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The Dawn
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #116: Oak's Grisly Fate July 24, 2001
Location: The Streets of Red Version City
Player: Almighty One [No Record] [Allegiance: Old World]
~ W A R O F W O R L D S ~ Episode I
Ugh.. this sucks… here I am, trapped in a world of my own creation.
Can things get any worse?
NARRATOR appeared!
...uh oh.
NARRATOR ASSURES you that THINGS can ALWAYS get WORSE!
Just remember, I own you, Narrator. I still have all my powers, even here.
NARRATOR says THAT is only PARTIALLY TRUE!
What'd you say?
YOU are only HALF the MAN you ONCE WERE!
HEY!
NOT ONLY do you ONLY have HALF your POWERS, but in TIME, both YOU and IMMORTUS will WEAKEN until RED VERSION becomes nothing but ANARCHY!
You lie! How could you know this??
The Poké Battles AUTHOR decided that IT would be a GOOD PLOT TWIST!
...the Poké Battles author?? I'm the Poké Battles author!
Neither YOU nor IMMORTUS has the POWER to write BATTLES anymore!
A THIRD-PARTY has STEPPED IN to FILL that POSITION!
...dare I ask who?
AUTHOR is known as LITTLE RED WRITING HOOD!
Good lord.. Please don't tell me the last ten lines of this battle were created solely for the purpose of setting up that horrid pun.
LITTLE RED is WRITING in the 'HOOD!
GEEZ! My puns were never this bad, were they??
[23:31] <EricMHE> …
[23:31] <CrimsonKing> …
[23:31] <Mattchu> …
Pfffff… fine, point taken.
ALMIGHTY ONE gets the POINT!
...of a SWORD!
STABBED through his--
Hold.
SWORD DISINTIGRATED!
Heh… I am not quite helpless yet.
NARRATOR warns that YOU should be POWERLESS by the END of the YEAR!
Just in time for another fanfic, eh?
Um… yeah,
Very well, then… I must defeat Immortus before that happens. Hmmm… I wonder which one of us has more characters at his disposal…
OAK appeared!
OAK: Almighty One! You must train your Pokémon to gain their trust and love! Only then can you--
Stuff it, Oak.
OAK: Trust and love!
DIE OAK!
OAK: I want to die but I can't…
Oh yeah.. I think you died a couple times before, didn't you. Accursed NPC's…
OAK: I work toward a world where Pokémon can be treated with trust and love! When trainers are evil, they use Pokémon for evil! We must strive toward a world where--
Would you stop talking in loops for a second and look around?? There aren't any Pokémon around here anymore! This site can barely be classified as a Pokémon site these days!
GROWLITHE appeared!
WTF?
OAK: What luck! We seem to have encountered a GROWLITHE! Very protective of its territory, it will bark and bite to repel intruders from its space.
Its space?? It just appeared there! What space??
GROWLITHE used BARK!
YOU are REPELLED from its SPACE!
Now wait just a second, Narrator... you can't push me around like that! I'm the Almighty One! I hereby forbid it.
Hmph. Can I torture Oak, then?
By all means.
NARRATOR grins BROADLY!
Hey, check it out Oak - the entire sky is grinning broadly.
OAK: What a remarkable phenomenon! I must record this data for use in *URK*
GROWLITHE used BITE!
OAK was REPELLED from GROWLITHE's SPACE!
Sick 'im, Growlithe.
GROWLITHE was renamed EVIL GROWLITHE!
YES! That's more like it!
OAK: Curiouser and Curiouser. I must counter these evil traits by treating it with trust and love.
OAK used TRUST!
OAK's TRUST was BETRAYED as EVIL GROWLITHE MAULS him!
I wish I had some popcorn for this.
[23:52] <Lani> DON'T TOUCH THE POPCORN!
What the-?
OAK used LOVE!
OAK LOVES being RIPPED APART by EVIL GROWLITHE!
Geez, what a masochist.
OAK died!
... I think I'm beginning to like this Growlithe.
EVIL GROWLITHE PURRS!
Awww… can I keep it Narrator?
