Date: July 20. 2001
Location: Furinkan High School
Player: Tatewaki Kuno [5-3-1] Last: Win vs. Uh... Everyone else in the Royale
Ranma Saotome! I shall bring you to justice!
Why the heck did KUNO come to FURINKAN at 2:00 in the morning?
Saotome shall not try to avoid me by getting to school before I am there!
The JANITOR isn't even here!
This is PATHETIC!
Okay, someone else HAS to be doing something...
Player: Kerrigan [2-2-1] Last: She... Um... Walked away vs. VLMonster
Oh, thanks for focusing on me. I've come up with some allies who really want to beat your face in, Clive. Greet the nice Narrator, guys.
LARRY, DR. NEO, JOE BLOW, GENERIC HERO, and HUNDREDS OF ZERG: Hi, Clive!
... O_O;
Let's see how KUNO's doing...
Player: Tatewaki Kuno
IDENTIFY YOURSELF, KNAVE!
JANITOR: ... What?
Maybe you should, uh, go to the TENDO DOJO?
Ah, Akane Tendo... I shall free you from the enslaver of --
JUST GO TO THE FREAKING DOJO!
Location: Tendo Dojo
RANMA SAOTOME! COME OUT AND FIGHT ME, COWARD!
RANMA: Go away, Kuno... I need to sleep...
THEN I WILL WAIT HERE AND YELL FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT!
RANMA: Whatever... You can't get me to fight ya right now, Kuno....
AKANE throws RANMA out the WINDOW!
AKANE: Go out there and beat him up, stupid! Then maybe some of us can get some sleep!
Oh, Akane Tendo! How you selflessly do me this favor in sacrifice of your own sleep, I shall smite this cretin for you!
RANMA wants to go to sleep!
NO! FIGHT ME! I won that Battle Royale, and this is what I wanted!
RANMA: But... uh.... Isn't it dishonorable to fight someone who's not even conscious?
Feh. So it is. Sleep for the next few hours, but tomorrow I shall smite thee!
That's right, this is an interactive battle! Now you can go to sleep, and the battle resumes in a couple hours! Fun! Wow! ... Whatever.
A few hours later...
SAOTOME! IT IS TEN IN THE MORNING! WAKE UP AND GET OUT HERE!
SOUN TENDO: Oh, excuse me, are you looking for Ranma? He went out the back door to school hours ago.
... WHAT? AAAAAAARGH!
Location: Furinkan High School
Ranma.... Saotome.... Where are you...?
In CLASS, and KUNO should be too!
I HAVE NO TIME TO BE LEARNING ABOUT... STUFF! You promised me a fight with Ranma Saotome, and I want that fight NOW!
Hmf, fine...
RANMA appeared OUTSIDE!
RANMA doesn't really want to fight!
COWARD!
RANMA: Listen, Kuno... I, um.... Hurt my back last night. That's why I can't fight you!
Oh, we WILL battle at something, Saotome.
RANMA: ... Uh... Stratego?
ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS STRATEGO?!?!?
RANMA: Sure, why not?
Eh, it's not more unrealistic than some of the RANMA 1/2 competitions!
Very well, then... I shall smite thee at Stratego....
This could take a while. You should probably read and review here and go on with your lives..
Battles 1-5
Date: August 8, 2001
Location: Base Camp
Player: Kerrigan [2-2-1] Last: Brief appearance in Battle #31
Jeez, this is incredibly boring... Of course, nothing's really happened since I gave that immense ass-kicking to Diablo a week ago.
AZUSA: Top Scout Azusa Shiratori reporting!
Oh, good. Okay, make your report.
AZUSA: We didn't see any sign of Narrators...
... HELLO? CLIVE is right HERE!
... You really should be running for your life.
Not yet. CLIVE is in no DANGER right now!
AZUSA: Um, anyway, we didn't find much, but I did see this one KAWAII little Scourge that-- WAIT! There it is! Come back, widdle Pietro!
