Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #131: Owlingly Funny December 13, 2001
Location: The farthest reaches of Old World
Player: Adam Deadmarsh [Record: 1-0-0]
~ On the fifth day of Poké Battles Jason wrote for me… five little dancing giiiirls... four spell-checked wheelies,, three ugly cretins, two moronic guards, and some oddness from Laaaaani. :) ~ WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE XII
*gasp, pant* … I think I finally lost the owl.
OWL: Hoot. I dearly hope you will try to find me.
OWL: Why are you afraid of me?
I am not afraid. Deadmarsh fears nothing.
OWL: I would not have guessed it by the way you ran, arms flailing and all.
Don't make me beat you upside your crooked head.
OWL: You couldn't beat your way out of a paper bag.
You're making me feel angry and aggressive.
OWL: Bring it.
OWL wants to fight!
Prepare to taste hockey stick, Owl-boy.
DEADMARSH, please select your POKéMON!
INNER-CITY LOS ANGELES BEATDOWN RULES are NO LONGER in effect!
CURRENT RULESET is STANDARD POKé BATTLE!
SEND OUT your POKéMON!
Don't make me shove this stick where the son don't shine, red dude.
Stay out of this, it's not your business.
PERHAPS you don't UNDERSTAND the SITUATION!
YOU are in the NARRATOR's WORLD!
YOU are THEREFORE SUBJECT to the RULES of POKé BATTLES and the WHIMS of its FANS!
What are you blabbering on about?
YOU are now the PROPERTY of POKEBATTLES.COM!
KISS your FREE WILL GOODBYE!
[22:49] <MrKite> now dance puppet dance
DEADMARSH begins to DANCE AROUND like a LITTLE GIRL!
Wh-- what the-?? Aaaaaaah!!
OWL sent out LITTLE GIRLS!
LITTLE GIRL: you really suck at dancing, mister
LITTLE GIRL #2: this is how you do it!
LITTLE GIRL #3: no no, lift your legs higher
LITTLE GIRL #4: this would be easier if you weren't wearing ice skates…
LITTLE GIRL #5: do you do figure skating too? do you suck as badly at that as you do at this?
Make it stooop. Maaaake it stoooop!
LITTLE GIRL: make it stoop?
LITTLE GIRL #2: like we would stoop to helping you?
LITTLE GIRL #3: maybe you'd be happier just prancing around
LITTLE GIRL #4: i wish you'd stop dancing so I could take off your ice skates
LITTLE GIRL #5: you dance like a little girl, mister
Arrgh.. Alright alright red guy, I'll play by your rules!
RED GUY is called the NARRATOR, you WORM!
*growl* Right… Narrator-
That's SIR NARRATOR to YOU!
...sir Narrator, what do I do if I have no Pokémon?
SEND OUT yourself!
Okay, I'll do that.
YOU have to SAY, GO DEADMARSH!
What do I look like, Inspector Gadget??
Just DO it!
...go Deadmarsh. There, happy?
Okay, now what?
NOW you need to choose a MOVE that you want to DO against enemy LITTLE GIRLS!
Wait, why can't I attack the Owl?
The OWL hasn't sent itself OUT yet!
But it's just sitting right there--
YOU have to attack LITTLE GIRLS!
I have to?
You HAVE to!
Okay… I'll do that.
YOU have to SPECIFY the EXACT ATTACK you want to DO!
Um, I'll swing my hockey stick at them.
DEADMARSH used HOCKEY STICK SWING!
HOCKEY STICK hit enemy LITTLE GIRL #4 on the HEAD!
Enemy LITTLE GIRL #4 begins to CRY!
OWL: What kind of heartless bastard would go around hitting little girls on the head with a hockey stick?
LITTLE GIRL #4 falls on GROUND and CLUTCHES HER HEAD in PAIN while CONTINUING to CRY!
DEADMARSH scratches his HEAD!
So… can I attack the Owl yet?
NOT until enemy LITTLE GIRLS faints!
But.. I don't want to--
It's the ONLY WAY to advance the BATTLE!
Man… all the fun has gone out of this, I quit.
Is ADAM DEADMARSH going to FORFEIT?
Deadmarsh forfeits nothing.
OWL: Hoot. Coward. Face me like a man.
No way dude, not if I have to bash little girls' skulls in to do it. Geez, this Universe is sick, you know that? SICK.
