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Slothian Takeover
Color key: Game Text / Dialogue
Battle #31: Pyrrhic Victory November 10, 1999
Setting: Game / Reality
Player: Da Evolution Man [Record: 5-2-1] Last Battle: Win vs. Supervillain (Battle #22)
Huh? Pyrrhic Victory? What do you suppose that means?
POKé MAN says he doesn't know!
POKé MAN says you must be feeling confused!
Oh no you don't!
You know as well as I do that if I get confused I'll hurt myself.
POKé MAN accuses you of killing his ally!
First of all, I didn't kill him. The idiot evolved himself into a puddle and ended up in a storm drain!
POKé MAN says you shouldn't have provoked him!
He wasn't even your ally anymore! He betrayed you and joined Team Rocket!
POKé MAN doesn't believe you!
So do you want to fight or what?
POKé MAN wants to fight!
I figured as much.
So... you wanna send out Pokémon against each other or just fight each other the old fashioned way?
POKé MAN says he can beat you in a fair fight!
Alright then! I send out me!
Go! EVOLUMAN!
POKé MAN sent out POKé MAN!
It's about time someone took care of you, you evil do-gooder!
Enemy POKé MAN used HEAT VISION!
Enemy POKé MAN can see your HEAT!
I bet that's a confusing thing to see, isn't it?
Enemy POKé MAN is not confused!
Huh? I don't understand...
EVOLUMAN is confused!
Nooooooooo!!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
That does it! No more Mr. Nice EvoluGuy!
Get him, Pikachu!!
PIKACHU appeared!
PIKACHU wants to fight!
Ha ha! Face the wrath of my ally, Poké Man!
POKé MAN says this was supposed to be a fair match!
Well it's my duty to rid the world of evil people like you, no matter what it takes!
POKé MAN insists that he's not evil!
Then how do you explain the sinister insignia on your cape?
POKé MAN says that's his superhero logo!
Whatever. Get him, Pikachu!
PIKACHU sent out PIKACHU!
PIKACHU used THUNDER!
PIKACHU's attack missed!
That attack always misses, Pikachu! Try something else!
Enemy POKé MAN used FLY!
Enemy POKé MAN flew up high!
Okay, Pikachu! Prepare for his attack when he comes down!
PIKACHU is PREPARED!
Minutes pass!
NOTHING is HAPPENING!
Uhh... I think Poké Man ran away...
POKé MAN used PLUMMET!
POKé MAN is falling at ALARMING SPEED!
This is gonna be bad...
POKé MAN collides with the GROUND!
CHUNKS OF ROCK fly everywhere!
Nooooooooo!!
It's super effective!
Arghhh!!
EVOLUMAN is buried in DIRT!
POKé MAN fainted!
Ha ha! Nice try, Poké Man! But I live!
EVOLUMAN wins!
PIKACHU wins!
EMPEROR SLOTH wins!
Yeah, Emperor Sloth wi- huh??
Emperor Sloth? Isn't that the Evil Overlord everyone's talking about?
EMPEROR SLOTH says you have helped him achieve his dreams of glory!
Uhh... can you help me out of this dirt so I can fight you?
EMPEROR SLOTH laughs maniacally!
It's super effective!
Hey Emp, you wouldn't happen to know what a Pyrrhic victory is, would you?
Battle #32: Mewtwo Strikes Back
November 17, 1999
Setting: Game / Reality
Player: Emperor Sloth [Record: 2-0-0] Last Battle: Win vs. Red Warrior (Battle #30)
Wild MEWTWO appeared!
What? Could this be another challenger?
MEWTWO says it is the one who will take over the world!
We shall see about that. Go ahead - you can make the first move.
Pokémon: The First Movie! Now playing in theaters everywhere!
I wonder how much the webmaster is being paid for all these advertisements...
MEWTWO wants to fight!
I'll test out my newly-caught Pokémon on you!
Go! RED WARRIOR!
MEWTWO sent out MEWTWO!
Meet my servant, the Red Warrior!
He was a worthy adversary before I captured him.
Enemy MEWTWO wants to know who it is!
Huh?
Enemy MEWTWO wants to know its purpose in life!
Who cares? You're gonna die anyway!
Enemy MEWTWO says that cannot be its purpose!
Enemy MEWTWO is angry!
Here it comes... brace yourself, Red Warrior!
Enemy MEWTWO used PSYCHIC!
RED WARRIOR is now under MEWTWO's control!
An intimidating attack, but completely pointless.
RED WARRIOR good! Come back!
I won't let you use my own Pokémon against me!
Enemy MEWTWO used MASTER BALL!
RED WARRIOR was stolen!
What?? That's impossible - he was in his Poké ball already!
Enemy MEWTWO still wants to know its purpose in life!
Now you're really beginning to get on my nerves!
Enemy MEWTWO says you are inferior and must die!
We'll see about that. I'll fight you myself!
Go! EMPEROR SLOTH!
TAKE THAT!
EMPEROR SLOTH used DARKNESS!
