|
Valkyrie Gambit
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #126: Certain Doom October 31, 2001
Location: The plane of eternal torment
Player: Bob "That Guy" Smith [Record: 6-9-0]
-UCK?? ...eh? ...what happened?
VOICE: You are dead, Bob.
What? Who threatens me? Show yourself!
VOICE: It is not a threat… it is a statement of fact.
Where am I? What is this place??
YOU see a LONG PATH stretched in FRONT of you, with SEVERAL LARGE, IMPOSING TREES lining it! IT is very DARK, and a FULL MOON hangs in the NIGHT SKY!
Geez, what is this, a D&D description?
ALSO, several AL GORE CORPSES are HANGING from the TREES!
What the-??
AL GORE CORPSE #1: Preeegnaaaaant chaaaaaaaaaaad….
AAAAAAAAAAAH!
What demonic force brought me to this place??
VOICE: You will have to answer that question for yourself, Bob.
One moment I'm sprinting toward Nerra-Torr with Butch and Warren, and the next-- … oh, Great Webmaster, am I…?
VOICE: I don't like repeating myself.
Is this… *gulp* … the Land of the Dead?
VOICE: You wish.
Uh oh…
SOMETHING very SINISTER is APPROACHING you!
H-hey! Stay away! I… I'm a very uhm powerful trainer!
VOICE: You couldn't train your way out of a paper bag, Bob.
SKELETON in a BLACK CLOAK carrying a GIANT SICKLE appeared!
Oh, whew… am I glad to see you, Death. You had me scared for a moment.
DEATH: I've lost my touch, it seems.
So.. If this place isn't the Land of the Dead… then where am I?
DEATH: When a Poké Battles character dies, he or she is sent to the Land of the Dead… part of that process is the transfer of that character from the Red Version server to the Land of the Dead server, sometimes called Black Version.
Sounds racist.
DEATH: Shut up. For some reason, your transfer to the new server was delayed… as a matter of fact, it began just before Doompuff destroyed the Red Version server…
Uh oh…
DEATH: I thought I told you to shut up. Your transfer to the Land of the Dead was only halfway completed. Therefore you find yourself in this corrupt form of cyberspace, this… land of half-completed downloads, half-finished fanfics, and half-elected Presidential candidates.
In other words, hell.
DEATH: If you speak again before I'm finished explaining things, you will find out what true hell is.
…
DEATH: …
…
DEATH: You may speak now.
You're done?
DEATH: I said you could speak, didn't I?
Okay, so uhmm… how do I get to the Land of the Dead?
DEATH: I cannot help you with that. I am here mainly to watch you and provide sarcastic commentary when needed. And to kill you if I feel like it.
Great… well, there's a path, so I may as well walk down it…
DEATH: A final note of caution… do not stray from the path once you begin to walk down it… you may find yourself in one of Matt Beswick's incomplete fanfics, and then not even I will be able to help you.
*gulp* … alright.
BOB begins WALKING down the PATH!
Sooo… Deathie-boy…
DEATH: …pardon?
You ever wonder why Halloween seems to be the only holiday that the Poké Battles Universe ever acknowledges on any level?
DEATH: No, I do not wonder. This is in fact the most evil universe in the multiverse. It stands to reason.
DOOMPUFF: DOOM!
AAAH! DOOMPUFF!!!
DEATH: So it is.
DOOMPUFF: Doom? DOOM DOOM DOOM! RABID PUFF DOOM PUFF!
Why is it not killing me?
DEATH: Because you're still on the path. Except for your shoelace.
SHOELACE was HUNGRILY DEVOURED by DOOMPUFF!
Eeeeeep.
DEATH: ...didn't I tell you to shut up?
But… you said I could speak aga--
DEATH randomly decides to KILL YOU!
AAAAAAAAH!
YOU begin RUNNING down the PATH!
OWL is in CLOSE PURSUIT!
Friggin' Death! Knew he couldn't be trusted-- did you say owl?
BOB stops running in CONFUSION!
I refuse to be chased by an owl.
OWL HOOTS and sits in a TREE!
Uhh… hey, Mr. Owl…
OWL: I do not know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop, so LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!
...curses.
But what about-?
OWL: I also don't know how to get past whatever dungeon you're currently stuck in on whatever Zelda game you're currently playing.
Awww… stupid Water Temple…
WATER TEMPLE appeared!