DEADMARSH forfeits the MATCH!
LITTLE GIRLS begins LAUGHING at you!
OWL: h00t. j00 suxx0rz. | 0wnz0rz u.
Hey, I thought that little girl was hurt. Why's she laughing now?
LITTLE GIRL #4: owie all gone now. you suck, mister. you couldn't even beat a little girl in a fight.
OWL: Oh, I feel all warm and tingly inside.
...stay away from me, Owl.
What? OWL is evolving!
OWL evolved into 0WL!
He looks… more sinister.
ALMIGHTY ONE appeared!
ALMIGHTY ONE: Alright, what are you two doing in my world? Where did you come from?
Stop asking me questions. That makes me feel aggressive.
ALMIGHTY ONE: And you, Owl!
ALMIGHTY ONE: …can you help me with the Water Temple? I'm really stumped here.
ALMIGHTY ONE: Wow, thanks. You're free to go.
0WL flies away!
You know, I would really like to go back to Los Angeles now.
ALMIGHTY ONE: You mean to say you're from Earth?
Uh, yeah. Big planet, about the size of an X-Box. You seen it?
ALMIGHTY ONE: Yes, I miss it mightily. What's been going on over there since I left last Summer?
You mean besides the War?
ALMIGHTY ONE: Ha ha, very funny.
...never mind. How do I get back?
ALMIGHTY ONE: You don't.
Ha ha, very funny.
ALMIGHTY ONE: No seriously, you're stuck here.
That makes me feel aggressive…
ALMIGHTY ONE: Bring it.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #131
Battle #132: Inn of the Lost Pun December 19, 2001
Location: The Old World Tavern
Player: Trick-or-treater [Record: 0-1-0]
~ On the sixth day of Poké Battles Jason wrote for me… six smiling patrons, five little dancing giiiirls... four spell-checked wheelies,, three ugly cretins, two moronic guards, and some oddness from Laaaaani. :) ~ WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE XIII
WELCOME to the OLD WORLD TAVERN!
HAVE a DRINK and be MERRY, for over YONDER are SMILING PATRONS who wish to WELCOME you!
Right… anyone care that I haven't been seen since Halloween 2000?
NOT in the SLIGHTEST!
Oh well.. I guess I'll go say "hi" to those patrons over there.
SMILING PATRON #1: Why hello, weary traveler!
SMILING PATRON #2: Rest yer feet, fella!
SMILING PATRON #3: We're your friends!
SMILING PATRON #4: Indeed we are, good buddy.
SMILING PATRON #5: Have a drink with us!
SMILING PATRON #6: Yes, that we may make you feel more welcome.
SMILING PATRON #1: What did he say?
SMILING PATRON #2: I think he said something about being high.
SMILING PATRON #3: What is he, a kite?
SMILING PATRON #4: Whatever he is, I don't like him.
SMILING PATRON #5: Them's fightin' words.
SMILING PATRON #6: BAR FIGHT!
SMILING PATRONS wants to fight!
Geez, six on one? It hardly seems fair.
For EXPENDABLE CHARACTERS, LIFE rarely IS!
Well… I'll send out… Al Gore!
AL GORE is LONG DEAD!
VOICE FROM UNDERWORLD: I AM NOT!!!
Odd.. I could've sworn I caught him.. Okay, go George Bush!
GEORGE BUSH is busy on EARTH running a WAR!
How did he get to Earth?
NARRATOR isn't SURE! He said SOMETHING about STRATEGERY and just WARPED THERE!
So, what Pokémon do I have?
Oh dear lord.
LORD: Get on with it, I've got a battle to write.
Are you… really…?
LORD: Little Red Writing Hood, at your service.
Wow… why did you reveal yourself to a minor character like me first?
LORD: You're the first one to try to talk to me. I get so lonely…
Huh… well, I was hoping you could-- wait, did you say 'Pika'?
LORD: No. Boy, look at the time. I've gotta go.
Wait! You gotta help me with these--
SMILING PATRON #1: I'm gonna pound ya.
SMILING PATRON #2: I'm gonna wipe the floor with ya.
SMILING PATRON #3: I'm gonna threaten ya.
SMILING PATRON #4: I'm gonna tell on ya.
SMILING PATRON #5: I'm gonna eat ya.
SMILING PATRON #6: I'm gonna watch ya, as all those other things are done to ya.
