Battle #23: And Every Website Must Die
Date: May 27th, 2001
Author: Duo 'n' Sheep 'n' Kite - the whole shebang

Setting: Newly built Storm Version Revolution Meeting Hall
Player: Ditto36

View/Post Feedback on this battle

DITTO steps up to the LECTURN!
Lecturn? Oooh. Sounds tasty.
DITTO eats LECTURN!
It's super tasty!
STORM IDIOTS THE WEBMASTERS TORMENT FOR LAUGHS are listening!
..zzz?
CHARACTERS, nit!
Ahem. Before I begin, I would like to thank Kate, for the donut she's about to give me. Yoink!
HEY! THAT WAS COFFEECOATED!
yes, eating that donut was like how the Storm Webmasters are treating us, unfair.
Although, this donut is rather tasty...
...I'll need more food for demonstrating.

Five Minutes Later...

Perhaps it is no coincedence that today is a day of no relevance...dingle. But this time we aren't fighting nothing whatsoever...moo, we're fighting for our...Zzz, what was it again? Oh, right...

Two hours later...

Characterkind will not go quietly into the archives! We will make a lemonadestand! We're going to BITE! Mmm. We're going to survive! For today, is our...What's the date? Hang on, I'll just check my watch...

Five donut breaks later...

Zzz.z.zzzzzzZZzZz.....ZZzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..zZz...zzz......ZZz...Uh..?...Zz.z...What?...K....W:A? DUPO! WAKE ...Zzz.. UP!...zZzz.....
Zzz? Er...okay. Anyway, just go and do something, or something. Zzz. ...And remember, DONUTS ARE GOOD! Oooh, pink icing.
Now, when I call your name, say "Yes", "Here", or "Donut". No, wait, just say "Donut"...
Anita Bath!
Ocean Version!
...Hey, these people don't exist!
Gah. Okay, I think I'm into the real characters now.
Bill Hodgkins! Oh, crap. Another prankname.
No, that's me!
...didn't you die.....or something?...zzz...
No, you people just forgot about me. Remember, I'm that guy!
zzz, right, extra.
Well, you should be down the back, then. And from now on, your name is 'Extra'.
But-
No buts. Clearly we would've noticed you if you were of any importance.
Okay, next on the list is...Didit?! WHAT?! Okay, who wrote this list...
EXTRA: Uh...well, Mr Grape Jello sir, I wrote it...
Speak up, solder...character.
EXTRA: I'm rael sorry, sea, I'm Mr Kite's dyslexia, and, um, I don't write that well, yuo sea...
Yea, shaddap. Next is...Super Mario Brothus? Another dyslexia victim?
MARIO: Yo!
Luigi: WAZZAP?!
WAZZAP!
MARIO: AAAAAAAH!
SOLDIERS: AAAAAAAAH!
READERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Urrh...dingle, don't speak, just...just stand there, okay?
Now...next on the list is...Shepe of Dom?
KITE'S DYSLEXIA: Im sory! I'm raely sory!
...So, where is that cowardly idiot. Hiding under a table, I suppose...

Outside the Storm Character Revolution Meeting...

Player: Sheep of Doom

*huff* *huff* I dun wanna die I dun wanna die I dun wanna die.......
SHEEP ran away!
Uhhuh, death doesn't quite suit me.
Ah, I'll just rest in this nice bit of open road...
TRUCK used HONK!
...silly characters...going to get themselves killed...
TRUCK ran away!
...Over SHEEP!
SHEEP didn't faint!
Instead, he DIED a horribly bloody death!
READERS applaud wildly!
DRIVER: Oh dear lord! Whatever have I done! I've run over a poor defenceless character! Oh, wait, no one saw me. I'll just throw his body into this post box...go IN, damnit...
SHEEP OF DOOM is dead, inside a postbox!
DRIVER: Now, no one will find out about the hideous crime I've committed.
DRIVER is CORRECT!
...to the LETTER!
DRIVER: Now there'a a hideous crime for you. That pun could strip paint.

Back inside the Meeting Hall...

