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Retrocession
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #141: Biohazard Thursday, April 11, 2002
Location: Guardia, Old World
Player: Crono [Record: 1-0-0]
Magus! I've waited nearly three years, but I have finally found you!
MAGUS: ...who are you? I don't even remember.
Don't play dumb with me! ...oh wait, you haven't met me before…
MAGUS: Are you going somewhere with this? I have some grocery shopping to get done today.
Your crimes will never be forgiv-- grocery shopping?
MAGUS: Yes, I'm low on margarine.
Aren't you an evil mage?
MAGUS: Evil mages are people too. Who did you say you were?
I'm Crono, here to avenge-- uh… here to avenge…
MAGUS: You've forgotten, haven't you.
Nonsense! Face me like a man!
MAGUS: Forget it, I retired a year ago. I find gardening to be much more fun than evil magicking.
But I've waited years for this! I deserve a dramatic showdown!
MAGUS: You want dramatic? Try helping me with my shopping.
No no no!! MAGUS! You will pay for all you have done! Let us end this now!
… … … *crickets* …
MAGUS: ...is that all you wanted to say?
Yeah, just needed to vent.
MAGUS: So do you prefer Vons or Albertson's?
Albertson's is good.
Location: Albertsons' Supermarket, Old World
MAGUS: Alright, milk is first. Check the expiration dates and get the latest one possible.
Yuck, here's one that expired January 2001.
MAGUS: Back away from that, Crono! It's New World Ocean Milk, deadly to even look at!
How evil--
EXPIRED MILK wants to fight!
MAGUS: Run! Run for it, Crono! Aaaaaaah!!
Aaaaaaah!
You ran away!
Time passes…
Steak? You're buying steak?
MAGUS: Of course, I need my protein to stay strong.
But you're a frail mage.
MAGUS: I am not frail!
How can there be steak in this world? There aren't any animals. Unless…
MAGUS: Those Tauros make for good eatin'
Still more time passes…
MAGUS: Gotta have at least a dozen boxes of eggos.
Oh yeah. Never can have too many eggos.
MAGUS: Some of those boxes are out of my reach… suppose I'll use my scythe.
MAGUS used SCYTHE!
Uh, Magus… people are looking at us funny…
And even more time passes…
Oooooh! Lookit all that ICE CREAM!
MAGUS: Ice Cream isn't very good for you…
Can we get some? Pleeeeease?
MAGUS: Well… maybe if you promise to be extra special super good…
Yaaaay!
CRONO grabs the ICE CREAM!
EXPIRED MILK: So, we meet again.
What the-?
EXPIRED MILK: It was relatively simple to disguise myself as ice cream. And now, your souls are mine!
MAGUS: RUUUUNN!!!
AAAAAAAAAAH!!
You ran away!
Tick tock, tick tock…
MAGUS: Okay, we have nearly everything on the list. We just need some cereal.
Do they still sell Nintendo Cereal?
MAGUS: Uhh… not anytime in the past decade, no.
Awww… oooh, Trix.
MAGUS: Silly Crono, Trix are for kids.
Woah… most unfunny joke ever, Magus.
MAGUS: Well excuse me for having a sense of humor.
That's not a sense of humor, it's quoting a TV commercial slogan that was never funny to begin with, and is really stupid out of context.
MAGUS: Just buy the damn Trix.
The sands fall in the hourglass...
That little kid over there is making faces at me…
LITTLE KID: :-P
MAGUS: Well, go slice him up with your sword.
Woohoo! Slice and dice!
LITTLE KID: You know not what you face.
Erm?
LITTLE KID, upon CLOSER INSPECTION, is actually EXPIRED MILK in DISGUISE!
How is that possi--
EXPIRED MILK wants to fight!
We can't run forever Magus! Let's stay and fight!
MAGUS: You're right… we must face our fears.
Go! MAGUS!
Go! CRONO!
GO team GO!
I think the Narrator's been hittin' the 'shrooms again.
MAGUS: A supermarket battle versus expired milk? I'm inclined to agree.
EXPIRED MILK sent out EXPIRED MILK!
Enemy EXPIRED MILK used SOGGY CEREAL!
It's super soggy!
Uh… Magus, what's effective against expired milk?
