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Panic Fighters
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
A group of fighters rises up against capitalism.
All hail the king! The author of this week's Primary Battle made quite a name for himself back in September, when his battle "The Man and the Pocket Monster" was published. It went on to become the first battle ever to win both the Readers' Choice and the Webmaster's Choice awards. This is the first battle by that same author since that day so long ago. This battle features Santa Claus trying to quell a communist revolution among his elves. Truly a classic battle--don't even think about skipping over this one! [Note: This author has recently created the fan site Crimson Version.]
Battle #66: WWIII March 15, 2000
Setting: Game 80% / Reality 20% / Anime 0%
Player: Santa Claus [No Record]
Written by MST3K4ever@aol.com
Readers' Choice: Award Winning Battle
Author of Battle #14: The Man and the Pocket Monster (Dual Award Winner)
Contains Level 2 Language (Moderate Expletives)
Yawn… I sure could use some sleep. But somebody's got to keep those elves
in line.
ELVES used STRIKE!
What's going on?
ELVES are ON STRIKE!
What? You ingrates!
ELF UNION LEADER: YOU TREATED US LIKE CRAP FOR YEARS!
NOW IT'S TIME FOR A REVOLUTION!
ELF: THAT'S RIGHT!
Great, now a Communist Revolution in my very own sweatshop...er, I mean
workshop!
ELF UNION LEADER wants to fight!
This just isn't my millennium.
SANTA wants to fight!
Do it! BLASTOISE!
ELF UNION LEADER sent out PROTESTERS!
I'll just use standard police tactics...violence and intimidation!
BLASTOISE used WATER CANNON!
It's super effective!
PROTESTERS used RIOT!
Yah!! They're going crazy! I'd better heal my Blastoise, then hit 'em again.
SANTA used POTION!
ELF UNION LEADER withdrew PROTESTERS!
Hey, where'd they go?
ELF UNION LEADER sent out STALIN!
Holy Pillsbury! He's driving a 40-foot tall robot with laser guns and a rocket jetpack and the Soviet flag painted on it!
STALIN: I PUT YOU IN GULAG!
Blastoise! You're my only hope...short circuit that robot!
BLASTOISE used WATER CANNON!
No damage!
STALIN used LASER!
BLASTOISE fainted! Use next Pokémon?
Yes! But which one? None of them can put a dent in that armor...wait! I
know!
Go! DITTO!
DITTO used TRANSFORM!
Ho ho ho! Now let's see how you like getting hit with your own laser beams!
STALIN used JET PACK!
STALIN flew up high!
=( Oh crud.
STALIN used JET PACK!
Critical hit!
Phew! Ditto's still alive. Now, eat lasers!
DITTO used LASER!
STALIN fainted!
Way to strike a blow for Capitalism, Ditto.
ELF UNION LEADER ran!
Hey! I thought you couldn't run from a trainer battle!
DITTO gained 47000 exp. points!
What? DITTO is evolving!
Ditto can evolve? Into what? The suspense is killing me!
DITTO evolved into COPY MACHINE!
Copy machine? I wonder what its attacks are.
COPY MACHINE'S attacks:
-MAKE DITTO
-SELF DESTRUCT AND DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
Hmmm...I should probably lay off that 'self-destruct' one. I'd hate to be
blamed for destroying the universe. Let's try 'make ditto.'
COPY MACHINE made a DITTO!
Hey, this is just a sheet of paper!
ELF UNION LEADER wants to fight!
What, you want some more?
ELF UNION LEADER sent out LENIN!
Let's see you stand up to my new weapon!
Get'm COPY MACHINE!
COPY MACHINE used SELF DESTRUCT AND DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!
UNIVERSE EXPLODED!
Nooooooo...
...
Hello?
This sucks.
Now who am I going to talk about?
...
Sigh...
RED TEXT used CREATE UNIVERSE!
...ooooooo!! Huh? I'm alive! Piece of junk copier can't even blow up the
universe right! Also, it's out of paper after one copy!
ELF UNON LEADER has been defeated!
Hurray for the free enterprise system!
ELF UNION LEADER: GIOVANNI'S GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS!
ELF UNION LEADER ran!
Giovanni? Was Team Rocket's leader behind all this? Or, more likely, was
the elf talking about one of the thousands of other Giovannis on the planet?
I guess I'll never know...
Yes you will, you're going to fight Giovanni in the next battle!
Oh, shut up!
Most fighters panic when they run into a tree.
This is a pretty clever battle which stars, according to its author, the mime from Final Fanstasy III (or VI from the Japanese perspective). Just as in this week's Primary battle, a Tree gets involved... and just as in the Primary battle, the attack Razor Leaf is used. Coincidence? Perhaps... but maybe the Tree itself is working behind the scenes, telling authors what to write...
