STORM THIRTY-ONE TO THIRTY-FIVE

Battle 31: l33t ph4n745y IX
Date: November 23rd, 2001
Setting: Storm HQ
Player: A player is you!
Author: Kite

Alright, now to get my fill of coffee jokes and DBZ mocking!
...
...
...
What happened?
You read the two last battles right?
...yeah...
The punishment for poor BQ is stasis until one of them comes up with a decent battle.
I didn't think they were all THAT bad...
Oh, they were, all that and more my friend.
...-_-
So, how are they going to write?
...NARRATOR hadn't thought of that...
Oh, great, so no new battle?
...no, wait.
KITE's ARMS were UN-PARALYZED!
KITE flips off NARRATOR!
Oh, bring IT on NERD-BOY!
...
YOU get ONE CHANCE! Write, PUPPET, write!
KITE used WRITE!
....

Setting: Room of Infinite Evil
Player: Zidane

KUJA! 1 4m h3r3 70 s733l j00r b33r!
KUJA: Ph00l! 1 sh4ll c0ntr0l 4ll 7h3 b33r5 0f g14 4nd 73rr4, th3n 1 sh4ll 7ruly b3 l33t!
No way Kuja, I'm here to stop your evil ways! 1 sh4ll rocc0r j00r boxx0r!!
KUJA: Why must you fight me when I have so much love for you?
...dude, that's so wrong.
KUJA used B33R!
What?
KUJA's evolving!
KUJA evolved into TRASHED KUJA!
Since when does b33r make you glow?
KUJA: Oh, everything tends to glow when you're equipped with the world's supply...
ROOM starts to SPIN!
...wow, pretty SFX...
KUJA wants to fight!
ZIDANE wants to fight!
KUJAsent out KUJA!
ZIDANE sent out VIVI!
KUJA used SLASH!
The enemy's too KAWAII! It may not attack!
Good job Vivi! Now, comet!
VIVI used COMET!
VIVI cleans KUJA's bathroom!
It's super effective!
...way to...make the enemy happy, Vivi...
KUJA used FLAME STAR!
MÉLISSA appeared!
MÉLISSA: KAWAII! ^_^
MÉLISSA took VIVI to FLAME VERSION!
I think that "VIVI died!" would be putting the outcome of this mildly...
Gah, fine, I have more. Go, Eiko!
ZIDANE sent out EIKO!
EIKO used THE ULTIMATE IDJUT SUMMON!
SSJ4GOKU appeared!
...that fits.
SSJ4GOKU: You stole my look you mean person! I shall send you to another dimension!
KUJA: ...another dimension?
I don't think our after-lives are compatible.
KUJA: Oh.
SSJ4GOKU used KI BLAST
KIte was BLASTED!
>< !
KUJA and GOKU were deleted!
And the world rejoiced!
ZIDANE recieved WORLD'S SUPPLY of B33R!

Meanwhile...

Player: Jin
Setting: Diamond Version

...are you thinking what I was thinking Synchron?
SYNCHRON: I think so Pinky, but do you think Chargon would really put on the Bunny suit?
...
STORM PORTAL appeared!

Back again.

Player: Zidane
Setting: Ugh, wherever the hell we were before.

SYNCHRON appeared!
...but, I defeated the big bad guy, what the hell are you doing here?
SYNCHRON: Between random shouts of "b33r" I think Jin wanted me to take that beer you just acquired...
So you were written in for plot convenience?
SYNCRHON: Pretty much...
...HALT!
NO MORE!