MAGUS: Uh… have you tried Luminaire?
Oh yeah…
CRONO used LUMINAIRE!
EVERYONE in the SUPERMARKET DIES! Including EXPIRED MILK yet SPARING MAGUS!
Ick… remind me never to use attacks that deal damage to 'all enemies' in a supermarket again.
MAGUS: At this point, I'd be more worried about the hordes of Officer Jennys that will be descending upon us soon.
Uh oh.
MAGUS: Actually, they might be sending in the S.W.A.T. Jennys, judging by this carnage.
Uh, yes - we might want to run for it.
DOORS seal SHUT!
T-VIRUS is RELEASED into the AIR!
What the hell is a T-VIRUS?
MAGUS: Whatever it is, it doesn't sound like fun…
BODIES begin to MOVE!
MAGUS: WTF THE BODIES ARE MOVING????
Magus… hold me.
To be continued...
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #141
Battle #142: Return to the Garden of Eatin'
Friday, April 12, 2002
Location: Garden of Eatin', New World
Player: Ultra-Eve [No Record]
Heh… garden of eatin' … sure do miss this place.
GARDEN didn't miss YOU!
It's too bad Mega-Adam isn't around anymore. Well, I guess this is a good place to start.
GARDEN wants to KNOW what you're DOING here!
Just acting on a whim… I thought perhaps Immortus left some artifact here or something. I don't know.
GARDEN has no ARTIFACTS!
GARDEN has no SECRETS at ALL!
YOU may as well LEAVE NOW!
Well you certainly won't mind if I look around, will you?
CHAD LAWSON: Woah, are you having a conversation with a garden, lady?
Who's there?
CHAD LAWSON: <---
Oh.
CHAD LAWSON: What are you doing here?
I could ask you the same question.
CHAD LAWSON: I'm looking for clues. You?
I'm not really here for a reason. What kind of clues?
CHAD LAWSON: I'm a member of the Doompuff Worshippers, I'm researching how to resurrect Doompuff.
Ah… if I know my history, wasn't Doompuff the creature that nearly destroyed the universe?
CHAD LAWSON: The multiverse, actually. It had representation on Earth and in most other dimensions via clones.
Why would you want to resurrect that?
CHAD LAWSON: Why not?
Besides the obvious??
CHAD LAWSON: Sure, all life in all dimensions could die - but it's a small price to pay if it means we get to see Doompuff for reals.
...I don't even want to know what a high price would be. Don't you think everyone's getting a little tired of the Doompuff idea? Why not a Doomrattata?
CHAD LAWSON: That image will… haunt me.
Well, good luck on your search…
CHAD LAWSON: Hold it. I can't allow you to leave this place, now that you know everything about my plans.
Why did you tell me your plans then?
CHAD LAWSON: So I could have an excuse to kill you.
CHAD LAWSON wants to fight!
Wow, who ever would have anticipated that after a short exposition, there would be a battle?
CHAD LAWSON: Stop babbling and send yourself out.
Ha! As if in the last year I haven't caught any Pokémon? Go, Mega-Adam!
Do it! MEGA-ADAM!
CHAD LAWSON: Mega-Adam?? I thought you said he died of Smallpox!
A little half-truth to conceal the reality - that I captured him as my human slave!
CHAD LAWSON: ...and he still has Smallpox?
Yes, you'd be amazed how much living in a Poké Ball will slow the infection. Careful now, he's highly contagious.
MEGA-ADAM: Please, help me… doctor… get me a doctor…!
CHAD LAWSON: Highly contagious, huh? Sounds like a job for… NICK ARATON!
CHAD LAWSON sent out NICK ARATON!
Mega-Adam, poison him!
MEGA-ADAM used TOXIC!
NICK ARATON: Eugh.. I don't feel so good…
Way to spread disease and suffering, Adam!
Enemy NICK ARATON used FALL TO THE GROUND!
That's… good.
Enemy NICK ARATON used COUGH!
Two attacks in a row?? Tha is so unfair.
CHAD LAWSON: This isn't working…
CHAD LAWSON withdrew NICK ARATON!
MEGA-ADAM used FALL TO THE GROUND!
Aww, geez… return Mega-Adam!