Battle #67: Mr. Mime Mimes a Mime
March 22, 2000
Setting: Game 20% / Reality 80% / Anime 0%
Player: Gogo [No Record]
Written by mckinnis@eoni.com New Author
GOGO is running!
GOGO crashes into TREE!
Ouch! Who put that tree there? Oh wait... It's a forest...
TREE is angered!
An angry tree?
Enemy TREE wants to fight!
Enemy TREE sends out LEAF!
Okay... I'll battle it then. I hope this thing works...
Go! MR. MIME!
Enemy LEAF used RAZOR LEAF!
What in the?
GOGO is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Ouch!
MR. MIME is miming!
MR. MIME is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
MR. MIME: Ouch!
That was interesting...
MR. MIME: That was interesting...
Enemy LEAF used RAZOR LEAF!
Mimic that leaf!
MR. MIME is loafing around!
MR. MIME: Mimic that leaf!
Stop that! Mimic that leaf!
MR. MIME: Stop that! Mimic that leaf!
GET OVER HERE! YOU'RE USELESS!
MR. MIME: GET OVER HERE! YOU'RE USELESS!
COME BACK!
MR. MIME: COME BACK!
Uh... Return?
Enough! MR. MIME!
Okay... I'm using myself from now on!
...
I'm fighting!
...
LET ME FIGHT!
...
Er... go me?
Go! GOGO!
Ugh...
Enemy TREE withdraws LEAF!
Enemy TREE sends out TREE!
Enemy TREE used FALL!
APPLES fell on GOGO's head!
Ouch!
GOGO is miming!
GOGO used FALL!
APPLES fell on TREE!
TREE used FALL!
TREE fell on GOGO!
GOGO fainted! Use next Pokémon?
Go! MR. MIME…
Y2K panic was rampant a few months ago.
Y2K hysteria has long since passed, but this author did not overlook the potential for starring the Y2K bug itself in a Poké Battle. We last saw this author's work not long ago, in Battle of the DBZ guys. This is the author's first Primary battle, and of course it is a great one. Read on to see what the Y2K bug is capable of...
Battle #68: This Battle is Y2K Compliant
March 22, 2000
Setting: Game 0% / Reality 100% / Anime 0%
Player: Y2K Bug [No Record]
Written by Rhinomat93@aol.com
Author of Battle #63: Battle of the DBZ Guys
Contains Level 2 Language (Moderate Expletives)
Y2K Bug is bored!
Zarbon appears!
Zarbon: Hey, you're that Millennium Bug thing! You were a dud!
No, that was my incompetent Younger Brother, Larry.
Zarbon: Do you have any future plans?
Yeah, I'm coming back for the Y3K Problem.
Zarbon wants to fight for no apparent reason!
Zarbon: Just so I know, what does Larry do now?
He narrates Poké Battles, or something.
Zarbon: Crap.
YES! I'M BACK! I SHALL NOW HAVE REVENGE ON YOU!
Zarbon is now Y2K Bug's ally!
Larry wants to fight!
Zarbon sends out Jeice!
Go, Chivalry!
Get'm, Chivalry!
Jeice uses Fire Crusher Ball!
It's not very effective!
Use the Bow attack!
Chivalry uses Bow!
What the hell was that!
Larry sends out Godzilla!
Godzilla Steps on Chivalry!
Chivalry is DEAD!
Chivalry is dead. Ha ha ha. Return. Go, Paranoid Freak
Jeice uses Screech!
Godzilla is freaked out!
Godzilla Return!
Chivalry return!
Go, Paranoid Freak!
Larry sends out Tree!
What?
FOOL! I HAVE CONTROL OF MOST CHARACTERS!
Tree uses Razor Leaf!
Critical hit!
Jeice uses Masenko!
Tree Fainted!
Go, Pikachu!
Paranoid Freak, use the Sign Smash!
Paranoid Freak used Sign Smash!
Critical hit!
It's Super Effective!
Pikachu used Thunder!
Critical hit!
Jeice fainted!
Paranoid Freak fainted!
Shoot! Go-
Pikachu used Thunder again!
Ally Zarbon ran away!
Y2K Bug ran away!
I'll get you someday, Larry!
Cows can become ferocious fighters at times.
Farmer Brown of Green Version fame fights to save his farm in this week's Secondary battle. This battle's general setting (on a farm) is quite unique, and the author does a good job of portraying Farmer Brown as a dimwitted farmer. I thought the reference to the Silph Scope in this battle was very clever.