Setting: Storm Version

...?
DUO was released!
l33t!
TOBY was released!
...I'll be at the coffee machine if you need me...
Umn, so, what was that about, Narrator?
That battle officially broke all known limits of suck previously known to man.
...
That bad?
YES!
At least we've been consecutive in our sucking.
So, what do we do about Kite?
I say we play my PS2 while he watches with his eyes toothpicked open.
o_o;
We could use his CD collection as clay pigeons...
Or we could kill the narrator and get Kite out of this.
Eh, I didn't like this narrator anyway, I mean, it's feline, this whole thing was a catastrophe.
I thought it was purrfect myself.
You kitten me?
...umn, you're going to kill me you said?
Shh, this is a webmaster pun-off, we need all our concentration.
Or any other similar children's game.
NARRATOR tries to sneak away!
...no effect!
You can't be civil and wait around before we kill you? You narrator's are all alike, all you, you, you. You know, when someone wants to kill me, I have a little respect.
I guess we gotta do this ourselves.
SHEEP and DUO used DUO BLAST!
DUO was BLASTED from a CANNON at NARRATOR!
It's super effective!
NO! IT'S NOT! IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE AT ALL!
NARRATOR died!
...?
Oh, we gotta find a new narrator...
Who do we use?
Bah!
You think that'd work?
Bah! ^_^
Oh, look, it's his resume.
You're listed on his list of references. I guess we should take him.
Bah!! ^_^
GREEN TEXT SHEEP was renamed NARRATOR!
...did it work?
Bah! ^_^
Yup, it worked...
BAAAAAH!
Hey, you hear that, he said Kite was returned to normal!
Whoo!
What are we supposed to do about the narration?
Bah.
I'm with him, the narration isn't that important anyway.
Bah. ^_^
Yup, battle's over.

And yet another scene change...

Setting: Diamond
Player: Jin

b33r!
SYNCHRON: Yup, I got the world's supply of beer for you sir, but it came at a cost...
Cost? What cost?
ZIDANE: Hi.
I can see this is going to be a long day.

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Battle 32: Isle Drink To That
Date: December 4th, 2001
Author: Duo 'n' Toby 'n' Kite - the whole shebang

Setting: Onboard Ship

Look! Land on the horizon!
KITE peers through a TELESCOPE!
Hmm...I think I see it, yes. Could this be the land of infinite coffee we've been searching for for the past three days?
KITE SUBTELY informs the AUDIENCE of the PLOT!
I'm not sure, Kite. That island somehow seems...evil...
Are you sensing something?
No, but there's this big sign on the shore saying "Evil Island".
Oh, I'm sure that's just a name. It's probably really an archipelago.
READER stares at the battle, CONFUSED!
CONFUSED JOKE has been done far too many times!
I don't think we've given the reader's enough plot information...
Bah, like anyone reads this version after the last few battles anyway.
Still, we'd better do a flashback, to the time when I first discovered the map to the land of infinite coffee...

Setting: Four Days Ago

Hey look, I've found a map to the land of infinite coffee.

Setting: Back on Deck

Now that that's done, we'll be getting on this archipelago.
Wait, wait, wait. I know this part. We all land and get attacked by angry islanders-
Shouldn't that be archipelagoers?
...angry archipelagoers, then barely make it back to the ship alive.
No, no, no - that only happens when we have a nameless sailor who isn't much of a sprinter and is captured and eaten by the islande-
Archipelagoers.
...Right.
Well, Duo might as well be that guy, he hasn't had a word in this battle.
Didn't you send him down to get another barrel of coffee?
DUO found a BARREL!
DUO appeared!
You took your time.
Yea, well, I heard a noise...I was busy investigating.
Right, whatever. Listen, angry archipelagoers or not, I'm going to anchor us here and explore that islan...er, archipelago! It could be the land of infinite coffee!
Agreed. We can't afford to miss this opportunity.

Setting: Storage Room

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER peeks out from behind COFFEE BARREL!
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: ...You know, whether or not people know my name doesn't matter in any way.
But it's more exciting!
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Exciting shmiting. Everyone, my name is-
Sssh!
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Oh, so I can't even say my name?
Correct. I say we don't show people your name, and my word is law.
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: ...My name is-
Quiet!
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: ...short for Bob.
...Damn.
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER was renamed KATE!
KATE was given a PLAYER PACKAGE, complete with AQUA TEXT!

Player: Kate

Ah, good. Now, I'd better reveal my devious plan.
Sounds like a plan.
Ugh. Anyway, as Storm Version's coffee-obsessed character, I feel it's my duty to stow away on board the webmasters' ship and steal whatever they find in the infinite land of coffee and then make off with it in this life raft.
KATE holds up LIFE RAFT!
Genius, eh?
Oh, very.
Now, to wait till we arrive...
What're you going to do about the life raft?
Hmm...I'll hide it in the RAFTERS!
...

