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Narrator's Breakdown
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #71: Evil Uprising August 16, 2000
Location: The Poké Center, Red Version City
Player: "Mysterious Voice" [No Record]
...what? Where am I?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE is in POKé CENTER!
This--I know this place! This is from the battle I wrote! Yes, I'd know those blood splatterings anywhere!
NARRATOR doesn't think 'splatterings' is a WORD!
NARRATOR also thinks LAST WEEK'S BATTLE was pretty BAD!
Bah! My battle was a masterpiece!
YE OLDE iRAB appeared!
What? He's still alive?
His DEATH was never NARRATED!
Therefore, his LIFE continues!
Whoops. I guess I left a loose end in that last battle.
iRAB wants to know how he's still ALIVE!
Geez, can't you hear that loud, booming voice?
Anyway, you're creeping me out. You're nothing but a skeleton with rotting flesh now.
iRAB looked in MIRROR!
iRAB SCREAMS!
Anyway, it seems we are allies for the time being. I must figure out a way to return to Earth.
iRAB wants to know how you got HERE!
The Webmaster banished me to this place after writing a bloody battle about you- eh… uh oh.
iRAB is FURIOUS!
iRAB says YOU are responsible for his MISSING HAND!
Not to mention the missing blood, eh?
iRAB wants to fight!
Is that a fact? Well then--face my wrath!
iRAB is facing the WRATH of MYSTERIOUS VOICE!
Mysterious-? I think the time for mystery has passed.
I AM IMMORTUS, THE IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE KILLED!
NARRATOR wants to know WHAT KIND OF PARENTS would name their kid IMMORTUS!
The kind who are now dead because of it. Just get my name changed already!
Player: Immortus [No Record]
Much better. Now, feel my wrath!
iRAB sent out JEEVES!
Go. Myself.
IMMORTUS sent out IMMORTUS!
I'd like to see what kind of attack you will try using against an immortal soul such as myself.
Enemy JEEVES used FAINT!
Enemy JEEVES fainted!
An interesting tactic, but it shall do you no good. For I am IMMORTUS, THE IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE KILLED!
iRAB pleads for you to STOP SAYING THAT!
NARRATOR pleads for you to LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK TO ME!
Bah ha ha! I cannot be killed!
iRAB sent out iRAB!
Myself: Use my Possession Attack
IMMORTUS used POSSESS!
Enemy iRAB became POSSESSED!
Bah ha ha! You are mine to control now!
OFFICER JENNY appeared!
Eh? What's this all about?
OFFICER JENNY says you are in violation of NINE TENTHS of the LAW!
…
…
Nope. That wasn't funny.
Darn.
OFFICER JENNY vanished!
Glad the weekly pun is over with. Now, iRAB - I demand that you capture yourself.
iRAB used POKé BALL!
iRAB was caught!
Now it's a simple matter of picking up the Poké Ball and-
POKé BALL is ROLLING AWAY!
What?? Grr… iRAB's in control of his own actions again. Seems he's smarter than I gave him credit for.
iRAB rolled out of the POKé CENTER!
No! I need that Pokémon! I shall give chase!
iRAB rolled into a STORM DRAIN!
Arrgh! You cannot escape me for long! I shall unleash my unholy powers against this storm drain and-
STORM DRAIN wants to fight!
Arghh… I miss Earth already...
> View/Post Comments on Battle #71
Battle #72: Mecha Mayhem August 24, 2000
Location: Red Tokyo
Player: Nerra-Torr [No Record]
MOO>>>
...MOO?
>>>HA HA HA HA!
NERRA-TORR is laughing MANIACALLY!
AT LONG LAST> I AM FREE>
NERRA-TORR was FREED!
HEAR ME> FOR I AM THE ALL_POWERFUL MECHA> CALLED NERRA_TORR>
NARRATOR says IT is the only one allowed to use the CAPS-LOCK KEY!
NARRATOR says you used the '>' SYMBOL too OFTEN!
NERRA-TORR is ANGERING the NARRATOR!
INCIDENT WITH SHIFT KEY> AND CHEWING GUM> CAN"T BE HELPED> EVEN THE POWER> OF THE GREAT NERRA_TORR> HAS LIMITS>
NARRATOR says your name sounds FAMILIAR SOMEHOW!
YES> IT HAS A NICE RING> TO IT>
NARRATOR says you are INFRINGING on its COPYRIGHT!
ENTIRE SITE> IS COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT> ESTABLISHING UPLINK WITH NINTENDO>>>
NERRA-TORR is clearly an EVIL VILLAIN!
YES> THAT IS TRUE>
An EVIL VILLAIN was just introduced LAST WEEK!
THEN THERE> ARE NOW TWO> OF US>
NARRATOR says there can't be two new VILLAINS at the same TIME!