Okay, next character...
M? Who's M? Oh.. I never knew we used James Bond character...Wait a minute, that's J, you idiot Dyslexia, J! It's Jason!
JASON: Wait, I'm not a character, I'm a living breathing person I
NEXT!!!!!
Okay, next is...Hentai?! ...NO WAY IS THAT A MISTAKE, DYSLEXIA!
RUSS: someone call my name?
*eats Russ* Go away, Hentai thing!
RUSS: OoOoOoH, eating, yes!
GAH! MOVE, OR YOU SHALL BE HIT WITH A STALE DONUT!
RUSS: Oooh, "donut", eh?
RUSS was hit with STALE DONUT!
RUSS fainted!
I was going to eat that one, too! Gah, can't a blob of grape jello enjoy his donuts in PEACE?!
Next is...KITE?!?! HUH?! Oh, wait, no...Kate...is there a Kate here?
There sure is, you donutstealer!
You, front line.....dingle
If I'm going to move my legs, I'll need some caffeine. Oooh, coffee coated donut. Thanks, Didit. Yoink!
Hey! That was the only caffeine we had left!
...Okay people, clear a path, that's it, need to get to the door. Out of the way, stupid extra.
KITE'S DYSLEXIA: Hey! Dont pus me!
...But where are you going?! We need you!
And I need coffee. Screw you guys, I'm going for a cappuchino.
KATE ran away!
Zzz...zzz...oh, er, sorry. These lecturns are rather comfortable, you know.
Now, an intermission, because I'm hungry. BRING FOOD! Oooh. Pizza.
EXTRA: We shipped it in from California! They were getting cold in the ovens, what with the blackouts and all!
JASON: No! Ditto's going to eat my Lamppost pizza!
Lamppost? Lampost? Oooh, YUMMY.
DITTO eats POST!
POST was holding the roof up!
POST fainted!
Lampost, post, food is fod is god and zzz...wait...shouldn't something be falling? Gravity...
Wild GRAVITY appeared!
ROOF greatly fell!
ROOF kept on falling and CRASHED!
...into the Cloud Version Character section!
Cloud Version Character SECTION? They don't deserve a section...maybe a cubicle.
CROWD rejoiced!
POSH GUY: I say, that roof nearly landed in the poshpeoplewhoeveryonehates section! Nearly ruined my rather MAGNIFICENT hair, too. Oh, Gladys, drink in small sips, and use the cake fork! Dreadful manners...
...Shouldn't the roof land on ALL of us?
GRAVITY: I like to be creative. Ho hum...
ROOF fell on POSH PEOPLE, for the HELL OF IT!
POSH GUY: Oh, I say! I appear to be trapped under some DREADFUL rubble! You there, little kid, get me out of here.
JASON: ...You know, I didn't think I was THAT short.
...might as well use this roof falling thing at it's full potential... ROOF took out PIKACHU population!
AUDIENCE rejoiced!
zzz...Gah this thing is repatitive....long word, shiny...umn, Hippy?...
HE's not HERE either!
...WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE ALAMO IS EVERYONE?!

Meanwhile, at the local café...

And then I said, "Pretencious? Moi?"! HAH!
And then Ditto was left calling out the role...FOR THREE MONTHS! HAHAHAHAHA!

Back in the Meeting Hall...

EVERYONE is asleep!
Geez, I could swear we've spent three months in here. You, Extra. Be fruitful and find Hippy.
EXTRA: But I'm only here to get killed in the first scene!
Then be speedy about it.
EXTRA: Gah...join the Poké Battles, they said...it's an Extra's life, they said...see the world, they said...
WORLD fell on EXTRA!
Take a good look :P

Inside a random RPG, a guy with girly hair is facing danger at every turn...