Setting: Evil Island Archipelago

Right. Everyone keep your eyes peeled. I have a feeling there's evil on this archipelago.
Kite would like to note that this observation has nothing to do with the words "There's Evil On This Archipelago" being emblazoned on the sign he just passed.
...Thank you, Narrator, that really helped.
Come on! Let's go find this infinite coffee thing!
ANGRY ARCHIPELAGOERS appeared!
I hate to say I told you so.
...Wait, no I don't. I told you so.
Angry Archipelagoers are ambushing!!!
...Okay, we HAVE to stop calling them archipelagoers. It's giving me a headache.
But what're we supposed to call them?
CHARGON: Someone's coming! Fresh meat!
JPG: But murder is bad, Chargon!
CHARGON runs JPG through!
JPG: Thank you, may I have another?
...I think we can safely call them idiots...
CHARGON: j00 tr3spass0rz w1ll b3 k1ll3d!
...Oh great, they even speak l33t. That's a sure sign of idiocy.
...what did he say?
I think he said, 'we have coffee, want any?'
...I don't think that look he's giving you is much of a coffee-giving one, Duo
CRIMSONKING: Killing sucks.
CHARGON: You're not even a member of this group!
CRIMSONKING: I know, this group sucks.
Looks like one of those guys is on our side!
CRIMSONKING: Sides suck.
Before you kill us, would you mind pointing us in the direction of your infinite supply of coffee?
I'm kinda thirsty myself, I think I could drink a least 2 infinite supplies.
Hey, don't hog the infinite coffee! There might not be enough to go around!
SKYLER: ...coffee? I know not of this "coffee"
...but, we were told this place has an infinite supply of coffee...
CHARGON: Who the hell told you that?
...The map that came in the box of cracker jacks...
Cracker Jacks?
You don't have cracker jacks?
Nope.
First Eggos, now cracker jacks, lord your dinky island sucks.
JPG: I like Cracker Jacks.
JPG: yes, my opinions suxx0r.
Nah, is good.
JPG: Nah nah, is bad.
...weren't you run through by a sword?
JPG: I suck too much to die.
CHARGON: I agree. 
CHARGON clobbers JPG!
How do you clobber someone, anyway?
CHARGON: Want me to demonstrate?
...No no, I'll be alright, I think.
CHARGON points to SKYLER!
SKYLER: You have a choice, you can be thrown in the volcano, or you can play "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

Setting: Volcano

I think we made the right choice.
SKYLER: ...Damnit, does NO ONE want to play this game?
I think the penny's finally dropped.
...
...WTF?
You know, the old saying, "the penny's dropped"...to, er, coin a phrase.
...Puns don't work when no one knows whatever the hell you're on about. And that's my two cents.
HAHA! Go Duo!
Don't worry, I have a whole cache of puns where that came from.
...
Anyway, I've never heard of this "penny dropping" thing...
You guys don't have pennies?
...I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.
CHARGON: AHEM. You guys have a date with the VOLCANO, here. We didn't drag you up here so you could talk about MONEY...
...you guys smell something?...
I do believe that's a rich mocha blend, circa 1998...
That was a good year...
...the volcano, it's full of coffee...
CHARGON: You ready to be thrown in?
STORM WEBMASTERS jump into VOLCANO!
CHARGON: ...that was easy.

Setting: Storage Room Onboard Ship

873 mugs of coffee on the bench, 873 mugs of coffee...
KATE used SING!
Take one down, drink it all yourself and share it with no one because sharing coffee is really really bad and you should be drinking it all the damn time, 872 mugs of coffee on the bench...
Bah!
...Um?
Sorry, force of habit. Oh dear, I made you lose count.
How much longer till we get to land...?
Oh, they've already gone to get the coffee.
I thought I told you to warn me.
Oh, right, you're warned.
Gah. I'd better get after them - who knows the amount of coffee they could be drinking without me?
Well, me...
I guess I should be going then instead of sitting here and talking about it, huh?
Right.
...
Going to go?
Oh, yeah.
KATE runs to MAINLAND!

