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Battle #6: Have
you suffered any childhood trauma?
Date: January 16, 2001
Location: Crimson Psychiatry Inc.
Author: Sheep
Player: Dr. Crimson
Right then. What seems to be the trouble, Mister...Dent?
Well, you see-hey, where'd this spiffy green text come from?
Webmasters bought it on special. Came with a set of steak knives, you know.
Ah, I see. Anyway, my problem.
Yes, just let it all out. Go on.
Well...you see...there was...I was a character in a version that got blown up and I was killed three times and two times were being snapped in half by a giant puff thing and the other time I got erased and now I'm back in some terribly unpopular version with very little readers and I'll probably only be here for one battle anyway!
...it's a good job I'm not one of those psychiatrists that take notes...
Can you help me?
Of course I can.
CRIMSON puts on FALSE SMILE!
...it doesn't really help me if you TELL them it's false, does it?
You're a great idol to Narrators you know. I just wanted to be one of the few to piss you off.
Ah.
Anyway, Mr. Dent, I'm pretty sure I can help you.
Oh good! What medication are you giving me?
A new kind, actually. I shall demonstrate.
Carol!
SECRETARY: "Yes, Dr. Crimson?"
You suck.
CAROL flew across the room in pain!
MARK DENT feels overwhelmed with joy!
Now, you know that puff that snapped you in half once?
Twice, actually.
Er...right, twice then. Anyway, think of him for me.
Okay.
He sucks.
MARK DENT fell off his chair in pleasure!
And you hear that Narrator?
Yes?
He sucks too.
NARRATOR is SPEECHLESS!
...that's your idea of speechless?
Yes.
You suck.
...
That's better.
I can't thank you enough doctor! You've changed my life!
Oh, don't worry about that. Just leave your money on the desk on your way out.
MARK DENT left!
Ah, another client satisfied. Carol, do I have any important appointments this afternoon?
CAROL: "Er...there's a Mr. J. Ross at two, apparently he's ready to hang himself after your comment on one of his "pokey-battles"
Good lord, it isn't the Beavis and Butthead one, is it?
CAROL: "No...that one's tomorrow, at five"
Ah, 'tis a busy life I lead. Pop down to the coffee shop would you Carol?
CAROL: "Certainly doctor"
Oh, and don't go to that one on the corner, will you?
CAROL: "Why not?"
It sucks, of course.
CAROL: "I'll put its manager down for Wednesday at four..."
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Battle #7:
Starring Ditto
Date:
January 20, 2000
Location:
Ditto36's Closet
Author:
Duo
Player:
Ditto36
DITTO is in CLOSET!
..Uh..
DITTO used UH!
DITTO says "..Uh.."
DITTO doesn't know what to WEAR!
..Uh.. o_O
Ja?
DITTO used JA!
DITTO picked out JAMAICAN SHIRT!
Va.
DITTO used VA!
DITTO picked out Bavarian Cream Filled Pants
DITTO likes DONUTS too much!
Ooooh... Shiny Donut thingy!
DITTO used EAT!
o_O
DITTO ATE PANTS!
..Uh..
PANTS were fully EATEN!
Ditto Saltwater Taffy! Er..
DITTO was instantly TELEPORTED to OCEAN!
Location: Ocean
DITTO used SALTWATER TAFFY!
TAFFY came out of the OCEAN in DITTO!
TAFFY is HUGE!
UH? OH!
OCEAN greatly fell..
..Uh..?
...on DITTO!
DONUT!!!! Er... OCEAN!!!!
DITTO is REACHING for SOMETHING in his PANTS...
...POCKET!
O_o;
DITTO got out WORMS2 CD!
DITTO is going BACK to his HOUSE in the BIG CITY!
Location: STORM VERSION STAFF ROOM MEETING PLACE THINGY
I want to play Worms 2!
Borrow my CD.
Ok, thanks ^_^
No problem.
Location: Big City
SHEEP appeared!
ALL HAIL...uh...GRAPE JELLO!
SHEEP is SHEEP....in the BIG CITY! (Yes.. You saw it coming from a million miles away.. It was so terribly unfunny you just couldn't laugh. Now you're going to laugh........because I command you to. LAUGH. LAUGH YOUR FAT OR SOMEONE LARGE REAR ENDS OFF! LAUGH!!!! MUAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH- Ok, I'll stop...)
Sheepo Keepo, W2W2W2?
DITTO wants to FIGHT!
SHEEP wants to FIGHT!