PLEASE do not MOCK the NARRATOR or YOU might REGRET it when you NO LONGER have your POWERS!
Bah, you're no fun at all.
OAK'S DISMEMBERED BODY begins to REFORM!
What the…?
OAK begins to REGENERATE!
Geez, he's like a friggin troll.
OAK: Almighty One! You must treat your GROWLITHE with trust and love!
Growlithe… kill.
EVIL GROWLITHE used MAUL!
OAK: Not again! Arrrrrggghhhhh…
OAK died!
OAK begins to REGENERATE!
Ooh, do it again.
EVIL GROWLITHE used MAUL!
OAK was VICIOUSLY MAULED TO DEATH!
Well, this should be a fun diversion for a few hours…
OAK: Great MEWTWO… I'm in hell.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #116
Battle #117: Strategery July 25, 2001
Location: Kasparov's Estate
Player: Garry Kasparov [Record: 1-1-0] [Allegiance: Old World]
~ W A R O F W O R L D S ~ Episode II
Ahh… it's great to be back home… so much preferred to that icky state of nonexistence.
...ICKY?
Well, yes. It is a perfectly valid adjective.
YOU shouldn't try to get SMART with the NARRATOR!
RED VERSION CHARACTERS rarely DO that!
I see… well, I assume there's a reason this week's battle is focused on me?
THERE are several PEOPLE trying to GET into your HOUSE!
I'll let the Rooks outside handle them.
BOTH of your ROOKS have been TAKEN!
Impossible!
The ALMIGHTY ONE is ONE of the MANY PEOPLE trying to REACH you!
Wouldn't that class him as a king? He should be no match for two Rooks.
Has KASPAROV ever CONSIDERED that REAL LIFE is NOT all about CHESS?
Has NARRATOR considered that real life is not all about Pokémon??
Touché.
So who took the Rooks, then…?
GREEN VALKYRIE is ALSO OUTSIDE!
...Ah. A queen, I assume. Well, that could explain it… anyone else?
REVOLUMAN and BUTCH are also OUTSIDE!
And the pawns, of course. Very well, I'll see them.
KASPAROV opens the DOOR to his ESTATE!
Is there a reason you all felt the need to murder my Rooks?
ALMIGHTY ONE points out that the ROOKS were just large CHESS PIECES!
CHESS PIECES ARE PEOPLE TOO!
BUTCH says--
Silence, Pawn. I deal with the King.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Eh?
I repeat: Why are you here? Speak up, don't make me declare stalemate.
ALMIGHTY ONE: I'm aware that you are an expert on warfare tactics… I thought your knowledge might help us in our war effort against the New World.
Hmph. And what's in it for me?
ALMIGHTY ONE: I won't annihilate you.
...very well. Come in, and we'll talk. And for God's sake Valkyrie, put some clothes on.
GREEN VALKYRIE: I'm sorry… this skimpy armor is all Lord Sloth would giveth me to wear… if you could loan me someth--
Bah, we're wasting time. If you want to know my opinion, I say we run a Blitzkrieg. Send Valkyrie and a Bishop, and corner their King. Game over.
ALMIGHTY ONE: ...I don't think we have any bishops.
Curses. You're really trying my hands, you know that? What do you have?
ALMIGHTY ONE: Umm… I think I've treated most of my characters like pawns…
You did this to yourself, Almighty One.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Maybe we should just send you into the front lines.
Um.. Nonono, I'll think of something. Hmm… you know, if you get your pawns far enough into enemy territory, they'll transform into queens.
REVOLUMAN: Hey now.
BUTCH: Urrh… ixnay on the sex change strategies, please.
Ugh… the one thing pawns are good for and they won't even do that.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Surely there's something we can do…
GREEN VALKYRIE: We couldst try diplomacy, couldn't we? Can there not be peace?
El oh el! Where did you find her, Almighty One?
ALMIGHTY ONE: ...did he just say LOL?
I'm afraid you're leaving me with few options… I suppose we could always try… the Dufpahft Gambit.
BUTCH: The Doompuff gambit? I don't like the sound of that…
Dufpahft gambit, you imbecilic Pawn!