AZUSA ran away!
VLMONSTER: Azusa, my love! I shall catch it for you!
VLMONSTER ran away!
... Eeeergh.
VELOCIRAPTORS appear!
... What?
VELOCIRAPTORS!
VELOCIRAPTORS want to fight!
How pathetic. You send DINOSAURS to defeat me, Clive?
Not just ANY DINOSAURS!
These VELOCIRAPTORS... um... have SUPER-POWERS!
... This is just pathetic. DESTROY THEM, MY --
CLIVE thinks it would be a good time to tell KERRIGAN that the ZERG BROODS and other HENCHMEN are on their COFFEE BREAK! ^_^
FEH! The Zerg don't need coffee!
Of course they do!
What kind of LEADER is KERRIGAN if she doesn't know that the ZERG BROODS consider FRAPPUCHINOS a LIFE-SOURCE?
... But... That means... Erk.
KERRIGAN sent out KERRIGAN!
Enemy VELORICRAPTORS sent out SUPER-RAPTOR!
HAH! Let's see that idiot survive a Psionic Storm!
KERRIGAN used PSIONIC STORM!
Enemy SUPER-RAPTOR walked into the EYE OF THE STORM!
EYE blinked!
Enemy SUPER-RAPTOR gouged the EYE out!
PSIONIC STORM fainted!
... Now what?
Enemy SUPER-RAPTOR used FLY!
Enemy SUPER-RAPTOR is FLYing around!
Okay, that's just weird.
Enemy SUPER-RAPTOR lands on the ground and takes a BOW!
Enemy SUPER-RAPTOR wears a BOW!
This is by far the most pointless battle I have ever fought....
What about the time where you FOUGHT PROTOSS for an ETERNITY just to go toe-to-toe with TASSADAR, who turned out to be nothing more than a HALLUCINATION?
Oh... yeah. That sucked too. Aha! I'll just consume that thing!
KERRIGAN used CONSUME!
KERRIGAN CONSUMEd a JELLY DONUT!
I guess I should have been more specific when I said "that thing."
JELLY DONUT was filled with CHEMICAL X!
KERRIGAN was re-named KERRIPUFFGIRL!
GAAAAAAAAAAH! What ARE these? Hands? Flippers? I.... I don't have a nose anymore! AND MY EYES ARE HUGE! AND MY BODY WOULD FIT IN MY HEAD THIRTEEN TIMES!
Aww, how cute.
No... no... GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME!
Minion OVERLORD appeared!
OVERLORD: O Queen, we -- Oops. Didn't see ya there, weird looking little girl. I'm trying to find my queen. She's a big creepy lady with --
YOU MORON! I'M Kerrigan! The pathetic Narrator did this to me! Wait... go into battle with that dinosaur in my place, okay?
OVERMIND: Sure, little girl that looks like Kerrigan.
Return, KERRIPUFFGIRL!
Go, OVERLORD!
*Snicker* And what exactly are you going to do with that?
Overlord, assimilate those things!
OVERLORD used ASSIMIL -- Oh, god...
Wait, since when could OVERLORDS assimilate other SPECIES?
They have to be good for SOMETHING, right?
... Oh.
RAPTORS were ASSIMILATED!
CLIVE has just SCREWED his chances of VICTORY even more.
That's what you get, Narrator.
AZUSA: Heeey, look at the kawaii little girl! Do you have a name? Can I call you Bridget?
I'm Kerrigan, you ditz!
AZUSA: Sure ya are, Bridget!
This is going to be one LONG season... Maybe if you people read and review here, this webmaster can keep writing and end this...
Date: August 16, 2001
Location: Base Camp
Player: Kerripuffgirl [3-2-1] Last: Win/Assimilation vs. Velociraptors (Battle #32)
... CONTROL FREAK? Clive, you worthless --
Um, CLIVE ran off a long time ago. I'm Mitch.