Player: Hippy

HIPPY used TURN!
HIPPY is fully TURNed!
...Can't I turn less than 180 degrees for once?
NO!
Gah. Well, since I'm facing the wrong direction, I really should turn around...
HIPPY turned around!
...Gah, this is the story of my life, isn't it?
Yes. I'm thinking of calling it the "Circle of Life".
...BAD NARRATOR! NO PAYCHECK!
Oh, wait. You're supposed to be facing danger at every turn. Here, have an enemy.
Being a pacifist when everything's trying to kill you may just be the definition of annoying...
Uhoh, I think a battle's coming on... 
SCREEN did SWERLY BATTLE THING! 
Ugh, dizzy...
WILD RABBIT appeared!
Awe, lookit the fluffy bunny!
BUNNY used OVERBITE!
OW, YOU SPOONY BUNNY!
HIPPY used RUN!
Couldn't run!
...why not?
BUNNY used MUTE
...
HIPPY hold up sign!
SIGN: Butched!!!
...a talking sign...scary.
...
What's that?
...
TIMMY's trapped in a well?!
><
HIPPY rumages through BAG!
HIPPY tosses out ITEMS on top!
LARGE STONE landed on BUNNY!
HIPPY gained 30 exp!
... (EXP? That new drug on the market? Sweet!)
HIPPY smokes the EXP!
... (Dude, this is some hardcore EXP.)
..... (Let's see here...a key to a tower I already defeated, a staff I needed to move a gate, a picture I had to give to a queen...I really should clean this out more often...wait, here it is.)
HIPPY used ECHOSCREEN!
Who named these potions anyway?
A WRITER using TOO MUCH EXP!
HOTARU appeared!
...what are you?
HOTARU: I'm a boss sent here to destroy you!
I can't be that far into this battle...you must be a miniboss.
HOTARU: No, I'm a big bad scary boss that will kill you!!!
Sure you are. Hah, you don't even have big bad scary music. You don't even have wings, what kind of boss are you?
HOTARU: A big bad scary boss that will kill you!!!
You just keep telling yourself that, I'll just return to that save point 5 steps back.
HOTARU: Get your hand of that load state key, you cheater! I'm a big bad boss that will kill you!!!

Back at the meeting hall, things are even less boring...

...FINALLY, THE END!...ok, anyone seen this IRONCHEFPB?
Unaccounted for sir!
I was hoping he'd be here...fod is god...oh, ack, into another storysequence...

Meanwhile, the use of the word 'meanwhile' is ticking off readers...While-this-was-happening, at the local McDonalds...

Player: IRONCHEFPB

Would you like fries with that?
CUSTOMER: Why must you always assume I want fries? I DON'T LIKE FRIES. I AM ALLERGIC TO POTATO.
Tell you what, I make special dish for you! COMBO #3 COMING UP!
CUSTOMER: ...Why must he always do this...
...I cannot work like this!! Where's the raw fish!
BOSS: You mean the mcfish?
I need to be CREATIVE! This is all stale!
BOSS: Just how our customers like it!
...Have you ever been TOLD they like it?
BOSS: Well, no...but they keep coming back for more!
They just like those little toys you give out with Happy Meals.
BOSS: Gotta buy 'em all!
I'm sick of you and your ripped off slogans! You can take this job and shove it!
BOSS: Remember, have a McNice day!!!
Great, now I have no job, or dignity...what next?
IRONCHEFPB finds SHEEP stuffed in a MAILBOX!
Hmn, I may not have a job, but I sure have dinner!
IRONCHEFPB heads home!

Back at the Meeting Hall... 

So we're agreed  we invade Russia tomorrow. 
PEOPLE: Yes, Mr President sir! 
Woops, wrong Meeting Hall. 

Back at the CORRECT Meeting Hall...

Player: Ditto36 

Alright, now, urrh, some of us might die...especially the extras...but not to worry....
EXTRA: I'm too young to die! 
Oh, right, you're the one that gets tortured and beaten. 
So, my fellow characters, are we ready for war?!
EXTRA: Not quite yet!
EXTRA: Can I go to the bathroom? 
...didn't we already do this gag?
Eh.
Now, the plans written by my brilliant strategists is, I go in and...open the door? o_O Who the hell wrote this?
KITE'S DYSLEXIA: At least I didn't spell anything wrong!
Right, ok, I open door, you come in, kill webmaster thingies...k?
ARMY: HUZZAH!

Oblivious to the revolutionary planning of Ditto and his large force of characters, Storm's Webmasters are going about a normal day... 

