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Homecoming
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #101: Honorable Intentions March 14, 2001
Location: Large Steel Cage of Holding
Player: John Movius [No Record]
Matt Beswick's Rating: 4.7014
NARRATOR used GROAN!
NARRATOR sees that a NEW CHARACTER is being INTRODUCED!
NARRATOR hopes that THIS isn't another OVERLY CONFIDENT KNOW-IT-ALL CHARACTER who THINKS he's SUPER STRONG and INTRODUCES himself in an OVERLY SELF-ASSURED way!
Hear me! For I am The Movius. Nothing can defeat me.
NARRATOR screams in AGONY!
...far be it from me to question the circumstances which hath placed me here, but… just wherefore is it that I hath been placed in a Large Steel Cage of Holding?
PROBABLY to keep you from BREAKING OUT and WREAKING HAVOC!
Understood. But you would understand my predicament, such that it could not be supposed that I would not be predisposed to removing mine own self from such inhospitable surroundings.
WHAT in the name of KASPAROV was THAT supposed to MEAN??
Observe.
MOVIUS used PUNCH!
LARGE STEEL CAGE OF HOLDING was renamed LARGE STEEL CAGE WITH HOLE!
MOVIUS stepped out of the HOLE!
Location: Red Canyon
Ah, once again the sun's warm embrace doth envelope my soul. A happier man thou shalt never find me.
NARRATOR does not like HAPPINESS or OBSCURE LANGUAGE!
SUN PLUMMETED from the SKY!
SKY became PITCH BLACK!
Ah, so Night's dark cloak hath been cast once more upon this world. So much the better, for mine eyes had some measure of difficulty in ascertaining the light, having been encased within darkness previously.
...HUH?
A caution now, gentle Narrator, that thou dost not injure thineself in thy confused state.
NARRATOR isn't sure how MUCH MORE of this it can TAKE!
Mayhap thou wilt show a greater measure of mercy toward thine subjects, having tasted to a small degree what it is to be subjected to torment.
NARRATOR would RATHER introduce YOU to the PAIN it is CAPABLE of INFLICTING!
The Movius can not feel pain.
THAT'S what IMMORTUS said!
And he now enjoys the position of Almighty Webmaster. A look, kind Narrator, at what he didst accomplish.
...HOW did you KNOW that?
I knowest many things, kind Narrator.
NARRATOR doesn't WANT to be known as KIND!
YOU must experience TRUE TERROR!
The Movius can not feel terror.
YOU shall SOON eat your WORDS!
I canst not imagine what the Narrator could seek to--
MIDGYOTO appeared!
…
MIDGYOTO: hehe, lol
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
NARRATOR takes IMMENSE JOY in that SCREAM!
….apologies for such a primitive outburst. I know not what possessed me, except…
MIDGYOTO: son of an onion!
GAAAAAH!!!!
NARRATOR is LAUGHING MANIACALLY!
HEHE! LOL!
...never in mine time on this world have I beheld a creature of such immense evil. It seems to possess a darkness that can only be described as… as…
AOL?
Indeed, such a term doth fit this case well.
MIDGYOTO calls you a SON OF AN ONION!
The sun of the onion has long set, brave Midgyoto. Thy time here canst last no longer.
MIDGYOTO wants to fight!
A duel of honor it shall be, then.
MIDGYOTO sent out MIDGYOTO!
Myself, I shalt rely on the strength of my courage and the wit of mine intellect.
….?
*sigh* … Go'eth, me.
Go! MOVIUS!
Mine name is The Movius. Here now doth we stand, in preparation for our duel of honor. Should'st thou accept the terms of--
Enemy MIDGYOTO used EYE GOUGE!
MOVIUS' ACCURACY greatly fell!
What dishonor is this--!?
MIDGYOTO: hehe, lol
For such a trespass against my honor, I shalt avenge mine own lost capacity. For now, mine time has--
Enemy MIDGYOTO used KNEE-KICK!
MOVIUS was kicked in the KNEE!
GRAAARRRGHHH!!
Enemy MIDGYOTO is GIGGLING MANIACALLY!