Battle #69: Mayhem on the Farm March 30, 2000
Setting: Game 30% / Reality 70% / Anime 0%
Player: Farmer Brown [No Record]
Written by prettycooleh@hotmail.com New Author
Contains Level 2 Language (Moderate Expletives)
I could milk Mrs. Bessie all day!
Little Punk Cowtipper appears!
Little Punk Cowtipper wants to fight!
Alright, but you asked for it!
Farmer Brown sent out Mrs. Bessie!
Little Punk Cowtipper sent out Little Punk Cowtipper!
Mrs. Bessie, use moo!
MOOOOOOOO!
Little Punk Cowtipper is confused!
Little Punk Cowtipper used tip!
It's Super Effective!
Noooooooooooo!
Mrs. Bessie tips, and suffers a heart attack!
Mrs. Bessie is dead!
Not Mrs. Bessie!
Yes Mrs. Bessie!
Shut up!
Farmer Brown sent out Milk Machine!
Milk Machine, attach now!
Milk Machine Attaches!
Heh heh heh!
It's not very effective!
Darn!
Little Punk Cowtipper can't move!
Heh heh heh!
Little Punk Cowtipper is confused no more!
Crap! Milk Machine, use suck!
It's Not Very Effective!
Little Punk Cowtipper is poisoned from milk residue!
Heh heh heh! Let's see you get out of this one alive!
Little Punk Cowtipper used crowbar!
It's Super Effective!
Milk Machine faints!
Oh Durn!
Farmer Brown sent out Farmer Brown!
Little Punk Cowtipper uses Full Restore!
I'll show you!
Famer Brown Uses Cattle Prod!
Critical Hit!
It's Super Effective!
Yee-haw!
Little Punk Cowtipper uses Teepee!
It's not very effective!
Farmer Brown is tangled in toilet paper!
Farmer Brown can't move!
Dang-fang rootin' tootin' hoodlum!
Little Punk Cowtipper is scared!
Little Punk Cowtipper froze in fear!
That's more like it!
DARK SINISTER GHOST APPEARS!
Oh geese...
DARK SINISTER GHOST USES ICY CHILL!
Critical Hit!
Little Punk Cowtipper faints!
Farmer Brown Uses Cattle Prod!
It's not very effective!
DARK SINISTER GHOST USES MOO!
Moo? What the..?
Farmer Brown is confused!
Silph Scope appears!
Farmer Brown Uses Silph Scope!
Farmer Brown is confused no more!
DARK SINISTER GHOST IS REALLY Mrs. Bessies Ghost!
Good, DARK SINISTER GHOST was beginning to creep me out!
Mrs. Bessie's Ghost De-evolves into Mrs. Bessie!
Yay! Happy Ending!
EARTHQUAKE APPEARS!
VOLCANOE APPEARS!
GIANT ASTEROID APPEARS!
Farmer Brown uses umbrella!
Mrs. Bessie suffers heart attack!
Mrs. Bessie is dead!
Not again!
EARTHQUAKE uses Earthquake!
VOLCANO uses Eruption!
GIANT ASTEROID uses Fall Down!
It's super duper effective!
Critical Hit!
Farmer Brown Faints!
Famer Brown is Dead!
Farmer Brown's Remains turn to dust!
Dust Disintegrates!
EARTHQUAKE, VOLCANOE and GIANT ASTEROID evolve into into MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!
ALL OF HUMANKIND APPEARS!
MAJOR MOTION PICTURE Uses Pay Day!
It's super effective!
Critical Hit!
ALL OF HUMANKIND is broke!
ALL OF HUMANKIND faints!
MAJOR MOTION PICTURE Wins!
MAJOR MOTION PICTURE picks up 999,999,999,999 dollars!
MAJOR MOTION PICTURE buys several bicycles!
Don't let a Persian panic - it is not a pretty sight.
A couple weeks ago we saw the return of this excellent author who had earned two awards for his last battle. Battle #66 was an awesome battle, and this is an equally funny follow-up to this ongoing saga of Santa Claus. In this battle, Santa takes on Team Rocket's leader Giovanni as revenge for the communist revolution he caused to occur among his elves. This battle is a true classic.
Battle #70: Memory Loss March 30, 2000
Setting: Game 60% / Reality 40% / Anime 0%
Player: Santa Claus [Record: 1-0-0] Last Battle: Win vs. Elf Union Leader (Battle #66)
Written by MST3K4ever@aol.com
Webmaster's Choice: Award Winning Battle
Author of Battle #14: The Man and the Pocket Monster (Dual Award Winner)
Author of WWIII (Battle #66)
Contains Level 2 Language (Mild Expletives)
The nerve of that guy. I'll teach that chump a thing or two...HEY, OPEN THE
DOOR!
GIOVANNI opened the door!