ALMIGHTY ONE: WTF is a gambit?
[00:30] <Mathematician> An opening in chess in which a minor piece, or pieces, usually a pawn, is offered in exchange for a favorable position.
Ah… what he said.
ALMIGHTY ONE: These IRC people are unnerving.. I feel like my life is being MSTied.
In any case, all you need to do is sacrifice an expendable character, such as Revoluman…
Revoluman: ...hey!
...while a power piece, namely Valkyrie, moves in for the kill.
ALMIGHTY ONE: What is the difference between a Dufpahft Gambit and any other gambit?
A Duftpahft Gambit is exclusively for characters named Revoluman.
ALMIGHTY ONE: I see… it seems we have no choice then.
REVOLUMAN: Now wait just a second here…
One second later…
ALMIGHTY ONE: Time's up - time to be thrown to the wolves, Revoluman.
REVOLUMAN: No way! I refuse to give up without a fight!
ALMIGHTY ONE: Very well then… prepare to be assimilated.
Hold there, Almighty One… I could use some exercise.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Oh, alright Kasparov. This should be a good show; want to get some popcorn Valkyrie?
[00:37] <Lani> DON'T TOUCH THE POPCORN!
ALMIGHTY ONE: Geez, what is that, a script?
REVOLUMAN is SCRIPTED to DIE! Get'm, KASPAROV!
Well, this should be a good workout, then… I'll move my pawn forward two spaces.
KASPAROV used PAWN MOVE!
REVOLUMAN: You call that a workout?
For the Pawn it is. You see, he just charged across a fourth of the battlefield.
REVOLUMAN: That is really sad.
Just make your move.
REVOLUMAN: You want to see the pawn getting exercise? This is the pawn getting exercise!
REVOLUMAN used CHUCK!
PAWN was CHUCKED across the ROOM!
Nooooooooooo!!
PAWN crashed into WALL!
PAWN's SPINE SNAPPED!
PAWN slumped to the GROUND, leaving a TRAIL of BLOOD on the WALL BEHIND IT!
You monster! Queen! Kill him!
KASPAROV used QUEEN!
REVOLUMAN: Aw, shucks… why don't leave that old fogey the King and run off with me, Queenie?
QUEEN: ...you underestimate my power, man-creature.
REVOLUMAN: Heh, we'll see about that - yoink!
REVOLUMAN used STEAL!
QUEEN's CROWN was STOLEN!
What dishonor is this?
REVOLUMAN used CHUCK!
CROWN was CHUCKED at KASPAROV!
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
KASPAROV was IMPALED by CROWN!
Owww…
QUEEN used SCEPTOR OF DOMINATION!
REVOLUMAN: That sounds familiar… *urk*
REVOLUMAN was BASHED with SCEPTOR!
REVOLUMAN fainted!
KASPAROV fainted!
Battle ended in a DRAW!
QUEEN stared at NARRATOR!
Uhmm… Battle ended in a WIN for the QUEEN!
QUEEN: ...and put that in the records, too.
Yes'm, in a week.
QUEEN: NOW!
Queen: 1-0-0 117
QUEEN: Much better.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #117
Battle #118: Sock Hop August 6, 2001
Location: A secluded area that by all rights should not exist
Player: Sock Monkey [No Record] [No Allegiance]
This has nothing to do with: ~ W A R O F W O R L D S ~
Co-Authored by: Deb
...just for the record - before we start this battle I would like everyone to know that yes, I did kill my parents for cursing me with this name.
SOCK MONKEY is a SOCK MONKEY!
No I'm not! I just have a really bizarre name!
Uh-huh, suuuure… Then why is SOCK MONKEY's BODY made of out SOCKS and PLUSH FILLING?
Preposterous! That is purely for decoration!
NARRATOR believes SOCK MONKEY HANGING BY ITS NECK FROM A CHANDELIER would BE a GOOD DECORATION as WELL!
I don't have a neck - I'm a sock monkey.
AH HA! You ADMIT it!
...oops.
Hhahaha! SOCK MONKEY is a SOCK MONKEY!
Silence, fool. Do you think I enjoy being mocked?