Are… you guys going to continue smiling while you do all that?
SMILING PATRON #1: Don't see why not.
*sigh* Go… Ratatta.
Enemy SMILING PATRONS used POUND, WIPE, THREAT, TELL, EAT, and WATCH!
RATATTA is now EXTINCT!
Woah, that was the last one?
NO, the ATTACK was so BRUTAL, it WIPED OUT the ENTIRE RATATTA POPULATION!
Wow. So when they do that to me, will humans become extinct?
SMILING PATRON #1: Uh oh, I didn't think of that.
SMILING PATRON #2: Wow, we could have made a deadly mistake.
SMILING PATRON #3: But I like making deadly mistakes.
SMILING PATRON #4: That why you bought an X-Box?
SMILING PATRON #5: X-Box rox.
SMILING PATRON #6: I'll watch ya play.
SMILING PATRONS go off to GAME and WATCH!
MR. GAME & WATCH! NOW STARRING in SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE for NINTENDO GAMECUBE!
So did I-
TRICK-OR-TREATER wins by DEFAULT!
Yaay… and curse my parents for naming me Trick-or-treater...
INNKEEPER: Who's going to pay for all this damage?
Huh? What damage?
INNKEEPER: All my tables and chairs are smashed! My business is ruined!
Why don't you get the Smiling Patrons to pay for it… they're responsible.
INNKEEPER: Ha! You won the battle, so you're paying up!
INNKEEPER wants to fight!
INNKEEPER: I don't take kindly to cheapskates.
Do I have any more Pokémon?
NOTHING of any great IMPORTANCE!
JUST a MEWTWO or TWO!
YOU should be WARNED that MEWTWO isn't a very--
MEWTWO: Muahahahaha, I love you all!
Now, destroy the-- wha?
MEWTWO: Wheeeee, flowers are nice, peace is fun… muahaha..
INNKEEPER: You fool. Mewtwo is a Pacifist Pokémon. Even more worthless than Ratatta.
It isn't fair…
MEWTWO runs away to do GOOD DEEDS and bring JOY to others' LIVES!
*sigh* .. Alright, go me.
INNKEEPER: I'm going to enjoy this.
INNKEEPER sent out INNKEEPER!
Enemy INNKEEPER used KEEP!
Enemy INNKEEPER will KEEP you BUSY washing DISHES to pay off your HUGE DEBT!
Enemy INNKEEPER wins!
Damn, I was hoping you would just kill me.
INNKEEPER: You wish.
Wow, so do I get a win and a loss on my record for just this one battle?
ACTUALLY, NARRATOR was thinking of IGNORING the WIN!
NARRATOR is KIDDING!
Now GO wash your DISHES!
Well, I'll turn it into a game! I'll see how many dishes I can wash in one hour, and then I'll try to beat that record!
INNKEEPER: The hell you will. You're going to wash dishes and you're going to be miserable.
INNKEEPER: You can start right now.
But all the dishes are broken into tiny pieces and-
INNKEEPER: Better get gluing then.
But Scotch Tape would be better-
INNKEEPER: Any more lip from you and I'll send you up to play X-Box with the Smiling Patrons.
But even that's better than-
INNKEEPER: Shut up and post some feedback.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #132
Battle #133: The Lost Parody December 31, 2001
Location: Some forgotten place in Old World
Player: James from Team Rocket [Record: 6-8-0]
~ On the seventh day of Poké Battles Jason wrote for me… seven lame excuses, six smiling patrons, five little dancing giiiirls... four spell-checked wheelies,, three ugly cretins, two moronic guards, and some oddness from Laaaaani. :) ~ WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE XIV
JAMES points GUN at HIS OWN HEAD!
Goodbye, cruel wor-- wha?
I'm… I'm… in a Poké Battle?
The LOUD, BOOMING VOICE wasn't ENOUGH of an INDICATOR?
What gives?? I haven't been in a battle for over a year this time!
I can't believe I actually get the spotlight this week...
THIS is the FIRST of NINE BATTLES that are SUPPOSED to APPEAR TODAY!
YOU will VERY QUICKLY drop into the ARCHIVES!
Well, that figures.
...you really suppose there will be nine battles in one day?
BUT it's the THOUGHT that COUNTS, RIGHT?
Why, it's JESSIE! How are things, my friend?
JESSIE says THINGS are not WELL and she is CERTAINLY not your FRIEND!
