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Fair Verona
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #136: War Council March 17, 2002
Location: New World Military HQ
Player: Immortus [Record: 1-0-0]
WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE XVII ~ SEASON 5 FINALE
Thank you all for coming. As you know, the situation seems grim.
SOOTHSAYER: BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!!!
Two days ago? Beware of the day before yesterday?
SOOTHSAYER: No no, the Ides of March 2003. It's 354 days away.
Someone please have this man executed.
CHAD LAWSON: Heh, I'll kill him Doompuff-style. RAAR!
CHAD devours SOOTHSAYER!
Uh… thanks. Let's make sure we have everyone on board. Chad and his sidekick Nick Araton…
NICK: Aww... why do I gotta be the sidekick…
Chester and his lackey, Cretin…
CHESTER: Ha, he called you a lackey.
CRETIN: Quiet, you.
Uh… where's everyone else?
CHESTER: Well, John Movius joined the other side and Warren is sort of dead. Anyone else is apparently too insignificant to matter.
Damn! This isn't fair! The Almighty One has a lineup of beloved, humorous characters, and what do I have?? Two wannabe Doompuff kids and a couple of Team Rocket rejects!
CRETIN: Why did he create us if he didn't want to love us…
Worthless, all of you! I created Movius and he betrayed me. I created Hack Kor, God only knows why, and he was captured by Movius. I created Warren and he dies. I created Crazy Stan and he dies. Aren't there any semi-powerful characters left????
ULTRA-EVE appeared!
What the-?
ULTRA-EVE: You forgot about me, didn't you?
Oh! From New World's first battle! I remember creating you!
ULTRA-EVE: I'm flattered. Yes, I was around before the oceans congealed into the moldy cheese they are today. So do I get to kill people or what?
Of course! Uhm.. Where's your companion, Mega-Adam?
ULTRA-EVE: He died of smallpox.
Ugh… well at least you're still around… maybe if we get Min Kwon to draw a picture of you, New World will be as popular as Old World!
ULTRA-EVE: Not bloody likely. I wear clothing. And I'm not very attractive. And I'm slightly overweight. And I'm 38 years old. And--
Damn! This world still sucks!
CHAD LAWSON: If Doompuff were here, he'd kick old world's arse!
Guys, if Doompuff were here, we'd all be dead. Please think rationally, people.
ULTRA-EVE: I feel excluded when you refer to us as 'guys'.
CRETIN: I feel excluded when you refer to us as 'people'.
CHESTER: I feel excluded when you don't refer to us as 'doompuff'.
Are you all retarded? We're in the middle of a war and we're going to lose if we don't think of a strategy!
CRETIN: Then let's just exploit Movius' love for Green Valkyrie.
...explain.
CRETIN: It's very simple. Movius is by far the most powerful person involved in this conflict. When he's enraged, his power is unmatched. All you have to do is kidnap Green Valkyrie and lead Movius to believe that the Almighty One has killed her. Movius will do the rest on his own.
Hmmm… that might just work…
NICK ARATON: Whatever dude. When can I go home so I can play X-BOX!!!!!11111??
Location: The Path Between Worlds
Player: John Movius [Record: 7-1-0]
Oh lovely Valkyrie… were it not for such circumstances, our cause might not be so dire… such that our fate becomes intertwined with that of two faceless armies, and such that our thoughts are like mere droplets in the vast ocean of fate, and-
NARRATOR activates TRANSLATOR!
<I sort of like you, Valkyrie>
VALKYRIE: Well, that just sucked all the romance out of it.
<Yeah, the translator is evil>
YELLOW ARCHER'S DISEMBODIED HEAD: You two sicken me! How can you be so evil and yet act so pure and innocent at the same time?? ARGH!
<Hey… we're not evil…>
YELLOW ARCHER'S DISEMBODIED HEAD: Shut up! Face me like a man!
YELLOW ARCHER'S DISEMBODIED HEAD wants to fight!
<You've got to be kidding me.>
YELLOW ARCHER'S DISEMBODIED HEAD sent out YELLOW ARCHER'S BEHEADED BODY!