Enemy MEWTWO was blinded...
Ha! It worked!
...with RAGE!!
Uh oh...
Enemy MEWTWO unleashes its power upon you!
It didn't affect EMPEROR SLOTH!
Ha ha! I am more powerful than you guessed!
And now I'm afraid our little game must end.
EMPEROR SLOTH used THUNDERPUNCH!
Enemy MEWTWO is paralyzed! It may not attack!
Such is the power of my attacks.
Enemy MEWTWO forfeits!
Huh? Can it do that?
MEWTWO realizes that it shouldn't fight you!
That's only because you now realize I can beat you!
MEWTWO says it doesn't matter how you were BORN!
Your point being...?
MEWTWO says everyone deserves to be treated with respect!
Is there some kind of message here?
MEWTWO says all banners on this site should be clicked 20 times!
NOW you've really irritated me!! DIE MEWTWO!!
EMPEROR SLOTH used THUNDERPUNCH!
MEWTWO fainted!
Poké Balls, go!
EMPEROR SLOTH used POKé BALL!
RED WARRIOR was caught!
EMPEROR SLOTH used POKé BALL!
MEWTWO was caught!
Heh heh... with Mewtwo in my lineup, I truly can't be beaten...
Battle #33: The Need for Greed November 24, 1999
Setting: Game / Reality
Player: Chuck Woolery [No Record]
Welcome to Greed everyone!
We have our six contestants. In a moment, we'll be down to five.
By the end of the game, maybe only one. We'll see.
...Because if they're smart enough, if they're courageous enough… even greedy enough… one of these players could walk away with over two million dollars.
CHUCK rambles on!
Uhh… yes, I nearly forgot to mention that this is a special Pokémon episode of Greed. We will be joined by the Pokémon narration-
CHUCK refuses to get the GAME started!
Ah… here are our contestants:
BOB "THAT GUY" SMITH is from Battle #2 and has a record of 2-4-0!
PROFESSOR OAK is from Battle #16 and has a record of 1-0-0!
LUKE SKYWALKER is from Battle #5 and has a record of 2-2-1!
GARRY KASPAROV is from Battle #12 and has a record of 1-1-0!
EMPEROR SLOTH is from Battle #23 and has a record of 2-0-0!
CAPTAIN PETE is from Battle #11 and has a record of 1-0-0!
Here's our qualifying question: In total, how many Pokémon exist?
PROFESSOR OAK says that's not a fair question!
Why not?
PROFESSOR OAK says nobody's sure how many exist!
Well, the Fox network seems to know, so everyone lock in your answers.
Answers are LOCKED!
Good! The answer is 747.
PROFESSOR OAK says that's incorrect!
Hey! YOU don't get to decide what's correct around here, alright?
Now, who got the closest answer?
CAPTAIN PETE's answer was 500!
Alright, Captain Pete. I guess you're our uhh… captain.
GARRY KASPAROV's answer was 425!
Alright, Kasparov. Take the number one position.
EMPEROR SLOTH's answer was 251!
Number two for you.
LUKE SKYWALKER's answer was 250!
Position number three is all yours.
So now it's down to Bob and Oak… who's going to play for the big money?
PROFESSOR OAK's answer was 151!
Oak, congratulations. Bob, thank you but 150 wasn't good enough.
BOB ran away!
Ladies and gentlemen… this is your team!
NOBODY cares!
Alright, Captain Pete. Ready for the $25,000 question?
CAPTAIN PETE says arrr!
Professor, if I gave you two million dollars, what would you do with it?
PROFESSOR OAK says he'd use it as reward money for the capture of Emperor Sloth!
How… unique. Here's your question:
Which of the following numbers is greater than three?
Is it two, zero, negative 4, or twenty-four?
PROFESSOR OAK says zero!
Oh… um… alright I guess. Captain Pete, you can change that answer if you don't like it.
CAPTAIN PETE says he likes that answer!
Huh? But… but… um, is zero correct?
ZERO is wrong!
Captain, why on earth didn't you change that answer?
CAPTAIN PETE says he is sabotaging EMPEROR SLOTH's plans of taking over the world!
EMPEROR SLOTH is angry!
EMPEROR SLOTH wants to fight!
I knew it was a mistake to allow sloths onto this show…
Battle #34: Slothful Melee December 1, 1999
Setting: Game / Reality
Player: Bob "That Guy" Smith [Record: 2-4-0] Last Battle: Loss vs. Cashier (Rare Battle #4)
You've gone far enough, E-Sloth! You can't defeat all of us!
EMPEROR SLOTH demands that you pronounce his full name!
Forget it! We don't fear you anymore!
EMPEROR SLOTH wants to fight!
Fellow trainers! It's here that we will defeat Emperor Sloth! Who's with me?
CHUCK WOOLERY ran away!
Bah! We don't need that wimpy game show host on our team!
EVERYONE ELSE wants to fight!
...they want to fight E-Sloth, not me… right?
BOB is correct!
That's a relief. Go, Clefairy!