Setting: Evil Archipelago

DOMINGO appeared!
ROBBY appeared!
You gotta be kidding me...both at once?
Live with it.
Robby and Digg? I'd rather die with it..
Umn, can you point me to the nearest container of infinite coffee?
DOMINGO: Why certainly. First, you must place your feet at a 90 degree angle, making sure to account for wind velocity and the archipelago constant, which is, as everyone knows, 3 times the amount of peach-scented palm trees to the power of the consistency of the sand in the north beach (which is inversely proportional to the amount of leaves in the third tree from the left). Then you must activate the muscles in your left leg and oscillate them in a backwards motion, which will force your shin in the rough direction of northeast, being careful not to disrupt the bone regularity in your right ankle which can lead to flobulotoyuatitis. Then you must do the same with your right leg but backwards so as to achieve a vaguely forward motion so that-
ROBBY: No, no, no, no, no!
ROBBY: That's not the way to do it! Actually, I don't know why you're even bothering because there are so much more fun things to do than look for coffee for example you could be listening to me reading this book or maybe we could go and eat some lemon pops which I so conveniently have with me and-
DOMINGO: No, no, no, no, no, no!
DOMINGO: You must follow the scientific approach!
ROBBY: Scientific schmientific! Books beat science any day!
DOMINGO: You're just saying that because you have no grasp of kltelgineromisty physics!
ROBBY: You have no idea what real writing is! You're so wrapped up in your heglytical omnitoyoris that you can't understand!
DOMINGO: HAH! Heglytical isn't even a word!
...I think I'll find the way by myself, thanks...
KATE runs off towards the VOLCANO!
DOMINGO: Think we confused her enough?
ROBBY: Yea. Now let's go find that coffee.

Setting: Volcano

...we've been falling for a while, shouldn't we have hit something?
I think we needed to give Kate time for plot convenience.
DOMINGO appeared!
DOMINGO: Everyone knows that time passes differently in different places!
CHARGON: Aha! The Exiled One has returned without permission! THROW HIM IN, MINIONS! MWAHAHAHAHA!
DOMINGO: But wait, Chargon! Throwing us in would defy the law of volcanometry which everyone knows is present at all times especially whenAAAAAAAHHHH!!
DOMINGO hit the BOILING HOT COFFEE at FULL SPEED!
IDIOTS rejoice!
DOMINGO: Actually according to research recently conducted by coffee enthusiasts full speed is unattainable whenOW THAT'S HOT!
DOMINGO died!
Wait...
He hit before us?
Don't question it, just go with it.
STORM WEBMASTERS land in COFFEE!
It burns, it burns! But it tastes soooo good!
VOLCANO is angry!
VOLCANO wants to fight!
VOLCANO erupted!

Setting: Near Kate

I'll never find the coffee, why, if only something remarkably convenient would happen...
GIANT RIVER OF COFFEE flows by!
Oh, no, it's flowing into the ocean, this is the worst catastrophe ever!
STORM WEBMASTERS float by!
*yoink*
KITE steals KATE'S RAFT as he floats by!
STORM WEBMASTERS float off on RAFT!
KATE is left STRANDED!
...things couldn't possibly get any worse.
CHARGON: I like swords.
...

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Recap: (oh dear god, we actually need a recap o.o) Stranded on an extremely small life-raft after fleeing the archipelago of infinite coffee, the Storm webmasters have no supplies whatsoever and are going wherever the peril-filled, ultra-dangerous ocean takes them. Meanwhile, Kate is stranded on an island with Chargon. Difficult to decide who's better off.

Battle 33: What? No, I don't think we mock DBZ too much!
Date: December 23rd, 2001 (If this is good, you can consider it a Christmas Special)
Author: Toby 'n' Kite (thanks to Eric [Aqua Version] for help and opinion on this battle)