MEGA-ADAM: No please, just leave me out here so I can finally die and--
Come back, MEGA-ADAM!
CHAD LAWSON sent out CHAD LAWSON!
Go me, I suppose.
The enemy's neither weak nor particularly strong! Go, ULTRA-EVE!
I'll use my … oh crum, I have no attacks.
Enemy CHAD LAWSON used SON OF LAW!
What does that do??
IT KILLS you!
Huh? Why?
IT just DOES!
But there's no logic to that!
You've BEEN here a YEAR and STILL haven't figured that OUT?
So what, now I'm dead?
ULTRA-EVE died!
But-
NOW you should be a GOOD CORPSE and stop TALKING!
But I don't understand-
DEAD MEN tell no TALES!
But I'm not a-
NARRATOR goes SOMEWHERE ELSE!
Hey!! You can't just leave me h--
Location: Somewhere Else, Old World
Player: Mr. Albertson [No Record]
Hoo boy, this chair sure is cushy.
CHAIR wants to fi--
Not today, chair. This little red light on my phone is blinking.
MR. ALBERTSON picks up PHONE!
Mr. Albertson's office, Mr. Albertson speaking.
PHONE: Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Albertson--
Oh no, you're not disturbing me at all. Go right ahead.
PHONE: Uh well… apparently the super computer at one of your supermarkets went berserk. It locked down the building and refuses to let anyone in or out.
Damn Windows XP.
PHONE: From the intelligence we've gathered, sir, everyone inside has been killed. It also released the T-Virus.
Oh dear lord, that is disturbing.
PHONE: Again, I apologize for that.
This is a big problem… I had a feeling that using supermarkets as secret entrances to laboratories for top-secret illegal genetic experiments with military applications was going to come back to bite me in the arse someday.
PHONE: If the police manage to break in, there are going to be some major complications.
Don't you think I know that? Contain the situation for now. I will be in touch.
PHONE: *click*
This can't bode well… can't bode well at all.
You sit DOWN!
CHAIR bites you in the ARSE!
Arrrrgghhh!! I knew installing Windows CE in this chair would come back to bite me in the--
CHAIR: All your base are belong to us.
Oh, shut up. If all my base really are belong to you, all I'd have to do is send a couple of ZIG ships to wipe out your entire civilization.
CHAIR: …
CHAIR leaps out of WINDOW!
CHAIR: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *crash*
Great.
MR. ALBERTSON picks up the PHONE!
Yes, hi. Uh huh, I need a new chair. Let's try installing Mac OS X on this one, that should be entertaining. Huh? Oh, make it pink. It will clash very nicely with my office.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #142
Three Year Anniversary Battle:
Battle #143: The Attack of the Butch Urrh
Sunday, April 14, 2002
Location: Missing No.'s Home, Old World
Player: Missing No. [Record: Missing]
+Q5-_+41ö\9___=
NARRATOR is going to have to ASK you to SPEAK in a NON-GLITCHED MANNER if you WISH to BE in this BATTLE!
I'll 0O4 try.
Try HARDER!
Okay… errggghh… this… is painful… to ñ0ï do.
YOU will get USED to it!
Whew… think I got it. Well, guess I'll öm¦ê play some Pokémon Blue…
o.O
Er, Pokémon Red Version. U+¦-Ä ù
Wild BUTCH URRH appeared!
_5¦_! Now I can finally catch a Butch Urrh!
BUTCH URRH wants to fight!
BUTCH URRH sent out HISGAMEFILE!
Xí_(¦_ ¦_l-y\P… Glitch attack!
MISSING NO. used GLITCH!
HISGAMEFILE was GLITCHED SOLID!
Hah! Well that should take care of--
BUTCH URRH doesn't like you.
I thought not. I µú_ñ_- in his general direction.
BUTCH URRH knows where you live.
So? M¿rb++_I
BUTCH URRH is coming to get you.
Seems oddly familiar. {4_ééé
DOORBELL used RING!
Oh hey, someone's _Pä.{_¦ at the door, as if I don't know who.
MISSING NO. opens the DOOR and IMMEDIATELY swings HUGE MALLET at VISITOR!
