes!
CATNARRATOR evolved into NARRATOR!
Great, thanks for the help guys. I'll be sure to do a good job.
Good, it looks like we have ourselves a good narrator now.
Yes, a job well done.
Woohoo, now I can watch my DBZ.
o_o;
Good idea! :D
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Small recap required: Read Battle 29

Battle 30: A Webmaster's Best Friend
Date: November 16th, 2001
Author: Toby 'n' Kite

You know, I thought decaffeinated week was bad, but this...
Don't discuss that week. I still have the taste in my mouth.
Really? I thought the flavor was pretty week!
...Go back to car-crashing, Kite. Puns = Me.
What's up guys?
Not our BQ.
...But I thought the joke about the squirtbottle was pretty good!
Actually, I've seen better plot-lines on DBZ...
...You've SEEN plotlines on DBZ?
That's like, the rarest sighting since someone thought they saw a decaf machine in this office!
But, wait, didn't Kite say something about decaf week and-
NO EXPOSING PLOT-HOLES DUO!
You're in enough trouble as it is, Squirtbottle Boy.
Isn't that the Ocean Webmaster?
Pssh, like we'd let HIM in.
After all, he's so much more brilliant than us, this office isn't worthy of his presence.
Me and Toby have devised a little torture for you...
Torture?...
FINALLY NARRATOR gets a LINE!
TOBY pulls UBER-KAWAII DOG from HAIR!
...Why is it in your hair?
Well, we didn't have any torture devices on hand, so we decided to pull a rabbit out of a hat. Of course, since those emergency measures we took to get out of deca-
AHEM.
...pitating me, we haven't had much cash, so we couldn't afford a rabbit...
Or a hat...
So we decided a dog out of a haircut-
Or lack thereof.
...would work just as well.
DOG opens BIG BLUE EYES!
...this is my torture?...this is sad.
Well, I would've brought in a torture-rack, but I had trouble fitting it in my hair.
UBER-KAWAII DOG used STARE!



DUO was PARALYZED!
It may not attack!
DUO's LEVEL was replaced by a little sign saying PRZ!
Hey, I worked hard to get to level 14!
*ahem* DUO is PARALYZED!
Oh, right.
...
...
Good.
How long do we keep him like this?
Until he promises not write bad battles ever again.
Um, he can't ta-
Don't you start with the plotholes.
What?!
What?
No, that's my line
...
UBER-KAWAII DOG is evolving!
Oooh, maybe it'll turn into a Vivi or a coffee machine or-
UBER-KAWAII DOG evolved into XBOX!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SPAWN OF EVIL!
We gotta get this thing out of here.
I'll handle this *flexes*
KITE approaches XBOX!
KITE used LIFT!
It's not very effective...
Gee Kite, I guess all those hours of painfully lifting coffee machines finally didn't pay off.
Oh, fine, like you could do better.
Leave this to the professionals...
TOBY used COFFEE!
POPEYE MUSIC plays!
TOBY used LIFT!
It's super effective!
Let this be a lesson kids, if you want to be as strong as a sheep, you gotta drink coffee.
And buckle your seat-belts every time you're in the car.
...
And Duo should never write a battle.
><
XBOX was tossed into TEXAS!
Where is our office located anyway?
Apparently not Texas.
...
Think we should unfreeze him?
With what? The dog turned into an XBOX and I just tossed it into Texas!
Maybe we can counter the evil with a supremely good console!
Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky?
My name isn't Pinky. And how the hell do you ponder?
...Nevermind. I think we should get a GameCube to reverse the evil done to Duo.
But to do that, we'd have to run to California, wait till Jason's Cube arrives, somehow wrestle it away from him, and then run back!
...Or we could just leave him how he is.
...!
Sounds like a good plan.
TOBY and KITE put their FEET UP!
I think I'm going to enjoy this.
...
Stop dotting at me.
... ><
And those faces aren't gonna help either.
So remember the moral of the story, kids. If your fellow webmaster writes a horrible battle, pull an XBOX disguised as a dog out of your hair and make it stare at him before throwing it into Texas.
...

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