STORM THIRTY-SIX TO FORTY

Battle 36: Down with Hiatus, Up with Overused Coffee Jokes
Date: March 6th, 2002
Author: Toby, Kite, Duo (yea, Duo...you know, that guy)
Setting: For some inexplicable reason, not on a boat.

Guys! Guys! You'll never believe what came in the mail today!
You think anyone would laugh if we said 'Coffee?'?
Of course! After all those hidden messages in our battles, all Storm fans must go into convulsions upon us saying the word coffee!
Coffee.
Coffee.
There, we filled our BQ for this battle.
Anyway, the good news is, we've been let into the Winter X-Games! Isn't it nifty?!
What's that you say? We got lots of coffee?
Coffee.
READERS die laughing!
Er, oops. Now no one can read this.
So we get to do nothing forever?
Nothing forever? We do that anyway.
Anyway, seriously, we're in! We get to go to Aspen and junk!
Hmn, I don't know about Aspen, but thank Junk place sounds nifty.
Kite, I have one question...what makes you think we have any physical talent whatsoever?
I do! I lifted 2 soup cans! I'm like, Hercules or something.
If that something is weak as a toothpick, then I'll give you that.
Were the soup cans empty?
Nope, completely full.
Wow! You the man!
Of air.
Really Kite, just how do you expect us to train up to a professional level in 3 weeks?
We could always drink a lot of coffee.
...How would that help?
Help?
Oh, god.
KITE used ACE-UP-SLEEVE!
According to this, Folgers is endorsing this year's X-Games.
So, when do we leave?
This is really getting boring, we need to boost our BQ again
Coffee.
Coffee.
Coffee.
Coffee.
Bah...I mean, coffee.
That should do it.

Setting: Plane to Aspen

I call window seat!
I call aisle seat!
Is there a seat somewhere near coffee of some sort?
Well, there's a seat over there...the armrest is kinda coffee-coloured...
Oooh, coffee-coloured.
STORM WEBMASTERS used SIT!
What? I couldn't here you, I saw this nice coffee-coloured chair and...
ARTICUNO: Can you believe those guys who get in first class?
...the paying customers?
ARTICUNO: Yeah, them.
ARTICUNO: I'm gonna go take a peek and see what goes on in there.
ARTICUNO: Oh, you got like, an insidiary device I could toss in there?
...fresh out.
ARTICUNO: Oh well, I guess I'll just have to be super-stealthy. Like the time I infilitrated my school.
...You had to infiltrate your school?
ARTICUNO ran away!


Setting: First Class

ARTICUNO: Hah, the security in here so sucks.
*ARTICUNO was kicked by STEWARDESS (No ticket no entry)

Setting: Back where the non-paying losers have to sit

Well, there goes the guy to the left...
RANULE: I have Kirby pr0n
...
RANULE: Didn't you hear me? Kirby pr0n. That means pr0n, you know. Like pr0n.
...Er, perhaps I shouldn't ask, but isn't Kirby already, you know, naked?
RANULE: I can get you some...
Oh joy...HEY GUYS, ANY OF YOU WANT TO MOVE OVER HERE? THERE'S COFFEE!
I'm good.
CAPTAIN: Urrh, this is your captain speaking, we're currently flying over Bulgaria...if you look out your left window, you'll see the Kirby pr0n convention...
RANULE: w00t!
CAPTAIN: Urrh...there is no w00ting in coach...
RANULE: Looks like my stop!
TRAPDOOR used OPEN!
Shouldn't he, like...be using a parachute?
We had to pay for the airplane for this scene, we didn't have the money for parachutes.
Sure we did, the-
I SAID WE HAVE NO PARACHUTES.
Ok then.
He's probably the guest of honor, they'd have some sort of obscenely-shaped bouncy castle for him to land on.
STEWARDESS: Peanuts?
...you have any coffee-flavoured ones?
STEWARDESS: We have plain and honey-roasted.
I like the roasted part, but I'm not too sure about the honey...
STEWARDESS: *sigh* Why do I have to serve these weirdos?
CHARGON: Hey, woman!
CHARGON: Now, we both know that the food on this flight is the sort you wouldn't feed to the rats you cooked for main course, so I'm just going to have a b33r.
STEWARDESS: Uh...b33r? Oh, you mean beer.
CHARGON: No, b33r. With the 3s.
STEWARDESS: And anything for the hunky slice of man beside you?
JIN: No, I'm good, as I'm sure you've noticed.
STEWARDESS: He spoke! To me! Oh, I feel faint...
Critical hit!
STEWARDESS fainted!
CHARGON: Dude, she was just about to get me b33r.
JIN: But you're sitting next to Jin, what more could you need?
CHARGON: b33r.
Well, thankfully we're not as weird as those freaks behind us.
COFFEE! COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!
CAPTAIN: Urrh, this is your captain speaking, we're now flying over New Zea...nevermind, it's gone.
Oh great, we're doing the 'make fun of the country I come from' thing again.
CAPTAIN: Urrh, this is your captain speaking. We're now serving Eggos to everyone but that stupid New Zealander, let's all laugh and point at him now.
I hate everything.
HAUNTER: Oh, stewardess?
MATT: I think she fainted...
HAUNTER: Oh, well, if this was Star Trek, then blah blah blah blah sci-fi crap blah blah blah blah blah 7 of 9 blah blah blah actually awake and completely okay.
MATT: I can't believe I come from the same country as you.
Is it just me or are we trying to set everyone together in little groups?
So, what does that make you and me then?
How about the loser group on the other side of the aisle from the cool New Zealander with the witty and clever lines?
...sounds about right, actually...
CAPTAIN: Urrh, this is your captain speaking...
WE KNOW ALREADY!
CAPTAIN: ...urrh...
You're becoming more cliched than our coffee jokes.
CAPTAIN: urrh...*sob*