Go! CLEFAIRY!
DARKLUKE sent out DARKLUKE!
PROFESSOR OAK sent out CHARMANDER!
Hey… didn't Professor Oak die a few weeks ago…?
PROFESSOR OAK says that was GARY OAK who died!
Oh… I never liked that guy anyway.
EMPEROR SLOTH sent out EVOLUMAN!
Huh? E-Sloth is using Da Evolution Man as a Pokémon!
We can't hurt him!
PROFESSOR OAK suggests freeing him!
How do we do that?
PROFESSOR OAK says he'll recapture him!
PROFESSOR OAK used POKé Ball!
OAK: OAK! This is not the time to use that!
...Uhh, pardon me for asking, but why are you stopping yourself from using your Poké Ball?
PROFESSOR OAK says he can't help it!
Enemy EVOLUMAN used FLEX!
Enemy EVOLUMAN is FLEXing his muscles!
What? You think we're intimidated by that?
KASPAROV was paralyzed with FEAR!
CAPTAIN PETE was paralyzed with FE...arr!
Noooo!!!
EMPEROR SLOTH used POKé Balls!
KASPAROV was captured!
CAPTAIN PETE was captured!
Oak! Why didn't you tell him that it wasn't the time to use that??
PROFESSOR OAK says he forgot!
But you never forget!
PROFESSOR OAK removed MASK!
PROFESSOR OAK is actually DEATH!
I knew it! You're not the REAL Professor Oak!
DARKLUKE used THE FORCE!
EVOLUMAN was FORCED out of the room!
EMPEROR SLOTH lost control of EVOLUMAN!
Nice move, Luke!
EMPEROR SLOTH is enraged!
Clefairy, use your charm on Death!
CLEFAIRY used LIFECHARM!
It's super effective!
I'll hold off Death, Luke! You take care of E-Sloth!
DEATH wants to know if you fear it!
What do you mean?
DEATH wants to know if you're afraid to die!
I'm not afraid of you, if that's what you want me to say.
DEATH wants to know if you're afraid of your CLEFAIRY getting killed!
What? NO!! You can't kill Clefairy!!
DEATH used--
NO!! CLEFAIRY, RETURN!!
CLEFAIRY good! Come back!
DEATH says to run away, and never return!
I'm outmatched… they're all yours, Luke!
BOB ran away!
Battle #35: Last Stand December 8, 1999
Setting: Game / Reality
Player: Luke Skywalker [Record: 2-2-1] Last Battle: Loss vs. Tree (Battle #26)
Emperor Sloth! Show yourself!
EMPEROR SLOTH is already there!
Right… I see I'm the only thing standing between you and world domination.
EMPEROR SLOTH says he never thought of it that way!
EMPEROR SLOTH agrees with you!
EMPEROR SLOTH wants to fight!
R2-D2! Don't fail me this time!
Go! R2-D2!
EMPEROR SLOTH sent out EMPEROR SLOTH!
R2-D2! Scan him for weaknesses!
R2-D2 doesn't have the "sense" Materia!
What?? I thought this was Star Wars, not Final Fantasy VII!
FINAL FANTASY VII! Now for the PC!
Never a missed advertising opportunity, eh?
EMPEROR SLOTH says this isn't FFVII or Star Wars!
Then what is it?
EMPEROR SLOTH says you're playing Pokémon!
What's a pokey man?
EMPEROR SLOTH used SLAM!
R2-D2 was SLAMMED into the ground!
R2-D2 fainted!
No fair! You distracted me!
EMPEROR SLOTH says that must be confusing!
Well yeah, it is. What's your point?
DARKLUKE is confused!
No!! Tricked again!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
I send out myself!
Go! DARKLUKE!
EMPEROR SLOTH says you should be his ally!
Huh? No way, you're not gonna get me with that confusion thing again!
DARKLUKE is confused no more!
EMPEROR SLOTH says his purposes are DARK!
Hmm… you should join the dark side, then…
EMPEROR SLOTH says if he does, that would make you his ally!
Uh oh.
What? EMPEROR SLOTH is evolving!
No!!!
EMPEROR SLOTH evolved into DARKSLOTH!
But… but he's the enemy! I can't be allied with an enemy!
DARKSLOTH says you have no choice!
NO!! I WANT TO BE GOOD AGAIN!
DARKSLOTH says once you join the Dark Side, there's no turning back!
I know I can do it! All I have to do is put my mind to it…
OBI-WAN: DARKLUKE! This is not the time to use that!
Oh, shut up you Oak impersonator!
DARKSLOTH says insulting Obi-wan helps you remain on the Dark Side!
But… but I want to de-evolve into normal Luke again!
DARKSLOTH says DE-EVOLUTION only happens in BLUE VERSION!
...then I guess I have no choice...
DARKLUKE allied with DARKSLOTH!
DARKSLOTH laughs maniacally!
DEATH laughs maniacally!
DARKLUKE laughs maniacally!
MWA HA HA HA HA!!! (*sob* What have I gotten myself into…?)
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