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Evil Roots
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #146: Blast Off Thursday, April 18, 2002
Location: Somewhere in Old World
Player: James from Team Rocket [Record: 7-8-0]
Prepare for trouble!
JESSIE: …
*ahem* I said… PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!
JESSIE: It's old, James. Sorry.
No! The motto will live forever!
JESSIE: It's dead, James. Deader than Al Gore.
AL GORE: But I'm still ali-
How can a true member of Team Rocket turn her back on such a proud part of our heritage??
JESSIE: It's not heritage. It's a corny motto that we used to say a lot. But we've moved on with our lives.
This is not the Jessie that I knew before! You must be a… a doppelganger!
JESSIE rolls her EYES!
JESSIE: Yeah, sure James. Boy, you sure found me out.
I knew it! What did you do with Jessie?
JESSIE: Uh…
Won't talk, eh? Then the only solution is to BATTLE!
JESSIE: Is it really?
Yes! Alright, I'm going to send out--
JESSIE punches you in the NOSE!
OW! What the-??
JESSIE: What? You said you wanted a battle. Fight back.
I was trying to send out--
JESSIE kicks you in the SHINS!
OWW! What are you doing?
JESSIE: Uh, fighting you.
Isn't this supposed to be a Poké Battle??
JESSIE: I don't see why it should be.
But… it's supposed to… Narrator, back me up here!
NARRATOR kind of AGREES with JESSIE!
DON'T you THINK you're a little OLD to RESOLVE your DISPUTES through POKé BATTLES?
Uhhhhh…
YOU should settle your PROBLEMS like ADULTS and just SORT OF DUKE IT OUT!
Did I step through some kind of portal? Something isn't right here.
EVERYTHING is PERFECTLY NORMAL!
Jessie…?
JESSIE: Don't look at me. Look at where I'm going to be!
JESSIE used DODGE N' WEAVE!
JESSIE smacked you UPSIDE THE HEAD!
ARGH! Something's--
Zzzz… hmmnnn? Ah ha!
Uh oh.
Your NARRATOR was ACTUALLY a DOPPELGANGER!
DOPPELGANGER ran away!
Oh NO it DIDN'T!
NARRATOR gives DOPPELGANGER the BEATING of a LIFETIME!
Ow ow ow ow ow
THAT will TEACH you to DOPPELGANG me!
You mean that wild irrational accusation I made up just a minute ago about Jessie just happened to be true about the Narrator?
JESSIE wasn't even THERE!
The DOPPELGANGER just sort of NARRATED her EXISTANCE!
How do I know I exist?
You DON'T!
You're a FIGMENT of DOPPELGANGER's IMAGINATION as WELL!
Who the hell is writing this piece of--
Location: Somewhere in Old World
Player: James from Team Rocket [Record: 7-8-0]
JESSIE: … and that's what will happen if we try to seek out the Narrator.
Jessie, have you been eating the magic mushrooms again?
JESSIE: Look, I'm telling you - the Narrator will find us, when the time is
right.
The TIME is RIGHT! The latest GAMESHOW now AIRING on CBS!
Apparently, the 'right time' is when there's a phrase to be punned.
JESSIE: Hello, Narrator.
We were wondering if you could let us battle something. You know, for experience and stuff.
NARRATOR is not HERE to do your BIDDING!
NARRATOR is HERE to make you SUFFER!
Well y'know, I'd really be suffering right now if something attacked me.
In THAT case…
JESSIE wants to fight!
Hey! Not again!
JESSIE: Sorry, the Narrator is making me.
Yeah, suuure… *sigh* go, Geodude!
Get'm, Geocities!
*siiiiiiigh*
Geocities, use your… damn this IS getting old.
JESSIE: I told you! Er, I mean - the fictional me told you in that weird other reality thing.
JAMES loses!
...why?
Because you're FORFEITING!
Alright alright, geez… Geocities, use your… I dunno, your server attack.
GEOCITIES used SERVER!
GEOCITIES served HER a… victory… or… whatever.
This battle isn't going anywhere.
AUTHOR: Well it's not my fault.
Doesn't this battle have to be posted within the next 39 minutes in order to count as a Thursday battle?
JESSIE: It would explain the extreme amount of suckitude around here lately.
AUTHOR: Uhh…
I've noticed I only star in battles when the author can't think of anyone better to use.
JESSIE: Which is pretty sad, since anyone would be better than you.