NARRATOR is WATCHING and GRINNING!
Such… evil I hath never encountered!
NARRATOR points out that MOVIUS has REALLY only EXISTED for a FEW MINUTES!
'Tis an observation of some measurable amount of merit. Mayhap my impression of honorable combat hath no experience to--
Enemy MIDGYOTO used ONION TOSS!
MOVIUS was HIT in the HEAD by SEVERAL LARGE ONIONS!
Ugghh… this encounter hath not been in mine favor…
MOVIUS is in critical condition!
This…. Must… be… AVENGED!
MOVIUS began to GLOW!
MOVIUS was renamed JOHN MOVIUS!
FACE MY WRATH, SPAWN OF THE UNDERWORLD!
MIDGYOTO: hehe, lol. ur stupid
MOVIUS BLADE!
JOHN MOVIUS used BLADE!
Enemy MIDGYOTO was STABBED by MOVIUS' SWORD!
MOVIUS GRAB!
JOHN MOVIUS used GRAB!
Enemy MIDGYOTO was GRABBED!
Enemy MIDGYOTO used SPIT!
Enemy MIDGYOTO SPIT in MOVIUS' FACE!
….BIG MISTAKE.
MOVIUS WING!
JOHN MOVIUS flew up high!
...while GRABBING MIDGYOTO!
EVIL WRETCH. I SHALL SHOW YOU TRUE PAIN!
MIDGYOTO: hehe, lol u r too weak
Enemy MIDGYOTO used EYE GOUGE!
JOHN MOVIUS' ACCURACY greatly fell!
AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!
MOVIUS SMASH!
JOHN MOVIUS used SMASH!
Enemy MIDGYOTO was SMASHED into the GROUND!
Enemy MIDGYOTO fainted!
MOVIUS RAAAAAAAARRRR!!!!
NARRATOR is now VERY AFRAID of JOHN MOVIUS!
MOVIUS THROW!
JOHN MOVIUS used THROW!
MIDGYOTO was THROWN into LARGE STEEL CAGE WITH HOLE!
MOVIUS SEAL!
JOHN MOVIUS used SEAL!
LARGE STEEL CAGE WITH HOLE was renamed LARGE STEEL CAGE OF HOLDING!
…...IT IS DONE.
JOHN MOVIUS stopped GLOWING!
JOHN MOVIUS was renamed MOVIUS!
*huff, puff*… such exertions do little to ease my nerves. But sometimes, such measures must be taken.
….
You caught MIDGYOTO!
Mayhap I did. Or mayhap I shall send this Large Steel Cage of Holding into the bottom of the Atlantic Milk Ocean.
The CHOICE is YOURS!
...the Movius doth not like such clichéd sayings.
NARRATOR apologizes!
Whether 'tis nobler for thee to admit defeat, or to attempt further mischief; it matters not to me. I now shall search for a place of which to dispose of this… spawn of AOL.
MOVIUS lifts the LARGE STEEL CAGE OF HOLDING!
MOVIUS walks off into the SUNSET!
...I didst think it was nighttime.
IT is WHATEVER NARRATOR SAYS it IS!
WHAT must NARRATOR GO THROUGH to END a FRICKIN' BATTLE with STYLE!
I sense frustration within thee. Mayhap--
Shut UP!
Perchance I could--
FINE! DO what you WANT!
MOVIUS END!
BATTLE ENDED!
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #101
Battle #102: Power Play March 27, 2001
Location: Red California
Player: Gray Davis [No Record]
Matt Beswick's Rating: 5.96
HAHA! Do you know who I am?
...GRAY DAVIS?
YES! I am the most powerful person in this land!
CARE to EXPLAIN what you MEAN by THAT?
This here is Red California - and I, its mayor, hold the office of Governor here. Yes, within the borders of California, I HOLD ABSOLUTE POWER!
POWER OUTAGE occurred!
Ahh, the 'ol 3:00 power outage, right on schedule.
NARRATOR wonders why a GOVERNOR with ABSOLUTE POWER has no POWER!
Because the NARRATOR has been messing with Red California's power the last few months!
NARRATOR just GOT HERE!