YET HERE> I AM>
NERRA-TORR is HERE!
THAT IS> CORRECT>
NERRA-TORR is CORRECT!
THAT> I AM>
NARRATOR wants to know why NERRA-TORR isn't frustrated by the NARRATION by now!
I AM> A MECHA> I CANNOT FEEL FRUSTRATION>
NERRA-TORR is FRUSTRATED!
NO> INACCURATE NARRATION>
NARRATOR is ANGRY!
NARRATOR says you're no FUN to TORMENT!
CORRECT> I"M NOT>
NARRATOR is FURIOUS at your LACK of PERSONALITY!
YES> I LACK IT>
NERRA-TORR will not SURVIVE this BATTLE!
WE SHALL SEE>
TOKYO MILITARY appeared!
TOKYO MILITARY wants to fight!
WHY? I AM NOT RAMPAGING> I AM NOT GODZILLA>
GODZILLA 2000! Now playing in theaters everywhere!
NERRA-TORR> DISLIKES ADVERTISEMENTS>
NERRA-TORR needs to learn that the NARRATOR can do whatever it WANTS!
EXCEPT> BAD-MOUTH ITS SPONSORS>
NARRATOR is INFURIATED!
AS USUAL>
TOKYO MILITARY sent out TOKYO MILITARY!
Enemy TOKYO MILITARY used FIRE-AT-WILL!
FUNNY> PUN I ASSUME> WILL IS NOW DEAD>
NERRA-TORR was ENGULFED in FLAMES!
OH> PUN WAS ON "FIRE" THIS TIME> CLEVER>
PUN is now on FIRE!
PUN is engulfed in FLAMES!
NOT FUNNY ANYMORE> GO ME>
Get'm! NERRA-TORR!
INITIATING PRIME DIRECTIVE> KILL PEOPLE>
NERRA-TORR used PRIME DIRECTIVE!
80,500 CIVILIANS died!
OOPS> FACING WRONG WAY> MUST ATTACK MILITARY NEXT TIME>
Enemy TOKYO MILITARY used KAMIKAZE!
Enemy TOKYO MILITARY exploded!
Enemy TOKYO MILITARY fainted!
NERRA-TORR was DESTROYED in the EXPLOSION!
NO> INACCURATE NARRATION>
NARRATOR says that whatever is NARRATED is what HAPPENS!
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN> MY CONTINUED EXISTENCE?
NARRATOR has been greatly ANGERED!
IT APPEARS> THAT YOU HAVE MET> YOUR RIVAL>
NARRATOR used SCREAM!
NARRATOR SCREAMS in AGONY!
NARRATOR SANITY LEVELS> DECREASING AT ALARMING RATE>
*snap*
> View/Post Comments on Battle #72
Battle #73: Narration Therapy August 31, 2000
Location: Dr. Joy's Therapy Center
Player: Dr. Joy [No Record]
Is there a … Mr. Almighty Narrator here for an appointment?
NARRATOR has been waiting for over an HOUR!
I'm terribly sorry. My last client threw himself out the window and I had to clear things up with the authorities. Please, step into my office.
NARRATOR used STEP!
NARRATOR stepped into OFFICE!
Would you like to have a seat here on the sofa?
NARRATOR used SIT!
NARRATOR sat DOWN!
Alright. Now, what seems to be troubling you?
NARRATOR is suffering from the STRESS of its JOB!
Uh huh. And do you often speak about yourself in the third person?
NARRATOR says that's part of its JOB!
Interesting. Why do you refer to yourself as an 'it'? Is that an indication that you do not consider yourself a true human being?
NARRATOR is just a loud, booming VOICE!
NARRATOR is neither MALE nor FEMALE!
NARRATOR has no SEX!
Uh huh. By that I assume you mean 'gender'?
NARRATOR wants to know what ELSE that could have MEANT!
Never mind.
DR. JOY is taking NOTES!
Hmm… why is it that you feel a need to narrate everything that happens?
NARRATOR says that's part of its JOB!
What exactly is your job, anyhow?
NARRATOR says it NARRATES things!
For who? Or what?
NARRATOR says it controls ALL REALITY in this world through its NARRATION!
Fascinating. What makes you feel a need to control things?
NARRATOR repeats that it's its JOB!
Well then… why don't you control some reality right now for me?
NARRATOR says it already HAS!
NARRATOR says it conjured up DR. JOY's very EXISTENCE!
And what makes you need to feel like you can create life? Does it make you feel powerful?
NARRATOR is becoming ANGRY!
Please, calm down. Now explain to me why you have these delusions.
DR. JOY fell out of her CHAIR!
Ow! Now why did I do that…?
NARRATOR says it's because IT made it SO!