Wha??
WATER TEMPLE is BLOCKING the PATH!
NOO!! Don't tell me I have to clear the water temple to move on!
WATER TEMPLE collapses!
...whew… wonder why that happened…
WATER TEMPLE had been CONSTRUCTED of WATER!
TIDAL WAVE is RAPIDLY APPROACHING!
OWL: I'll hold it off!
OWL flies DIRECTLY into TIDAL WAVE, INSTANTLY DROWNING!
Wha… what the-? I--- AAAAAAAAAHH!
YOU turn AROUND and begin to RUN from the approaching WAVE!
DEATH: Ah ha, there you are!
AAAAAH!
YOU turn AROUND and begin to RUN toward the approaching WAVE!
I have no choice.. I.. Gaaaaaaaah!
YOU run off the PATH!
The SOUND of MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WATER can be heard SPLASHING BEHIND you!
DEATH was SWEPT AWAY!
Whew… I better get back to the path before--
YOU are STANDING in a DENSE FOREST!
What… what happened to the path?
PATH is NOWHERE to be FOUND!
NO! What have I done??
YOU have strayed from the PATH!
Your FATE is FOREVER SEALED!
Nonononono… there must be a way back, there must be a way back…
PIKACHU appeared!
AAAH-- wait, that shouldn't be too scary..
PIKACHU: I know the way back.
Oh, that's good to hear-- wait, how is it that you can talk?
PIKACHU: You question my ability to talk but not the Suicide Owl?
True, but why are you as tall as I am? And what's with the black cloak? And why are you carrying a sickle? And why are you sopping wet?
DEATH removes PIKACHU mask!
DEATH: ...okay, so you found me out.
Why were you trying to kill me earlier?
DEATH: What do you mean by 'earlier'?
DEATH raises its GIANT SICKLE!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
YOU ran away!
YOU ran for SEVERAL MILES!
*gaaaaassspp* ...I think I lost him.
MATT BESWICK appeared!
...hi.
MATT BESWICK wants to know what you're DOING in his FANFIC!
Uh oh…
MATT BESWICK says there's no TIME to think about ESCAPE!
YOU had better PRAY!
MATT BESWICK vanished!
What on Earth was that supposed to mean…?
APOCALYPSE began!
GAAAH! How do I escape??
GROUND beneath your FEET begins to OPEN UP!
GIANT CHASMS appear on EITHER SIDE of you!
The very FABRIC of SPACE and TIME rip OPEN directly ABOVE you!
Why, cruel fate, why?
APOCALYPSE abruptly STOPPED!
…what… what happened?
MATT BESWICK doesn't feel like WRITING anymore!
Oh… that is good…
YOU slipped on an ILLOGICALLY-PLACED BANANA PEEL!
AAAH!
BOB tumbled into CHASM!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhh….
BOB landed on the GROUND!
...now where am I?
YOU are standing on the PATH!
Again? How's that possible?
It's NOT!
Yet HERE you ARE!
Well, assuming nothing else gets in my way, I should be alright…
AOL appeared!
...huh?
YEP, the ENTIRE ISP is just SITTING THERE, right on the PATH!
Oh great, AOL… my old nemesis…
Though it does seem strange that the AOL ISP is just a guy in a black cloak with a sign displaying the AOL logo covering his face.
DEATH: I am really getting tired of jumping through hoops to distract you.
Well it's not my faul--
HOOP appeared!
DEATH: Curses! Not again!
DEATH used JUMP!
DEATH JUMPED through the HOOP!
Man, that must really suck.
DEATH: My job really sucks.
Seriously, though… why did yo--
GIANT PAPER BAG appears!
YOU become TRAPPED in a GIANT PAPER BAG!
Whaaaaaaa? NOOOOOO I don't know how to train my way out of these!
DEATH: I'll cut you out.
DEATH raises its SICKLE!
*whew* Thanks Death, you're a real pal.
DEATH used CUT!
SICKLE cut CLEANLY through PAPER BAG!
Attack continued!
SICKLE cut CLEANLY through BOB!
*urk*
BOB died!
Location: The Land of the Dead
LUKE SKYWALKER wants to know if you're OKAY!
I… think I am… maaan I had the weirdest dream…
LUKE SKYWALKER says he and the GANG made you a T-SHIRT to CELEBRATE your LONG-DELAYED ARRIVAL in the LAND OF THE DEAD!