Oh, PLEASE… you think a huge problem like this could have occurred on its own?? I wish I lived on Earth… they don't have narrators there to mess everything up.
NARRATOR points out that THIS PROBLEM is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!
...you're just trying to further your political concerns.
NARRATOR is a DISEMBODIED VOICE!
WHY would NARRATOR care about POLITICS?
I don't know… but you're up to something. I can sense it.
Of COURSE NARRATOR is UP to SOMETHING!
NARRATOR is the NARRATOR!
Aha! I knew it!
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN appeared!
Aww man… I am so sick of that guy!
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN says you MAY remember him from such places as STARBUCKS and the 2000 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES!
Yes, yes I know. What do you want?
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN wants POWER!
Oh, so you wish to unseat me as governor? Pitiful weakling. Well, if it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get!
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN says YOU don't UNDERSTAND!
Understand this, you conspiring weakling!
GRAY DAVIS used ASSAULT AND BATTERY!
...well, that's a rather incriminating way of phrasing it.
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN was PUNCHED in the NOSE!
That should teach you to mess with Red Version Politics!
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN says that HE was only ASKING you to RESTORE POWER to the CITY!
Oh, so now you want the whole city to hold political office? Are you mad??
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN says YOU aren't LISTENING to HIM!
And why should I? Taste this, traitor!
GRAY DAVIS used DRUGS!
Umm.. You might want to clarify that I am just drugging this guy to knock him unconscious…
CLARIFICATION is NOT NARRATOR's JOB!
MEDIA appeared!
Brilliant timing as always…
MEDIA reports that GRAY DAVIS used DRUGS!
That is a lie. I never used drugs; not once.
MEDIA asks if you that means you used DRUGS more than ONCE!
I believe I already responded to that question. Now, if you will please just drop the matter...
MEDIA claims FREEDOM of the PRESS!
What does that have to do with…
MEDIA begins to PRESS you for DETAILS!
...WHY?
MEDIA wants to know where it can SCORE some of the GOOD STUFF!
Oh, I'll give you a phone number where you can--
MEDIA says AHA!
MEDIA tricked you into ADMITTING it!
*Sigh* … and I was just talking about my pharmacist…
MEDIA begins its CRISIS IN CALIFORNIA: THE DAVIS SCANDAL SPECIAL REPORT!
Would you mind not reporting from my office?
...unless you want to fight me for it, of course.
MEDIA ran away!
Whew.. I thought I'd never get rid of--
RALPH NADER appeared!
Ralph Nader? That third-party candidate from the 2000 Presidential Election?
NADER thanks you for the INTRO!
Didn't you die off with the destruction of the Old World, though?
NADER says he didn't EXIST in the OLD WORLD!
Oh. No wonder you lost the election.
NADER points out that THREE PERCENT of the VOTE is pretty GOOD for someone who doesn't EXIST!
...point.
NADER continues to STAND there!
Umm.. Is there something you wanted?
NADER wants POWER!
Hey, the will of the people has spoken! Who are you to try to seize power now?
NADER says you don't UNDERSTAND!
I understand alright… I understand that you want to usurp the throne-- err, governorship.
NADER gives UP!
NADER storms out of the OFFICE!
Uhh.. The door was over there…
NADER crashes through DOOR!
That wasn't a door…
DOOR was renamed WINDOW!
Uh oh.
NADER fell to his DEATH!
Great. The Media is going to have a field day with this one.
LARGE SPLAT is heard from OUTSIDE!
*Sigh* … well, at least I'm finally alone…
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN is still THERE!
*sob* … kill me…
WINDOWS ME!
Now available at computer stores everywhere!
...ditto on the last thing I said.
Where do you want to go today?
To my grave. Goodbye.
You jumped out of WINDOW!
...WINDOWS ME! Now available at computer stores everywhere!
Can't you at least say something inspiring before I hit the pavement?
YOU are going to DIE!
...I guess that was inspiring, considering that I want to die, after a--
SPLAT!
You died!
Ahh.. .death - this isn't bad at all.
POWER to the STATE is INSTANTLY RESTORED!
CRIME RATE dropped to nearly ZERO!