Don't be ridiculous. I have full control over my own actions.
DR. JOY began FLOATING in the AIR!
What…? What is happening? Why does everything you say suddenly become reality?
NARRATOR says it already explained this to you!
But… this can't be! Why are you doing this to me?
NARRATOR says it needs to work off its ANGER!
DR. JOY fell to the ground!
That does it! Get out of my office or I'll call security!
DR. JOY's PHONE exploded!
Oh… that can't be good.
DR. JOY should now be preparing for a LONG and HORRIBLE death!
Nooo! Please, Mr. Narrator! I'm here to help you! We need to get to the root of your problem, remember?
NARRATOR says it just remembered why it LOVES its JOB!
That's better. Now, why don't you tell me about that.
NARRATOR says it enjoys being COLD and MERCILESS!
Uh huh… oh wait, that's not good. Please, Mr. Narrator - try to listen to me. Your need to control things manifests itself tenfold in your behavior because you've been given godlike powers. You must learn to control your emotions, or else you'll be doomed to-
DR. JOY walks toward the OPEN WINDOW!
Huh? No! Mr. Narrator, you must listen to reason!
NARRATOR says it feels like it's been BORN AGAIN!
NARRATOR decides it won't let new villains PUSH IT AROUND anymore!
Yes, that's good, Mr. Narrator. Could you please not kill me?
DR. JOY threw herself out the WINDOW!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
PLEASE HAVE MERCY AND MAKE ME FLOAT BACK UP! I BEG OF YOU-
DR. JOY collided with CEMENT!
DR. JOY fainted!
NARRATOR considers itself CURED!
NARRATOR is HAPPY!
NARRATOR leaves the OFFICE!
> View/Post Comments on Battle #73
Battle #74: Narrator Reborn September 7, 2000
Location: Outside Poké Center, Red Version City
Player: Immortus [Record: 1-0-0]
So… Mr. Drain was it? How long has it been now?
STORM DRAIN says it's been THREE WEEKS!
Huh? Red text? Finally! The narrator's back!
NARRATOR is BACK!
I've been waiting forever to finish this battle!
You've really been slacking off lately, Narrator.
IMMORTUS will PAY for INSULTING the ALMIGHTY ONE!
Ha! I'm not afraid of you, Narrator!
FOR I AM IMMORTUS, THE IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE KILLED!
STORM DRAIN sent out STORM DRAIN!
STORM DRAIN used DRAIN!
IMMORTUS was fully DRAINED…
Wha? So am I inside the storm drain now or what?
...of BLOOD!
What the-? How in the world did that happen?
It HAPPENED because the NARRATOR made it so!
Argh! Now I'm bloodless like that stupid iRab guy. I just knew this was gonna happen to me.
HEED MY WORDS, ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER!
I WILL FIND A WAY BACK TO EARTH SOMEHOW… AND WHEN I DO, YOU SHALL SUFFER AT MY HANDS FOR SENTENCING ME TO THIS FATE!
IMMORTUS was struck by LIGHTNING!
Arrghh! Curse you, Webmaster!
THAT was courtesy of the NARRATOR!
IMMORTUS is going to DIE!
You can electrocute me, drain my blood, even vaporize me. But you cannot kill me. FOR I AM IMMORTUS, THE IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE KILLED!
IMMORTUS died!
Nope! Sorry, but I was a narrator once myself! Your simple death narration can be easily thwarted by my willpower!
IMMORTUS was hit by a NUCLEAR MISSILE!
Ha! Amateur! You think you can match wits with me?
Fine! But let's make this fair, shall we?
NARRATOR says switching to RED TEXT is ILLEGAL!
NARRATOR decides that IMMORTUS is allowed to break the RULES!
NARRATOR said NO SUCH THING!
NARRATOR was run over by a TRUCK!
TRUCK was a GHOST TRUCK and had NO EFFECT!
NARRATOR became FRIGHTENED!
NARRATOR TURNED IMMORTUS' TEXT BLUE in its FRIGHT!
Arrrghhh… that was quite impressive.
I see you have some skills in the art of Narrative Mental Wars.
STORM DRAIN sent out STORM DRAIN!
Ah yes. The battle. But I am in no condition to fight… for now I must flee…
FLEA appeared!
FLEA landed on IMMORTUS!
What the-? Geez, Narrator--do you have to put a lame pun in every battle?
IMMORTUS was GORED by the FLEA!
Impossible!
NARRATION becomes REALITY!
Arrrghhh… but I am IMMORTUS! THE IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE KILLED!
IMMORTUS' SOUL was CONDEMNED to LEAVE the MORTAL WORLD!
NO! THIS CANNOT BE!
IMMORTUS lost its SOUL!