...I guess it wasn't a dream.
"I Survived Doompuff's Rampage 2000 but Didn't Survive Nerra-Torr's Rampage Later that Year" … well, it's more up-to-date than the shirt I'm wearing…
LUKE SKYWALKER says it is an HONOR to have you AMONG THE DEAD!
Yeah… man, this place sure beats that 'Plane of Torment' or whatever that was…
LUKE SKYWALKER says he's not so SURE about THAT!
Eh?
MIDGYOTO: hehe, lol .. look man a new son of an onion lol
JAR-JAR BINKS: meesa knowin' hesa good'n humana
OAK #56: Trust and Love! Trust and Love! Trust and Love!
AL GORE: I'M NOT DEAD YET!! WHEN WILL YOU ALL LISTEN TO ME! I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE FREAKIN' UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! WHEN THE SECRET SERVICE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS 'LAND OF THE DEAD' TERRORIST CELL, THEY'RE GONNA--
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
VIOLINS start playing STACCATO notes in the BACKGROUND!
DEATH: I told you I would show you true hell.
*sob*
mUAhAHAhAhAHaHahAH….
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #126
Battle #127: Marsh of Death December 3, 2001
Location: Earth
Player: Immortus [Record: 2-2-0]
~ On the first day of Poké Battles Jason wrote for me… some oddness from Laaaaani. :) ~ WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE VIII
Why?? WHY is this happening!??
SHADOWY FIGURE advises you to CALM DOWN!
How can I calm down while the Narrator is here??
SHADOWY FIGURE says you have a POINT, but--
But nothing! This defies all natural conventions of how the Poké Battles Universe works! By definition, my presence here on Earth means that a the Narrator can't exist!
SHADOY FIGURE advises you to SUSPEND your DISBELIEF for a MOMENT and stop TRYING to REASON everything OUT!
Perhaps you are right… it is just a little frustrating. I haven't authored a battle in weeks, yet battles persist in Red Version. My powers are but a shadow of what they were even after the sundering of the Worlds. Now I hear of this "Little Red Writing Hood" who is supposedly taking control of Red Version… how can I not be the slightest bit upset by this??
SHADOY FIGURE suggest you start THINKING outside the BOX!
...the box?
X - BOX: PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED
Good lord, even the ridiculous pun-spawned advertisements from Red Version are here… just what is going on here??
SHADOWY FIGURE says that YOU already know the ANSWER!
...oh no.
Location: The Path Between Worlds
Impossible! How am I here??
SHADOWY FIGURE: You'll have to answer that for yourself.
OWL: Yeah, it's not like I'm going to explain it. Hoot.
Where'd the owl come from?
OWL: Three.
SHADOWY FIGURE: Pay no heed to the owl. Focus instead upon--
Just who are you, anyway??
SHADOWY FIGURE: I am not at liberty to disclose--
IMMORTUS shines FLASHLIGHT in SHADOWY FIGURE's FACE!
*gasp* … it's you!
SHADOWY FIGURE: For this you shall not be forgiven.
SHADOWY FIGURE vanishes!
Wow… I never would have guessed… but it just doesn't make any sense! How could--
ADAM DEADMARSH appeared!
What the-?
DEADMARSH: What the-?
What are you doing here?
DEADMARSH: I was just about to jam my hockey stick down some dude's throat but now I'm suddenly here?
You're a hockey player?
DEADMARSH: You can't tell by the HOCKEY UNIFORM and SKATES and HELMET I'm wearing and HOCKEY STICK I'm carrying?
Oh.
….so uhh… Deadmarsh… just how did you come by that name of yours?
DEADMARSH: My family used to live in a marsh.
I see… and the 'dead' part?
DEADMARSH: You don't want to know.
...hey, now that I think about it… I remember you from that NHL Hitz videogame. You had really high aggression, I got into fights with you all the time.
DEADMARSH: That makes me feel angry and aggressive.
Ha, you've sure got a sense of humor, heh heh heheh… you're… not joking, are you...
DEADMARSH wants to fight!
You do realize that all I have to do to gain almighty godlike powers is walk about a hundred yards until I'm in New World, right?
DEADMARSH: You do realize you'll never get that far, right?
……
IMMORTUS used RUN!
IMMORTUS feels DEADMARSH's HOCKEY STICK around his NECK!
*gack*
DEADMARSH: Prepare to taste hockey stick, god boy.