SOCK MONKEY was renamed MOCK MONKEY!
… damn you.
THERE are SO MANY THINGS that RHYME with SOCK, NARRATOR is going to ENJOY this BATTLE GREATLY!
Ha, is the threat of changing my name the worst you can do?
AUTHORS JASONR and DEB just got DONE playing SEVERAL GAMES of NFL BLITZ and are FEELING PARTICULARLY VIOLENT!
… Deb?! Has Jason lost his mind?
HOURS of ANIME and VIDEO GAMES have DECOMPOSed JASONR's MIND!
Figures…
HEY! I thought Jason was stuck in Red Version! I thought these battles were being written by Little Red Writing Hood! I thought no new characters or portals could be created! How is it possible that--?
ANTI-PLOTHOLE SECRET SERVICE armed with TRANQUILIZER MACHINE GUNS appeared!
Eeeek.. I'll be good.
ANTI-PLOTHOLE SECRET SERVICE vanished!
So… what exactly am I doing here in Red Version, anyway?
YOU are here for the SAME REASON that BABIES are in ILLEGAL MEXICAN BABY FIGHTS, IF you catch my MEANING!
What the…?
SHOE GORILLA appeared!
PLEASE STAND BY while BETS are being PLACED!
SHOE GORRILA ate a SOMBRERO!
Uhh…
Don't ask.
I'm scared to. O_O;
SHOE GORILLA has SCARED SOCK MONKEY's SOCKS OFF!
SOCK MONKEY is now… NOTHING?
Quiet, you - I'm a Mock Monkey and you know it. I am made of mock..
...CURSES, my own PUN used AGAINST me!
SOCK-- erm… MOCK MONKEY will SUFFER GREATY!
SHOE GORRILA wants to FIGHT!
You dare face me? Prepare to be.. Mocked!
MOCK MONKEY used MOCK!
Enemy SHOE GORRILLA was MOCKED!
It's MOCKITY MOCK MOCK!
...Deb wrote that line, didn't she.
Yuppers.
Whee, MOCKITY MOCK in a SOCK with a CLOCK WOK!
Umm, is the Shoe Gorilla going to attack?
LOCK TOCK-- err…
Enemy SHOE GORILLA used SHOE GORE!
MOCK MONKEY was HIT OVER THE HEAD by AL GORE's SHOE!
Gah! Where did he get that?
SHOE GORILLAS are very RESOURCEFUL!
Location: Somewhere Else
AL GORE: Moooomm… I can't find my other shooeeeee….
MRS. GORE: I'm not buying you any more of those, Ally!
AL GORE: …I thought we discussed you not calling me that.
Location: A secluded area that by all rights should not exist
I see… Well, prepare to feel my wrath!
MOCK MONKEY used FEEL MY WRATH!
WRATH is SOFT and CUDDLY and oh, so WARM!
Enemy SHOE GORILLA used CUDDLE!
Gack, get if off!
Enemy SHOE GORILLA is OFF…
...its ROCKER! HAHAHAHA!
Come to THINK of it, MOCK MONKEY was renamed ROCK MONKEY!
Oh, great, now what am I going to do? Throw rocks?
THAT might be a GOOD IDEA!
I shall now THROW ROCKS at the Shoe Monkey!
ROCK MONKEY used ROCK THROW!
Enemy SHOE GORILLA was hit by many ROCKS!
How much damage did that do?
2!
2 as in 2 HP?
2 as in PLAYSTATION 2, now IN STOCK at STORES NATIONSWIDE!
You lie!
NARRATOR doesn't LIE!
NARRATOR just BENDS the TRUTH until the TRUTH begs for MERCY!
Enemy SHOR GORILLA is AMASSING PINECONES!
Pinecones? What for?
Enemy SHOE GORILLA is GATHERING an ARMY of PINECONES od DOOM!
...you gonna fix that typo, great authors in the sky?
JASON & DEB: What typo?
…
[17:37] <Lani> Od.
Now that is just weird. O.o
… anyways… Foolish gorilla, your feeble pinecones are no match for my rocks!
But they are PINECONES od DOOM!
The DOOM makes all the DIFFERENCE!