You make me cry, Jessie.
AUTHOR: Just 20 more lines, just stall for time now.
This battle is going to have the worst feedback ever.
AUTHOR: Shoot, Jay Leno is on in 6 minutes. I gotta run. Have fun, guys!
Ha, very funny… as if you'd cut the battle short just to watch-*
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #146
...okay, that was not funny.
JESSIE: How are we still here?
I dunno. Wanna try fighting again?
JESSIE: What were we fighting about?
I dunno, but your words anger me.
JESSIE wants to fight!
Go, Geocities… AGAIN…
Use your SELF-DESTRUCT attack!
GEOCITIES used SELF-DESTRUCT!
But, it failed!
Figures Geocities would suck even at destroying itself.
JESSIE wins!
ARGH, how does Jessie keep winning when she never does anything??
YOU are so INCOMPETANT that IT just comes NATURALLY!
Speak for yourself, you can't even spell incompetent.
SPELL-CHECK doesn't CHECK words in ALL-CAPS!
CUT the NARRATOR a FRIGGING BREAK!
PLUS, you SHOULDN'T have been ABLE to even SEE how it was SPELLED!
Well, you were pronouncing it weird.
AUTHOR: Oh hell, 14 minutes until midnight.
Can't you just skip a day and spend Friday making this battle actually not suck?
AUTHOR: It's not worth the effort for a Team Rocket battle. I'll just post another one as soon as possible so this one is quickly forgotten.
You suck.
AUTHOR: Four lines to go.
Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!
C'mon, say it with me, Jessie!
JESSIE: No.
AUTHOR: I swear I'll never write Team Rocket again. -_-;
Battle #147: Resident Evil Tuesday, April 30, 2002
Location: Albertson's Supermarket, Old World
Player: Magus [No Record]
Crono, remind me to never let you choose what supermarket to go to.
CRONO: Oh sure, blame me when hoards of undead attack us…
You're the one who killed them to begin with!
CRONO: But you're the one who sugg--
ZOMBIES: braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnsssss….
Oh great, they're after me.
CRONO: Huh? What makes you s-- ...hey!
I guess my magic is our only hope…
MAGUS risks casting a SPELL!
*ping cha-ching! blooop*
CRONO: …
…
CRONO: Was that it?
Apparently so.
ZOMBIES: BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSS….
Well, you know what they say - it's fight or… fight or… uh..
CRONO: "flight"
What? I never run from a fight! No no, it's fight or use your might. Or something.
CRONO: Well, do something, this one Zombie is already trying to eat me.
I will use my might!
ZOMBIES want to feed!
...you guys are in a supermarket, you know.
ZOMBIES: Braiiinsss?
ZOMBIES sent out ZOMBIES!
I'll send out Crono.
CRONO: For the last time, I am not your Pokémon!
Act as a decoy, they're not after you.
CRONO: Contrary to popular belief, I do have brai-- AAAAH, A ZOMBIE'S LATCHED ON TO MY LEG!
Hang in there Crono, you can do it!
CRONO: Stop patronizing me and help me dislodge this zombie's teeth from my-- AAAAH, ANOTHER ONE GOT MY ARM!
Way to go, Crono! Now use your SLASH attack!
CRONO tried to SLASH at a ZOMBIE!
ZOMBIE STUMBLES, but doesn't FALL!
Hmm. Well, I guess I'll have to write Crono off as a loss.
CRONO: I AM NOT A LOSS, I AM A REAL HUMAN BEING WITH EMOTIONS AND FEARS AND AARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!
CRONO is OVERWHELMED by HOARDS OF UNDEAD who begin to FEED upon him!
Poor guy. What was that word of his? Ah yes, "flight".
MAGUS ran away!
Location: Albertson's Supermarket, Old World
Player: Officer Jenny [No Record]
iRAB: Pleeeeaassssse… hellllp… meeeeee…..
It… it's coming toward us!
SERGEANT LOVELADY: Kill the varmint! Kill 'im dead!
But it's… it's asking for help…
EUGENE THOMPSON: I assure you, if this were truly one of the Undead, it would not be capable of such speech. This is a living human being.
But it's so… weird and disgusting-looking!
LOVELADY: It's a varmint! If'n you don't shoot it, I sure in tarnation will!
iRAB: Humannssss… thank the lord… I am savvveed… Officer Jenny… I need… food… badly…!