OWL! Help me!
OWL: Hoot. You must first solve the puzzle of the Ocarina.
DEADMARSH: Not even Zelda's Lullaby can save you now.
At least fight me like a man! No need to resort to inner-city Los Angeles beatdown tactics...
DEADMARSH: I play Hockey for L.A. Your implication that my city is a violent place further increases my aggressive feelings.
But… but you're only confirming the stereoty--
DEADMARSH: Silence, worm.
DEADMARSH jams HOCKEY STICK into your BACK!
Luckily I'm an immortal soul that cannot be killed… muahahaowwwwowouuchh
DEADMARSH: Really? No matter how badly I beat you, you won't die?
...uhh
DEADMARSH: Cool!
DEADMARSH proceeds to JAM his HOCKEY STICK into NEW and INTERESTING places!
Uhh… OWW… please don't let that get too interest-- GRAARRGHH… ing..
DEADMARSH: I wonder if I can separate all the discs in your spine from each other…
LANI appeared!
What the-?
DEADMARSH: What the-?
LANI: Odd.
DEADMARSH: Are you calling me odd?
LANI: i'm not sure,maybe
DEADMARSH: That makes me feel aggressive.
LANI: have you tried talking to yourself?
DEADMARSH: Huh?
LANI: you just have to think of something to say
DEADMARSH: I could think about being aggressive…
LANI: blinking is good too
*whew* Thanks Lani, you're a lifesav- *URK*
DEADMARSH: Did I say you could speak, worm?
LANI: sorry Immortus,i tried
That's okay Lani, it's the thought that counnnnrrrrrrggggghh!!
LANI goes off to find a STAMP!
Permission to speak, sir?
DEADMARSH: Denied.
DEADMARSH CRUSHES you!
…
DEADMARSH: …
…
DEADMARSH: Wassap?
Uh-
DEADMARSH: You speak, you die.
DEADMARSH kicks you in the HEAD!
…
DEADMARSH: …
This battle suc--
DEADMARSH picks you up by the HAIR and KNEES you in the GUT, sending you BACK to the GROUND!
…
DEADMARSH: …
OWL: Hoot.
DEADMARSH: That owl makes me feel aggressive.
OWL: I have the questions you seek to the answers you have.
DEADMARSH: Really? What are tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?
OWL: No no. I have the questions. You must provide the answers.
DEADMARSH: That logic makes me feel more aggressive.
OWL: That is your answer? The question is: 'What makes you feel more aggressive?'
DEADMARSH: I want to fight you, Owl.
OWL: Hoot. Don't make me dive bomb you.
DEADMARSH: C'mon bird - let's see what you got.
OWL: Hoot. H00t. H00t w00t h0000000t
WTF is going on--* OWW!
DEADMARSH bashes you in the HEAD one last TIME before facing the OWL!
DEADMARSH is DIVEBOMBED by OWL!
DEADMARSH is CHASED into OLD WORLD by the OWL!
*phew* … let that world deal with those two… *shudder*
And now, I better hurry up and get to New World so I can-- oooooooooh, a Dance Dance Revolution machine…
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #127
Battle #128: Prison Break December 4, 2001
Location: The Dungeon of Torment, New World
Player: John Movius [Record: 6-1-0]
~ On the second day of Poké Battles Jason wrote for me… two moronic guards, and some oddness from Laaaaani. :) ~ WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE IX
GREEN VALKYRIE: O Movius, Movius… wherefore art thou Movius?
Lo, for I couldst not help my identity; such that it should be understood that such a name wouldst have been granted unto me by ones such as my ancestors, or perhaps to put a thing more specifically such that it will not be misunderstood, my parents.
VALKYRIE: Huh? No no, I was asking where you are.
NARRATOR activates MOVIUS FLOWERY SPEECH TRANSLATOR!
Oh, in that case I'm in the cell next to yours.
VALKYRIE: Oh, gentle sir, what is to become of us?
GUARD #1: Well, eventually we're going to kill you.
GUARD #2: Yes, but not until after we have some "fun" with the woman.
GUARD #1: Har har. Yes, we will have much fun.
Huh? Stay away from a fair maiden such as her!
GUARD #1: But she's so purdy…
GUARD #2: Yes, much prettiness on that one
I warn you, keep your distance or prepare to face the wrath of MOVIUS.