It doesn't matter! This is an insult! You --
LARRY: May I have your attention? Since Kerrigan has mysteriously vanished, I, Larry, will be taking over... GAAAAH!
LARRY ran away, followed by an ULTRALISK!
.... Oh no. I lost control over the Zerg when Clive..... AAAAARGH!
.... Oh, maaaan....
WHERE THE HELL IS CLIVE?
Location: Clive Campaign HQ
Player: Cool Trainer Myron [1-3-0] Last: Loss. vs. The Zerg (War Event #1)
CLIVE: ARE YOU READY TO FIGHT FOR VENGEANCE, HONOR, AND ME?!?
I, um, heard there were free donuts here.
CLIVE: They're over there. -_-;
MYRON eats a DONUT!
Hm... This tastes paper-ish.
CLIVE: Yes, because you just ate a contract stating that you will join me in the fight against Kerrigan!
... So? I ate it.
CLIVE: Uh... yeah.
But I didn't sign it.
CLIVE: Yes, you did. With your... uh.... Tongue!
What are you talking about? How could I sign it with my tongue?
CLIVE: JOIN THE STUPID ARMY, OKAY? File in with the troops.
SEIFER and SMOOTH EDDIE: *Sweatdrop*
Um, CLIVE? We have a problem.
CLIVE: What kind of -
HYDRALISK burst through the wall!
HYDRALISK: HEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!
OTHER ZERG walk in through the door!
ZERGLING: Um, your name isn't Johnny.
HYDRALISK: Shut up, Rick.
This can't be good.
See what your whole "Kerripuffgirl" torture has led to, CLIVE?
Enemy ZERG advanced on MYRON, SEIFER, CLIVE, and EDDIE!
EDDIE: Oh my god, we're all gonna die! .... Eeeeeey!
Enemy ZERG automatically focused on SMOOTH EDDIE!
EDDIE: Uh oh.
ZERGLING #2: Hisss! Chhhk! Chhk!
... Antacid?
ZERGLING: #2: Thanks. Now DIE!
ZERGLING #2 died!
Every ZERG besides RICK and HYDRALISK died horribly!
DOOMFRUIT appeared!
DOOMDRONES appeared!
CLIVE: YOU'RE allying with me?
DOOMFRUIT: For NOW, Narrator. I've noticed that all the other villains have sided with Kerrigan. I've still got a huge score to settle with them.
Location: Flashback-land
Player: Doomfruit [5-1-0] Last: Uh... Murder vs. The Zerg?
GEORGE W. BUSH: So the diversive-compulsive motivications of Saddam Hussein led me to question his creditability and then I killed stuff. Are you following this, Mr. Abassador of Cuba Person?
Erm, yes. But now I must go.... smoke cigars.
BUSH laughs!
BUSH: Cigars are for sissies!
... Riiiight. I'm leaving now.
DOOMFRUIT ran away!
Location: The Remains of Clive's HQ, Severa; Hours Later
So there you have it. My reason that I'm going on a journey of betrayal and revenge. Summed up in ten lines.
CLIVE: Oh... kay. Well, Kerrigan's helpless, so I think we're fine now.
CLIVE is just going to let the ZERG run amok?
CLIVE: We should probably make a task force to stop that....
Eeeergh....
Location: Base Camp Ruins, behind a huge wall...
Player: Kerripuffgirl [3-2-1]
Uh, bad news, KERRIPUFFGIRL!
CLIVE is just going to let you stay this way!
WHAT?!? That fool, he's doomed us all... Now what am I supposed to do?
CLICHED DOOMPUFF: Hey, why don't we just throw the little girl out and run for our lives while the Zerg are feasting on her abnormally large head? It's not like she can fight back...
Shut UP.
... Does KERRIPUFFGIRL realize that she could easily kill them all with her endless list of super-powers?
Not... until.... now....
KERRIPUFFGIRL grins MALICIOUSLY!