Get'm DONUTS #23098!
DITTO sent out DONUTS #23098!
Um. Heh heh. I chose ... hm... I have to pick one of Duo's stupid teams... he's got nothing but stupid teams here.. Go loco!
SHEEP sent out LOCO!
DONUT-FILLED DONUT used JUMP!
Yay! Jump!! JUMP! JUMP!!!
DONUT-FILLED DONUT is JUMPING up and DOWN!
DONUT is JUMPING on WATER!
O_O; How?
DONUT-FILLED DONUT used SINK!
What? DONUT-FILLED DONUT is evolving!
Oooooooooooooooh! Shiny Donut evolve thingy!
DONUT-FILLED DONUT evolved into WATER-FILLED DONUT!
x_x
Yay.
WATER-FILLED DONUT tests the WATER! [Water-filled Donut fell into the water]
WATER-FILLED DONUT fainted!
Send out next WORM?
Yes.
Ok.
...
...
...Donut.
...DITTO sent out a DEFAULT DONUT!
........Uh...
Heh heh heh.
LOCO is up!
CRAZY used ROPELIKEANIDIOT!
RAZY is SLEEPING with the FISHIES! [Crazy fell into the water]
LMAO
CRAZY fainted!
Send out next WORM?
Go Crazierest!
SHEEP sent out CRAZIEREST!
DEFAULT DONUT hatches a DEFAULT PLAN! [It's Default Donut's turn]
Uh. Use Minigun.
DEFAULT DONUT used MINIGUN!
MINIGUN's POWER SETTINGS were on MAXIMUM!
LEVEL was DESTROYED!
COMPUTER used EXPLODE!
...Uh....
BAA!
BIG CITY SANK like the TITANIC! [Big City fell into the water]
ACK
SHEEP used RUN!
Got away safely!
WATER used HYDRO PUMP!
DITTO was KILLED!
BATTLE was DECLARED a DRAW!
Location: Storm Version Meeting place thingy
So we killed off Ditto.
What'd ya think I was gonna make it do?
That was good, Duo.
CrimsonKing: "Actually, it sucked."
GUARDS!
CrimsonKing: "It sucks to be you!"
GAURDS ARRESTED CRIMSONKING!
CRIMSONKING was SENTENCED to LIFE!
This sentence is about life and it's very long and it has Crimson King in it... which, come to think of it, is in this sentence about life; Right here, that is (Crimson King is here, see?), and this sentence will go on for the rest of Crimson King's life...(If you are Crimson King,
Click Here)
Bye CrimsonKing.
Baahahahahaha!
*** CrimsonKing was kicked from #battle (Arrested (Police (Trespassing on private property.)))
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Battle #8: The Webmasters Guide to Hiring Someone - A Trilogy in Three Parts
Part One: The Meeting Room at the End of the Universe Date: 25th, January, 01 Author: Sheep
DUO! Where's my coffee?!
GET YOU'RE OWN BLOODY COFFEE! I'M WATCHING DRAGONBALL Z! GOKU JUST
FRIED SOMETHING! AGAIN!
LAZY WEBMASTER! YOU
DON'T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE! IT'S A WONDER I DON'T JUST...KICK YOU
OUT!
OH YEA?! YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO KICK ME
OUT! I SHOULD KICK YOU OUT!
...what have I told you guys about using caps?
SHUT UP!
ARE YOU TELLING ME TO
SHUT UP?!
NO!
LISTEN! WE HAVE TO STOP ARGUING!
STOP SHOUTING THEN!
MY CAPS LOCK
KEY IS STUCK!
I'M THE ONE WHO'S
WRITING!
TAKE CAPS LOCK OFF THEN!
OKAY!
AH, THIS IS MUCH-HEY! IT'S
STILL ON!
SORRY!
Right, let's see-ah, good.
Right.
Obviously, we can't go on
like this.
Yes, all the
shouting...
...and use of the caps lock
key...
SHUT
UP!
...
Okay, there's only one solution to this...
...yes, we'll have to...
...GET A
NEW WEBMASTER!
...you two have no idea how
horribly cheesy that sounded, do you?
SHUT
UP!
Two days later...
Ah, yes, you say you
used to be a compulsive eater?
CANDIDATE: "Still
am!"
And you once
designed a character that, whenever it did something, did it
'cutely'?
CANDIDATE:
"Yep."
And you're obsessed with a certain
number?
CANDIDATE: "Totally obsessed."