...not to MENTION the OD!
But rocks are bigger and stronger than some dinky little pinecones. o_O
Not PINECONES od DOOM!
PINECONES od DOOM begin MARCHING TOWARD you!
Back! Back, I say, foul pine-coney heathens! Eat stony death!
PINECONES used EAT!
ROCKS were EATEN!
… Oh my God, that is pathetic.
NARRATOR knows! :(
AUDIENCE MEMBERS are HIGHLY ENTERTAINED!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS are EATING POPCORN and OTHER SNACKS!
[17:23] <Lani> Why does nobody listen to me?
Is anything around here ever going to start making sense? Am I still a Rock Monkey?
RANDOM NFL PLAYER appeared!
RANDOM NFL PLAYER SAVAGELY TACKLED ROCK MONKEY!
TWICE!
RANDOM NFL PLAYER GRUNTS and RUNS AWAY!
WTF?
WTF indeed.
JASONR and DEB run off to play more NFL BLITZ!
…
…
…
JASONR and DEB return to WRITING!
Time to end this… I will use my.. Uhm.. Rocking Monkey attack?
NARRATOR is DRAWING A BLANK! So…
Shoe gorilla DIED!
… wasn't I supposed to suffer?
YOU aren't too BRIGHT to POINT that OUT!
NARRATOR raises PRICE of PLAYSTATION 2 to $330!
Nooooooooooo! DAMN YOU, SONY! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
Location: Hell
SATAN: Rejoice! We have Playstation 2!
MATT BESWICK: YES!
AL GORE: I tell you, I am not dead yet.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #118
Battle #119: DreamStationBoxCube
September 3, 2001
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Player: Chad the Casual Gamer [No Record] [Allegiance: None]
~ W A R O F C O N S O L E S ~ Episode 1 of 5
CHAD appeared!
Heya.
WHAT is a guy named CHAD doing in TOKYO?
How the hell should I know? I didn't even exist a few seconds ago!
NARRATOR will answer its own QUESTION!
CHAD is in TOKYO to DECIDE WHICH of the FOUR CONSOLES he is GOING to BUY!
What, like those video game things?
YES! EVERYONE wants to KNOW what the CASUAL GAMER is going to DECIDE on this HOLIDAY SEASON! THIS is ALL an ELABORATE EXPERIMENT to SEE what you will DO!
Oh… hey, you can play Who Wants to be a Millionaire 4th Edition on these things, right?
AS you can SEE, CHAD THE CASUAL GAMER is COMPLETELY UNINFORMED about VIDEO GAMES in GENERAL!
So… is that a 'yes'?
The FOUR CONSOLE MANUFACTURERS will ATTEMPT to WIN CHAD's HEART both by WOOING him with INCENTIVES and by DESTROYING EACH OTHER!
Are you sure they won't woo each other with incentives and destroy me?
THAT is a CHANCE that the NARRATOR is willing to TAKE!
Um... Okay.
PETER MOORE appeared!
Whozzat?
PETER MOORE: Hello there, casual gamer. I am the president of SEGA!!! of America. I--
….Sega?
PETER MOORE: Not Sega, son--SEGA!!! Give it the classic yell. It will make our company sound 'hip'.
Um… hey, aren't you the Sonic the Hedgehog guys?
PETER MORRE: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, you will find two excellent Sonic titles on our system, the Dreamcast.
They still make games for that?
PETER MOORE looks around NERVOUSLY!
PETER MOORE: Um…SEGA!!!
Dude, that wasn't an answer.
NOW, let us INTRODUCE you to our NEXT CONTESTANT!
But--he never answered my--
NOBUYUKI IDEI appeared!
NOBUYUKI IDEI: Greetings to you my friend. I am of Sony Computer Entertainment of Japan. I hope you are pleased with our product, the Playstation 2.
Oh, sorry dude… I already have a Playstation.
NOBUYUKI IDEI: Ah, but the Playstation 2 has Gran Turismo 3. Everybody loves Gran Turismo 3. You will too.
But I don't like racing ga--
NOBUYUKI IDEI: We have packaged it with the system for your convenience. No need to give thanks to us for only adding $30 to the price.