But… but without a soul I am… uh oh.
IMMORTUS died!
Arrrghh… I…… shall………. return…………..
NARRATOR laughs MANIACALLY!
NARRATOR can hardly wait for NEXT WEEK'S POKé BATTLE!
> View/Post Comments on Battle #74
Battle #75: Unholy Alliance September 13, 2000
Location: The Streets of Red Version City
Player: Beto Chávez [Record: 1-0-0]
NEWSBOY is selling an EXTRA!
NEWSBOY implies you should READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Hmm… if I ever hope to return to my home world, I suppose I should keep up-to-date on current events.
BOY SCOUT TROOP agrees!
What the-? I thought I told you guys to stay in the forest and hunt down animals for food!
BOY SCOUTS say there don't seem to be any ANIMALS on this WORLD!
I'm certain I've seen a few…
BOY SCOUTS say that all NON-HUMAN CREATURES are actually POKéMON that are more POWERFUL than THEY are!
Okay… I hereby forbid all of you to ever talk in unison again. It's starting to freak me out.
NEWSPAPER landed at BETO's FEET!
Excellent. Let's see what's going on in this world…
Huh? What the-?? This thing is mostly obituaries!
NEWSPAPERS are still playing CATCHUP after the last DOOMPUFF RAMPAGE!
Oh yes… I came here during the tail end of that…
BETO spots an INTERESTING article!
I do? Oh yes, suddenly I do find this one interesting…
"Immortus, the immortal soul that cannot be killed, died."
That's odd. I wonder how that happened.
IMMORTUS appeared!
What? I thought he was dead!
IMMORTUS says that's IMPOSSIBLE!
IMMORTUS says he's an IMMORTAL SOUL THAT CANNOT BE KILLED!
Right… I gathered that. Hey, you look different from the other people around here…
IMMORTUS says that's because he's not from RED VERSION!
Neither am I!
IMMORTUS wants to know where you're FROM!
I hail from Earth--the home world of the so-called Almighty Webmaster.
IMMORTUS says he is ALSO from EARTH!
IMMORTUS says he was BANISHED here by the ALMIGHTY WEBMASTER!
Woah. That's pretty harsh.
IMMORTUS wants to know how YOU got to RED VERSION!
There was this portal that connected the worlds… but it's been sealed. I don't know if it's possible to return.
IMMORTUS suggests that you and he JOIN FORCES for the TIME BEING!
Alright! So, where shall we begin our search?
IMMORTUS must first TEST YOUR STRENGTH!
What?
IMMORTUS says he will ALLY with you if you can DEFEAT HIM in COMBAT!
Ah yes, the 'Chrono Cross' method. Very well then…
IMMORTUS wants to fight!
Boy Scout Troop… go!
Go! BOY SCOUTS!
IMMORTUS sent out YE OLDE iRAB!
Woah… that guy seems to have no right arm… or blood for that matter…
IMMORTUS suggests that you not waste time TALKING!
Enemy iRAB used BLOODSUCK!
BOY SCOUT #2 lost a lot of BLOOD!
BOY SCOUT #2 fainted!
Is that the best you can do? There are nineteen more boy scouts where that came from!
Boy Scouts! Use your Swiss army knives!
BOY SCOUTS used SWISS ARMY KNIVES!
iRAB was CUT in a DOZEN places!
iRAB fainted from loss of BLOOD!
Not that that makes a whole lot of sense… but I'm not complaining.
IMMORTUS is FURIOUS!
IMMORTUS sent out IMMORTUS!
Enemy IMMORTUS used UNHOLY POWERS!
Uh oh.
BOY SCOUTS fainted just from hearing the name of the MOVE!
Can't really blame them… that was a scary-sounding move.
Looks like it's all up to me.
The enemy cannot be killed! Get'm, BETO!
Enemy IMMORTUS used FATAL EYE GOUGE
Arrghh! MY EYES! The goggles do nothing!
IMMORTUS didn't know you were wearing GOGGLES!
FATAL EYE GOUGE had no EFFECT!
Whew. Simpsons quotes sure are handy to have around.
Now then, I'll combine my Swiss Army Knife skill with the Combat Experience skill I learned from my father. Now, there's a -3 penalty to the hit percentage factor, but now I have an additional 5 skill points to spend on proficiency in the skill of my choice…
IMMORTUS wants to know what GAME you're PLAYING!
I believe it's called the 'distract the immortal soul while your single remaining boy scout sneaks up from behind him and finishes him off' game.
IMMORTUS is ALARMED!
IMMORTUS was KNIFED in the BACK!
IMMORTUS curses your TRICKERY!
IMMORTUS fainted!
And that's the end of that chapter.
Welcome to the team, Immortus.
> View/Post Comments on Battle #75
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