Scene: Luggage Compartment

KATE: Looks like I went through the X-ray system undetected...
KATE'S SKELETON shines HAZILY in the DARK!
KATE: Only two hours until radiation poisoning begins to take effect...
NARRATOR wonders why you're always FOLLOWING the webmasters AROUND!
KATE: Toby has a GameCube that doubles as a coffee maker.
...Only in Storm Version...er, NARRATOR still thinks that's just a WEAK EXCUSE for there to be an ANTAGONIST!
KATE: Eh, whatever works.

Setting: Non-paying loser seats

CAPTAIN: Urrh, this is your captain speaking. Well it IS!
Fine, let's just get this over with...
CAPTAIN: Urrh, we are now flying over Aspen air space..
METALMIKE: NO SPACE!
CAPTAIN: Urrh...
METALMIKE: Please, continue.
CAPTAIN: urrh...forget it, this plane is landing, I hope you all die.
Finally, this scene has gone on waaaaaaay too long!
COFFEE!
CANNED LAUGHTER appeared!
SCENE ended on a HIGH NOTE!

Setting: Terminal

Isn't that a font?
Gee, you can't tell we don't get out much.
Come on guys, let's lighten up! We're in beautiful Aspen! Look at the snow! And the...snow!
Look, the snow over there is whiter than the snow next to it!
You just don't get this kind of entertainment staying inside.
Isn't this the stuff that comes on TV when you can't get the station up?
We can't think about this now, we have to get to training! Now, I brought a PS2, there should be some games on here with just the type of learning material we need...
SSX?
I was thinking FFX.
Hm...I thought this thing might be a bit Tricky...
Nah, that's snow problem.
Ah, so we're going to do that thing where we end a battle on a pun?
...Well, we WERE. Damnit, now I have to think of another one...
If we try really hard, I think we can win...ter.
How about, instead of ending on a pun, we end on me and you beating down Kite?
What an unusually good idea.
TOBY and DUO want to fight!
...END PLEASE?!

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Recap: In the previous episode of Storm Version, we left our heroes in Aspen, about to participate in some kind of X-Games thing, which is something Kite thought up and I'm just playing along with. Ho hum.

Battle 37: My Name Is Kite, and I Have a Driving Problem
Date: March 26th, 2002
Author: Toby, Kite, Duo
Setting: Terminal

Alright, we're here, now to get to our cabin!
How are we supposed to ge there?
Oh, I rented us a car.
But the only one of us who can drive is...
KITE grins EVILLY!
You know, I don't think it'd be that hard for me to figure out..
What, you guys don't trust me?
Nope.
Not in the least.
Glad you guys have such great confidence in me -_-
Bah, fine. You go get the car, we'll get the luggage.
We brought luggage?
You know, the coffee machine and the 10 pound bags of coffee.
Oh, so we packed light?

5 minutes later...