Come on, we're in a battle for once… lighten up… hey, maybe we'll even get a chance to do our motto. Eh?
JESSIE says that TEAM ROCKET may as well be DISBANDED!
Whaaat? How can you say a thing like that?
JESSIE suggests you LOOK AROUND!
JESSIE points out that there are VIRTUALLY NO POKéMON left to CATCH!
JESSIE also mentions that there CERTAINLY are no PIKACHU!
JESSIE goes on to RANT about how NOTHING from GOLD and SILVER VERSIONS ever MADE it into THIS WORLD!
Well, that figures, I mean this place is called Red Version and-- did you say no Pikachu??
JESSIE nods GRAVELY!
What ever happened to the one we were chasing after…?
JESSIE isn't SURE!
Well, that sucks. Sure is too bad there aren't any Pokémon anymore…
JAMES returns to CONTEMPLATING the GUN!
Sigh… there's nothing left in the world to live for…
NARRATOR gains an EVIL GRIN!
Jessie… the sky is grinning evilly again…
NARRATOR says if you want GOLD VERSION so bad, YOU can HAVE it!
Yaaay! I sense no trickery at all here!
Location: Place that exists only in James' mind
Whee… let's talk up the local townsfolk, eh Jessie? Maybe we can even rob the Poké Mart.
JESSIE says SOMETHING isn't RIGHT HERE!
Of course it's not! We've been living in a non-Pokémon area for too long. Come on, aren't you excited?
CATCH IT! --er.. I mean, you startled me.
VILLAGER: Slowpoke Tails are scrumptious! I feel like eating a whole bowl of them!
I… feel like I'm going to throw up…
VILLAGER holds up FRESH SLOWPOKE TAIL!
It EVEN still has BLOOD DRIPPING from it!
Eww… since when do people eat the tails of Slowpokes…?
VILLAGER: Since TEAM ROCKET began providing them to us for low, low prices!
VILLAGER takes a NICE, JUICY BITE out of the SLOWPOKE TAIL!
This place is sick… sick I tell you!
JESSIE says even SHE is feeling a bit QUEASY!
How did Team Rocket ever stoop this low?
What ever happened to good old-fashioned Pikachu-stealing?
VILLAGER: Pikachu is easy to catch if you have the right BALLS.
VILLAGER: KURT makes some REALLY GOOD CUSTOM BALLS.
VILLAGER: KURT'S BALLS are among the best!
...okay, please stop saying that.
VILLAGER SHRUGS and walks AWAY!
Alright Jessie, you heard the random NPC - we have to go find this Kurt guy so he can help us nab Pikachu.
JESSIE decides to FOLLOW you for the TIME BEING!
So glad to have your support.
Just the man I was looking for.
KURT: Do you want to see my BALLS?
KURT: You'll have to wait awhile. I'm not selling any more custom BALLS until I've defeated Team Rocket's Slowpoke Tail Harvesting Operation!
Oh… we'll help you then.
KURT: Will you? I-- heeeyy… why are you two wearing Team Rocket uniforms?
Oh, uhm.. These? These aren't Team Rocket uniforms, they're… uhm… fake Team Rocket uniforms… for… spying…
KURT: This is great news! Well, let's go down the WELL where the SLOWPOKES are and defeat TEAM ROCKET!
Yes! Down with TEAM ROCKET!
JESSIE rolls her EYES!
KURT jumped down WELL!
KURT lands on his HEAD and passes OUT!
Uh oh… guess it's up to us, Jessie!
TEAM ROCKET GRUNT: Stop our operations? If we took orders from you, we wouldn't be.. Something.. Hey, aren't you guys the famous Jessie & James of Team Rocket? Cool! Now DIE!
TEAM ROCKET GRUNT sent out WOOPER!
Wow! Do you see that, Jessie? An actual Gold Version Pokémon!
It brings tears to my eyes…
JESSIE thinks that WOOPER is a STUPID NAME!
Bah, you're just bitter.
JESSIE walks AWAY!
HEY! Arrgh, never can rely on her…
...oh right, it "evolved" …
Enemy WOOPER used WATER GUN!
GEOCITIES was SHORTED OUT!
GEOCITIES proceeded to FAINT!
JAMES sent out JAMES!
Wooper, obey me! I am of Team Rocket!
Enemy WOOPER joined your party!