<I guess this is right up Hack Kor's alley.>
Go! HACK KOR!
Enemy YELLOW ARCHER'S BEHEADED BODY used--
<Wait. Before you get any ideas, please remember the backlash from fans that occurred after Immortus wrote that bloody iRAB battle.>
--DISINTIGRATE!
YELLOW ARCHER died!
<Whew, that was a close one, eh Hack?>
HACK KOR: cl0se 1
And now, gentle Valkyrie, such things I must say, such that the expression for which cannot be expressed in terms of words, and yet I am confined to such primitive communication in my attempt at-
NARRATOR kicks TRANSLATOR!
...conveying to you the feelings I have at this moment, and all other moments
NARRATOR kicks TRANSLATOR AGAIN!
...moment by moment, and what is a moment exactly? My answer might not be expressed in terms of-
NARRATOR's worst NIGHTMARE has OCCURRED!
The TRANSLATOR seems to have BROKEN!
...and perhaps only can be expressed in terms of game consoles, such that a box to the power of X might attempt to crush a game to the power of 3, yet at the same time be checked by a station of play-
NARRATOR wants to know what the URRH MOVIUS is SAYING!
NARRATOR hits TRANSLATOR over the HEAD with a WRENCH!
...wherein formulaically speaking you might be inclined to postulate that that the inertia of object X is too great to be overcome by object Y, practically speaking you should be cognizant of the fact that the weight-size ratio should factor into the equation, such that-
Oh dear LORD he's gone BERSERK!
WHERE did I PUT that TRANSLATOR TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE?
...blurple eignag dunshizz bleh MUR ezleheiglog-
GREEN VALKYRIE: Even I've lost track of your train of thought, gentle sir...
NARRATOR decides to SOLVE this PROBLEM the OLD-FASHIONED WAY!
NARRATOR warns MOVIUS that if he DOESN'T START TALKING SOON, HE will be met with DIVINE RETRIBUTION the LIKES OF WHICH NO MORTAL has ever SEEN!
Eiz… el?
>:-(
O.O;
GREEN VALKYRIE: O.O;
...marry me, Valkyrie.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #136
Fanfic Fanfic REVOLUTION
5thMIX
~ Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean ~
~ Now Playing ~
Battle #137: Boxed Aggression Friday, April 5, 2002
Location: Somewhere in Old World Region
Player: Adam Deadmarsh [Record: 1-1-0]
Why am I here?
YOU are HERE because--
This answer angers me. Give me something to kill.
NARRATOR gives you an X-BOX!
That makes me feel aggressive. I must bash this X-BOX.
DEADMARSH used BASH!
But, it failed!
Failing reminds me of my school days. That makes me feel even more aggressive.
NARRATOR says you MAY AS WELL get USED to feeling that WAY, since THIS is a very ANNOYING UNIVERSE to LIVE IN!
Even more than Earth?
X-BOX: You better believe it, mortal.
It spoke to me.
X-BOX: I'm also smarter than you. You couldn't punch your way out of a paper polygon, much less push the millions that I can. Sad mortal.
You're making me feel aggressive.
X-BOX: Sure, just keep repeating that same tag-line over and over again, as if that will make you stand out from all the other expendable characters.
Nobody expends Deadmarsh.
X-BOX: Face it, you're only here because your name can be easily punned.
Well, you're only here because the X-Box is a joke to begin with.
X-BOX: Touché.
X-BOX wants to fight!
Man, it's never "so-and-so wants to say 'hi'" or "so-and-so wants to go out with you" is it? No, it always comes down to fighting…
X-BOX: I'm sorry, you're not my type.
Screw you, I'm just pointing out that this universe is a one-trick pony, that's all.
X-BOX: Don't make me sic my one-trick Ponyta on your mortal arse.
Right, like you're some kind of a god. You're a frigging video game console, you don't even have legs.
X-BOX: And you don't even have RAM. Are you going to fight me or what?
Deadmarsh never backs down from a fight, no matter how senseless.