KITE used DRIVE!
CAR kept on going...
and crashed into ENEMY FIREHYDRANT!
It's super effective!
FIREHYDRANT fainted!
CAR gained 1409 exp.
What? CAR is evolving!
CAR evolved into convertable!
...this sounds alot like blue version...
SSH!
TOBY and DUO appear in FULL ARMOR dragging 10 POUND BAGS of COFFEE and COFFEE MACHINE!
We were going to get some of those kevlar body suits as well, but we thought we should show you a little of that "trust" stuff you kept spouting.
Alright, everyone in the car! We have to get going!
We're going, we're going..
KITE punches the GAS!
Buckle your seatbelt, Toby, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
But the road is straight, Duo.
CAR swerves maniacally!
Hey look, isn't that the Kite-eating-tree?
KITE shrieks and looks for the TREE!
NO! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, PLEASE KITE!
Ahhh, but it's winter, nothing to worry about..the Kite-eating-tree is dormant!
RENTED CAR STORM-MOBILE VII suddenly passed through NEW ZEALAND, where it's SUMMER!
KITE-EATING-TREE is awake!
KITE drove away scared!
Well Duo? What do you have to say about that?
I just have one question...what happened to the other 6 Storm-Mobiles?
Kite did.
I think Kite had something to do with the loss of the dodo.
Actually, that was what happened to Storm Mobile 3.
Ah, here we are!
LOUD BOOMING NOISE appeares!
What was that?
I think we broke the speed of sound.
Yeah, Kite breaks a lot of things when he drives...
KITE stops INCHES from the CABIN!
I just saw my life flash before my eyes...man I drank alot of coffee.
I think that was one of Kite's better rides.
CAR falls apart!
...delayed reaction?
Let's just grab the coffee and get to our rooms.
What coffee?
The...coffee we brought with us?
Oh, that. I drank it.
You drank the whole thing in the car ride over here?
...eh, I was pacing myself.

Setting: Lounge

Great practice you guys!
Yeah, I think I really got a hang of it. I just hope we don't get any Blue Screens of Death during tomorrow's competition.
Those controllers are real heavy too. It's really helping my strength training!
Think we should have mentioned the fact that we've been playing XBOX?
Nah, after a while every line becomes an XBOX joke.
You might say our jokes are crossing the line.
You know what makes me feel better at 10 pm after a full day of training? Coffee.
Right, where's the coffee?
Yeah, we went a whole 5 lines with no coffee jokes, we're off the ball
If only we could make a line with both an X-Box AND a coffee joke...man that would rule.
Sounds like a challenge.
TOBY is getting pumped!
TOBY used PUN!
You know, everyone says that XBOXs suck, but I bet they don't own consoles that can boot in an instant...coffee.
It's not very effective!
...
Hey, I thought it was pretty good!
We hated it the instant you said it.
You might say I was awfully bean to make a pun.
You might also say that I'm going to smack you 'round the head with my XBOX controller.
Nah, I can't see that happening...not for an instant...
KITE used XBOX CONTROLLER THWAP!
But it failed!
...Damnit...can't lift the stupid thing...
Why don't we settle this with a game of Halo?
Well, I think the answer is obvious. Because I'd rather drive a nail through my head. Lord knows that hurt enough the first time.
Wait, you've sidetracked me with puns. I realize, of course, that you must be satan spawn, because we came here for coffee.
Sidetracked? I suppose you could say you lost your train of thought.

Player: Kate

They're coming this way! I gotta hide! Oh, wait...
KATE hides in PLAIN VIEW!
I'm standing next to a coffee machine. This area doesn't even exist to them.
Oooh, coffee! Notice how I'm focussing on nothing but the machine, almost certainly oblivious to anything next to it!
Hey, this is perfect. We've got coffee, an X-Box, and .. wait a second.. Kite, you know what we're missing?
10 playmates and a jacuzzi?
Well, maybe if we combined the jacuzzi and the coffee...but, no, I was thinking more along the lines of slow-moving crappy plot and big giant explosions.
Red Version?
No, DBZ silly.
Hmn...and Goku's been powering up that spirit bomb for the last 8 months, this should be interesting...
Well, I know little of DBZ outside of how to successfully make fun of it in a humourous way, but eight months is probably powerful enough to like, grate a small block of cheese. Needs much longer, I would think.
But, okay, you guys go lose some IQ points, I think I'm going to that coffee shop I heard about, they actually have a flavor I've never tried before!
Right, let's go.
STORM WEBMASTERS ran away!
Hmn, I've got to stop them from winning the X Games tomorrow...
Why?
You know, bad plot devices and all that.
How did you find out about them even BEING in the X Games?
...you're asking me to repeat myself?
Yes.
Well, one day the Storm webmasters said they were in the X-Games.
Right.
And I was there at the time.
...That's it?
Yes.
Anyway, the post of 'evil villain to be thwarted by heroes in hilarious perfection' is open for this battle, and I need all the work I can get.
Character psychology is so fascinating.
I'll bet. Anyway, I've got to consult this book - need a plan to foil the webmasters tomorrow. Or rather, 'look like it's going to foil them, but doesn't work at the last minute'.
KATE holds up EVIL VILLAINY FOR DUMMIES!
I got Volume 344556.
...Guide to the Evil Infiltration of the Disused Gymnasium in South-West Calcutta?
...Uh, no, the Guide to the Foiling of Possible Victors of the Winter X-Games 2002...
But that's Volume 344557, si-er, Kate.
Whatever. Anyway, let's take a look..."Step One: Purchase nuclear bomb from Russia. Step Two: Drop on site of Winter X-Games."
...Is there a step three?
Uh, yea..."Point and laugh at remains."
Well, I don't think you have the money to purchase even a non-nuclear bomb.
Right...guess I'll have to come up with my own plan.