RAINBOWS appeared!
HARMONY appeared!
Uhhh… that's ludicrous--how could everything become so perfect without a governor?
AVERAGE JOE AMERICAN is now running the GOVERNMENT!
...may Immortus have mercy on us all.
GOVERNMENT was renamed ANARCHY!
I'm so glad I'm dead.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #102
Battle #103: Doompuff Worshippers April 4, 2001
Location: The Lawson Residence
Player: Chad Lawson [No Record]
Matt Beswick's Rating: 5.45
NICK ARATON appeared!
Yay! My good buddy Nick is here!
NICK asks WASSUP?
RSACi clouds - lots of 'em. Better come inside.
NICK wants to know why you ASKED him to come OVER!
'cause I got this kewl-lookin' new Anime. Wanna go watch it?
NICK wants to know what it's CALLED!
Jigglypuff the Magic Dragon.
NICK is APPALLED!
NICK says that SOUNDS pretty LAME!
Naw, I was on the Internet and some guy told me it was kewl.
NICK reasons that if it's ON the INTERNET, it MUST be TRUE!
NICK reluctantly AGREES to watch the ANIME!
Yay!
CHAD put the DISC in the DVD PLAYER!
CHAD pressed PLAY!
THEME SONG began!
Jigglypuff, the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea…
CHAD says THIS looks pretty LAME already!
Shhh! There's more!
And frolicked in the autumn mist, 'till it went on a killing spree…
CHAD says THIS is more LIKE IT!
..woah--even I didn't see that coming.
James from Team Rocket, loved that rascal Puff…
And trained him even though it devolved, into a Zigglyguff, O..
NICK says this is the best ANIME he has ever SEEN!
Told ya. And this is just the intro.
Then one day it happened, it evolved into Doompuff…
People died, and then James cried, 'cause he wasn't very tough…
SCREEN beings to DISPLAY IMMENSE AMOUNTS of BLOOD and GORE!
GORE begins to EXPLAIN why HE really WON the ELECTION!
AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
GORE is suddenly DISEMBOWELED by DOOMPUFF!
CHAD is on the EDGE of his SEAT!
This Anime is AWESOME!
CHAD'S MOM appeared!
CHAD'S MOM is SHOCKED to see NOTHING BUT RED, OOZING STUFF on the SCREEN!
Aww, c'mon Mom… that's just the narration…
WHAT did MOM tell you about BLAMING EVERYTHING on the NARRATOR?
AL GORE's MANGLED HEAD appeared on the SCREEN!
Mom, don't get so upset. It's just a Doompuff Anime...
MOM is SHOCKED!
MOM says that THIS is a GOOD WEBMASTARIAN HOME!
YOU should NOT bring your DEVIL-WORSHIP HERE!
But why not??
MOM says it will DESENSITIZE YOU to VIOLENCE!
THAT'S NOT TRUE!
Ally NICK used DISEMBOWEL!
MOM was DISEMBOWELED!
Oh, thanx buddy.
NICK says don't MENTION IT!
Hey, whaddaya say we go start our own cult?
NICK says THAT is a GREAT IDEA!
...right after we finish watching this Anime.
Location: Anime
BOB appeared!
BOB was DISEMBOWELED by DOOMPUFF!
JOE appeared!
JOE was DISEMBOWELED by DOOMPUFF!
KASPAROV appeared!
KASPAROV was DISEMBOWELED by DOOMPUFF!
ANOTHER POOR SCHMUCK appeared!
ANOTHER POOR SCHMUCK was DISEMBOWELED by DOOMPUFF!
Location: The Lawson Residence
...y'know, this is getting kind of repetitive.
NICK agrees!
How much longer do you think we need to watch to ensure that CrimsonKing will say this battle sucks?
NICK says THAT should be PLENTY!
Okay then. How about we go form that cult now?
CHAD AND NICK used GO!
CHAD AND NICK went OUTSIDE!
WEBMASTARIAN appeared!
Uhh… what are you doing in front of my house?
WEBMASTARIAN heard that YOU plan on starting a DOOMPUFF WORSHIP CULT!