Ew! Stay away!
iRAB: Havvve mercy… upon… my sooouuuullll…
JENNY used FIRE!
BULLET struck iRAB in the EXPOSED RIBS!
N- now… stay back, vile fiend!
iRAB was SERIOUSLY WOUNDED, but the SOUL STILL BURNS!
H-- how… how is it still standing?
iRAB: …maybe I'm not so… unlucky… after all…!
iRAB's soul BURNS!
iRAB caught on FIRE!
iRAB died!
iRAB's soul: Finally… peace at last… I finally can ascend into… huh? I'm sinking? What the HELL?
This is-- uhm, this is all very disturbing.
THOMPSON: Oh my, I've witnessed a murder. Very well, I can counter-blackmail the police department if they threaten to expose Albertson's for its illegal biological experiements.
LOVELADY: Cansarnit, Thompson! I thought I warned you ta keep yer mouth shut about your evil schemes!
THOMPSON: Oh, I'll keep my mouth… "shut" … if you keep your mouth… "shut" … *wink wink, nudge nudge*
LOVELADY: You freaking wink at me again I'll nudge you offa cliff, boy.
Location: Albertson's Supermarket, Old World
Player: Magus [No Record]
*whew* … I think I finally lost them.
RABID DOGS: You must feel relieved.
Much so. Accursed things, going after my br-- waitaminute.
RABID DOGS: >:D
AAAAH! Uhm… good doggies… say, you want me to show you where the dog food section is?
RABID DOGS: You are the dog food section, human.
No, please! I'm too young to die!
RABID DOGS: We thought you were born in the year 12,000 B.C.
Well geez, apparently you guys haven't heard of time travel.
RABID DOGS: Hey, we're just dogs. Give us some flippin' credit.
Uh, tell you what - I give you credit, you let me go. Deal?
RABID DOGS: How about you give us some of your vital organs, then we'll talk.
Okay, but I'm not giving up more than a spleen and one kidney.
RABID DOGS: We said vital organs. Those taste better.
*gulp* Okay… here's my heart… now can I go?
RABID DOGS: This isn't your heart, it's a box of Pokémon Macaroni & Cheese.
It's delicious!
RABID DOGS want to fight!
Ohhhh greeeat… very well then… go, me!
The enemy will definitely win this battle! Go, MAGUS!
RABID DOGS sent out RABID DOGS!
Well, look on the bright side. At least they don't have any Pokémon under their command.
ACTUALLY, the RABID DOGS were their POKéMON!
The NUMBER OF ENEMIES has APPARENTLY DOUBLED!
Arrrrghhhhh...
Okay, focus Magus… just concentrate on the dogs.
MAGUS risks casting a SPELL!
HUGE JOLTS of ELECTRICITY spray from MAGUS' FINGERTIPS!
YES!!
RABID DOGS are ELECTROCUTED!
Yes! There's no possible way for the Narrator to twist that around to be a bad thing!
RABID DOGS were renamed RABID ELECTRIC DOGS!
Now how did I not foresee that one…?
Enemy RABID ELECTRIC DOGS used LIGHTSHOW-STYLE SEIZURE-INDUCING UBER-POWERFUL ATTACK!
MAGUS is in critical condition!
*gasssp* … it will take a miracle to save me now!
…
…
*ahem* … I said… it will take a miracle to save me now!
CRONO appeared!
Crono! Thank Lavos you're back! And you survived the zombies somehow! I am truly impressed!
CRONO: …
Look, I'm sorry I ran from you Crono… but please, try to forgive me… we may be each other's only hope!
CRONO: …
Uhh… what's wrong, Crono? You seem a little… odd… you're not going into Chrono Trigger-style muteness again, are you?
CRONO: ……… braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnssssssss…
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #147
Battle #148: Skin of Smoothness
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
Location: Grassy Field, Old World
Player: Anakin Skywalker [No Record]
Padme… oh lord, Padme!
PADME: What's wrong, Annie?
Oh Padme what have I done… I killed them all…
I slaughtered them like animals because they are animals!
PADME: Well… you were only doing what you thought was right.
And not just the men either! The women and the children, too!
PADME: Oh...
And you know what? I liked killing them! It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful!
PADME: That's nice...
I mean, they were so course and rough! Not like you… you're so smooth…
PADME: I guess that's true, but…
You're the only one who ever meant anything to me, Padme! The only person who I ever looked at and said to myself "Now there's someone who I don't want to kill!"