GUARD #1: Har har. There's nothing you can do inside that cell.
GUARD #2: Yes, now let's have some "fun".
GUARD #1 whips out a MONOPOLY BOARD!
GUARDS laugh MANIACALLY as they ADVANCE upon GREEN VALKYRIE!
VALKYRIE: Nooooooooooooooo!
I WARNED YOU!!
MOVIUS begins to TRANSFORM into… ANGRY MOVIUS!
MOVIUS BEND!!!!
MOVIUS used BEND!
MOVIUS bends the BARS to the CELL with his BARE HANDS!
MOVIUS CHARGE!!!!
MOVIUS used CHARGE!
MOVIUS CHARGES into GREEN VALKYRIE's CELL!
MOVIUS is HORRIFIED to see VALKYRIE landing on BOARDWALK!
MOVIUS NOOOOOOooooooo!!!
MOVIUS breaks down and CRIES!
GUARD #1: How did he get out?
GUARD #2: Yes, he got out.
GUARD #1: That was a question, moron.
GUARD #2: Yes, it was.
VALKYRIE: Gentle sir… art thou alright?
My poor, poor maiden… robbed of her innocence by these vile men…
VALKYRIE: Sir… I've a confession to make… this is not the first time I've landed on Boardwalk.
*sob* But I thought you to be… to be…
VALKYRIE: I am sorry, gentle sir. I have played quite a bit of Monopoly in my time…
Nooooooooo…..
Is NARRATOR the ONLY ONE HERE who has NO IDEA what the HELL this CONVERSATION is ABOUT??
GUARD #1: Har har, Valkyrie sure has a nice Community Chest.
GUARD #2: Yes, she does. …. Wait, she landed on Chance, moron.
GUARD #1: My bad.
I shall not allow this travesty to continue. Come out and fight me like men!
GUARD #1: Right after this game, okay?
GUARD #2: Yes, it will be over soon.
Alright, I'll give you guys a few- NO! I will not stand for this!
GUARD #1: Fine, if it's a fight you want…
GUARD #2: ...it's a fight you'll get!
GUARDS were renamed PARKER BROS.!
PARKER BROS. wants to fight!
"Wants"?
PARKER BROS. sent out BOARDWALK!
Ugh, point that vile property away from me! Hack Kor, take care of it!
Get'm, HACK KOR!
HACK KOR: w00t, my good Parker Bros. men.
Oh great, he's talking like a Jamaican butler again…
HACK KOR: | w|ll r0xx0r u
Enemy BOARDWALK used PAYDAY!
HACK KOR is forced to SPEND ¥2000!
That's practically nothing…
HACK KOR: I 4m p00r n0w
Stupid hacker, retaliate or something.
HACK KOR: I'm f33l|ng s4d
Don't make me pun your name by hacking you into little pieces, Mr. Kor.
HACK KOR used HACK!
HACK KOR HACKED himself into LITTLE PIECES!
What the…?
LITTLE MONOPOLY PIECES, that is!
……
THIMBLE appeared!
IRON appeared!
SHOE appeared!
THIMBLE: More caviar, my good Parker Bros. Men?
IRON: w00t! w00t w00t w00t luvvvvvvvvv!
SHOE: Odd.
Uh... alright Monopoloy pieces… attack!
MONOPOLY PIECES begin FLYING CIRCLES around PARKER BROS.!
Enemy PARKER BROS. became DISORIENTED!
Alright! Now--
Ally GREEN VALKYRIE hit PARKER BROS. over the HEAD with MONOPOLY BOARD!
Enemy PARKER BROS. fainted!
*whew*
NOW you must face enemy SMASH BROS.!
Huh?
SMASH BROS. MELEE! ONLY $49.99 at a STORE near YOU! ONLY for NINTENDO GAMECUBE!
Uhhhh… just an ad, I hope?
CORRECT! YOU don't REALLY have to fight the SMASH BROS.!
That's a relief.
HOWEVER, enemy BOARDWALK still remains!
Well, since there's no trainer to "block the ball" …
MOVIUS used GREAT BALL!
The GREAT BALL!! It's grrrrrrrrreeeaat!
Please never do that pun again.
GREAT BALL was caught!
A joy I suddenly experience from accomplishing such a feat, such that a small double-u might be placed before a double-zero, and followed only then by a tea. Yea, for it verily expresses my feelings upon capturing such a--
NARRATOR kicks TRANSLATOR!
w00t!