Setting: SS Toby

...Okay, why is the raft called that?
Well, you guys weren't naming it anything, I figured I'd step in and claim it.
You couldn't have named it something more universal?
...I don't follow you.
Oh, nevermind, we'll just paint over it when we get the chance.
SS TOBY hits something big!
If this is another XBOX joke...
Nonono, RED has done that ENOUGH! This is something far cooler...
FFX?
Hax0red warez?
Coffee?
...What, so coffee comes *last* on the list?
Well, I figured the chances of us bumping into coffee while sailing on the ocean were a bit slim...
And the chances of finding warez weren't?
Hey, warez is everywhere!
Besides, you don't really bump into coffee, you'd more float into it, wouldn't you...?
Fool, you don't float into coffee or bump into it, you drink it!
NARRATOR thinks you don't CARE about the INTERESTING ITEM you have bumped into!
Oh, fine, ruin the wonderfully witty banter why don't you?
SOMETHING BIG was renamed JAPAN!
You know what this means, don't you Duo?
...There is a god?
Well, that's debatable, but I do here they have subbed DBZ here, untouched by the evil hands of Funimation.
DBZ untouched by evil? They selling blank video cassettes?
Let the DBZ mocking COMMENCE!
..Actually, that's all I can think of right now, so...
I think the DBZ jokes are old, and dare I say, the coffee jokes are running out of steam...
Kite, please, leave the punning to me.
Besides, coffee jokes are, er, full of beans.
Blah blah blah coffee-related pun.
I think we should be making for the nearest anime store, Duo...
But we don't have any money!
I didn't think you NEEDED money for that filth...
...Hm...perhaps we can trade Toby for some things - I hear New Zealanders are pretty rare nowadays...
Yeah, but I think ours is broken...we'd only get about 50 market price...
HEY!
Maybe if we glued its mouth shut..
Add some attractive packaging...
...I'm getting bored here...
I think we could get more for the narrator...
NARRATOR is NOT for SALE!
Oh, hey, wrap him up in some sparkly paper...
NARRATOR is NON-CORPOREAL!
No body to put PAPER on!
I can see the advertisement now..."Used Narrator - only 358458673 lines said, partial to terrorising life-forms lower than itself..."
Only used by 3 webmasters on Sundays.
Wait, you think a storm narrator got that many lines in?
Alright, so, we go to the nearest anime store, after all, they have one every few feet here, and we sell the narrator for as many tapes as we can get.
I refuse to participate in collecting evil.
Alright, Duo, use the club...
What do y-- *BANG*
TOBY fainted!
...what was that?
The club...
...
You know, like you use to keep cars from being stolen?
...wrong club, Duo...
Does it really matter?
Nope, let's go get some anime!
STORM WEBMASTERS make a QUICK and convenient EXIT to make way for the next SCENE!

Player: Kate
Setting: Tokyo

My floating device didn't work as well as yours, Chargon...
CHARGON: I think Skyler has more natural buoyancy than Robby.
ROBBY: Hey, we just said your swords were un-cool, you didn't have to float on us to Japan!
CHARGON: Sure I did, how else would I have gotten those b33r Kate said she had here? ...oh, Kate, let's go get that b33r now...
Oh, umn, about that b33r...HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!
CHARGON: Like I'm falling for that one...
EGOZILLA appeared!
EGOZILLA stomped on ROBBY and SKYLER!
CHARGON: d00d! l33t! I want one!
What the hell is that thing anyway?
EGOZILLA is the PHYSICAL FORM of JASON'S EGO!
...I woulda thought that'd be a bit bigger than that...
ROBBY: Yea, I mean, I can actually see all of it without moving my head.
Aren't you supposed to be dead?
ROBBY: Oh, right. Sorry about that.
CHARGON: He's Robby. He never seems to die.
CRIMSON KING: Robby sucks.
...how'd you get here?
CRIMSON KING: Plot continuance sucks.
SKYLER: So, who's up for a nice game of-
Not me.
CHARGON: Not me.
ROBBY: Not me. Woops.
...so, umn...how to get rid of giant monster of destruction...oh, I know...OMG! H3 DR4NK 0UR B33R!
CHARGON: ...
CHARGON: This foul beast cannot be allowed to live.
EGOZILLA senses the PRESENCE of DBZ!
DBZ makes EGOZILLA feel ANGRY and AGGRESSIVE!
I think it's heading for that anime store over there!
CHARGON: CH444444RG3!