TRICK-OR-TREATER: Trick or treee OWWW WTF OMG THE HELL WAS THAT??!!??!
Oh… sorry… I thought you were mçÖ_ someone else.
TRICK-OR-TREATER: GEEZ that hurt!! I think you broke my ribs!
Why are you trick-or-glitching at this time of year?
TRICK-OR-TREATER: My name is Trick-or-treater, there's really nothing else I can do until I finally get killed by some inane circumst--
TRICK-OR-TREATER was filled with BULLETS from BUTCH URRH's MACHINE GUN!
TRICK-OR-TREATER died!
BUTCH URRH: Urrh! I finally managed to kill Missing No.!
Think again, my soon-to-be glitched friend. Mµ)+_¶{
BUTCH: Heyyy… you're Missing No.??
É4ÿg
NARRATOR is GETTING a little TIRED of your GLITCHED SPEECH!
I'm doing the best I éµ{
NARRATOR is starting to REALIZE that the PLOT AND HUMOR POTENTIAL of this SETUP won't be ENOUGH to ADEQUATELY fill this UPDATE!
Maybe that's why the first battle like this was so short. É0_-+xñ
MISSING NO. was filled with BULLETS from BUTCH URRH's MACHINE GUN!
Ha! I'll just glitch the bullets into my own body and become stronger! ééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééé
NO you WON'T - YOU'RE going to DIE!
Impossible! æPï___{4_
YOU are a JOKE that is THREE YEARS OLD - if YOU don't DIE SOON, the FEEDBACK for this BATTLE is going to be UGLIER than BUTCH HIMSELF!
BUTCH: ...heeeyyy.
BUTCH checks MIRROR!
BUTCH: Awwww… :(
You can't kill me! Missing No. is the devolved form of NARRATOR itself! Ñÿ_ÿ«+ There's no way a Narrator would kill one of it's own ki--
MISSING NO. died!
BUTCH: Urrh.
Location: Missing No.'s Home, Old World
Player: Butch Urrh from Tristram [Record: 1-4-1]
Urrh.
SOOOO… THIS would be a REALLY SUCKY time for the AUTHOR to get WRITERS' BLOCK, wouldn't IT?
Urrh, yes it would Narrator. Yes it would.
…
…
Urrh.
…
AUTHOR: Oh hell.
DOOMRATATTA appeared!
Nope, too lame. And people will start saying "rip-off" again.
DOOMRATATTA: Raaar *POOF*
VIVI appeared!
Deb doesn't read Red Version, you're not going to get much support that way.
VIVI: But at least I exist now… I can finally be happy and *POOF*
TREE appeared!
Urrh, is the author even trying anymore? Talk about years-old jokes…
TREE: I heard someone was trick-or-tree-ing so I *POOF*
BOB "THAT GUY" SMITH appeared!
Oh sure, run out of options and just play the "resurrect an old character just for the hell of it" card. This is pathetic.
BOB: Butch you fool! All you have to do is say it's funny or clever and I get to live agai-- *POOF*
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY appeared!
...okay, that rules.
Wait, you aren't an evil Merriam-Webster Dictionary, are you?
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: Of course not.
Nice to meet you, then.
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: Hi.
Hello.
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: ….. So… do you like… words?
Words rule. Especially the word 'urrh'.
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: I've never heard of such a word. Are you sure you don't mean Urth?
Depends. What does Urth mean?
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: The goddess of fate.
You mean Lani?
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: No, I mean Urth.
Blasphemy! I want to fight!
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY wants to fight!
I'll send out my save game file again!
Are you SURE? IT is STILL GLITCHED SOLID!
Urrh, of course I'm sure!
Go! YOURGAMEFILE!
YOURGAMEFILE went!
...into the RECYCLE BIN!
Urrrrrrrrrrh!!
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: Muahahahaha!
Hey! You told me you weren't an evil Merriam-Webster Dictionary!
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: I lied! MUAHAHAHAHA! NOW I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!
You know, a lot of very powerful people have tried that in this universe and they all seem to fail miser--
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY: With the English language under my control, nobody will be able to stop me! Not even you! MUAHAHA!
Guess you'll have to learn the urrhified way.
MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY hops AWAY to go TAKE OVER THE WORLD and FAILS MISERABLY!