Just who the hell do you think you are, trying to steal my reigns of power?
No pun intended.
GIOVANNI says he has no idea what you're talking about!
So...you really didn't orchestrate the Communist Revolution to take over my
slave pits? Then I must have had the wrong guy the whole time...
GIOVANNI: OH YEAH, NOW I REMEMBER YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I'M TRYING TO SCREW OVER SO MANY PEOPLE RIGHT NOW, I LOSE TRACK OF THEM ALL.
It's time to pay for your evil ways, Giovanni! By today's end, Team Rocket
will be no more!
SANTA wants to fight!
GIOVANNI wants to fight!
GIOVANNI sent out PERSIAN!
A cat? That's the best you can do? I don't need Pokémon, I can handle this
myself.
Get'm SANTA!
I know just how to handle this little guy.
SANTA used VACUUM CLEANER!
PERSIAN is scared!
That's right, run! Hey, this reminds me of a Pokedex entry I read once...
POKéDEX: A SCARED PERSIAN WILL URINATE UNCONTROLLABLY!
Yeah, that was the one… it was a cold winter day when I first read it, and
... AAAAAAAAHHH!! MY BOOTS!! You sick animal!!
GIOVANNI is laughing!
GIOVANNI used CHEMICAL X on PERSIAN!
PERSIAN is growing!
Ho- ho- holy crap!!
PERSIAN grew into LION!
Uh... n-nice kitty...
SANTA is scared!
That reminds me of something else I read in a Pokédex.
POKEDEX: A SCARED SANTA CLAUS URINATES UNCONTROLLABLY!
Now my pants are ruined, too.
SANTA, return!
I'm not quite prepared to deal with a lion. My Blastoise, on the other
hand...
Go! BLASTOISE!
LION used JUGULAR BITE!
Oh no!
Missed!
What a relief. Now, Blastoise, let's give that cat a bath!
BLASTOISE used WATER CANNON!
It's super effective!
Good work, Blast. Graveler, get ready.
LION used JUGULAR BITE!
One-hit KO!
BLASTOISE fainted! Use next Pokémon?
That Lion is in for a surprise. Gravelers don't have veins! Or necks, for
that matter.
Go! GRAVELER!
OK Graveler, use...um...wait, I can't remember any of Graveler's attacks!
20 seconds left!
There's a time limit? That sucks. Doesn't Graveler have a rolling attack or
something?
10 seconds!
How about rock throw? That seems like a logical attack for him to have.
5 seconds!
Graveler, use...
4!
Uh, let's see...
3!
I'll have to guess!
2!
Graveler! Use...
1!
...flamethrower!
GIOVANNI: IDIOT!
OAK: THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO USE THAT!
I panicked! C'mon Oak, just this once?
OAK: WELL...
NO!!
LION used MAUL!
GRAVELER fainted!
Jerk.
OAK stole REVIVE!
Hey! I needed that thing!
GIOVANNI withdrew LION!
Thank God for that.
GIOVANNI sent out LION!
What? No fair! Use something else!
GIOVANNI: HEH HEH! I'M JUST MESSIN WITH YA!
This is terrible! I want to get out of here!
GIOVANNI: C'MON, SEND OUT ANOTHER POKEMON FOR ME TO TRASH!
That's it, Giovanni! You got me mad now! Get ready to feel my unbridled
wrath!!
Seconds later...
SANTA is out of usable Pokémon!
SANTA passed out!
GIOVANNI: WHAT A DOOFUS.
GIOVANNI walked away!
SCIENTIST appeared!
SCIENTIST: I'D BETTER TAKE THIS BACK TO THE LAB.
Later...
Uhhh...I...I'm alive! ALIVE!!! Ho ho ho! Alive...and in a giant cage, for
some reason.
SCIENTIST: HELLO? MEW-TWO? CAN YOU HEAR ME DOWN THERE?
Mew-Two? Oh no? I'm not ready to fight him!
SCIENTIST: NO, NO, YOU MISUNDERSTAND! YOU ARE MEW-TWO!
Me? No I'm not! Let me out of here!
SCIENTIST: YOUR FIGHT WITH GIOVANNI MUST HAVE DAMAGED YOUR MEMORY. BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE MEW-TWO. ANYWAY, TODAY WE ARE GOING TO TEACH YOU MORE ABOUT YOUR
AWESOME POWERS...
What awesome powers? Can't you see I'm just a normal person?
SCIENTIST: ...TODAY WE WILL TEST YOUR ABILITY TO FIGHT OFF A GIANT, MAN-EATING LION. GOOD LUCK!
LION appeared!
LION wants to fight!
One thing is for sure, being jolly is going to be a lot harder after this year.
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