We're sorry, but you're not what
we're looking for.
CANDIDATE cried as he left!
Well,
that's our last candidate...guess we might be out of luck...
Hmm...perhaps we don't really need a new Webmaster...
You're joking! Who will get my coffee?
The next day...
Hmm...lucky we found this next
one...
Yes, he's due in in 5
minutes.
CANDIDATE entered!
Ah! Got up early
for the interview, eh?
CANDIDATE: "Got
up?"
Er...yes, anyway. What can you tell us about yourself?
CANDIDATE: "Well...there isn't a lot to tell, really. But I
do enjoy killing off extras."
You do? Brilliant!
CANDIDATE: "Yes, it's been my hobby
for a while now."
Here, have some green
text.
Ah, thank you.
Now, in order for you
to fit in here, you'll need to work with us. Let me introduce you to
She-
*yawn*
I'm sorry, are we boring you?
No, it's just I didn't get much
sleep last night...or the night before...or the night before that...or the
night-
We get the point.
Ah yes, now, it says here you-good LORD! You're application
is bleeding!
Yes, everything bleeds, you know.
Ah, yet another brilliant aspect of
you, Mister...?
Ma-
'Like a drink?
Uh...please, yes.
What
do you want? Beer, coke, orange ju-
ORANGE
JUICE!
Er...right.
SHEEP left to the fridge!
Now, I'm VERY sorry about this, but
if you were to join up with us...you'd have to get rid of your Mélissa
character.
Oh? Why?
Well...it seems she's escaping Flame and coming here, to badger my
co-webmaster.
Badger him?
There's no other word for it.
I see...I guess I shouldn't have
brought her with me then...
You did WHAT?!
SHEEP came back!
Ah yes, there's your orange juice, I hope it's good,
and-ah! NO! NOT HER!
MéLISSA:
SHEEPY!
AAAAH!
Run Sheep! Move! She's right behind you!
...why is she running
after him?
He didn't think she was kawaii.
Oh, well, that should wear off in a
few-
He
said she was ugly.
RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! SHE'S IN A FRENZY!
Several hours
later...
Matt! You saved
us!
It was easy.
It is my pleasure to welcome you to this versions
staff.
Thank you, and may I say I'm really looking forward to working at
Aqua!
Aqua?!
Yes, Aqua. You're Sabrina, right?
...
...
Of course you are.
Hey, I was thinking. Are you free tonight? Cos I know this great place where we
could-
GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!
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Battle #9: The Webmaster's Guide to Hiring Someone - A Trilogy in Three Parts
Part Two: No need for l337 Date: 31st January, 2001 Author: Duo Player: Sir Chargon
P.S I don't wanna here any shint from any readers about my not so good l337.. so if it bothers you then you suck... haha, you suck! :) -Author
Alright, so much for bloody Flame Version Matt
thingy.
Duo, do you think we should call in the next
applicant?
...Duo?
DUO is playing WORMS
ARMAGEDDON DEMO!
Just great!
Can you get him,
Narrator?
DUO clicked QUIT!
POPUP
appeared!
POPUP: Sorry, this is not a feature of the Demo.
What the bloody hell kinda demo is that!? It doesn't let you
QUIT!?!?!
HELP ME!
SIR CHARGON appeared!
..Are you the next applicant?
Urr|-|?
...
1'm l337 m4n! 1'm |-|3r3 70 54\/3 |)u0!
O_o;
SIR CHARGON is l337!
DUO
used CTRL+ESCAPE!
It isn't very effective!
1'll |-|3lp!
SIR CHARGON unplugged DUO's
COMPUTER!
DUO's COMPUTER fainted!
...!?
DUO's COMPUTER
RESTARTED!
Oh,
thanks..I think.
ASCII
appeared!
ASCII: /V\Ë®®¥ Ç|-|®î§t/V\å§
SHEEP shileds EYES!
MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!! AGHHHH!!
j00
\/\/1ll 83 |)3|)! 1 \/\/1ll |<1ll j00 \/\/17|-| /\/\Y 5UP3R10|2
5|<1llZ!
SIR CHARGON
puts on his CUSTOM "j00 |>3|> p|-|00" T-SHIRT!
ASCII: î Ðöñ't ñËËÐ å
§þËÇîå| §Hî®t, ßËÇåµ§Ë î'|| kî|| ¥öµ ËîtHË® wå¥.
\/\/153 45(11, 4R3 j00? \/\/3ll j00
83 |>3|>.