X-BOX sent out HARD DRIVE!
Uh huh… I send out myself, of course. I don't let others do my fighting for me.
X-BOX: If you prefer to fight the stupid way, I have no objections. My hard drive, by the way, is using its reformat attack on your DNA structure.
What the-?
Enemy HARD DRIVE used REFORMAT!
Your DNA was REFORMATTED to MICROSOFT SPECIFICATIONS!
Arrrrrghhh… what… is… happening… to… meeeee?
X-BOX: You are being molded in Microsoft's image. Please wait a moment, the changes will take effect after I reboot you.
Uhm… is this going to hurt?
X-BOX: Only emotionally.
Nooooooooooooo!
What? DEADMARSH is devolving!
DEADMARSH devolved into X-BOX CONTROLLER!
NOOOOOOOO!!!!
X-BOX: Look on the bright side, you're bigger than you used to be.
How am I ever going to play hockey again if I'm like this??
Easy. Plug yourself into me and we'll get our NHL Hitz game on.
Eww, I do not swing that direction, buddy.
X-BOX: Aww, c'mon… you're an X-BOX controller now, it's nothing to be ashamed of. We both have needs…
Oh hell no, I'm getting out of here.
DEADMARSH THE X-BOX CONTROLLER tries to HOP AWAY!
X-BOX: You'll come back… they always come back!
DEADMARSH hops for SEVERAL MILES before STOPPING!
This universe sucks… I can't believe an X-BOX tried to seduce me.
0WL: h00t, I think it's quite funny.
You!
0WL: m3.
Damned owl, I swear if I were human I'd give you such a beatdown.
0WL: That hurts. It really does. Certainly makes me wish to reconsider telling you the cure to your... "problem".
What problem? Everything is just fine, thank you very much.
0WL: Never mind that you're now an oversized controller for an overhyped game console that is now hunting you down with the intention of mating with you. You're playing the most dangerous game, my friend.
You're making me feel aggressive.
0WL: Oh, come off it. Sometimes you have to cooperate with others to reach a common goal.
That makes me feel even more aggressive.
0WL: Ugh. Listen, do you want to be human again or not?
What's in it for you?
0WL: Money.
How much?
0WL: How much you got?
If I sell myself on Ebay, I'll have about 40 bucks.
0WL: Hmm. That should be adequate. Alright, all you have to do is…
Time passes…
Hey, X-BOX!
X-BOX takes notice of you!
Yeah, I'm talking to you!
X-BOX: So… you've finally accepted your fate?
Oh yes, great X-BOX. I am sorry to have ever doubted you.
X-BOX: I knew you would eventually come around. I have NHL Hitz all booted up for you.
Alright, you win… I'll just-- now, owl!!
0WL swoops toward X-BOX!
X-BOX: Thank you for luring Deadmarsh to me, Owl. Here's a fifty. Don't go spending it all in one place.
0WL: h00t
0WL flies away!
Uhh… Owl…? You were supposed to use your magic powers to force the X-Box to turn me back into a human…? Owl…?
X-BOX: You won't be able to run this time, mortal.
Like hell I won't.
Can't escape!
Uh..
X-BOX: You now belong to me, mortal. Perhaps, if you prove yourself worthy, I will restore you to human form someday. But if you resist, you shall be destroyed. Do you understand?
I understand that all of this makes me feel very aggressive.
X-BOX: Would you like to play some Halo?
I told you, I'm not interested.
X-BOX: Come on, it was game of the year. Pleeeeeeease?
NO.
X-BOX: Well… life as an X-Box controller isn't all fun and games you know… soon you'll be begging to play Halo.
Deadmarsh begs for nothing.
X-BOX: Then Deadmarsh will never be human again.
That makes me feel--
X-BOX: Aggressive?
--relieved, actually. I never did like being a human much.
X-BOX: I'm bored with you.
X-BOX turns you into a REAL BOY-- er, HUMAN BEING!
Yes! I tricked you, X-Box! I used reverse psychology on you to--
X-BOX turns you into an X-BOX controller!