Setting: Anime Store

Wow, we got all 200+ episodes for a penny...
I think you got ripped off, myself.
To coin a phr-
No no, we did the money puns last time.
EGOZILLA appeared!
...lame plot device 1...god I'm going to learn to hate plot in Storm Version..
Mwahahaha. And you thought plot was USEFUL!
EGOZILLA wants to DESTROY DBZ ANIME!
I will not allow it!
...you can have mine...
Weakling.
I'm just going to sit back and laugh whilst the giant green monster thing tears you to shreds for watching crap.
CHARGON and KATE appeared!
...well, this gets better and better.
CHARGON: Spawn of evil! You took my b33r!
...Oddly enough, that's exactly what I expected him to say.
So, I take it you're on OUR side?
CHARGON: It took my b33r. I'll kill you later.
Oh, goody.
EGOZILLA wants to fight!
TOBY wants to watch and eat popcorn!
...we shoulda sold him when we had the chance.
But you didn't, so you'll just have to, ahem, SOLDier on.
CHARGON: Ok, priority change, kill big monster first, then Toby, then the others.
Oh dear.
CHARGON wants to fight!
EGOZILLA says CHARGON is no match for the POWER of the EGO!
Wait, wait, isn't Chargon's ego almost as big?...this is a clash of the titans...

An hour later...

Wow, what a great fight, too bad we're too lazy to actually write a battle...
Yeah, I think that was the coolest thing I've ever seen...
We've got to get out of here before one of them gets up...
Aww, I wanted to see it kill you.
So, how do we get back home from Tokyo...?
PIRO: We've been trying to figure that one out for some time now.
Like we'd ever want to leave! All the DBZ we could ever want...
Really? They have none?
Kite's right. We should stay.
SKYLER: So, who wants to play Whose Line is it Anyway?
...AAAAH!
...AAAAH!
..AAAAH!
I'd scream but it would sound repetitive.
STORM WEBMASTERS and KATE sail off into the sunset!
I thought Japan was the land of the *rising* sun.
You ever see people move off into the sunrise? Pssh.
I guess you could say that's how the endings are SET, eh?
...Please god let us reach land soon.

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Battle 34: A Very Pokebattles Nativity: aka A Stormy Stormy Christmas
Date:January 3rd, 2001 Just pretend like it's December 25th and be happy.
Author:Just Kite this time.

...aren't we a few days late?
Who cares?
More time to slack.
Good point

Player:Matt

Oh, joy, I get to be in another one of Kite's brilliant story-based ideas...
DEB: I'm not going to last very much longer, we got to find an inn!
...ok, I'm not even going to ask why Deb's pregnant...
HAUNTER_UK: You know, when Kite said he'd pay me back for coding the picture page, I never thought he'd make me a donkey to carry Deb on, I demand a refund.
Keep talking like that and he'll likely set you in a battle against Chargon.
HAUNTER_UK ...
Good donkey. Anyway, I think I see an inn over there, let's take shelter for the night...

Setting:The Crimson Inn of Bethlaham

And why do I get a funny feeling I'm not going to like this place...
CRIMSONKING: This is my inn. It costs money, and who's the slut with you?
That's my wife, she's carrying the lord's child, so far as I understand thus far...
CRIMSONKING: See, I told you she was a slut. You should dump her and kill her...
As much as killing something would make this better right now, I don't think I will...
DEB: Besides, I'm a virgin :P
CRIMSONKING: Coulda fooled me. Oh boy, look, we're booked solid. You and your whorish wife can go sleep in the barn, it'll cost you 75.99
You'd charge to hold the birthing place of the Messiah?
CRIMSONKING: The messiah sucks.
Fine, whatever...here's your dirty money, and I note that American money shouldn't have been in use out here, the writer could use some work...
DEB: Honey, I think it's coming...
This shouts scene change to me....

Setting:SS Toby

We really need to rename this vessel
KATE: How about we name it the "Queen Kate"?
Why is she even with us? Didn't you want to take our coffee and kill us?
KATE: Details, details...
Wait, I see something!
Coffee?
No, land!
...I think we've covered all the coffee puns...
I think maybe it's just that Kite's writing this one.
Oh, right...you suck Kite.
...If I'm writing this, why am I being put down like this?
I'm sorry, you rule Kite
That's better. Anyway, I think I see land, let's split up...you two, come with me.
KATE: What about me?
CHARGON appeared!
There's your answer, play nicely guys.
WEBMASTERS ran away!
CHARGON: My sword says you lied about the b33r, my sword only does one thing, and that's not lying...
KATE: Oh god, please let the other thing be making expresso.