Several hours later...

Setting: Course Track Thing

KATE lugs in GIANT BILLBOARD!
...What are you going to do with that?
Turns out Folgers is sponsoring the X-Games - I borrowed this.
KATE erects GIANT FOLGERS BILLBOARD in the middle of COURSE TRACK THING!
Heh. I've replaced their course with a Folgers billboard. Let's see if they notice...

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Battle 38: Where Evil Decaf Makes Shriveled Hands Unclean
Date: April 14th, 2002
Author: Toby

Setting: Aspen Hotel, Room 432

Okay, come on guys, get up.
TOBY is fast asleep!
DUO is fast asleep!
Ah, I expected this.
KITE used BUCKET!
DUO and TOBY were SPLASHED with COLD WATER!
WATER doesn't have any effect on COFFEE-TYPE webmasters!
Hm, something stronger is required...
KITE used BUCKET!
DUO and TOBY were SPLASHED with COLD DECAF!
HOLY INSTANT ESPRESSO!
Aaah! It's staining my soul!
I'm melting! I'm melting!
MELODRAMA has no effect on SLACKER-TYPE webmasters!
You heard the voice. Up, up, up - got to win those games, you know.
Just why do we have to win? We've already sampled the best Folgers has to offer!
Dude, if we win, Folgers might tell us their ultimate secret!
Ultimate...secret?
Haven't you ever wondered where Folgers gets all its coffee from?
Uh, they make it?
Fools! A substance so great as coffee could not be made by human hands! They must obtain it from another, natural, even magical source...
You mean...
The Land of Infinite Coffee!
REALISATION struck!
Ow!

Player: Kate
Setting: Temporary Prefab for the Purposes of Evil Planning, former site of Secluded Area for the Purposes of Evil Planning

Ah, I see the construction is complete.
FOREMAN: I still don't know why you couldn't be happy with the Secluded Area. Why, I bet evil villains have used it since the T-Games.
...the T-Games?
FOREMAN: You know, after that it was the U-Games, the V-Games, the W-Games, and now we've got the X-Games.
It never just happened to occur to you that they're called the X-Games because it's short for 'extreme games'?
FOREMAN: Don't be silly; extreme begins with an E.
...That is a point. Anyway, I needed a proper building because more often than not the hero's sidekick is making the Area rather Unsecluded, if you know what I mean.
FOREMAN: Yea. Heh heh heh.
You don't, do you?
FOREMAN: Well...no.
I mean the Good Guys are spying on us. You know, espionage. Anyway, something with walls prevents anyone from seeing in and knowing my secret plans.
FOREMAN: Then why did you install that window?
Needed the light, electricity is so expensive these days.
FOREMAN: But a Hero Sidekick could easily spy through that window...like one is doing now...
Bah! O.O
It's that monoetymolic sheep with green text!
Bah! :D
But wait...didn't it become a narrator or something?
PLOTHOLE appeared!
PLOTHOLE begins to suck objects out of the room!
Aaah! Okay, okay, it was a perfectly flawless plot with no inconsistencies whatsoever!
PLOTHOLE closed!
GREEN-TEXT-SHEEP remains!
So the GTS is the webmasters' sidekick, eh? Gone from neutral to the side of Good, eh? Not being my friend when all along he REALLY wasn't my friend, eh?
FOREMAN: If I say yes, will you stop saying 'eh'?
GREEN-TEXT-SHEEP prepares to RUN for it!
Right, I'll get the little bugger...we'll see how much Bahing he does when I'm finished with him!
KATE used LUNGE!
GREEN-TEXT-SHEEP used SIDEKICK!
KATE was KICKed in the SIDE!
GREEN-TEXT-SHEEP ran away!
Ow! My spleen!

Setting: Aspen Central Café

Ah, nothing like 5348292 cups of coffee to start the day.
This café was warned of our arrival...preparations were made to deal with our appetite for caffeinated beverages...
I think, you know, the rest of the TOWN might have informed them.
Nonsense, they were too busy admiring us.
I don't think they were admiring us...more like, staring in morbid fascination.
DUO points to outside!
SIGN is being hung up!
SIGN reads "See The Amazing Coffee Freaks - Can Drink Five Thousand Average Addicts Worth in One Morning, yet still go into a Frenzy over One Sip"
I didn't know signs could read, hm...