ALL: Uh-oh..... RUN!
EVERYONE ELSE ran away!
ZERG followed EVERYONE ELSE!
Oh, this is gonna be good. Now, audience, you don't wanna see the gory results. This isn't Cinnabar Version. So review here, and pray for those other saps.
Date: September 2, 2001
Location: Somewhere near Generic City #2431
Player: Kerripuffgirl [3-2-1] Last: Bitter Evil Vengeance on Larry's forces (Battle #33)
Oh, a filler battle. We've never done one of THESE before.
Shut up, shut up, shut UP!
Does KERRIPUFFGIRL think that CLIVE LIKES doing this?
Well, after the unfathomable success of the last one...
... Must look for convenient distraction...
DISTANT VOICE: Help us, help us!
No ****ing way in hell.
You're a SUPERHEROINE! You have to go help!
Nope. Not gonna do it. No way.
DISTANT VOICE: There's a monster here and stuff!
... Nope. I still won't.
DISTANT VOICE: We have candy!
... What am I, a little... girl... oh, no....
You know you want it!
SHUT UP!
DISTANT VOICE: And we have toys! And dollies!
DAMN IT! STOP THAT!
DISTANT VOICE: And cute little bunnies!
... Off I go to save the day. >_<
What a good little girl KERRIPUFFGIRL is!
Bastard.
KERRIPUFFGIRL reaches GENERIC CITY #2431!
MONSTER wants to fight!
I want my candy first.
KERRIPUFFGIRL burst into song!
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, CLIVE!
Nope.
Yes, yes I will. Then I'll tear you limb from limb, and convert your blood into sour patch kids. Mmmm, Sour Patch Kids.
.... O_O;;;
You're one sick and twisted little girl.
You created this, Red Baron.
Well, I never expected you to be this twisted.
Well, I am. You got a problem with that?
MONSTER destroys a BUILDING!
Yes, yes I do, actually!
Keep talking. The more you talk, the better your larynx will taste when I convert it to that sour potion stuff.
You're creeping me out, KERRIPUFFGIRL....
MONSTER continues to destroy STUFF!
Good. I hope your eyes get wider. Then they'll make nice big jelly beans.
... You're kidding, right?
Well, yes.
Thank god.
MONSTER has destroyed GENERIC CITY #2431!
... Oh, yeah. That. I'll send out myself, then.
KERRIPUFFGIRL sent out KERRIPUFFGIRL!
Enemy MONSTER sent out MONSTER!
MONSTER puts RESUMES on the INTERNET so YOU can get MAXIMUM PUBLICITY!
You da MONSTER!
I can't even begin to describe how scary that is.
MANY MANY COMPANIES want KERRIPUFFGIRL to work for THEM!
... This is stupid.
COMPANIES offer CANDY! Lots of CANDY!
... Well, then, off to Corporate America I go!
Location: Office
DILBERT: Umm, Ms. Kerrigan, this isn't the computer I asked for. It's a box with the words "DIE, YOU MAGGOT!" printed on it.
Gee, I wonder why?
Let me guess, KERRIPUFFGIRL works in HUMAN RESOURCES?
Yeah.
Are you happy now? Will you end this grudge?
Nope. I'm STILL going to kill you.
... This battle isn't going to end, is it?
Not for another 10,000 lines.
KERRIPUFFGIRL flies out of her office!
DILBERT: .... What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
DILBERT steals KERRIPUFFGIRL's COMPUTER!
YOU'RE NEXT, DILBERT!
Location: The Remains of Generic City #2431
MONSTER: You want to come back and get another job, hmm?
KERRIPUFFGIRL used HUGE EYE LASERS!
MONSTER died!
I hate that guy. Um, now, about you...
.... You're in a bad mood, aren't you?
Yup.
I'll give you candy if you leave me alone, okay?
Nope.
I should end this battle and tell the readers to review here, right?