GREEN VALKYRIE advises that the TWO of you should MAKE GOOD your ESCAPE!
Right… but first, I think you should put your clothes back on.
VALKYRIE: I've been wearing my armor this whole time, gentle sir.
Oh… it's uh.. Hard to tell…
VALKYRIE: Perhaps I should steal a shirt from one of the guards. It would do much to--
No time for that. We must flee this place!
GREEN VALKYRIE sighs and AGREES!
...and with that, John Movius and Green Valkyrie ran happily off into the sunset. Sadly, their happiness would not last long…
What's that the Narrator just said?
VALKYRIE: Nothing important, gentle sir.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #128
Battle #129: Sealed Fate December 5, 2001
Location: New World Military Headquarters
Player: Da Revolution Man [Record: 3-2-1]
~ On the third day of Poké Battles Jason wrote for me… three ugly cretins, two moronic guards, and some oddness from Laaaaani. :) ~ WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE X
CHESTER wants to know what you're DOING here!
Well you're the one who drugged me and threw me in here…
CHESTER: Perhaps you didn't understand. I wish to know what you're doing in New World.
I heard GameCube came out early here.
CHESTER: Oh, a wise guy are you?
Uh, I guess…
CHESTER: I'm surprised Immortus didn't strike you dead the moment you set foot on our soil… but I suppose in his infinite wisdom he left that task to me.
So does that make Immortus a wise guy too…?
CHESTER: Silence, cretin.
GUARDS suddenly BURST into the ROOM!
CHESTER: What now??
GUARD #1: We have bad news to tell you.
GUARD #2: Yes, that we do.
GUARD #1: The prisoners have escaped.
GUARD #2: Yes, especially the well-dressed woman.
GUARD #1: Har har, very well dressed was she.
GUARD #2: Yes, she most of all, escaped.
GUARD #1: The other one did too.
GUARD #2: Yes, just to be clear.
Yes! Valkyrie escaped!
CHESTER: Silence, all of you! How did such a thing happen?
GUARD #1: The other guard was incompetent, sir.
GUARD #2: Yes, the other guard was very incompetent.
CHESTER angrily DISMISSES the GUARDS!
Wow, your guards suck.
CHESTER: Yes, but they can play a pretty mean game of Monopoly…
CHESTER: *ahem* Back to business. I need you to bring this Valkyrie back to me, dead or alive.
What are you talking about? I would have to like… betray her to do that.
CHESTER: So? I betray people all the time! It's FUN!
As fun as a GameCube?
CHESTER: Uh… sure.
In that case… alright, but I refuse to kill her.
CHESTER: But killing is fun! You should try it.
Alright, fine, whatever… it sure beats sitting around here.
CHESTER: Excellent! Here, I'll loan you some of my Cretins.
CHESTER sent out THREE CRETINS!
You caught CRETINS!
Wow, thanks.
CHESTER: Just remember… if you have any thoughts of switching sides again… those cretins will disembowel you.
Uh… okay.
CHESTER: Now go! Kill!
*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH*
Location: Random Place, New World
Well… that was trippy. I wonder how I did that.
SNOT-NOSED NEW WORLDIAN KID appeared!
Hello, New Worlder.
SNOT-NOSED NEW WORLDIAN KID: Eeek! An Old Worlder!
No no, I have joined your si--
SNOT-NOSED NEW WORLDIAN KID is THROWING STICKS and STONES at you!
Yeah well… sticks and stones may break my bones, but-
*CRACK*
OWOWOWOWOWOWWWWW!
SNOT-NOSED NEW WORLDIAN KID #2 appeared!
SNOT-NOSED NEW WORLDIAN KID #2: Hey, that looks fun!
SNOT-NOSED NEW WORLDIAN KID #2 begins hurling BOULDERS at you!
Pleeeeese stop… I'm one of you now--
*SMASH*
Cretins, go! Protect me!
Go! CRETINS!
CRETIN #1: These are not the enemy.
CRETIN #2: Are you trying to betray Chester already?
CRETIN #3: Why do you wish us to attack New Worldians?
They're beating me up…
CRETIN #1: You're not thinking of fighting back, are you?
CRETIN #2: You wouldn't want to do that to a New Worldian.
CRETIN #3: Unless you want to see how our DISEMBOWEL attack works.
But… but what am I supposed to d-?