...how did you hear that?
WEBMASTARIAN says THAT is CLASSIFIED INFORMATION!
WEBMASTARIAN says that YOU must be STOPPED!
We'll see about that! I've learned a few things from Doompuff!
Enemy WEBMASTARIAN wants to fight!
Ally NICK wants to fight!
Haha! Two against one, Webmastarian scum!
WEBMASTARIAN is TAKEN ABACK by that CLEVER RHYME!
WEBMASTARIAN used SPIRIT WING!
WEBMASTARIAN flew away!
Okay, now for DISEMBOW--- err, what the-?
You win!
That was sucky.
NICK is ALSO disappointed!
Hmm…
CHAD and NICK are just STANDING THERE!
Well, we have our cult.
NICK nods!
…
CHAD and NICK look at the sky!
That battle sure did fizzle out, eh?
BATTLE is still GOING!
...even worse.
CHAD scratches the BACK of his NECK!
Hey, you wanna go find people to convert on IRC?
NICK agrees!
We can go leave some negative feedback on Pokebattles.com's latest battle, too…
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #103
Battle #104: Untitled April 8, 2001
Location: Webmastarian HQ
Player: Warren the Cult Leader [Record: 1-0-0]
Matt Beswick's Rating: 4.3
Uhh.. Hey Narrator - you there?
NARRATOR always IS!
Battle title is.. Untitled? You asleep on the job?
NO!
NARRATOR is WIDE AWAKE!
Ooookaay… and you do realize that the Webmastarian Religion is on longer considered a cult, right?
NARRATOR knows!
So… why am I still called 'Warren the Cult Leader'?
THAT is part of your NAME!
YOU have to APPLY for a NAME CHANGE to get it FIXED!
FINE. I'm applying for a name change.
NARRATOR says it's NOT that SIMPLE!
NARRATOR changes BATTLE TITLE!
Battle #104: The Great Name Change Adventure
April 8, 2001
It never is. Let me guess, I have to traverse great distances and then do battle with some very powerful monster, then gain an item from it somehow and visit an old man who can change my name. Oh, and finding the man will probably entail many other sub-quests…
…
I'm right, aren't I?
NARRATOR changes BATTLE TITLE!
Battle #104: Untitled April 8, 2001
...ACTUALLY, ALL you have to DO is talk the NARRATOR into changing your NAME!
That's even worse.
NARRATOR is becoming TIRED of ALWAYS being PORTRAYED as the BAD GUY!
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DOES ALL THE 'PORTRAYING' AROUND HERE!
...YOU have an INTERESTING point!
And by the way, aren't you getting sick of doing battles the same way every week?
NARRATOR wants to know WHAT you MEAN!
Well… it just seems to me like every battle opens with an argument with the narrator, followed by someone appearing, followed by a battle. Isn't it all getting kind of.. Old?
CHESTER from EVIL INCORPORATED appeared!
...you suck, Narrator.
CHESTER wants to--
Yeah, yeah - go, Webmastarian. *yawn*
--resolve matters with DIPLOMACY!
What the-? Woah, something unique for a change?
What kind of diplomacy did you have in mind…?
NARRATOR changes BATTLE TITLE!
Battle #104: Violent Diplomacy April 8, 2001
...you really suck, Narrator.
YOU must ADMIT THAT is a CLEVER NAME for a BATTLE!
Whatever. So what is it you wanted, Chester?
CHESTER wants to fight!
No, I mean other than that.
What ELSE could CHESTER possibly WANT?
Uh.. Surely you must have some reason why you want to fight me.
Enemy CHESTER is your RIVAL!
THEREFORE, he wants to FIGHT you!
But… why? What does that gain you?
IT gains CHESTER EXPERIENCE!
Hey pal .. I hate to break it to you, but this isn't a video game.
CHESTER says this IS a VIDEO GAME!
You lie! Though I have wondered why the trees are two dimensional…
CHESTER informs you that HE has allied with the DOOMPUFF WORSHIPPERS and will SOON wage ALL-OUT WAR against the WEBMASTARIANS!
Doompuff Worshippers?? Are you INSANE!?