Yup.
Date: September 25, 2001
Location: Clive's HQ
Player: Cool Trainer Myron [1-3-0] Last: He was in the WORLD's WORST MINI-FIC.
Uh... so... do we have any plans?
Well, it's obvious that we shouldn't wait them out... Or go all out... What if we used a shoddily made plot device to defeat all our enemies?
Wait... who are all of our enemies again?
CAPTIAN EXPOSITION appeared!
C-EXPO: Well, there's Kerripuffgirl, there's the Zerg, led by a creepy mystery villain who defeated Mega-Pointlessly-Strong-Guy in the Mini-Fic, and there's Larry's forces.
... Who the heck are you?
C-EXPO: I AM CAPTAIN EXPOSITION! WHOOSH!
C-EXPO ran away!
.... Oookay. Anyways, I have a plan. It's a good plan. A very good plan. So good that it's intoxicating.
You don't really have a plan, do you?
LIGHTNING strikes MYRON!
Of COURSE I do! Now listen up, I have a way to amplify my power... But we need a part from....
DRAMATIC MUSIC plays!
Nice touch.
Thanks.
Okay.... a part from... RADIO SHACK!
NOOOOOOOOO!
SMOOTH EDDIE: But.. they're evil there! ... Eeeeey!
DOOMFRUIT: Feh, How bad could it be?
Location: EVIL DEATH RADIO SHACK TOWER
DOOMFRUIT: Is that it?
B-But... mere mortal men fear this place...
DOOMFRUIT: Come on, wimps.
DOOMFRUIT, SMOOTH EDDIE, and MYRON enter RADIO SHACK!
Women: A MAN!
Woman #1: Let's enslave him like we do in the commercials!
SMOOTH EDDE: Eeeeeey, watch as my ability to hypnotize women comes into - AAAAH!
SMOOTH EDDIE dodges a bullet!
SMOOTH EDDIE: ... Uh... forget that. RUN!
SMOOTH EDDIE and MYRON ran away!
DOOMFRUIT: Clive, you better switch the player to me. This could take a while.
Player: Doomfruit [4-1-0] Last: He was in the Mini-Fic also.
I can already tell that this is going to be stupid.
LOTS OF FEMINISTS appeared!
Yyyyyup. God, I hate all these villains. When I return.... ALL SHALL DIE! MWAHAHAHAA -
DOOMFRUIT dodges a NAIL!
Okay, that's it. GO, MY DOOMDRONES!
Um.. you can only send out one POKEMON at a time...
But DOOMDRONES are another matter!
Go, DOOMDRONESx20!
Sap the energy out them!
PORTAL opened!
SEAL appeared!
What the hell is that?
FEMINIST: It's a sign! A sign that.... uh.... men suck?
Other FEMINISTS: YEAH!
FEMINISTS ran off to WORSHIP THE SEAL!
SMOOTH EDDIE and MYRON appeared!
MYRON: We did it!
....
SMOOTH EDDIE: Of course! We held them off!
Is that what you morons call hiding behind the entrance door?
MYRON: .... Fine, you figured out our plan...
That's not a plan, you idiot, that's just being a wuss.
MYRON: Leave me alone.
Gladly.
SMOOTH EDDIE: Eeeey, where's the part?
Hmf, I don't care. I CAN DESTROY THOSE OTHER WEAKLINGS WITH A THOUGHT!
I've... um... had it the whole time.
MYRON: ...
SMOOTH EDDIE: ...
... BASTARD!
Okay, this was just a training mission anyway.
MYRON: ... What training?
I wasted my time sending my minions to fight some evil feminist cashiers while the other two run like little sissies and you call that TRAINING?
Not really, but it was one fun ride!
MYRON: Almost as fun as running into a wall.
SMOOTH EDDIE: Or watching a cell phone commercial.
Or reading and reviewing HERE!
God, I can't wait for this war to be over so I can kill you all...