*CRUNCH*
Erggh…
CRETINS stand around and WATCH!
That does it, I gotta fight back!
CRETIN #3 used DISEMB--
AAAAAH! Alright alright, I'll just run away!
REVOLUMAN used RUN!
However, LEGS were too BROKEN to do that!
Army crawl! Army crawl!
REVOLUMAN used CRAWL!
REVOLUMAN CRAWLED into an ARMY of SNOT-NOSED NEW WORLDIAN KIDS!
NOOOOOO!!
MASSIVE BEATDOWN begins!
[23:03] * JasonR is stuck on this battle
[23:04] <JasonR> I'm not sure what to write after the line MASSIVE BEATDOWN begins!
[23:04] <MrKite> wasn't there a game once called beatdown?
[23:05] <JasonR> was there? I'll just use a pun then. thanks
Yes, the KIDS are all playing a GAME called BEATDOWN!
I never heard of that game…
KITE says it EXISTS, so it MUST!
...UNLESS you'd rather they LITERALLY BEAT you DOWN!
No no, I'll just crawl away…
IMMORTUS appeared!
Thank the Almighty!
IMMORTUS: ...the Almighty is my sworn enemy.
Er, sorry. I was just expressing my joy upon seeing you.
IMMORTUS: ...but you're from the Old World.
IMMORTUS prepares to VAPORIZE you!
No wait! I switched sides! I work for Chester now! I WORK FOR CHESTER!
IMMORTUS: Now why don't I believe you?
CRETIN #1: Because he's lying.
CRETIN #2: He wanted to kill a bunch of innocent kids.
CRETIN #3: We saw it with our own eyes.
HEY! They were trying to KILL me! Not the other way around!
IMMORTUS: I grow weary of this.
IMMORTUS used VAPORIZE!
But-!
REVOLUMAN dissolved into ASHES!
OWWWWW!!
IMMORTUS wins!
IMMORTUS: Now why are there so many snot-nosed kids just standing around in the middle of nowhere like this…?
THEY are playing BEATDOWN!
IMMORTUS: There's no such game as Beatdown, though.
A CERTAIN "MR KITE" is going to DIE, then!
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #129
Battle #130: Test of Slothian Strength
December 7, 2001
Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins, Old World
Player: Lord Sloth [Record: 2-5-0]
~ On the fourth day of Poké Battles Jason wrote for me… four spell-checked wheelies,, three ugly cretins, two moronic guards, and some oddness from Laaaaani. :) ~ WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE XI
ALMIGHTY ONE: Lord Sloth… it appears we have a problem.
Hnn.. I already told you, I dislike helping you with your math homework.
ALMIGHTY ONE: No, it's not that… it appears we have a traitor in our midst.
I knew that Emperor Sloth was up to no good…
ALMIGHTY ONE: Emperor Sloth is fine. It is Green Valkyrie that I am concerned about.
Ah yes… well, she betrayed me… I do not know why you're surprised that she betrayed you as well.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Yes, but.. I never imagined it from her… she just seemed so, so…
Scantily clad?
ALMIGHTY ONE: ...yeah.
Deadly mistake.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Perhaps not. My spies report that Green Valkyrie isn't welcome at all in New World…
You have spies?
ALMIGHTY ONE: Well… the Old World Intelligence Agency…
Old World has an Intelligence Agency?
ALMIGHTY ONE: ...alright, I just read about it on pokebattles.com
I figured. So why did you come to me about this?
ALMIGHTY ONE: I need you to take a squad into the Path Between Worlds, and assassinate Green Valkyrie, and if possible, John Movius.
Hnnn. What makes you so sure they'll be there?
ALMIGHTY ONE: Just a hunch, my dear Sloth… it is the only spot where they are not vulnerable to Immortus' or my wrath… at least, not directly.
Well… destroying those two would certainly cheer me up… who am I to be allied with?
ALMIGHTY ONE: You are to be paired with another who has equal right to Green Valkyrie's life…
Hnnnnn?
OAK appeared!
HNN?? Surely you are kidding me!
OAK: What? Oh, I'm not here to join you. I'm just here to warn you to trust and love your new ally or else I'll lay the Oak smackdown on you. Trust and love! Trust and love! Trust and- *poof*
ALMIGHTY ONE VAPORIZES OAK!
THANK you.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Sorry, those Oaks are really getting out of hand… this place needs an exterminator.