...I can't believe that actually worked.
Enemy TEAM ROCKET GRUNT cedes the MATCH!
TEAM ROCKET GRUNT begs your FORGIVENESS!
TEAM ROCKET GRUNT promises to NEVER sell SLOW POKE TAILS again!
Well… I suppose I'll let you go, then.
KURT: You did it, JAMES! Come back tomorrow and I'll give you some CUSTOM BALLS!
Poké Balls, right?
KURT: You wish. MUAHAHAHA!
Oh dear God no.
VILLAGER: Mmmm, mmm! These SLOWPOKE HEADS are even more lip-smackin' delicious than the TAILS were! Won't you have one?
Blurgh… I've learned my lesson Narrator… I'll never wish for a Pokémon-related world again… I promise…
NARRATOR is GLAD you've seen the LIGHT!
But YOU have had the POWER to go HOME this entire TIME!
Just CLICK YOUR HEELS TOGETHER three TIMES and you'll return to RED VERSION!
JAMES clicks HEELS together like a LITTLE GIRL!
LITTLE GIRL #4: You suck at clicking heels together, mister.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #133
Battle #134: Lovely Love February 24, 2002
Location: The Path between Worlds
Player: Green Valkyrie [Record: 4-2-0]
LOVE OF WORLDS EPISODE XV
Something isn't right here…
GREEN VALKYRIE is holding a FLOWER!
IT is very BEAUTIFUL!
Narrator? Is that you?
Yes, it is I, FAIR MAIDEN!
Movius… I think the Narrator is hitting on me…
MOVIUS: Fear not, fair maiden. Therein lies nothing more than a voice; no touch comes from such a source.
Why is the Narrator pink?
PINK is the COLOR of LOVE!
LOVE LOVE LOVE!
LORD SLOTH appeared!
YELLOW ARCHER appeared!
Aaah! The enemy!
LORD SLOTH: My former love. I do forgive you this day.
YELLOW ARCHER: My former ally. My love for you as a comrade has never faded.
MOVIUS: I love both of you as well.
LORD SLOTH: We should not fight amongst ourselves.
YELLOW ARCHER: Violence is not the answer.
MOVIUS: Love can heal all wounds.
MEWTWO: I agree. MUAHAHAHAHA. Pokémon aren't meant to fight.
You guys are scaring me…
YELLOW ARCHER: Oh Valkyrie! Why did we ever fight?
YELLOW ARCHER runs TOWARD you, ARMS EXTENDED and TEARS running down her CHEEKS!
Aaaaaah! Multiblade Arc!
GREEN VALKYRIE used MULTIBLADE ARC!
YELLOW ARCHER runs into GREEN VALKYRIE's DEADLY ATTACK!
YELLOW ARCHER is DUMBFOUNDED as MASSIVE AMOUNTS of her BLOOD pour onto the GROUND!
YELLOW ARCHER: *gasp* … et… et tú, Valk..?
YELLOW ARCHER fainted!
Ahhhh much better… the Narration flows red once more!
MOVIUS is SHOCKED!
LORD SLOTH is HORRIFIED!
MEWTWO is SADDENED and goes back to playing SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE! Now out-of-stock at a store near you for only $49.95!
MOVIUS wants to know if you have any IDEA what you've DONE!
I caused things to make sense again…?
LORD SLOTH: This shall not be forgiven! Now, Kasparov!
Kasparov is here? Wh--?
GIANT NET falls from the SKY!
MOVIUS and VALKYRIE become TRAPPED inside the NET!
Curses! You only slow me down, I'll use my sword to cut through--
THIS is no ORDINARY NET!
THIS is a MICROSOFT .NET from which there is NO ESCAPE!
Uh, okay. So I'll just use my sword to cut through--
SWORD is INEFFECTIVE against PUN-SPAWNED .NET!
Argh! How did Lord Sloth get one of these things anyway??
LORD SLOTH says MICROSOFT wants to use YOU in the upcoming DEAD OR ALIVE 4!
MOVIUS (TRANSLATED): Have we reached our quota of gaming jokes this battle? Please?
MOVIUS continues to HOPE and DREAM WISTFULLY about IMPOSSIBLE THINGS!
Stop being so wistful, we have to think of a way out of here.
LORD SLOTH says he has to make a PHONE CALL!
LORD SLOTH will leave you two ALONE and let the MICROSOFT .NET do all the WORK!