CHESTER says the TIME for TALKING has PASSED!
Aww, we coulda gone another 10 lines, easy.
CHESTER sent out DIPLOMAT!
Makes sense. I suppose I'll send out.. A Webmastarian!
WEBMASTARIAN wishes to SPEAK with you about your TREATMENT of HIM as a TRAINED ATTACK ANIMAL!
...just shut up and fight, if you want to get fed today.
CHESTER is TAKEN ABACK!
Please tell me he lost HP from that.
CHESTER says THAT is quite EVIL of YOU!
Aww, c'mon - if there's one thing that the Webmastarian Religion has taught me, it's that using others as fighting slaves to further one's own ambitions is perfectly acceptable.
Enemy DIPLOMAT used DIP!
WEBMASTARIAN was DIPPED in a MAT!
...do you even bother to find puns that make sense anymore, Narrator?
NARRATOR made CENTS!
NARRATOR is a FEW PENNIES RICHER!
*groan*
THAT sounded like a GROAN of LOST HP!
Um?
WARREN is in critical condition!
Yes, I am in a critical condition, because I am spending the majority of my time criticizing you.
NARRATOR BLINKS!
Aha, you're not the only one who can do puns.
NARRATOR is the ONLY ONE who can do PUNS and live to TELL about IT!
Eep.
Umm… Webmastarian, attack!
WEBMASTARIAN is HELPLESS!
WEBMASTARIAN is STILL being DIPPED in the MAT!
Worst. Battle. Ever.
CHESTER laughs MANIACALLY!
CHESTER prepares to FINISH you OFF!
That which does not kill me, will only make me stronger.
CHESTER will have to make SURE to KILL YOU, then!
Ah, so I am to be a martyr. Very well then - but the Webmastarians will live on regardless.
CHESTER begins to APPROACH!
TIME MACHINE begins to APPEAR!
...there's something you don't see every day.
CHESTER stares at the SWIRLING COLORS!
So… where'd this thing come from?
IT isn't even HERE YET!
TIME MACHINE is APPEARING very SLOWLY!
...OF COURSE! BOB AND BUTCH!
How could I have forgotten??
CHESTER wants to know what you're TALKING about!
You haven't done your research, Chester! We are about to be visited by prophets from the Old World!
THIS is a VERY DRAMATIC SITUATION!
It is!
THERE is only ONE THING that NARRATOR can DO!
What's that…?
TO be CONTINUED next WEEK in an ALL-NEW POKé BATTLE!
...you suck, narrator.
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #104
Two Year Anniversary Battle:
Battle #105: Time Trauma April 14, 2001
Location: Webmastarian HQ
Player: Butch Urrh [Record: 0-2-1]
Matt Beswick's Rating: 6.00
IS IT APRIL 14 YET?? URRRH!
YES! The DATE is now APRIL 14!
The TIME is 00:01!
The INTERNAL TEMPERATURE is 85 DEGREES!
The EXTERNAL TEMPERATURE is 59 DEGREES!
The BAROMETRIC PRESSURE is--
URRRRRRRH!!!
I need to use a restroom, BADLY!
I don't wanna embarrass myself like Bob did!!!
BOB is WEEPING BITTERLY in his CORNER of the TIME MACHINE!
Let me OUT of here!
TIME MACHINE is VERY SLOWLY warping IN!
Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhh….
TIME MACHINE appeared!
BUTCH ran outside!
SOUNDS of IMMENSE RELIEF are heard OUTSIDE!
SOUNDS of PEOPLE SCREAMING and RUNNING AWAY are heard OUTSIDE!
NARRATOR decides to MOVE OUTSIDE to rejoin BUTCH URRH!
NARRATOR FACEFAULTS!
NARRATOR acted too SOON!
NARRATOR retreats to the INSIDE of the TIME MACHINE!
NARRATOR just FLOATS there for SEVERAL MINUTES!
NARRATOR EMERGES!
Hmm? Ohh, there you are Narrator - bizarre how reality just stops when you're nowhere nearby.
...but what were all those people doing here in the middle of the night??
BOB appeared!
BOB suggests that THEY were a WELCOMING PARTY!