Urrh… that's why I never use dictionaries.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #143
Battle #144: King of Hackers Tuesday, April 16, 2002
Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins, Old World
Player: Emperor Sloth [Record: 4-5-2]
Heh heh… the time is right! I shall now take over the world!!
LORD SLOTH rolls its EYES!
GARRY KASPAROV rolls its EYES!
NARRATOR rolls its PROVERBIAL EYES!
You will all learn to respect me! Once I take over the world, I'll be--
DON'T you THINK the 'TAKE OVER THE WORLD' plotlines are BECOMING rather DULL and REPETITIVE?
Why should I care? Once I take over the world, it won't matter!
YOU aren't GOING to DO that!
NOT as long as MATT BESWICK is RUNNING THINGS!
We'll see about that! First I'll-
You FAIL!
Curses! Well, I'll simply-
You FAIL!
But you don't even know what I'm gonna-
You FAIL!
Grrr… things were better back in the old days…
Well, if I can't take over the world I'll just take over Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins, muahahah!
LSLOTH: Uh, but these are my castle ruins. I'm your ally.
KASPAROV: It would be like taking your own rook. Which is against the rules, I might add.
I don't care! My urge to take something over is too strong. I hereby rename these ruins Emperor Sloth's Castle Ruins!
Location: Emperor Sloth's Castle Ruins, Old World
LSLOTH: Hnn, well they're just ruins. Now you can worry about the cost to rebuild.
You're not going to fight me for it?
LSLOTH: I'll fight you for it after you spend the quadrillion yen to fix this place up.
Q- quadrillion?
LSLOTH: Yes, what part of ¥1,000,000,000,000,000 don't you understand?
Uhh… I don't think I want this anymore…
KASPAROV: Interesting… regaining a former possession by making it seem undesirable to the new owner… I shall call it the Lord Sloth Gambit.
LSLOTH: It wasn't a gambit, I really don't want this place anymore.
Take them back! You can keep your lousy ruins!
LSLOTH shakes its head!
I'll make you take them back! I want to fight!
LSLOTH walks away!
YOU win the FIGHT by default!
KASPAROV: A three-line checkmate? You have outdone even the mighty blitzkrieg maneuver.
Yes! Now the ruins belong to him again, right?
NARRATOR wants to know HOW you AROVE… AROVE? ARRIVED at that CONCLUSION!
Because I… won the… fight.
And YET there are STILL OWNERSHIP PAPERS in your HAND!
Oh, I'll give them to Kasparov then.
KASPAROV: The hell you will.
Curses! Wait, I know… who says I have to rebuild the ruins? I can live with them just like this, can't I?
KASPAROV: It only took you a couple dozen lines to figure that out?
Ha! Looks like Lord Sloth came out the loser after all!
X-BOX appeared!
X-BOX: ALL YOUR CASTLE RUINS ARE BELONG TO US!!!
Never!
X-BOX: I am here to take over the world. Resistance is futile.
Boy, that sure sounds familiar…
(Hmm… maybe if I do the same thing that Lord Sloth did to me…)
X-BOX: If you think parenthesis are enough to prevent me from hearing you, you are sorely mistaken.
*gulp*
X-BOX: Asterisks are futile as well. Stop stalling and hand over the ruins.
Heh heh… here you go...
Location: Microsoft's Castle Ruins, Old World
…guess you can worry about the price to rebuild now.
X-BOX: ...price to rebuild?
Uh huh, something in the neighborhood of a quadrillion yen.
X-BOX: Oh.
MICROSOFT spends ¥1,000,000,000,000,000!
Location: Microsoft's Castle, Old World
What the…?
X-BOX: You underestimate my financial reserves, especially combined with the dollar-to-yen exchange rate. This will be the perfect place to install my latest version of Windows.
What kind of idiot installs Windows in a castle?
KASPAROV: I know I didn't notice a pun there.
X-Box, now that the castle is restored I've changed my mind. I want my castle back.
X-BOX: Tough.
I'll fight ya for it.
KASPAROV: Emperor, I don't think this is strategically to your adv--
Nonsense! I want to fight!
X-BOX wants to fight!
X-BOX sent out MOVIUS the X-BOX CONTROLLER!