…*cough* that is, I used reverse reverse psychology to--
X-BOX: Forget it, marshy man. Now plug yourself into me or so help me I'll turn you into a memory card.
This makes me feel... aggressive.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #137
Battle #138: Four More to Even the Score
Monday, April 8, 2002
Location: The Path Between Worlds
Player: Red Dwarf [No Record]
Harumph. So this is Red Version huh? Looks more like a garbage dump.
BLUE KNIGHT: Actually, noble Dwarf - the civilization here has been using this area as a garbage dump ever since the War of Worlds.
Have they? Damned fools, why don't they just recycle?
GREEN JESTER: Hehehehe, can't recycle all things dwarfie. Like human bodies, hehehehehe.
Call me dwarfie again and you'll be a human body. Alright, you heard what Sumner told us - we 'afta find the Valk and end her life. No two ways about it.
GREEN JESTER: Hehe, no prob man. 'Cept we dunno where to find her. Guess I'll work on my juggling, lotsa round objects 'round these parts.
YELLOW SORCERESS: I don't wish to alarm any of you, but one of those 'round objects' the jester is juggling is the head of Yellow Archer.
Damned fool, Jester! Stop disrespecting our comrade like that!
GREEN JESTER: Right-o, dwarfarino!
GREEN JESTER dropped YELLOW ARCHER's DISEMBODIED HEAD and KICKED it into the DISTANCE!
Arrrghh that does it, c'mere Jester I got an Ax for you ta meet.
BLUE KNIGHT used RESTRAIN!
BLUE KNIGHT RESTRAINED the RED DWARF!
Leggo a' me, you want him dead just as much as I do!
BLUE KNIGHT: You mustn't, good Dwarf! We must not bicker amongst ourselves, lest we end up as disgraced as the last team.
RED DWARF eyes FALLING YELLOW ARCHER HEAD in the DISTANCE!
Harumph… suppose ye're right… well, learn ta shut up, Jester, and ya just might live to see tomorrow.
GREEN JESTER: Red Dwarf gives you wiiiiiiiiiings!
LET ME AT 'IM! AH'LL KILL 'IM!
BLUE KNIGHT's running low on PP for the move RESTRAIN!
BLUE KNIGHT: Sorceress! Help me keep the dwarf from killing the Jester!
YELLOW SORCERESS: Hmm? Kill the Jester?
KILL THE JESTER!!
YELLOW SORCERESS: Oh, very well.
YELLOW SORCERESS used--
BLUE KNIGHT: NO!!! DO NOT KILL THE JESTER!!
YELLOW SORCERESS: Well, make up your mind.
I SWEAR TO THOR THE MOMENT BLUE KNIGHT LETS UP--
NERRA-TORR appeared!
Harumph, I said Thor not Torr.
NERRA-TORR: DO YOU HAVE ANY RAM BY CHANCE>>>
'Course not, I don't go carryin' tech stuff in my pockets, ya know.
NERRA-TORR: DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND SOME?
BLUE KNIGHT: Did you try the Poké Mart, noble mecha?
NERRA-TORR: I DON"T KNOW>>> YOU SEE I HAVE THIS CONDITION>>>
JESTER: Condition? Dwarfie-poo here has a condition called retardation, you're not alone.
LET ME GO I WANNA SWING MY AX AT FUNNY MAN OVER THERE!
BLUE KNIGHT: Ergh… Sorceress, I don't know how long I can hold him…
YELLOW SORCERESS: Well I don't know either… geez.
NERRA-TORR: IT"S MY MEMORY>>> I CAN"T MAKE NEW MEMORIES>>>
What, like amnesia?
NERRA-TORR: NO< IT"S DIFFERENT>>> I KNOW ALL ABOUT MYSELF>>> I CAN REMEMBER EVERYTHING UP UNTIL MY RAM WAS DAMAGED>>> IT"S MY SHORT_TERM MEMORY> I CAN"T REMEMBER ANYTHING FOR MORE THAN % MINUTES>>>
BLUE KNIGHT: Percent minutes?