Possibly… now then, let's see…
BOB and BUTCH look AROUND!
BOB: Um… where are we?
I dunno… what's happened to Red Version??
BOB notes that EVERYTHING seems DIFFERENT SOMEHOW!
BUTCH hears something CRUNCH under his FEET!
Urrh, I think I just stepped on a Pokémon.
BUTCH used MS POKéDEX!
MS POKéDEX: LIFE CEREAL. This Pokémon is kid-tested, mother approved. Enemies: Death (Deceased), Mikey (Won't be Living For Long if Microsoft Corporation has Anything to Say About I-- this program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut downÆ£EÁ#######185681
This is butched. Why in the name of Webmaster would there be Life Cereal all over the ground??
BOB supposes that the WELCOMING party must have brought FOOD!
But… look, even in the darkness I can see this stuff stretched out into the distance for miles… what is going on?? URRH!
WARREN THE CULT LEADER appeared!
WEBMASTARIAN appeared!
Oh, two of 'em are back… uhh.. we come in peace.
WARREN THE CULT LEADER drops to his KNEES and BOWS to you!
WEBMASTARIAN drops to his KNEES and BOWS to you!
WTF??
BOB echoes your STATEMENT in NON-ACRONYM FORM!
CHESTER from EVIL INCORPORATED appeared!
WHAT is Evil Incorporated?? THIS IS BUTCHED!
Someone please say something that makes sense!
WARREN: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN !!
WEBMASTARIAN: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
CHESTER: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME!
What the-???
If just one more thing happens that makes no sense, I am going to yell 'GAAAH' very loudly!
JOHN MOVIUS appeared with a LARGE STEEL CAGE OF HOLDING strapped to his BACK!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
JOHN MOVIUS begins to APPROACH you!
Maybe all this isn't really evil, though… I mean, there isn't any Doompuff, is there?
DOOMPUFF appeared!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
^ WORSHIPPER…. DOOMPUFF WORSHIPPER appeared!
URRRH! MY HEART STOPPED, YOU SOULLESS NARRATOR!
Hey, even NARRATOR makes MISTAKES SOMETIMES!
That is so… butched.
BOB suggests making a RUN back to the TIME MACHINE!
Uhhhh… yes, Red Version has taken a turn for the demonic.
MOVIUS wants to fight!
!!!
I can't resist…
BOB tries to PULL you AWAY!
BOB says your LIFE isn't WORTH IT!
I only get to fight one battle a year… I can't squander my chance…
BOB sighs BITTERLY and decides to JOIN you!
WARREN and CHESTER back AWAY to see what HAPPENS!
So… Movius… uhhh… are you perchance sane?
MOVIUS: Perchance I should speak it; prior I shalt make an examination of thy skills such that thy true nature may be revealed; the staging of the play forthright may in sooth fool the eye whilst the true acts play out unobserved. 'Tis requested of me to impart such an examination.
I wonder exactly when Red Version went horribly, horribly wrong…
Oh well. I suppose things can't get much worse.
MOVIUS sent out MIDGYOTO!
…
…
…
MIDGYOTO: hehe, lol
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!
BOB tries not to THROW UP!
But, it failed!
MIDYOTO: son of an onion, u gonna puke onions now? hehehehe lol
The EVIL, the EVIL!! How could such a thing have happened??
MOVIUS can't STAND it any MORE!
MOVIUS stuffed MIDGYOTO back into LARGE STEEL CAGE OF HOLDING!
*gasp* … THANK YOU.
MOVIUS sent out MOVIUS!
Goooo… YOURGAMEFILE!
Go! YOURGAMEFILE!
MOVIUS is IMPRESSED!
Urrh?
MOVIUS sees that YOU have over 1000 HOURS of GAME TIME!
Yeah well… in a cramped time machine with nothing but a Gameboy and a huge stash of double-A batteries, you'd be surprised what you can accomplish.
MOVIUS: MOVIUS DELETION!
What?
MOVIUS used DELETION!
YOURGAMEFILE was DELETED!
….WHAT?
YOURGAMEFILE was DELETED!
WHAT????