PADME: Anakin…
No please, let me finish! What I'm trying to say is… I've spent the last ten years of my life obsessing over you. Every night all I can think of is you…
PADME: Um, Annie--
I just don't think I could ever live my life without you! Please Padme, before you say anything, I just want you to know I love you… and I need you to know that when I wiped out that entire civilization just now, I did it just for you… for your smooth skin… for your beautiful eyes… for your oh-so-curvy--
PADME: Anakin, stop! You had me at "I killed them all!"
PADME used GLOMP!
PADME and ANAKIN are GLOMPED TOGETHER!
DARTH VADER appeared!
What the-?
PADME: Umm?
DARTH VADER: I must end this ugly scene… happiness has no place in anyone's life, including my own.
What are you talking about?? Who are you??
DARTH VADER: Anakin…. I AM YOUR… self!
Noooooooooooooo!!
...actually, your costume kinda rules. What inspired the helmet?
DARTH VADER: A horribly deformed face.
Noooooooooooooo!! ...how did that happen?
DARTH VADER: When I was 16 years old I was visited by my future self. He did this to me.
Why would he do that to his past self?
DARTH VADER: When you're me, you'll understand.
Um?
ANAKIN puts TWO and TWO together!
I'll never allow that!
DARTH VADER wants to fight!
Forget the formalities! RECKLESS CHAAAARRRRGGE!!
ANAKIN charges DIRECTLY at DARTH VADER!
DARTH VADER used the FORCE!
The FORCE tosses ANAKIN aside like a RAG DOLL!
Ungh…
DARTH VADER: The force is strong against this one…
You MIGHT even say it's SUPER EFFECTIVE!
Do what you will with Padme but please, spare me!
PADME: Yes, spare him please!
DARTH VADER: Idiots… of course I will spare Anakin, for he must become me someday. But first, I must turn him to the dark side…
I will never turn to the dark side!
DARTH VADER used FORCE!
PADME was FORCED to DISLIKE ANAKIN!
PADME suddenly REALIZES that ANAKIN is a PSYCHOPATH POWER-HUNGRY OBSESSIVE LOSER!
NARRATOR can't BELIEVE it took the FORCE to make her REALIZE THAT!
PADME: Oh Anakin… my wonderful psychopath power-hungry obsessive loser… I love you so much…
DARTH VADER: ...this is going to be harder than I thought.
Hey Padme, let's go frolic in the grass and roll around and laugh and be carefree!
PADME: Okay!
DARTH VADER: HEY! I'm not finished here yet!
C'mon, future me… don't you remember what it was like to be in love?
DARTH VADER: Yes. I also remember the pain of losing that love as a result of my evil self from the future. And I'm going to vent my rage on you!
But that doesn't make any senc--
DARTH VADER used FORCE STRANGLE!
PADME suddenly is UNABLE to BREATHE!
Oh phew, I thought you meant you were going to do something bad to me…
PADME collapses to the GROUND!
Padme…? Padme…? Are you alright?
PADME passes OUT!
NOOOOOOOOO!!!
DARTH VADER: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Location: Secluded Cave, Old World
Player: Yoda [Record: 948-0-0]
Hmmm… I sense a great disturbance in the force.
DISTURBANCE appeared!
DISTURBANCE was renamed NARRATOR!
So much hatred… so much anger…
YES, it is TRUE!
NARRATOR desires to SEE the DAY when EVERYONE IN RED VERSION is SUFFERING HORRIBLY!
Very unwise, the Narrator is. But it is not this of which I speak.
PERHAPS it is the PLOTHOLE involving DARTH VADER going BACK IN TIME to VISIT his YOUNGER SELF, despite the FACT that VADER has CLEARLY been AROUND since 1999!
Hmmm… yes… but this Vader I believe is not all he seems. An end user license agreement, he has.
...okay, YOU have OFFICIALLY lost the NARRATOR!
Missing, a piece of the puzzle still is.
PIECE OF PUZZLE appeared!
PIECE OF PUZZLE: Yoda… I have finally found you…
Missing, you have been.
PIECE OF PUZZLE was renamed DARTH VADER!
DARTH VADER: The force can be deceiving, green one.
Find my lair you have?
DARTH VADER: I've been told you possess great power. I want it.
Mmmm, wisdom I have. Power I have not.
DARTH VADER: You lie, I saw Episode II.
Special effects, those were.
DARTH VADER: Prove it.