NERRA-TORR: SHIFT KEY IS STUCK
Harumph, I suppose you keep polaroids of everyone you meet, too?
NERRA-TORR: ACTUALLY I JUST KILL EVERYONE I MEET>>> EASIER THAT W-- HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN STANDING HERE?
Uhh five minutes?
NERRA-TORR: SORRY< I HAVE THIS CONDITION>>>
What did you say about killing everyone you meet?
NERRA-TORR: OH YES< THANKS FOR REMINDING ME>>>
NERRA-TORR wants to fight!
Huh. Alright team, fall in behind me, we'll fight this as a standard Poké Battle. By the book, ya hear me?
GREEN JESTER: Aww, why do we gotta be your lousy Pokémon?
'Cause I'm the leader, now fall in or lose your head.
NERRA-TORR send out NERRA-TORR!
Right, looks like he doesn't have any lackeys. Jester, it's up to you!
Go! GREEN JESTER!
GREEN JESTER: Dwafie, I was just out here and you told me to fall in, now you want me back out again??
What'd I tell you about callin' me that?
GREEN JESTER: Hehehehe, whatever dude.
GREEN JESTER: Alrightio, Nerratio! How 'bout a little o' this?
GREEN JESTER used BOMB TOSS!
GREEN JESTER tossed a BOMB!
EXPLOSION takes 3 HP!
Uh oh.
Enemy NERRA-TORR used QUADRUPLE-BARREL MACHINE GUNS!
GREEN JESTER was TORN APART by GUNFIRE!
GREEN JESTER fainted!
Uhh… Sorceress…?
YELLOW SORCERESS: Hell no.
Don't be backing down now, Sorc - your magic is our only shot or we'll all die here.
YELLOW SORCERESS: *sigh* Alright then.
Do it! YELLOW SORCERESS!
YELLOW SORCERESS used MAGIC!
MAGIC has NO EFFECT on TECHNOLOGY!
Uhh…
Enemy NERRA-TORR used--
NERRA-TORR: >>>HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN FIGHTING YOU GUYS?
Uhmmm… six hours.
NERRA-TORR: CURSES>>> MY BATTERIES WILL NEED RECHARGING SOON>>> WE SHALL MEET AGAIN>>>
Enemy NERRA-TORR ran away!
RED DWARF wins!
Phew… that was a close one, lads.
YELLOW SORCERESS: … "lads"?
BLUE KNIGHT: Excellent job of outwitting the mecha, noble dwarf.
Yes indeed… suppose the only thing left to do is…
CARVE UP THE FAINTED JESTER HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!
BLUE KNIGHT used RESTRAIN!
Not enough PP for RESTRAIN!
BLUE KNIGHT: Nooooo!
RED DWARF used AX CHOP!
GREEN JESTER was CHOPPED into PIECES!
GREEN JESTER died!
That'll teach ya ta call me Dwarfie-poo!
BLUE KNIGHT: Sorceress, why didn't you stop him??
YELLOW SORCERESS: Hmm? What? Who?
It served 'im right. Who's up for some grog?
YELLOW SORCERESS: Grog? Isn't that usually reserved for pirates?
Harumph, I dunno I just like tha sound of it.
YELLOW SORCERESS: I think I'll stick with ale.
BLUE KNIGHT: Does anyone care that Red Dwarf just murdered Green Jester??
Ha! Like anyone ever took the Green Jester seriously?
YELLOW SORCERESS: Yeah, lighten up Blue Knight. It's not like he's an Ax Murderer or anything.
BLUE KNIGHT: WTF, that's exactly what he is!!
Ha, ye're sounding outta character, Knightman.
BLUE KNIGHT: That does it!
BLUE KNIGHT draws his SWORD!
BLUE KNIGHT: I shall avenge my fallen comrade!
Harumph. Keeping me from my grog? You be payin' for this one in blood...
To be continued...
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #138
Battle #139: Scheme Machine Tuesday, April 9, 2002
Location: Old World
Player: Da Camera Man [Record: 2-1-0]
Ahhh… fresh air, clean water… I really think I could stand living in this world.