Setting:Far away from them

So, where do we go?
Hey, that star is really bright, let's follow it.
And again your logic is flawless

Setting:Crimson Barn

MESSIAH was born!
Oh god I need a long shower after seeing that...
DEB: I think I'll name him J...
Jesus?
DEB: I was thinking Jason.
...oh joy
JASON: G...g...gamecube
DEB: His first words, how kawaii!
Raise your hand if you saw that one coming...
THREE WISE AS...er...MEN appeared!
Take me to your coffee machine.
There are no coffee machines here, they haven't been invented...
TOBY is paralyzed!
...you better find some coffee quickly. Last time we went somewhere without a coffee machine he killed so many people it made Chargon sick.
o_O; One cup of coffee, coming up...
Hey, and who's this little guy here?
DEB: His name is Jason, and he is the almighty one.
JASON: Hi. I demand presents.
How articulate for an infant.
Oh, gee...maybe we should give him something...umn, wait, I know.
KITE gives JASON DRAGON WARRIOR 7!
This is so he may grow up to be wise.
JASON: l33t!
Hmn...I think I have some DBZ left over from when we went to Japan...
JASON starts crying!
I think you made him mad...
How about I give him my copy of Diablo2?
JASON coos happily!
Fine, take it.
DUO gives JASON DIABLO 2!
This is so he may grow up to be brave.
Alright, Toby, give him something
I have coffee...
So give him some coffee
Do you even READ this version?
Oh, right.
...fine, here, have some coffee...
Toby's giving out his coffee?
He must truly be the almighty one.
TOBY gives JASON coffee!
This is so he may grow up to own, and stuff.
JASON: roxx0r
Thanks for the presents, I'm sure in 2000 years when computers and gaming consoles are made available, he'll enjoy them...
Then our work here is done.
Then we shall head home.
Can we go to heaven when we die, kpls?
JASON: Eh, why not?
Thanks man, enjoy the gifts.
WEBMASTERS ran away!
Well, that was fun.
WOMAN bathed in light appeared!
WOMAN: Do not take your normal path home!
...is it an angel?
WOMAN was renamed KATE!
CHARGON has the SEARCH LIGHT from his JEEP shining on her!
CHARGON: Come back here, my sword isn't done with you yet!
KATE ran away!
...Umn, right....let's go elsewhere, shall we gentlemen?
I hear New Zealand is nice this time of year.
Sure, it's nice and warm there.
And remember, if you want to go to heaven and stuff, you'll give this battle a high score, and stuff
Amenz0r.
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Battle 35: Swordware Piracy
Date: January 21st, 2002
Author: Toby

Setting: Beneath the Rigging

C'mon, Kite, why'd you ask to meet me here? You interrupted me in the middle of doing absolutely nothing towards this network site!
Be quiet for a moment. There's something I need to tell you.
This sounds like it might involve me doing something...you know how much I hate that, Kite.
Quiet. Now, what I'm about to tell you never leaves this room.
...Room?
..Er, never leaves this...bit of space underneath the rigging...er.
Right. It never leaves this bit of space underneath the rigging. So what is it?
Well...there's just no easy way to say this...we're out of coffee.
...
Turns out half of the barrels of coffee sprung leaks in the battle we had with those pirates...

Setting: [Flashback] Pirate Attack

CAPTAIN: Arr! Here come the webmasters now!
FIRST MATE: Aren't you going to say things about landlubbers, and scallywags, and swashbuckling, and 'avast me hearties'...etc?
CAPTAIN: ...I dropped out of pirate school early...all they taught me was a few tips on sanding wooden legs, 101 ways to make your own urine seem appetising, and how to say 'arr'.
FIRST MATE: Ah...I mean, Arr...
SECOND MATE: Captain! The webmasters are preparing some sort of brew!
CAPTAIN: Brew, eh? They dare to drink before being attacked! Board 'em, me...me...
FIRST MATE: Hearties?
CAPTAIN: Yes, that's it.