YODA used FORCE!
...but nothing happened!
DARTH VADER: Bah! Lucas will die for this!
DARTH VADER storms OUT!
The dark side has taken him. Very distressing, this is.
YODA picks up LIGHT SABER!
DARTH VADER: Ah HA!
Storm out, I thought you did.
DARTH VADER: Yes, stormed OUT OF MY MIND! MUAHAHAHA!
Made no sense, that did.
DARTH VADER: Neither did that.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate… leads to--
DARTH VADER was renamed X-BOX!
Knew this, I did.
X-BOX: En guarde, Yoda...
To be continued…
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #148
Battle #149: Strange Tidings August 20, 2002
Location: The Path Between Worlds
Player: Emperor Sloth [Record: 4-6-2]
You know what really sucks?
NARRATOR wakes from HIBERNATION!
It really sucks that Kasparov has to fight X-Box by himself, and that John Movius, Green Valkyrie, Adam Deadmarsh, and Da Camera Man have all been turned into X-Box controllers, and that Hack Kor is behind the whole thing. It also kinda sucks that Magus is trapped inside an Albertson's Supermarket with a bunch of zombies and rabid dogs, with an insane police sergeant outside trying destroy the whole building using tanks.
THAT was a VERY SUBTLE way of RECAPPING!
Maybe if this site were updated more than four times a year we wouldn't have to do massive contrived recaps.
AUTHOR is FAR TOO LAZY to DEVELOP those PLOTLINES right now!
AUTHOR may as well WAIT until the next FANFIC!
Oooooh, a fanfic… can I have another shot at taking over the world? Pleeeease?
No!
Sigh… I wish something exciting would happen.
PLAYING CARD appeared!
Joy, a single playing card. I am sure hours of entertainment await me.
EMPEROR SLOTH looked at PLAYING CARD!
Neo the Magic Swordsman? WTF…?
MUSIC begins to PLAY!
Um, what?
Neo the Magic Swordsman
Had a very shiny sword (like a strobe light)
And if you ever saw it
You would very soon be gored (like Al Gore)
All of the other swordsmen
Used to laugh and call him names (like Al Gore)
They wouldn't let poor Neo
Join in any swordsmen games (like Pokémon)
Then one foggy battle's eve
The captain game to say (Muahaha)
Neo with your sword so bright
Won't you lead my men tonight
Then all the swordsmen loved him
And they shouted out with glee (whee hee!)
Neo the magic swordsman
You'll go down in history! (like Al Gore)
Uh… okay.
NEO THE MAGIC SWORDSMAN: You summoned me, sir?
Aaaaah! The guy on the card!
NEO: My name is Neo. Pleased to meet you, sir.
Where'd you come from?
NEO: I'm not sure, one moment I was in some guy's deck of cards, the next I was dropped into a gutter and ended up here. I suppose in the process of my card hitting the ground, I was accidentally summoned.
That made little to no sense.
NEO: You see, where I come from, there is this card game called Duel Monsters, and-
Holy sloth, that's one shiny sword you got there.
NEO: ...yes.
Man what kind of freak would carry a sword that shiny? I sure as hell won't play Pokémon with a freak like you.
NEO: You've hurt my feelings, sir.
I mean dang, I've seen some shiny swords before but that one just screams bad taste. Sorry dude, I have to rip your card in half on principle.
NEO: No! That card houses my soul! Without it I can never--
EMPEROR SLOTH used RIP!
CARD was DESTROYED!
NEO: Return… to… my world…
Ha! What a loser.
NEO: Sir, this cannot be forgiven.
Oh yeah? What're you going to do about it?
NEO: In my world, disputes are resolved through duels, but I do not have a deck of cards.
Yeah well in my world disputes are resolved by whoever looks more like Legolas decapitating himself.
NEO: I will not stand by and be insulted, defend yourself!
KAIBA: That won't be necessary, Neo.
WTF are you??
KAIBA: Now now, that's no way to greet the legendary Seto Kaiba, is it?
Let me guess, you fell into a gutter too?
KAIBA: It happens.
No, it doesn't.
KAIBA: Enough. I believe you have a card which belongs to me.
The one I destroyed?
KAIBA: Yes, the one you-- what?
I ripped it in half. What? It's a frigging card, just buy a seven of diamonds or something, geez.
KAIBA: Now you are going to be ripped in half, Slothian.
KAIBA: I challenge you to a duel!