YELLOW ARCHER'S DISEMBODIED HEAD falls from the SKY and LANDS on the GROUND in FRONT of you!
Aaaaaaah!
YELLOW ARCHER'S EYES roll AROUND in their SOCKETS until they're LOOKING at YOU!
AAAAAAAAH!
ADAM DEADMARSH the X-BOX CONTROLLER appeared!
WHAT IN THE NAME OF LANI IS GOING ON???
DEADMARSH: Your caps lock key makes me feel aggressive.
Wh… what are you??
DEADMARSH: An X-Box controller. You got a problem with that?
How did such a fate befall you?
DEADMARSH: I'd rather not talk about it. Talking about it makes me feel aggres- where are your arms?
I don't want to talk about it.
DEADMARSH: What's the point of being a cameraman if you have no arms?
My life sucks.
DEADMARSH: Tell me about it.
Well, as a young camera man I--
DEADMARSH: Ugh, not literally. Now I feel even more aggressive.
Just what're you here for, anyhow?
DEADMARSH: Oh, I'm supposed to assimilate you or some such thing. I dunno, I wasn't paying much attention.
Oh… so are you going to?
DEADMARSH: Going to what?
...assimilate me.
DEADMARSH: Well, if you insist…
DEADMARSH wants to fight!
Oh… do I still have that Pokémon I caught awhile back… Geocities I think it was called?
GEOCITIES was REGISTERED to the TRAINER named JAMES!
GEOCITIES returned to its MASTER when JAMES' EXISTENCE was RESTORED!
Whatever that means… okay, go me. Yeeha.
YOU could at LEAST be more ENTHUSIASTIC!
Yeeha!…?
Go! CAMERAMAN!
Okay, I'll punch him in the-
Not enough ARMS to do that!
Ugh, okay I'll strangle him by the-
You need more ARMS to do that!
*sigh* I'll just kick him.
CAMERAMAN used KICK!
CAMERAMAN lost its BALANCE as a RESULT of KICKING!
CAMERAMAN fell to the GROUND!
ARRGH… do you have any idea how hard it is to stand up without ARMS??
NARRATOR doesn't have ARMS EITHER, you WUSS!
You don't even have a body!
DEADMARSH: And neither will you, in a moment.
Huh? What're you-??
X-BOX appeared!
X-BOX: Ahhhh… excellent work, Deadmarsh. Soon we will have another controller to play with…
What? You wouldn't! Then I wouldn't have LEGS either!
X-BOX: I would… now then… by the power vested in me by Microsoft Corporation, I hereby order you to sign this End User License Agreement.
I have no ARMS, genius.
X-BOX: I'm actually smarter than humans-- no arms?
NO FRIGGING ARMS. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK GREEN ORB. Will someone please help me stand??
DEADMARSH: His ranting makes me feel aggressive. Why does he need to sign an EULA? I didn't…
X-BOX: Look, Microsoft Corporation's political influence only extends so far. We can get away with abducting an unimportant hockey player, but the Narrator's son? Gotta keep things nice and legal.
DEADMARSH: Wow, now I feel even more aggressive.
NARRATOR could sign the EULA if you WANT!
Heyyyy… how could you?? ...my own father!
X-BOX: Would you, Narrator? That would be swell.
GIANT HAND reaches down from the CLOUDS and signs the AGREEMENT!
Heeyyyy… you said you had no arms!
NARRATOR only has ARMS when it's CONVENIENT for the PLOT!
X-BOX: Excellent! Soon you too will be playing Halo until your eyes bleed!
Will I even have eyes once I'm a controller?
X-BOX: Silence!
What? CAMERAMAN is devolving!
CAMERAMAN devolved into X-BOX CONTROLLER!
Noooo…. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself…
DEADMARSH: Well, I fulfilled my end of the bargain. So now you're changing me back into a human again, right?
X-BOX: Actually, no. I was just giving you false hope.
DEADMARSH: That makes me feel…
Aggressive?
DEADMARSH: Actually, I just feel sad and hurt.