But… I don't want--
NOBUYUKI IDEI: Everyone loves GT3. You will too, whether you want to or not.
You're scaring me…
BILL GATES appeared!
BILL GATES: You do not know true fear, mortal.
Eep.
BILL GATES: Behold the glory of the almighty MICROSOFT. Bask in the greatness of these XBOX screenshots!
Wow… those do look pretty good…
BILL GATES: ...oh, damn, those are the fake ones… hold on just a second.
...fake ones?
BILL GATES: Actually I prefer the term 'Photoshop-enhanced'. Ah here is a real screen shot!
That looks like a picture of the Blue Screen of Death.
BILL GATES: Fool! This Blue Screen of Death is pushing thirty-four billion polygons per second! At least, theoretically it is!
Well, it is a very nice Blue Screen of Death, but…
BILL GATES: But nothing! Cower before the power of the XBOX!
Um… if you say so, sir.
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO appeared!
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO: Hello there, American casual gamer. Here at Nintento, we prize innovation and quality. That is why we hope to make the GameCube your system of choice.
The what?
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO: I swear, we'll start advertising soon.
Ohh wait.. I think I heard about this… aren't you the guy responsible for Powerpuff Link?
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO: With GameCube, we target both young and old gamers alike, and--
Screw that! Why the hell doesn't Link look mature like he used to??
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO: Well, if you want to know the real reason, I will answer you in song…
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO begins to SING!*
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO:
I was gonna make Link mature, but I was high, (woooOoOoo),
He was gonna be dark and cool, but I was high, (da da da da da)
Now he's a freakish mutant, and I know why… (yeah yeah),
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high… (da da da da)…
...best reason I've heard so far, actually.
NOW, the BATTLE to DESTROY CHAD-- er… WOO CHAD WITH INCENTIVES, will BEGIN!
Sounds good.
HOWEVER, since the WEBMASTER is PROBABLY A BIASED FANBOY, the RESULTS of this WAR will be DETERMINED SOLELY by a VOTE on the IGN boards!
Fweh?
THAT is RIGHT! CHAD is merely a PUPPET of POPULAR OPINION! HE has NO real WILLPOWER of his OWN!
Yes, I do! I choose--
CHAD's LIPS suddenly FUSE TOGETHER!
Mmmmmppphhh!
BILL GATES: He said XBOX! I heard it! My attorneys did too!
JOIN us TOMORROW, as DREAMCAST takes on PLAYSTATION 2 in the FIRST of FOUR BATTLES!
PETER MOORE: SEGA!!!
NOBUYUKI IDEI: Quiet, you.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #119
Battle #120: First Blood September 8, 2001
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Player: Chad the Casual Gamer [Record: 0-0-0] [Allegiance: None]
~ W A R O F C O N S O L E S ~ Episode 2… of 5? Ha!
NARRATOR posts VOTING THREADS on the IGN BOARDS!
Cool. So now we play the waiting game?
IGN MODERATORS DESCEND upon the NARRATOR!
Uh oh.
IGN MODERATORS begin BEATING the NARRATOR with BASEBALL BATS and other LARGE, BLUNT OBJECTS for POSTING such BLATANT, SELF-PROMOTING GARBAGE!
Geez, you're an all-powerful booming voice… stand up for yourself, man!
IGN MODERATORS are MORE POWERFUL than NARRATOR!
IGN-BUBBA: You get down you betta stay down, suckah!
PLEASE, have MERC--aaaaaaaAaaRRrRrrGggGGGhhhHhhHH!!!
This is the most interesting waiting game I've ever played.
IGN MODERATORS finally FINISH beating DOWN the NARRATOR!
Hey, you look none the worse for wear.
NARRATOR is BLEEDING! Just LOOK at my TEXT!
Oh my, it is rather… red… isn't it?
NARRATOR watches HELPLESSLY as its BEAUTIFULLY COMPOSED THREADS are VIOLENTLY DELETED!
So uhm… is the War of Consoles over, then?
NEVER! NARRATOR will simply FLIP A COIN to DECIDE the OUTCOME!