So… about that ally you spoke of?
ALMIGHTY ONE: Yes, she is standing directly behind me.
ALMIGHTY ONE steps to the SIDE!
YELLOW ARCHER appeared!
Hnn.. The Yellow Archer is still alive..?
YELLOW ARCHER: It is a long story.
APPROXIMATELY TWO YEARS EARLIER:
YELLOW ARCHER ran AWAY!
YELLOW ARCHER: ...and I have been running ever since.
Hnn. How far did you get?
APPROXIMATELY ONE WEEK EARLIER:
YELLOW ARCHER reaches END OF THE UNIVERSE!
Wow, that must have sucked.
YELLOW ARCHER: Not really, there was a nice restaurant there.
Well… shall we be off, then?
YELLOW ARCHER: No. First you must defeat me in combat. It is the only way for you to prove that you're worthy.
Hnn. But if I defeat you, doesn't that make you unworthy?
YELLOW ARCHER: No.
...right.
YELLOW ARCHER wants to fight!
Almighty One, talk some sense into her.
ALMIGHTY ONE: I'd like to see this battle, actually.
Hnn.. Fine then.. Venosloth, go.
VENOSLOTH? WHEN was the LAST TIME you used VENOSLOTH?
Why does it matter?
NARRATOR isn't sure you even still HAVE that POKéMON!
...and NARRATOR is too LAZY to check the ARCHIVES!
How about giving me the benefit of the doubt, Narrator?
NARRATOR DOUBTS that you DESERVE any BENEFITS!
Please, will you just this once--
VENOSLOTH EXPLODED!
*sigh* I guess I'll have to--
YELLOW ARCHER was caught in the EXPLOSION!
Yes!
YELLOW ARCHER grew STRONGER from the BLAST!
Finally, a stroke of lu-- eh?
Wait… she grew stronger from having a Venosloth blow up in her face?
YELLOW ARCHER: I ate my Wheaties this morning.
I don't know what's more disturbing… the fact that Wheaties is part of this complete breakfast, or that the spell-checker wants to change that word to Wheelies.
YELLOW ARCHER sent out WHEELIES!
NO!
YES!
FOUR WHEELIES are SURROUNDING you!
What the HELL is a Wheelie?
It looks like YOU are about to find OUT!
Hnn.. Being as I have no idea what I'm fighting, I better just sit tight…
Enemy WHEELIES used ZOOM!
Enemy WHEELIES are ZOOMING TOWARD you!
Hnn.
Enemy WHEELIES get TRIPPED UP in the RUBBLE of the CASTLE RUINS!
Hnnnn…?
Enemy WHEELIES lost their BALANCE!
Enemy WHEELIES fainted!
Enemy YELLOW ARCHER cedes the MATCH!
You win!
Hnnnnnnnnnnn??
YELLOW ARCHER: You are indeed a worthy adversary. You may join with me in this quest.
But… I didn't do anyth--
YELLOW ARCHER: It was a brilliant strategy.
But I just… uh… outsmarted the Wheelies… yes…
ALMIGHTY ONE: That may have been the shortest battle in history, save for Da Evolution Man's instant loss battles.
ADAM DEADMARSH sprints by in a PANIC!
What the-?
ALMIGHTY ONE: ...who was that?? He had the look of death in his eyes.
OWL zooms past!
OWL: h00000000t!
Hnn. Well, that explains it.
ALMIGHTY ONE: This is unsettling.. I am losing what little control I still have over the events in Old World. Sloth, you must accomplish this mission as quickly as possible.
Hnnn.. I understand. May I ask a question, Almighty One?
ALMIGHTY ONE: Only if it's tasteful.
Ah… I was wondering why you haven't deployed Nerra-Torr in the war yet.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Patience, Sloth… an ace up one's sleeve is more powerful than an ace on the table…
Uh, actually I believe the ace on the table usually is far more effective.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Okay, bad metaphor. Trust me, I am saving Nerra-Torr for something far greater…
You forgot about him, didn't you.
ALMIGHTY ONE: ...yes.
Hnn. I suppose I'll be off, then.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Good luck, Lord Sloth. And Yellow Archer, may you find the vengeance you seek.
YELLOW ARCHER: I shall take great pleasure in this kill.
Hnn, yes. Remember kids, violence can solve any problem.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #130
>> Next Five Battles
|
|