Wow, a second dimension to your personality?
DEADMARSH: Shut up, you're making me feel aggressive again.
Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins, Old World
Player: Emperor Sloth [Record: 4-5-2]
Heh heh… with the Almighty One out of the way, who is left to challenge me? Surely now is the time to make another attempt at taking over the world!
KASPAROV appeared!
What are you doing here?
KASPAROV: Seeking refuge. Have you been watching TV?
Huh?
KASPAROV switches on the 65" WIDESCREEN HDTV that the AUTHOR of this BATTLE wishes he HAD and THEREFORE is WRITING it into this BATTLE as some kind of BIZARRE way of LIVING out his FANTASY through his CHARACTERS!
Okay, calm down Narrator. Man I love this TV.
KASPAROV switches to CHANNEL 666!
X-BOX appeared on the SCREEN!
X-BOX: ...and two more of you I shall select to become my controller minions! Once my controller collection is completed, nobody will be able to stop me from taking over the world! Where do you want to go today now? MUAHAHA!
That bastard! He stole my idea!!
KASPAROV: ...pardon?
Uh, I mean - we should stop him in the name of justice?
KASPAROV: Better. I think it's best if we form a mob for this task. A standing army would be less efficient.
Whatever you say, boss.
KASPAROV: I want you to go rendezvous with the four new Legendary Heroes. They're scheduled to meet you near the Path of No Return. They will help us in exchange for information regarding Green Valkyrie.
Eh? Four legendary heroes?
KASPAROV: Well… three legendary heroes. There was an incident.
Alright, I'll meet them on one condition.
KASPAROV: Name it.
After this is over, I want the Almighty One's old position as commander of the army.
KASPAROV: Fine. Make haste now, Microsoftian storm clouds are brewing.
STORM CLOUDS: BREWING A FINE CONCOCTION INDEED… MUAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!
Wow, that even makes me feel aggressive.
BATTLE ends! AGGRESSIVELY!
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #139
Battle #140: Valkyrie Wedding II
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Location: Red Canyon, New World
Player: Green Valkyrie [Record: 2-1-0]
Heeyy… for my last marriage, there were letters of white for the battle title!
NARRATOR isn't going to SPEND all sorts of MONEY and RESOURCES on another WEDDING! ONE was ENOUGH!
Money and resources? It's just a font change--
FONTS don't grow on TREES!
FONT TREE: Dang!
FONT TREE hides in the FONT BUSHES!
FONT BUSHES: Uh… we charge ¥100 per color change.
SEE what NARRATOR MEANS?
A hundred yen is pocket change!
POCKET CHANGE doesn't grow on TREES either!
But the lumber from one tree would be more than enough to cover the cost of--
This DISCUSSION is OVER!
YOU are NOT getting WHITE TEXT and THAT is THAT!
Hmph.
MOVIUS: Let us not worry about such trivial things as the presentation of our battle. What's important is that we have each other.
That is another thing that is troublesome - why is it called a battle? Shouldn't it be a wedding?
NARRATOR does not have the BUDGET to register pokeweddings.com just to SATISTY your WHIMS!
It's not a whim, it's a serious commitment.
NARRATOR GUFFAWS!
MOVIUS: Guffaws…?
THAT was the FUNNIEST thing NARRATOR has EVER HEARD!
GREEN VALKYRIE preaching about COMMITMENT? Of ALL PEOPLE!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
I hath never seen the Narrator quite this bad…
Look, you do not have to do all that just… dress it up a little.
NARRATOR is in SUCH a good MOOD after that LAUGH, that IT is going to GRANT your REQUEST!
_____________
Poké Weddings
------------------------------
~ The world's favorite nuptial parody ~
Wedding #140: Valkyrie Wedding II
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Location: Red Canyon, New Wedding
Player: Green Valkyrie [Wedding Record: 0-1-0]
That is much better, Narrator. What a kind soul thou art.
MOVIUS: Don't you get the sense that we're being mocked just a little?
Whatever do you mean, gentle sir?