X-BOX sent out VALKYRIE the X-BOX CONTROLLER!
X-BOX sent out DEADMARSH the X-BOX CONTROLLER!
X-BOX sent out CAMERAMAN the X-BOX CONTROLLER!
Aaaaah!! How can he send out four Pokémon at once??
X-BOX: I have four controller ports, foolish mortal.
Alright, can't panic… I'm counting on you, Kasparov!!
KASPAROV: The hell you are. I'm not your Pokémon, I'm a non-combatant observer.
But if you don't do something, the X-Box will take over the world!
KASPAROV: Didn't the Narrator tell you that is impossible while Beswick is running things? That is part of the strategy here - don't put your life on the line when the result is predetermined.
I guess it's up to me to stand up for truth, justice, and the Slothian way!
Go! EMPEROR SLOTH!
I'll use my-
EMPEROR SLOTH fainted!
Dang!
KASPAROV: Another impressive Blitzkrieg.
DOOR on X-BOX opens!
HACK KOR steps OUT!
You're the one behind all this??
HACK KOR: n0w th4t i h4v a c4ssl p30ple will r3sp3ct m3
You need a castle to do that?
KASPAROV: The strategic importance of castling should never be overlooked.
HACK KOR: ...I w4nt Sp3c14l K to b3 a c0ntr0ll3r too
KASPAROV: ...did you just call me Special K?
DEADMARSH the X-BOX CONTROLLER: Makes you feel aggressive, doesn't it?
A lot of things in this universe make me feel aggressive...
KASPAROV: Don't you understand that I am a non-combatant, Hack?
HACK KOR: I will 0wn your s0ul
KASPAROV: You underestimate me… very well, if it's a chess game you want, it's a chess game you'll get.
I don't think he wants to play Chess, I think he wants to take over the-
KASPAROV: Shut up, pawn.
:(
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #144
Battle #145: Tortured Soul
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Location: The Plains of Despair, Old World
Player: Ye Olde iRAB [Record: 3-5-0]
Uhhnn… where am I…?
Feels so… cramped… in here. So dark…
Poké Ball? Must be. How long since my trainer has used me? Don't know.
Getting hungry… perhaps I've been lost?
Must try to escape… alls I gotta do is struggle enough…
iRAB broke free of the POKé BALL!
ARRRRGHHH, the sunlight! The sunlight burns my eyes!!
SUN used BURN!
SUN: Yeeeeaaaah, feel those retinas burn!
Oh, sweet Jeeves that was painful. Where am I, anyway…?
WELCOME to the PLAINS OF DESPAIR!
Oh man, everything I do and everywhere I go is depressing.
WELCOME to the POKé BATTLES UNIVERSE, then!
Didn't this place used to be all about humor and fun things?
YES! But NOW it's just about HURTING PEOPLE and DERIVING JOY from their MISERY!
Great… man, I need something to eat. I am starving!
THAT is PROBABLY because YOU are BASICALLY a SKELETON!
Ugh, don't remind me.
PLUS you're MISSING a HAND!
Oh, shut up. If I don't get something to eat soon… heeeyyyy…
iRAB gets an IDEA!
Go, Jeeves!
Go! JEEVES!
Hey Jeeves, I'm starving. What do you have on your platter for me today?
JEEVES: I know the answer to the following question: "Where can I buy dinnerware online?"
Oh… now I remember why life sucks.
Let me try again: Where can I find something to eat around here?
JEEVES: I have links that may answer that question: World Walks around the World 2001: World Walk for Breastfeeding...
What the HELL? World Walks around the World 2001?? What does that even mean??
WORLD appeared!
WORLD used WALK!
WORLD walked so FAR, it WALKED around the WORLD!
While breastfeeding, apparently.
WORLD is offended!
WORLD wants BAD THINGS to HAPPEN to you!
I always knew the world was out to get me… *sigh*
JEEVES: ...City Farmer's Urban Agriculture Notes--
Stuff it, Jeeves.
JEEVES: Buy StuffIt for Windows 5.5 - $14.95
Arrrrrrgh, I am going to die out here! How on earth did Jeeves stay healthy. Even overweight! So fat compared to me… so plump… so juicy… so… scrumptious… *droooooool*
JEEVES: … … … ?