Setting: On Board the Webmaster's Ship

KATE: Okay, everyone line up for the coffee!
...Why are you making it in this...pot?
KATE: Cauldron. I couldn't find anything else.
Mmm, smells good!
KATE: Not you, Kite.
Aww...why not?
KATE: Because you fell into the coffee when you were a little kite, and it had a permanent effect on you, that's why!
Come on, let's have some of this coffee, the pirates will be attacking soon..
KATE: Right, here you go.
TOBY drinks COFFEE!
COMIC STRIP-LIKE effects surround TOBY!
DUO drinks COFFEE!
SIMILAR STUFF happens!
Right, let's get over there. Those pirates will be no match for the power of the coffee.
CAPTAIN: Die!
FIRST MATE: I really have to talk to him about that battle-cry..
CAPTAIN wants to fight!
TOBY wants to fight!
CAPTAIN used ARR!
ARR comes after KEW!
TOBY used COFFEE-ENHANCED PUNCH!
CAPTAIN was PUNCHed over-board!
KITE used COFFEE-ENHANCED PUNCH!
PIRATE SHIP greatly fell!
Into the sea!
Another victory for us, eh?
Right. Those pirates are no match for us.

Setting: [Real-time] Beneath the Rigging

That sure was fun. Anyway, you can't tell Toby or Kate we're out of coffee, they'll become suicidal.
KITE turns to leave!
But...what about the holes in the barrels?
I dunno, maybe a lobster made 'em or something.
...But...what does that have to do with the pirate attack?
Hey, we did pretty good that time, you know. I didn't see you helping.
But-
No buts, slacker. Now, get back to whatever you were doing.
KITE left!
Hmm...guess I should start not putting anything towards this website again...

To Be Continued in the Next Storm Battle!

...WTF?
We never do cliffhangers!
This cliffhanger doesn't even make sense!
Hey, I don't see you helping.
...I was grounded, damnit! Grounded!
Yea. Suuuuurrrrrreeee.
...Too many letters there.
Just wanted to get the point across.


Author: Kite
Setting: Below Deck
Player: Chargon

I thought we were waiting for some sort of cliffhanger?
I don't leave things unsettled. It's either taken care of or dead.
NARRATOR gets your POINT!
Shouldn't there be some pun attatched to that statement?
Does CHARGON expect NARRATOR to use that TIRED OLD SWORD/POINT PUN?
Yes. I don't think I've killed a storm narrator yet, would add it to my list of interesting kills.
...
Wait, YOU'RE the one who made the holes in the barrel?
My sword got bored.
Oh...
...you realize it's a BAD thing to get between a SHEEP and his COFFEE?
Someone mention cof--ooooh, someone's going to die. KITE, DUO, GET DOWN HERE!
KITE and DUO appeared
COFFEE. GONE. EXPLAIN.
...
...
KITE and DUO ran away!
It's a small ship, there's nowhere to...
NARRATOR said KITE and DUO ran away!
...great...
j0
coffee?
b33r?
no b33r
no coffee.
Mr. Mainprize is very cross...
TOBY wants to fight!
Who said?
THIS sounds like another EXCUSE for VIOLENCE!
Violence is always called for.
No one asked you.
CHARGON wants to fight!
Actually, this may be one of those times we could settle our differences peacefully...
DAMNIT!
WHAT's with KITE and these "PEACEFUL RESOLUTIONS" lately?!
b33r
coffee
...you can stop that now.
I think we passed mainland not long ago, I think I saw some people…we could head there.
You're not going to kill anyone?
Oh, I never said that.
Good enough...to land then...umn, wait, didn't you want to kill me, Kite, Duo and Kate last time?
BATTLE has PLOT HOLE!
BATTLE abruptly ENDED!
Gee Kite, you and Toby must really be out of ideas, both of your halves were so short...
Gee Duo, you must be really out of ideas, your half looks really small. Oh wait, it's not even there. Because you didn't write it. Silly me.
Shouldn't that be a thir-
BATTLE ended, DAMNIT!


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