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This whole thing was built on a single pun that I've had hidden away for years and years. I don't even know.

Battle 53: Network News Neurosis 5/19/2022
Setting: Fantasy 50% / Reality 50%
Player: Newscaster Ned [No Record]


In the news today, as I'm sure you're all aware, Team Rocket continues their inexorable campaign of world conquest.
In world news, today, we've received word that the Unova, Alola, and Galar regions, along with the United Kingdom, the state of North Dakota, and the planet Tatooine have all announced unconditional surrenders.
Additionally, we've received word that the Amazon Rainforest has spontaneously evolved into the Amazon Death Desert.
In politics, Stan Legislator and the Foxfire Resistance Party continue to push for additional sanctions against Team Rocket, while Gerry and the Rocket Party have written up documents of surrender and are attempting to push them through.
In local news, Mayor Flind is expected to lose re-election following widespread allegations of the use of mind control by him.
Additionally, a number of groups as seen on the screen behind me have begin reporting that it is the End Times and reacting appropriately. The Church of the Iron Nail, meanwhile, has released a press statement that says, and I quote, "End times? Bring it."
Cut.

STAFF used CUT!
LAWN fainted!
And good thing. Had it gotten much taller we'd have had to start looking out for Voltorb on the way in.
MAYORFLIND appeared!
Good morning Mr. Mayor, what can I do for you?
MAYORFLIND is angry!
MAYORFLIND says POOR PRESS COVERAGE is super effective against CAMPAIGN!
Well I'm not going to lie about it. The reports are credible. What kind of outlet do you think we're running here?
MAYORFLIND is angry!
MAYORFLIND wants to fight!
... Fine, so be it.
Go, Printing Press!

...?!
Yes, we have both a newspaper and a television studio.
Go! PRINTINGPRESS!
Enemy MAYORFLIND sent out DUERGAR!
... Is that even a Pokémon? It looks like a dwarf.
Enemy DUERGAR used EXPANSION!
Enemy DUERGAR wrote an EXPANSION to popular TTRPG!
Huh...
Printing press, use Print.

PRINTINGPRESS used PRINT!
EXPANSION went to PRINT!
DUERGAR is happy!
DUERGAR joined you!
The printing press is mightier than the sword.
Enemy MAYORFLIND is angry!
Enemy MAYORFLIND sent out MAYORFLIND!
Mayor Flind, you obviously don't have any more Pokémon, why not just give it a rest...
What? O is evolving!
O evolved into E!
AYER fell back!
IND advanced!
Enemy MAYORFLIND was renamed MINDFLAYER!
...well that explains the allegations of mind control.
Enemy MINDFLAYER used MIND BLAST!
Ally DUERGAR was BLASTED with MIND!
PRINTINGPRESS was BLASTED with MIND!
It's not very effective...
I would imagine, brains are pretty soft as projectiles go...
Press, use Hot Off The Presses.

PRESS used HOT OFF THE PRESSES!
Enemy MINDFLAYER was burned!
Be careful handling freshly printed copies...
Enemy MINDFLAYER used STOP!
PRESSES were fully STOPPED!
PRINTINGPRESS fainted!
... Rrh.
Bring out which POKéMON?
Go, camera.
The enemy eats brains! Get'm CAMERA!
Enemy MINDFLAYER used MINDBLAST!
It's not very effective...
Ally DUERGAR is paralyzed! It may not attack!
It doesn't affect CAMERA!
The camera never lies, but it also adds ten pounds. It doesn't have a brain...
Camera, use Shoot!

CAMERA used SHOOT!
CAMERA shot enemy MINDFLAYER!
Hit 6 times!
One for one, nice.
Enemy MINDFLAYER used PLANE SHIFT!
CAMERA's PROJECTION PLANE was fully SHIFTED!
It's super effective!
Well how are we supposed to take good pictures like this, huh? It looks all skewed now...
Not that it matters for fighting I guess...
Camera, use Snap.

CAMERA used SNAP!
CAMERA snapped enemy MINDFLAYER like TWIG!
Enemy MINDFLAYER fainted!
... Whew.
Well... Won't this make for a story. Too bad my good camera's broken.
Fortunately I have spares. And, y'know, the TV camera crew. You got all that, right?

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.


I don't know what possessed me to write this battle either. But we get more Terra and maybe some foreshadowing.