Um, Jeeves. Old Friend. Feeling sleepy, are you?
JEEVES wants to KNOW why you're LOOKING at him that WAY!
No reason… no reason…
iRAB is SALIVATING UNCONTROLLABLY!
Sooooo… huuuuunnngry….
JEEVES: iRAB? Are you feeling okay?
I'M GONNA EAT YA! HOLD STILL!
JEEVES: WTF??
So it's a fight eh? Okay, the winner gets to eat the loser, agreed?
JEEVES: I don't eat skeletons with rotting flesh, sorry.
Don't worry, you won't win anyway! Go me!
The enemy's scrumptious! Get'm, iRAB!
JEEVES crawled BACK into its POKé BALL!
Ah ha, a surrender is it? Mmm, that's one delicious-looking Poké Ball… crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside…
THIS is making EVEN the ALMIGHTY NARRATOR feel NAUSEOUS!
Well it's not like I have any other choice. Alls I gotta do is eat this Poké Ball and all my problems will be solved.
NARRATOR wasn't GOING to TELL you this, but THERE is ACTUALLY a SUPERMARKET just a few MILES from here!
Well geez, why didn't you say so?? Onward, Jeeves!
Location: Albertson's Supermarket, Old World
Player: Sergeant Lovelady [No Record]
WHAT in the name of all holy criminey is goin' on here??
OFFICER JENNY: We don't know yet sir, all the shudders in the windows of the supermarket closed, and all the entrances are locked. We believe there are several dozen people trapped inside.
How in tarnation did that hap'n??
OFFICER JENNY: We have a representative from Albertson's already on the way, sir.
Well, meantime jes roll in the tanks and destroy the lean-to!
OFFICER JENNY: Are you suggesting we kill everyone inside?
Well theys gonna die anyhow. Prolly starved to death yes'day!
OFFICER JENNY: ...it's a supermarket, sir.
It's a lean-to and thas'that. ROLL IN THE TANKS!
EUGENE THOMPSON: I wouldn't advise that, miss Lovelady.
I ain't no he-she, son! Name's Sergeant Lovelady!
THOMPSON: ...I see. Sorry, with all the Jennys running around I get disoriented.
Whas'this nonsense you're spoutin' 'bout not ROLLING IN THE TANKS??
THOMPSON: There are… complications with regard to this supermarket. I think it best if we spoke in private.
Nonsense! Ain't nothing private 'bout this - start talking or the TANKS START ROLLING!
THOMPSON: *ahem* … we have reason to believe a deadly virus has been released inside the supermarket. If you tear it down, it may release that virus into the atmosphere, and it will wipe out all of mankind.
The HELL kinda supermarket is that?? Would hafta be a damn fool to shop here!
OFFICER JENNY: You mean to say Albertson's has been conducting illegal biological research?
THOMPSON: ...our lawyers have far less incriminating ways of saying that, I can assure you.
So we tear down this here lean-to, we all die? What're we spos'd to do then, twiddle our thumbs wit' people trapped inside??
THOMPSON: For the moment, yes. Our scientists are trying to figure out a safe way to get back inside.
Whas'this virus do anyway??
THOMPSON: The short of it is that it reanimates the dead.
HAW! You really had me fooled! ROLL IN THE TANKS!
THOMPSON: What?? No, I'm not kidding! I--
You fancy bizniz folk think you can mess wit' my mind? HA! Reanimate the dead, thassa hoot!
THOMPSON: You're making a huge mistake! If you tear down that building you'll be regretting it for the rest of your life and the rest of your death!
One more peep outta you and I'll--
SKELETON COVERED IN ROTTING FLESH appeared!
What in tarnation-???
iRAB: Foooooood… must feeeeeed… raarrrrrrrrrrr…….!!!
AAAAAH! The varmint was tellin' the truth!!
THOMPSON: What? But how could it have escaped from the supermarket? This can't be one of ours--
OFFICER JENNY calls for BACKUP!
iRAB slowly WALKS FORWARD!
Kill 'im! Kill the varmint!
OFFICER JENNY aims GUN at iRAB's HEAD!
iRAB: raarrrrr?
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