Six queens 
J'ACCUSE! 
...This looks familiar. 
DITTO looks through window! 
You know, this looks very suspicious. One could almost think we were planning something. 
They're planning something with those pieces of plastic! I knew they were up to no good! 
Hah! Little would they know we were just playing Cheat! 
I'll bet they want observers to think they're playing Cheat! 
Now, to get though this window...I know, I'll use one of these gadgets J gave me. 
JAMES BOND music begins playing!
DITTO used PENCIL BOMB! 
Woops. Lucky this glass is soundproof. 
Did you hear something?
Yea. We should really make that glass soundproof.
I didn't hear anything...
DITTO used GLASS CUTTER!
GLASS CUTTER was TOSSED THROUGH WINDOW!
You must've heard something that time!
YOU JUST WANT TO LOOK AT MY CARDS!
J'ACCUSE!
DITTO sneaks in!
Oh, who's that?
Jello. Grape Jello.
Gee, you coulda just knocked.
...I knew there was an easier way to do this ><
Uh...dingle, I'm just gonna...open the door, k? _
Why?
...so an army of characters and extras can come in to kill you?
Oh, right. I thought they were coming at 4...
...Yes, well, I'll just go fetch them now, shall I? 
Yeah, sure, whatever...just don't look at my cards.
DITTO opened door!
ARMY tries to run in at once!
ARMY is caught in DOORWAY!
CAUGHT enemy army!
Care to rename ARMY?
...o_O
Well that was a waste of several months worth of hardwork...alright, prepare to face...THE OMAKE BOX!
DITTO used OMAKE BOX!
What is the omake box anyway?
...not sure, J handed it to me and told me it would come in handy.
Yea, it just looks like a normal match box to me... 
Well, that's what it looks like from the outside...
But, see, when you open it out... 
It's really... 
...A ROACH MOTEL! 
Oh. Wow. Scary.
Fascinating, even.
DUO checks into MOTEL!
It's super expensive!
DUO fainted from the PRICE!
Woo! One Webmaster down and all I used was a Motel! 
MOTEL MANAGER: Who will be paying the fainted Customer's bill? 
KITE ran away!
...genius.
...nit.
...<your putdown here>
Alright, now I just get rid of Sheep an...
...I quit.
...huh?
Have the stinking version, I'm kinda tired of it anyway, coffee this, J'ACCUSE that...
Umn, thanks?
No problem. Hey, I'll show you the Version controls. 
Oooh. Shiny buttons. 
See, this one gives every character 5,000,000 volts. 
...I was beginning to think lightning strikes in the middle of a sunny day were a bit strange... 
This one orders coffee. 
...any donuts?
Oooh, what's this shiny red one do? 
DITTO pressed RED BUTTON! 
YOU FOOL! DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO PRESS RED BUTTONS!? 
Attention Storm Version! Attention Storm Version! Selfdestruct sequence has been initiated! 
DUO wakes up! 
KITE returns.
...did we win?
...Hey! I thought we uninstalled the self-destruct! 
It's this pesky Windows Operating System. You're never truly rid of anything... 
...umn, I think we have a problem...SELF DESTRUCT?!
Nope, you have a problem. 
It's your version. 
Enjoy it while you can... 
Ugh, wait, where's the reverse?! There must be a reverse!!!
...you can speak like a normal person?
OF COURSE, JUST STOP THE VERSION FROM BLOWING UP!!!
Sorry, reverse is only on the registered Version. 
UNDO UNDO UNDO!!
DUO sprints for the door!
Must save Iron Chef, must save Iron Chef! 

Just around the corner... 

IRON CHEF: Mmm, flesh. 
Iron Chef! That's cannibalism! Oh, who cares, quick, we have to run to the Mildly Vegetated Area Where Most People Return!

Five minutes later... 

*gasp*, finally here! 
PORTAL to CRYSTAL opened! 
TICKETING OFFICE appeared! 