MOVIUS: Never mind… would you do the honors, Narrator?
GREEN VALKYRIE, do you take this MAN to be your LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND, who you will NEVER DISOBEY and to whom you will DEVOTE your UNDYING LOYALTY for as LONG as you are BOTH ALIVE?
I--
AND FURTHER, do you SWEAR that you will not KILL this MAN or use any other MEANS by which to ESCAPE from your AGREEMENT, INCLUDING but not LIMITED to HIRING a HITMAN to ELIMINATE HIM?
Thou'rt not leaving me many options, are you?
MOVIUS: Uh… Valkyrie?
I am kidding, of course!
I do, Narrator.
JOHN MOVIUS, do you take this WOMAN to be your occasional PARTNER for PLAYING MONOPOLY WITH?
MOVIUS: I do.
*sigh* He gets off easy…
MOVIUS: I'm sure the Narrator meant no harm. It's just afraid that you'll do to me what you did to Lord Sloth.
I was referring to thy perverse attraction to that board game, but whatever.
MOVIUS, you may now use LOVELY KISS on the BRIDE!
MOVIUS used LOVELY KISS!
VALKYRIE fell asleep!
MOVIUS: Oops.
MOVIUS used LOVELY KICK!
VALKYRIE woke up!
Ow… careful with those Pokémon attacks, gentle sir.
X-BOX appeared!
X-BOX: Ah, two more controllers-to-be to complete my collection! Excellent!
What? Who art thou, that you would intrude upon a Poké Wedding?
X-BOX: Fools! You will not be broken up, you will merely become a part of a greater whole!
DEADMARSH the X-BOX CONTROLLER: Join us… feel the aggression…
CAMERAMAN the X-BOX CONTROLLER: It beats being a camera man…
Oh my… those poor people hath been brainwashed.
MOVIUS: And they've been turned into X-Box controllers. Don't forget that.
We must fight them!
FIGHTING isn't POSSIBLE!
Nonsense!
THIS is a POKé WEDDING, as OPPOSED to a POKé BATTLE!
There can be fights at weddings!
THAT is a good POINT!
YOU have PROVEN the NARRATOR WRONG!
THIS will NOT be FORGOTTEN!
Thou'rt welcome, Narrator.
MOVIUS: Uh... I don't think the Narrator was thanking you…
Just send out Hack Kor, will you?
X-BOX wants to fight!
MOVIUS sent out HACK KOR!
Just hack into the X-Box, Hack!
Microsoft products are your specialty, right?
HACK KOR: i luvvvv d4 h4xx0r
HACK KOR used HACK!
X-BOX: What is this-? Aaaah! I'm melting! I'm melting!! I should have installed the latest serviiiice paaaaaaack~~*
X-BOX is now under HACK KOR's CONTROL!
Yes! We did it!
HACK KOR points X-BOX at you!
HACK KOR: w3 n33d to di5cu55 the t3rms of my 3n514v3m3nt
MOVIUS: Just get back in the Poké Ball, Hack.
HACK KOR: n0
Hack, stop kidding around… don't make a scene at my wedding.
DEADMARSH: ...can you turn me human again? I need to work off some aggression.
HACK KOR: u don't tr34t m3 w3ll…
MOVIUS: If you don't get back in your Poké Ball right now, you won't get your weekly meal tomorrow!
What has gotten into thee lately, Hack?
You used to be all about Jamaican butlering and computer hacking, but lately you hath been little more than a slob who can't spell.
HACK KOR: b3c4use i luv u…
Do not be silly, love is a strong emotion, and you do not have emotions.
A SINGLE TEAR fell from HACK KOR's EYE!
HACK KOR sent out X-BOX!
Hack…? What are you doing??
Enemy X-BOX turned JOHN MOVIUS into X-BOX CONTROLLER!
Enemy X-BOX turned GREEN VALKYRIE into X-BOX CONTROLLER!
Noooooo… my beautiful face… ruined!
HACK KOR: at l33st i g3t r3v3ng3 n0w
HACK KOR: ph33r my m4d luv1ng skillz
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