*sigh* .. Oh Movius, how could such a thing happen to us? Must the bad guys win this war?
MOVIUS wants to know WHY you SLAUGHTERED the YELLOW VALKYRIE when ALL she was trying to DO was HUG you!
The hug of death, I'm certain. Go play Kung Fu for the NES, then you'll understand.
MOVIUS begs you not to REFER to any more VIDEO GAMES!
Oh Movius… will we never live happily ever after? Are we doomed to the fate of Thomas and Sylvia in Kung Fu for the NES?
MOVIUS (TRANSLATED): …
Hey Movius… I think I know how we can get out of this… let Hack Kor out of his Poké Ball.
MOVIUS (TRANSLATED): During a Valentine's Day battle? Are you mad?
Just do it! It's our only chance!
MOVIUS sent out HACK KOR!
HACK KOR: w00t! Ph33r my m4d luv1ng sk1llz.
HACK KOR stands OUTSIDE the .NET!
Right, now capture me Movius.
MOVIUS (TRANSLATED): Ahh.. Now I see.
MOVIUS used CAPTURE!
MOVIUS CAPTURES VALKYRIE's HEART!
MOVIUS says BATTLE has reverted to LOVE MODE!
MOVIUS says you NEED to do something VIOLENT quickly!
Oh but gentle sir… you have captured my heart.
LOVE LOVE LOVE!
HACK KOR: luv luv luuuuvvvv
MOVIUS (TRANSLATED): No! My Poké Ball won't work under these conditions, Valk! You have to hit me or something!
I could never, gentle sir… let us die together, 'tis far greater a fate than resorting to such ugly tactics.
MOVIUS (TRANSLATED): Valkyrie… you are right… let it end this way, then.
MOVIUS used HUG OF DEATH!
MOVIUS (TRANSLATED): What the-?
Clever Movius! Your Kung Fu for the NES tactics have freed us from the deadly lovegrip of the pink narrator! Quickly, the Poké Ball!
MOVIUS used POKé BALL!
GREEN VALKYRIE was captured!
MOVIUS sent out VALKYRIE!
VALKYRIE now STANDS outside the .NET!
At last I am free!
MOVIUS (Translated): I'll toss you my Poké Ball, then you--
Nah, your usefulness is at an end.
MOVIUS (Translated): Pardon?
I am sorry, gentle sir - but my task in New World is complete.. I must report to my superiors.
MOVIUS (Translated): You.. You're s spy?
I decided just now that I am. Brilliant plot twist huh?
MOVIUS (Translated): Nooooo… who would have ever guessed that you would betray meeeeeee…
HA! Silly Movius… and now I--
HACK KOR pounces on you!
Ach! Forgot about him!
HACK KOR hits GREEN VALKYRIE over the head with a MONOPOLY BOARD!
Arrgh… damn you… Parker Bros….
SUPER PARKER BROS. MELEE! Coming soon only to X-BOX, home of ORIGINAL, INNOVATIVE TITLES!
MOVIUS (Translated): *sob* .. I lost my one true love and I had to listen to video game jokes all day…
HACK KOR: ur also in a net
MOVIUS (Translated): Thanks Hack…
To be continued… (in April, at this rate)
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #134
Battle #135: The Spy who Betrayed me Repeatedly
February 25, 2002
Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins
Player: Almighty One [Record: 1-0-0]
WAR OF WORLDS EPISODE XVI
Hmm.. I can't help but wonder how the battle went…
LORD SLOTH appeared!
Lt. Sloth! You bring good news, I hope?
LSLOTH: Hnn… so that's my rank…
Out with it, Slow One.
LSLOTH: We lost Yellow Archer in battle, Great One.
LSLOTH: I stand corrected. John Movius and his annoying Pokémon have been captured, Green Valkyrie has… rejoined our side. She claims to have been doing spy work for us. I'm uncertain whether we should believe her or not.
Ooh, Green Valkyrie is here?
LSLOTH: She is in the prison with the other two.
We have a prison?
LSLOTH: We do.
Well why'd you put her there? I thought you said she was on our side now.
LSLOTH: ...she has betrayed us many times, sir. I also witnessed her brutal slaughter of Yellow Archer just minutes ago.
Huh. Did she die?
LSLOTH: Nobody could have survived that, sir. She was cut into shreds.