Setting: Amazing Coffee Freak-O-Palace, Formerly Aspen Central Café

Aww, they even named it after us.
Yea, I hear there were some problems with the Aspen Council Branch of Name-Changing - apparently they thought Aspen Central Café was an absolutely impeccable name. But they soon changed their minds after seeing us.
GREEN-TEXT-SHEEP appeared!
Hey, wasn't there something about a narrator, and-
PLOTHOLE appeared!
You know, I've just forgotten what I was going to say. Good job, as it was not important or correct in any way.
PLOTHOLE closed!
Bah!
We just have to sort out this monoetymolic thing.
Bah!!
Regardless, I think he's trying to tell us something.
Bah :)
What's that?
Bah?
Timmy fell down a well?
...
JOKE was OVER-USED!
DUO was KICKED IN THE HEAD!
Don't worry everyone, I brought along something that might help.
TOBY kicks TRANSLATOR!
TRANSLATOR breaks!
...It always works for Red Version...
You have to have a masterful Narrator kick. Here, watch.
NARRATOR kicks TRANSLATOR!
TRANSLATOR is FIXED, and turns ON!
Oh, for I am verily irritable, for I hath spied our true foes plotting things of much evil with one another, so evil that like a small sheep running towards some webmasters to inform them of evil plotting against them, I ran towards these webmasters to inform them of evil plotting against them, and verily I spoke such that a onomatopoeic expression was coupled with a much silly looking text-face and was at once usel->
You sure that kick fixed it?
It must be stuck on Flowery Speech mode...hang on.
TOBY flips SWITCHES!
Bach! x.x
Famous Musicians mode...
TOBY flips SWITCHES!
Bahrain!
Countries of the World mode...
TOBY flips FINAL SWITCH!
Hi!
Hurray!
GREEN-TEXT-SHEEP begins explaining RECENT EVENTS in DETAIL!

Setting: Temporary Prefab for the Purposes of Evil Planning

Ah, my collaborator, you have finally arrived. Be silent, as I think the writer wants to conceal your identity for the purposes of an exciting plot.
COLLABORATOR: Dingle?
Oh, excellent.
COLLABORATOR was renamed DITTO!
Ah well. It can't be helped.
DITTO removes UNNEEDED HOOD!
I'm well aware of your earlier attempt at foiling the webmasters, and I am very impressed.
DITTO: As I recall you were drinking in a café and making fun of me at the time.
Yes, well, all decaf under the bridge now.
DITTO: Indeed. I understand the success of this Evil Plot may bring a substantial amount of coffee to those Evil Villains responsible for such a success.
Indeed. As you no doubt know, Folgers obtains its coffee from the Land of Infinite Coffee. My henchman is working on the location of this land, under the false promise that I will give him a lot of b33r.
DITTO: I hesitate in mentioning this, knowing that plotholes are a common appearance in this battle, but wasn't the Land of Infinite Coffee discovered in an earlier battle?
An easy mistake to make - in fact that was but a supply taken from the Land and stored where it was found and released into the ocean by those that we must foil today. The real Land is almost discovered by my henchman, but he requires more time - time he will not have if Folgers reveals the Land's location to the Storm Webmasters.
DITTO: Then we must ensure they do not win the X-Games, or even the Y-Games. Here is what I propose...
DITTO reveals PLAN!

Setting: SS b33r
Player: Captain Chargon

4rr, this is the life for me, indeed.
CHARGON's CELL-PHONE begins to BLEEP!
KATE: Ah, Chargon, I see you have not yet found my coffee. What, pray tell, is halting your success?
Running this ship by myself is hard, although killing the rest of the crew WAS my only option.
KATE: And what did they do to deserve such a fate?
They did not show true devotion to swords, and, more importantly, b33r.
KATE: Ah, well, be advised that I will need my coffee on board as soon as possible - and be prepared to defend yourself against anyone looking for the same item as yourself.
Of course. I am guided by the glory that is b33r, the strength that is a really big sword.
KATE: Yes, yes, indeed. Get back to work.
PHONE went CLICK!
4rr, the evil villain does not know the ways of b33r...but her promise to give me infinite b33r saves her from being stabbed a lot.
LAND appears!
Ah, this might just be the place. There remains but one thing to do.
CHARGON runs to the BOW, clutching SWORD and B33R and SCREAMING to the HEAVENS!
CH444444444444RG3!