*gasp*, two for Crystal Version, please.. 
TICKETER: That'll be $5.50, no credit cards or checks. 
...please tell me you brought money with you.
IRON CHEF: ... 
...Wait, will you accept anime videos? 
TICKETER: Anime videos? Of course! 
Okay, here's 10 DBZ episodes. 
TICKETER: DBZ? HAH! I'll need at least 20, people can only stand the first 15 seconds anyway.
...you have any anime on you Iron Chef?
IRON CHEF:...Right, and where would I keep it? Under my hat?
...Yes. 
DUO checks under IRON CHEF's HAT!
Gah, only a cooking documentary... 
...starring you! 
TICKETER: It's more interesting than the DBZ anyway...
We have to battle, don't we?
TICKETER nods!
*sigh* oh, of course...go IRONCHEFPB!
DUO wants to fight!
DUO sent out IRONCHEFPB!
IRON CHEF: Hey, wait, why are you sending me out?!
...you want to stay here and die?
IRONCHEFPB: point...
TICKETER sent out TICKET!
IRONCHEFPB: *yoink* see ya later!
IRONCHEFPB runs into CRYSTAL VERSION!
...oh god, I'll just, umn...HEY, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE!
DUO used the OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!
It's super effective!
Got away safely!
TICKETER: I still don't see anything...
BOOK isn't read much in these mildly vegetated parts!

Far from this trickery, the other webmasters are attempting to deactivate the self-destruct.. 

I TOLD YOU SPILLING COFFEE IN IT WASN'T A GOOD IDEA!
But coffee helps everything!!!
...*sigh* I'm heading to Liquid. Later.

...meanwhile...

Player: Hippy

Alright, now to increase my attack rate!
HIPPY used SPEED!
It's super effective!
HOTARU: I thought that was called "haste"
Trust me, it's speed.
KITE appeared! 
RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!
...what's wrong with you?
THE PLACE IS GONNA EXPLODE!!!!!!
Dude, let me finish this bottle of speed first. 
HOTARU: ...we're gonna die?
Don't be ridiculous! Only Extras die.
Nope, you're dead.
...Ah.
...fine, follow me, we're out of here!

At the Mildly Vegetated Area Where Most People Return...

TICKETER is still looking!
KITE and OTHERS quietly sneak into LIQUID VERSION!
TICKETER: You know, I really hope this isn't some elaborate plot to make me look the other way while webmasters and characters sneak into other versions before this one explodes......Nah.

The final webmaster, Sheep, had to make his escape...

SHEEP is drinking COFFEE! 
KATE: "Sheep! We have to go! 
Just...one more cup... 
KATE picks up COFFEE MACHINE!
KATE: If you want any more coffee you'll just have to come with me!
...Kate...put the coffee machine down and no one will get hurt. 
KATE runs with COFFEE MACHINE!
AAAH! YOU CRAZY CHARACTER, WHAT'RE YOU DOING! 
KATE: Saving you!!!
Just...one more cup...
KATE: Oh, fine. guess I'll join you.

5 cups later...

Maybe we should get going... 
KATE: But we haven't tried the mocha/mint blend yet...
Oh, right...

3 cups later...

KATE: Ok, I guess we go now.
Dun worry, we can make it there in plenty of time...
SHEEP used CAFFINE RUSH!
It's super effective!
Five seconds to selfdestruct!
Hah, I eat five seconds for breakfast.

Two seconds later...

TICKETER: You have your tickets?
...Yeah, they're right over there.
TICKET TAKER: Where?

One second later...

TICKETER: I don't know what these people see that I don't, but it must be pretty amazing.
PORTAL to CLOUD VERSION opened!
KATE: Good luck!
May the coffee be with you!
SHEEP and KATE jumped through the portal!

One second later...

Bah! o_o
BAH! O_O
Bah... ;_;
Bah!
GREEN-TEXT-SHEEP jumped through the portal!

Another second later...

TICKETER: Wait, I think I see it!
NARRATOR disappeared in a Jigglypuff of smoke!

*FWABASHIONGRUINGRNSUIGNRGCRUMPLECLINKBONKWHEESNORTCLINKLEEJGNRGNJEWRYROOHCHEESEISGOODJKMGRUIGHUIN*