Battle?
KAIBA: ...duel. Duel Monsters.
Battle. Poké Battles.
KAIBA: Draw five cards.
Send out your Pokémon.
KAIBA: We don't seem to be speaking the same language.
This doesn't take a Team Rocket Scientist, just send out a monster.
KAIBA: That's more like it. Oh look, it just so happens that I drew my most powerful card in my first hand!
KAIBA 2000 / SLOTH 2000
Uh, whatever. Go, Charmeleon! 1800/1200
KAIBA: I summon Blue-Eyes White Dragon 3000/2500, in Attack Mode!
KAIBA: Blue-Eyes White Dragon, White Lightning attack! 3000v1800
KAIBA 2000 SLOTH 800
CHARMELEON is DESTROYED!
Destroyed??
KAIBA: Ha ha! In my very first turn I have taken more than half your life points!
What the hell is a life point?
KAIBA: You are a very sad little sloth. I await your next move.
Damn Narrator, figures he'd just change the entire way battles work just because he feels like it. Sigh, the only other Pokémon I have is this puny Jigglypuff. Unless I evolved it into Doompuff 500,000/400,000 ...
CRIMSONKING: NO.
Sigh. Go, Jigglypuff! 800/500
Use your SING attack, Jiggler!
JIGGLYPUFF used SING!
Enemy BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON fell asleep!
Yes!
KAIBA: What? Impossible! My precious Blue-Eyes asleep on the job?
Your dialogue sucks.
KAIBA: Heh. It doesn't matter anyway. I summon another Blue-Eyes White Dragon 3000/2500, in attack mode!
Enemy BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON used WHITE LIGHTNING! 3000v800
KAIBA wins the DUEL!
Uh, but I have more Pokémon--
KAIBA: Ha! Even an amateur should know that once your life points are depleted, the duel is over!
Exactly what part of "WE ARE FROM DIFFERENT UNIVERSES" don't you understand?
KAIBA: Haha! Don't feel so bad, few have ever dueled against me and walked away with any dignity left!
Hmm… oh yeah…? I know a *cough* duelist who's undefeated. You could never beat him…
KAIBA: What?? You must tell me of this mysterious duelist!
Well you see, there's this company called Microsoft...
To be continued...
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #149
Battle #150: Third Charm August 22, 2002
Location: The Land of the Dead
Player: Almighty One [Record: 1-0-0]
OH MY GOD WHAT HORRIBLE TREMENDOUS PAIN AND-- where am I?
WELCOME to the LAND OF THE DEAD!
What??
YOU heard ME!
Uuuggghhhh… how did I die? One moment I was about to finish off Immortus and the next moment it felt like all my internal organs were being ripped out.
JOHN MOVIUS in BEAST FORM had a little SNACK!
Siiiiighh… what a retarded way to die.
MEWTWO: You should talk, I was killed by a freaking Weedle.
MEWTWO 2: I was mauled by Doompuff.
MEWTWO 3: Yeah well, Immortus stabbed me to death just as I realized that fighting is evil and--
Man, how many Mewtwos are there here?
ASH: I don't know but one of them is the reason I'm here…
MEWTWO 2: You were very tasty.
ASH ran away!
Hmm… it's times like these that I'm glad I arranged it so that one person can escape from the Land of the Dead every fiftieth battle. Now if only I knew where the portal's going to appear…
OAK: You must find it using trust and--
I trust you'll shut up now.
OAK slinks AWAY!
Alright, any more cameos by dead characters before we get to the main conflict in this battle?
BOB "THAT GUY" SMITH: Just a couple.
Hey Bob! My main man! How ya doin'?
BOB: I'm your main man? Since the hell when?
Since before naughty characters started using mild expletives on my website. Now, how do we get out of here?
BOB: Naughty my arse. Who are you, Santa Claus?
Silence. I need you to help me escape this place.
BOB: Eh. I tried to save your life once and I ended up here… what's going to happen to me if I try to help you again?
Well, if I ever regain my power I could bring you back to life…
BOB: Hmmmmmm… would you?
Well, I could. I probably won't. But I could.
BOB: Wow, that's good enough for me. The portal's right behind you.
WOOHOO! I-- heeeyyy that's not a portal, that's just a mirror.
BOB: It's a looking glass.
Is that what you people are calling it these days?
BOB: You're supposed to go through the looking glass. Look, the new Almighty Webmaster is English, alright?