An almighty booming voice reduced to coin flippage? I dunno, that seems pretty pathetic.
The NARRATOR being BEATEN DOWN by a bunch of MODERATOR THUGS might ALSO be SEEN as rather PATHETIC!
Point.
NOW, please SIT BACK and RELAX while NOBUYUKI IDEI of SONY takes on PETER MOORE of SEGA!
PETER MOORE: You mean SEGA!!!
…
Player: Peter Moore of SEGA!!!
[Record: Play: Rewind: Fast Forward]
Ah ha! Fear my wrath, Mr. Idei! Fear me and fear my limited library of games!
NOBUYUKI IDEI: Ha ha, foolish man of America. My library of games is lacks an unlimited nature as well!
Well, I will send out Sonic the Hedgehog, and will use the VMU in my controller to secretly input commands!
Go! SONIC!
NOBUYUKI IDEI: You fail to input fear to my heart. I will send out the greatest game ever, Gran Turismo 3!
NOBUYUKI IDEI sent out GRAN TURISMO 3!
Alright, Sonic! Use your super speed to--
SONIC ran away!
D'oh!
Enemy GRAN TURISMO 3 BLINKS!
Wha… okay, I don't even know how to begin picturing that.
YOU don't have to PICTURE it!
YOU are standing right THERE!
IT is right in FRONT of you, BLINKING!
Actually, I just hear a loud booming voice dictating what reality is. Thanks for the effort, though.
...its HEADLIGHTS!
Oh, hey… it's a car. Cool, that helps.
Use next Pokémon?
Hmm? Oh right, I'll send out a Crazy Taxi to combat your vehicle!
The enemy has a larger install base! Get'm, CRAZY TAXI!
Okay now, Crazy Taxi--
CRAZY TAXI is CRAZY!
CRAZY TAXI self-DESTRUCTS!
I'm getting a strange feeling that the coin toss wasn't in my favor.
NOBUYUKI IDEI: Is that the best you can do?
NARRATOR is TRYING as HARD as it CAN!
IT is HARD to make FUNNY PUNS, ALRIGHT???
NOBUYUKI IDEI: I was speaking to the Sega man.
….oh.
Ah, well then.. I will counter you with my… um… with Sonic 2!
Ah ha! It is a sequel!
BILL GATES: I grow weary of this.
NOBUYUKI IDEI: Huh? Where did you come fr--
BILL GATES shoots NOBUYUKI IDEI with LARGE GUN!
What the-?
BILL GATES: I bought Sony out. Muahahahahaha!
Dude, you just ruined the War of Consoles!
BILL GATES: Actually, I'd say I've won, mortal. I'd shoot you too, but you don't even make consoles anymore.
That really hurts, man.
BILL GATES: Fear the power of the XBOX!
XBOX: Yes. Fear me.
Your console can talk?
BILL GATES: It is actually smarter than humans. But that is neither here nor there.
Aren't you forgetting Nintendo? I think they have a pretty good chance of competing--
SHIGERU MIYAMOTO: Awwwwwwww maaaaaaan, this is good stuff! Powerpuff Liiiiinkk.. Here to saaavee Hyruuuullee… cheer him, kids.. Cause he's going back to schoooooll… which is cooool…
…never mind.
CHAD: So, what about me?
BILL GATES points LARGE GUN at CHAD!
BILL GATES: What do you think, kid?
CHAD: All hail the might and glory of XBOX?
BILL GATES: Wrong answer, kid!
BILL GATES shoots CHAD with LARGE GUN!
Geez… what was the right answer?
BILL GATES: You ask too many questions, kid.
I'm not a ki--
BILL GATES shoots PETER MOORE with LARGE GUN!
SEGA!!!
PETER MOORE dies!
BILL GATES: Nice death cry, Sega boy.
JUST for the RECORD, NARRATOR thought that battle SUCKED!
BILL GATES: Don't make me throw an XBOX controller at you.
NARRATOR WHIMPERS and SHUTS UP!
BILL GATES points LARGE GUN at READERS!
BILL GATES: Y'all be leaving good feedback now, ya hear?
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