Battle #52: Nice. 5/12/2022
Location: Wood Forest
Player: Woodman [no record]


WOODMAN appeared!
nice. >:]
TERRA appeared!
TERRA used GRANDIOSE INTRODUCTION!
TERRA says he is here to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
TERRA ... begrudgingly mumbles something about FIGHTING ROCKET DOOMPUFFS!
very nice. >:]
but you can count me out.
im not fighting anymore,

TERRA says you should JOIN his CAUSE!
no. youre totally working for dr. willy.
TERRA used DENIAL!
It's not very effective...
or maybe that other guy. teh bald one. lima?
TERRA is angry!
TERRA wants to fight!
you wanna fight? you got one.
WOODMAN used THEME!
It's super effective!
... on NARRATOR!
EARS used BLEED!
TERRA: Ow, my sensitive freak mutant ears, they bleed...
oi, its just my song, take a chill pill.
NARRATOR used MUTE!
MIDI was fully MUTED!
TERRA: That is the worst rendition of that song I have ever heard...
that isnt very nice. >:[
WOODMAN wants to fight!
go, friender.
Go! FRIENDER!
Enemy TERRA sent out JUPITER!
friender, friend attack.
FRIENDER used FRIEND!
Enemy JUPITER's END was fully FRIed!
Enemy JUPITER flew up high!
Enemy JUPITER greatly fell!
Enemy JUPITER kept going and crashed!
...Into SCREEN BORDER!
Enemy JUPITER fainted!
nice. >:]
TERRA: Do you always say that and make that face...
yes. as long as somethings nice. >:]
TERRA: Whatever...
Enemy TERRA sent out PLUTO!
... looks like he acts about as animal as you look.
WOODMAN used SICK BURN!
PLUTO was burned!
It's super effective!
TERRA was burned!
friender, flame thrower.
FRIENDER used FLAMETHROWER!
FLAME-TAINTED MATTER was THROWN at enemy!
TERRA was thrown at enemy PLUTO!
Enemy PLUTO fainted!
ha.
TERRA: ... Your feeble mortal shenanigans ... still can't hurt me...
TERRA: And I still feel an urge to maul the Narrator...
TERRA: Go me!
Enemy TERRA sent out TERRA!
nice. >:]
you better play nice. >:] with friender though

RABID JIGGLYPUFF appeared!
... what.
RABID JIGGLYPUFF used DEVOUR!
FRIENDER was instantly devoured!
... heck, at least I've got two more of them--
TERRA: OH HECK it's them RUN--
RABID JIGGLYPUFF instantly snapped TERRA in half!
oh. uh. uhhh...!!
WOODMAN ran away!

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.


Touhou Project is fairly well known on the internet; the first four games for the PC-98 somewhat less so.
Meaningful portions of this battle are lifted from Touhou Gensokyo: Lotus Land Story for PC-98.
Due to it being a PC-98 game, most attacks are unnamed in-game, and the names used for Yuuka's patterns are inferred.

Battle #51: Sleeping Terrors May 5, 2022
Location: Yuuka's Mansion, Dream World
Player: Kazami Yuuka [No Record]


Zzz...
YUUKA is fast asleep!
...!?!?
Sheesh, you're noisy...
At this hour, too.
Who exactly are you?

NARRATOR is NARRATOR!
MARISA appeared!
I do not have time or energy for this.
Good night.

Can't escape!
Rrgh. What do you want.
MARISA wants POWER!
You can't have it, go away.
MARISA wants to fight!
...Well then, I suppose I'll have to introduce myself.
I'm the master of this mansion. Yuuka.
It's nice to meet you. ♥

MARISA says GET ON WITH IT!
MARISA sent out MARISA!
You humans are so full of yourselves...
If you want to live a long life, you should be a little more quiet.
Go, me. (Wait, why did I say that... ^^')

YUUKA sent out YUUKA!
Enemy MARISA used RAPID SHOT!
It's not very effective...
Hit 185 times!
OW...
(Maybe I'm the one who should be a little more quiet. ^^')
Irrelevant. Wave Spark.

YUUKA used WAVE SPARK!
YUUKA's attack missed!
Spiral Spark!
YUUKA used SPIRAL SPARK!
YUUKA's attack missed!
Reflex Spark!?
YUUKA used REFLEX SPARK!
YUUKA's attack missed!
Accel Spark!?
YUUKA used ACCEL SPARK!
YUUKA's attack missed!
MASTER SPARK
YUUKA used MASTER SPARK!
DREAM MANSION was fully LEVELED!
DREAM WORLD was fully SHAKEN!

Location: Hakurei Shrine
Player: Reimu Hakurei

MAGICAL AURA used SHAKE!
HAKUREI SHRINE fainted!
Sigh... I knew paying those pigs to rebuild it from straw and sticks was a bad idea...
But it was cheap!
Guess it's an Incident, then...


Location: Yuuka's Mansion Ruins, Dream World
Player: Kazami Yuuka

... Did I get her...
YUUKA's attack missed!
MARISA: Oi, now that's what I'm after... Fork it over.
MARISA used LASER SHOT!
It's not very effective...
Hit 720 times!
OW.
I am not awake enough for this.

YUUKA used INVISIBILITY!
See you! ♥
MARISA saw you!
MARISA used MALEVOLENT LAUGHTER!
... ^^' ^^'
YUUKA ran away!

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.




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