Lousy Beswick… he shall pay soon enough. Alright then, through the looking glass I shall go!
ALMIGHTY ONE goes through the LOOKING GLASS!
ALMIGHTY ONE breaks the GLASS!
Here we goooaaaAAARRRRGHHH I'VE NEVER BLED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!
BOB: I can't believe you fell for that.
OH PLEASE LET ME DIE SO THE PAIN CAN STOP!!
BOB: Uh, you are dead… the pain is sort of inescapable.
OH GOD WTF I THINK I LOST A COUPLE OF MY FINGERS!
BOB: Wow, guess your typing days are over.
*SOB*
ALMIGHTY ONE dies!
Wow… I feel much better now.
BOB: I didn't know people could die here…
Must be a glitch in the system. Man, that portal is behind schedule.
MIDGYOTO: hehehe, lolol
Oh hell.
MIDGYOTO: u losers, i will go back to red not u, hehe lol
Hmm… you know Midgyo, to get to Red Verizon all you have to do is go through the looking glass.
MIDGYOTO: hehe lol only a real moron would fall for that one
WHY YOU LITTLE-- wait, did I just say Red Verizon back then? o.O
RED VERIZON wireless! Can you hear me NOW?
Sort of, but it's kind of garbled and muffled.
GOOD!
Even Beswick's sponsors suck. I need to get out of here!
MIDGYOTO: u have to go thru me first, hehe lol
MIDGYOTO wants to fight!
With pleasure. Bob "That Guy" Smith, I choose you!
BOB: You know, when you talk to me like that it robs me of my humanity.
Uh huh. Bob, use your body slam attack!
BOB: Ewwww I have to touch that little imp??
MIDGYOTO: i send out me, hehe lol
MIDGYOTO sent out MIDGYOTO!
BOB used BODY SLAM!
BOB's BODY slammed into enemy MIDGYOTO!
Way to go, Bob!
Enemy MIDGYOTO: that hurt but i can do stuff 2, hehe lol
Enemy MIDGYOTO used SUN OF AN ONION!
BOB was SUPERHEATED by the SUN OF AN ONION!
BOB has become SLUGGISH!
Don't quit on me now, Bob! Use your DROPKICK attack!
BOB fights the SLUGGLISHNESS!
BOB used DROPKICK!
Enemy MIDGYOTO flies AWAY!
YES!
...into PORTAL that suddenly APPEARS in MID-AIR!
PORTAL vanishes as QUICKLY as it APPEARED!
… … …
BOB: … … …
Did… I just see what I thought I saw?
BOB: It looks like I dropkicked Midgyo back into Red Verizon.
Uhm, Bob?
BOB: Version. What the hell?
YOU IDIOT, HOW COULD YOU DROPKICK MIDGYO INTO RED VERSION??
BOB: Geez I dunno, you created me!
Oh please, if it weren't for StarCraft you'd have never been born! You were an accident!
BOB GASPS and CHOKES on his WORDS!
Oh come on Bob, you know I didn't mean it like that.
BOB sinks to his KNEES and begins to WEEP!
Oh geez, what have I done now?
OAK: You have forgotten to treat your creations with trust and love! Without that, you will never return to Earth!
Right now I'd settle for returning to frigging Red Version.
OAK: Verizon.
Don't get me started.
LUKE SKYWALKER appeared!
LUKE: Sorry I'm late, I stopped by the Hitachi Station to pick up some power converters. Am I too late to help you kill Midgyo?
..yes Luke. Just what on earth do you need power converters for in the Land of the Dead?
LUKE: Uh, you know. To… convert… um, power. Yeah, that's it.
We're all standing around in a non-descript void, what's power going to do for us??
LUKE: I figured if we generated enough power we could create our own portals to escape from this place en-masse.
O.o
Is that possible?
LUKE: Oh yeah. I just need to go back to the Hitachi Station and pick up some more--
Uh, tell you what - I'll go with you.
LUKE: Wow, what an honor! To think I get to travel with the Almighty One!
Yeah well… I'm two worlds removed from where I belong, you may as well just call me Jason while I'm down here.
LUKE: Wow, I'm on a first name basis with the Almighty One! Er, I mean, with Jason!
This idea of yours had better work… the Land of the Dead must rise from the grave by Halloween, else it will be futile.
LUKE: Actually it makes no difference when we--
Just go to the Hitachi Station, Luke.
LUKE: Yessir!
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