Did the Narrator ever say she died though…?
Location: The Path Between Worlds
YELLOW ARCHER's DISEMBODIED HEAD: Valkyrie, I swear, I will hunt you down and kill you the moment I locate both my legs! ARRRRGGH!
Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins
LSLOTH: I'd actually rather not think about it.
Good call. But I'm outraged that you imprisoned a loyal Old World veteran like Valkyrie.
Get a grip, man! She's a scantily clad female anime girl! What could possibly go wrong?
LSLOTH: Hnnn... you must be suffering memory loss… this does not bode well.
FIVE MINUTES LATER…
So, Green Valkyrie… I hear you have some… information for us?
GREEN VALKYRIE: Of course, oh studly godlike incarnation, sir.
Ahh… flattery will get you nowhere, Colonel Valkyrie.
LSLOTH: What? She already outranks me?
Well, you're not as pleasant to look at.
LSLOTH: Hnn… if you'll pardon me, sir - I'm off to find a good place to throw up.
Go right ahead.
LORD SLOTH ran away!
GREEN VALKYRIE: Now then, I took the liberty of drawing this map of the New World. I marked a giant 'X' where their military headquarters is.
Hmm. How do you suggest we infiltrate their military headquarters?
GREEN VALKYRIE: Ah, well that is quite simple. Apparently their entire military complex depends upon a single flag resting in a power generator. Remove the flag, and they're crippled. Bring the flag back to Old World, and all of New World will explode.
Excellent! We must move and attack as hastily as possible, without even considering other options! Where's Kasparov?
GREEN VALKYRIE: I think he accidentally locked himself in one of the prison cells. I'll get him for you.
Hey, thanks. Here's the key.
GREEN VALKYRIE: Oh, no problem at all. I live only to serve.
ONE TENTH OF A SECOND LATER…
Waaaaaait a minute… this isn't a map, it's a picture of an X-Box!
LSLOTH runs in!
LSLOTH: Green Valkyrie has betrayed us, sir. She and John Movius are running back toward the path between worlds as we speak.
Curses! She's worse than Meowth!
GARRY KASPAROV: Nothing's worse than Meowth. However, I feel compelled to point out that NERRA-TORR is able to catch them, if we activate it now.
Location: Grassy Field of No Return
Player: Nerra-Torr [Record: 2-0-0]
138240K MEMORY OK>>>
WARNING>>> I WAS NOT PROPERLY SHUT DOWN LAST SESSION>>> RUNNING SCANDISK>>> TO AVOID THIS MESSAGE IN THE FUTURE< ALWAYS SHUT ME DOWN BY SINGING ME A LULLABY TO PUT ME INTO SLEEP MODE< THEN GENTLY PRESS THE POWER BUTTON>>>
GREEN VALKYRIE appeared!
JOHN MOVIUS appeared!
SCANNING FOR TARGETS>>>
JOHN MOVIUS wants to fight!
HOW AMUSING< VERY WELL I WILL SEND MYSELF OUT>>>
JOHN MOVIUS sent out HACK KOR!
HAHA>>> HACKING WILL NOT WORK>>> I HAVE DOWNLOADED THE LATEST SECURITY PATCHES FROM MICROSOFT AS OF iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
HACK KOR gained 56,000 exp. Points!
HACK KOR grew to level 92!
Location: Lord Sloth's Castle Ruins
Player: Almighty One [Record: 1-0-0]
LSLOTH: It appears that they have escaped, Almighty One.
Curses! How was I to know they had an expert hacker with them??
KASPAROV: Actually, we were all well aware of that fact--
Silence! My power is waning, you fools… we needed this victory… I am surrounded by incompetence!
KASPAROV: What are you talking about, we successfully captured them, and you handed them the prison key--
GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, SLACKERS!
LSLOTH: Your office? You're standing in a pile of rubble that used to be my castle.
KASPAROV: Slackers? We did all the work while you sat here playing Nintendo.
LSLOTH sees he WENT too FAR and sneaks AWAY!
KASPAROV wraps his UBER-COOL BLACK CAPE around him and VANISHES into the MISTS OF TIME!
Green Valkyrie… your treachery is unmatched… as is your beauty… this was not our final meeting. No, we have much to settle between us, you and I.
Guess I'll go play Kung Fu for the NES. Must rescue Sylvia!
MR. X.: HA HA HA HA ! ! !
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