This is getting weird... their
voices seem scrambled... as if they are in a different language.
Almost like a cow, eh?
...
You're
acting stupid today.
I know..I think. Hey, what
day is it today?
Today is..um-
17'5 \/\/3|)|\|35|)4Y.
ASCII: ñö, ît'§ tHµ®§Ðå¥.
...4lR16|-|7, l37'5 |=16|-|7,
45(11!
ASCII: ß®îñg ît
öñ!!
SIR CHARGON wants to FIGHT!
ASCII wants to FIGHT!
NARRATOR thinks
this BATTLE will be STUPID!
It will
be.
What's the point? Chargon will win, isn't it
obvious?
|-|3|-|!
ASCII: wHåt måk˧ ¥öµ §ö §µ®Ë?
What'd it say?
Don't bother
trying to pronounce it...
..you might implode.
Check this out, Duo!
SHEEP OF
DOOM has TURPENTINE!
TURPENTINE: WARNING! If swallowed, can be harmful or
FATAL, combustable.
DUO is playing with TURPENTINE!
PU7 7|-|47 |)0\/\/|\|,
p|-|00.
Hehe! It smells
funny!
O_o;
SIR
CHARGON is a little THIRSTY!
1'll 83 R16|-|7 84(|<, 45(11, 50 \/\/3 (4|\|
8477l3.
ASCII: Hµ®®¥ µþ
îÐJît.
HEH.
SIR
CHARGON returned with BOTTLED WATER!
DUO accidentally SPLASHED TURPENTINE in
CHARGON'S BOTTLE!
SIR CHARGON didn't NOTICE this!
ASCII: wåtÇH
tHî§..
Uh-oh.
I see
where this is going.
\/\/|-|47 4R3 j00 74l|<1|\|6 480U7?
..nothing.
Heh heh.
4lR16|-|7, 50|\/|3
600|) 0l3 |-|20! ^^
SIR
CHARGON used DRINK!
SIR CHARGON DRANK BOTTLED WATER!
What? SIR CHARGON is
COMBUSTING!
SIR CHARGON COMBUSTED into PILE OF SIR CHARGON!
ASCII: î gµË§§
î wîñ.
JASON ROSS appeared!
JASON ROSS: Kick Warning -- Excessive use of
ASCII
What? Heya Jason!
Jason...you updating the network?
ASCII: wHåt å®Ë ¥öµ tå|kîñg
åßöµt?
*** ASCII was KICKED from #storm by JASON ROSS (Excessive use of
ASCII)
JASON ROSS
wins!
HA!
GOOD
JOB!
All hail... JASON!
DITTO: All hail..DONUT! ^_^;
Where'd
he come from?
His mother's womb.
But Dittos are Genderless.
Then... wait a sec... O_O;;
Alright... so much for Sir Chargon as an
applicant..
JASON ROSS: I gotta get goin', see you
Storm Version!
See ya.
Bye Jason.
JASON ROSS disappears in a CLOUD of..
..RSACI.
o_o;
Heh.
Bring in the next
applicant.
Okay, come in
Miste-
Player: Co-Webmaster Applicant
I'm here to apply for a job as a Pokebattles Storm Version
Co-Webmaster.
Alright,
first off...
Have you owned previously or
currently own a pokebattles website?
Yes..in
matter of fact I own-
Thank you, we will now put
you through a few tests in which your life-force may flicker for a few
seconds.
Um..is this safe?
Of course. We just have to see if
you are Storm Version material.
APPLICANT was put into LARGE CONTAINER OF JELLY-LIKE
SUBSTANCE!
DOOR on CONTAINER was CLOSED!
Hm...
the screen says he must always have a plotline...hn...
I hate plots. I guess we could deal with it, right?
It also reads that he...
TO BE
CONTINUED...
Epilogue Author:
Sheep
Hmm...this candidate passed the tests,
Duo.
With flying colours...
There's no other applicants left...
He will be train-er...a webmaster then?
It's no good. He's too old.
Wha?
Er..oops, must have lost
concentration there.
Uh huh.
Well, I think he could be a powerful asset to our
team.
I agree.
But,
when he wakes up, he won't remember any of this.
Huh?!
Ugh, sorry again. Not fully
awake today.
Right...
DOOMP-Er...WEBMASTER IS
COMING!
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Battle #10: The Webmasters Guide to Hiring Someone - A Trilogy in Three Parts
Part Three: The Big Finale Date: 12th, February, 01 Author: Mr. Kite
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