YOURGAMEFILE was DELETED!
YOU… YOU… URRRRRRRRRRRRH… BUTCHED… URRRH…
HOW COULD YOU?? Over three months of work…. *sob*
MOVIUS says SOMETHING!
….well urrrh, what did he say?
NARRATOR couldn't UNDERSTAND!
MOVIUS' LANGUAGE was too FLOWERY!
Maybe he was just trying to talk about flowers…?
MOVIUS picks up a FLOWER...
Oh, he's trying to apologize… well, I guess I can forgive…
...OF DEATH!
Whaaa?
MOVIUS: MOVIUS THROW!
MOVIUS used THROW!
WHAT ARE YOU D--?
BUTCH was IMPALED by FLOWER OF DEATH!
BUTCH fainted!
Location: Webmastarian HQ (Inside Warren's House); One Hour Later
BUTCH begins to AWAKEN!
Urrrrrhh… what happened…? I had the most horrible nightmare...
WARREN explains that MOVIUS IMPALED you with a FLOWER OF DEATH!
...ohh right. Nightmare = Reality. Keep forgetting that.
WARREN APOLOGIZES for the TERRIFYING set of EVENTS that GREETED you when you ARRIVED!
Urrh?
WARREN assures you that the NEW RED VERSION isn't REALLY as SCARY as it SEEMED!
...new Red Version?
WARREN says HE will explain EVERYTHING to YOU!
BUTCH's HEART started BEATING again!
Ahhhhh, just like old times. So, where's Bob?
WARREN says that BOB is being FEASTED on by the MUTATED GOATS of HOLINESS!
URRHH??
BUTCH's HEART stopped BEATING AGAIN!
WARREN says he's KIDDING!
*gasp* .. Don't do that!!!
WARREN APOLOGIZES!
WARREN says that BOB is in the OTHER ROOM watching PRINCESS MONONOKE!
Woah!! It's finally out!?
WARREN says IT just came out on VIDEO a few WEEKS ago!
Wow… so, are computers up to 1 Gigahertz yet?
WARREN says they are UP to 1.5 GHz!
!!!
BUTCH's HEART started BEATING again!
I guess the future isn't so bad after all… well, what happened with Red Version?
WARREN says that the WEBMASTER was MURDERED by BETO CHÁVEZ and RED DOOMPUFF snapped the RED VERSION SERVER in HALF, resulting in the INSTANT DEATH of EVERYONE in RED VERSION! IMMORTUS RESTARTED the WORLD, and THIS was the RESULT!
…
BUTCH's HEART stopped BEATING again!
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MESSING WITH MY MIND LIKE THAT!??
WARREN isn't KIDDING!
...you're… not kidding?
WARREN shakes his HEAD!
If my heart weren't already stopped, it would stop right about… now.
WARREN says that NOW you are HERE, THERE is HOPE!
...hope?
WARREN says that your TIME MACHINE can be USED to go BACK IN TIME and ALTER the PAST, restoring RED VERSION to its PROPER FORM!
...wouldn't that cause a paradox?
WARREN says he THOUGHT of a PLAN that would ALLOW the OPERATION to take PLACE without a PARADOX OCCURING!
But…. Urrrh… that thing travels at a rate of two seconds per second… who would be willing to sit in there for so long? I just did it for three months and it was butched!
WARREN says his WEBMASTARIANS will GLADLY make that SACRIFICE!
WARREN explains that IT would be a FOUR-MONTH ROUND-TRIP JOURNEY!
Wow… Red Version restored to the way it used to be… do I dare hope for such a thing?
WARREN says HOPE and a LITTLE LUCK is ALL that is NEEDED!
Luck? I dunno… that thing is composed of parts from Da Evolution Van… but, if it can hold together long enough… it just might be possible…
EXPLOSION is heard from OUTSIDE!
*sob*
WARREN FACEFAULTS!
WARREN dashes OUTSIDE!
WARREN: It's just a little vaporized! It's still good! It's still good!
...I think I'll go join Bob for Princess Mononoke.
TV: You cannot choose your fate, but you may rise to meet it if you choose…
To be continued...
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