Current Narrator in Power: Steve (Battles 36-40)
Date: November 8, 2001
Location: Clive HQ - Two Drink Minimum
Player: The Evil Pesticide-Laiden Grapefruit of Doom [5-1-0]
WHAT IN THE CLAWED HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
MYRON: PAAAAAAAAARTY!
SMOOTH EDDIE: 'Eeeeey! I just invited some happenin' chicks over!
...
To our SECRET HIDEOUT?
SMOOTH EDDIE: Well, okay, that's a security risk, but it's worth it for fine ladies like them!
MYRON: YEAH!
.... No. No it's not.
What possessed you two morons to do this?
MYRON: It's been over a month! Don't you think that if they would have attacked it would have been done a long time ago?
SMOOTH EDDIE: Yeah, nothing can stop us now!
....
FIVE, FOUR....
Three, two, one....
LARRY'S FORCES charge in!
LARRY: AT LAST, WE ARE HERE!
JOE BLOW: Would have been faster if you had let someone else other than Azusa navigate.
VLMONSTER: Hey, if Azusa says our course runs through every toy and pet store in Celadon City, we NEED to go through every toy and pet store in Celadon City!
SMOOTH EDDIE: 'Eeeeeey! Welcome to the PARTAY!
You IDIOT, they want us dead!
SMOOTH EDDIE: There'll be chicks and.... Um.... uh-oh.
"Uh-oh" is damn right.
LARRY'S FORCES: ....
CLICHED DOOMPUFF: Since when did you have Doomfruit on your side?
Since you and those other poser villains are against Clive. Remember how you forced me to listen to a babbling idiot for months?
VLMONSTER: They made you listen to Larry?
No, President Bush, you fool!
LARRY: HEY, SHUT UP!
Although, I find Larry and the President somewhat alike...
LARRY: That's the last straw!
MYRON: Ohhh, really? I'll go get more...
GENERIC HERO: Stay where you are, evil-doer!
MYRON: Look who's talking! You're allied with three villains!
GENERIC HERO: ... What?
LARRY: Uh, never mind him! ATTACK!
LARRY wants to fight!
AZUSA wants to fight!
VLMONSTER wants to fight!
DR. NEO wants to fight!
JOE BLOW wants to fight!
CLICHED DOOMPUFF wants to fight!
GENERIC HERO wants to fight!
Ally COOL TRAINER MYRON wants to fight!
Ally SMOOTH EDDIE wants to fight!
.... Okay, I'm in.
CLIVE thinks that this should be a steel-cage Royal Rumble!
MYRON: But... Uh, aren't Royal Rumbles supposed to have people being thrown out of the ring?
Um... yeah. What's MYRON's point?
MYRON: How could you do that with a cage in the way?
.... DAMN.
CLIVE decides to ignore the CARNAGE unfolding and focus on LARRY!
LARRY: I know where you are.
CLIVE locks LARRY in a BOX!
You know what's even cooler, Clive?
LARRY can NARRATE while he's in here!
BOX exploded!
Wasn't LARRY INSIDE the BOX?
... OW.
LARRY thinks that we should take this to a DESOLATE, DARK PLACE!
Sounds cool.
You mean you're going to leave me here with only those two wusses as allies?
Good point. Anyway, we'll need a NARRATOR while we're gone!
CLIVE temporarily promotes... Um.... CHUCK NORRIS!
.... WHAT?
Hi, I'm Chuck Norris! Before I narrate this battle, I'd like to talk about the AB-SLIDE --
CHUCK NORRIS is DEMOTED and BEATEN UP!
Yeah, that didn't work. I'll promote.... Er.... CLIVE creates new NARRATOR!
Hi. I'm Steve.
That works!
CLIVE and LARRY vanish!
Um, okay, let's get this started......
EVERYONE used BEAT UP!
EVERYONE BEAT UP CHUCK NORRIS!
I never did that.
You have to admit, it feels right.
SOMEONE knocks on the DOOR to CLIVE HQ!
AZUSA: Oooh, I'll get it!
AZUSA opens door, only to find a HORDE of ZERG!
HYDRALISK: Excuse me, do you have any Grey Whoopass?
RICK: Face it, Doug, we can't think of anything catchy.
DOUG: SHUT UP, RICK.
,,, This is NOT good....
>> HAHAHAHAHA! THIS WILL BE CONTINUED! I'm screwing you, see? Now you have to wait for Larry vs. Clive and the huge three-army battle royale! Until then, read and review!
Battles 1-5
Date: December 7, 2001
Location: Viridian Tokyo
Player: Tatewaki Kuno [5-3-1] Last: Appearance in Mini-Fic One
Ah, what a magnificent city, a wonderous metropolis --
SUPERMAN flies by!
... No, we're in Tokyo.
... Uh... Oh. Okay.
Jeez, ir's my first day on the job, gimme a break.
God, a new Narrator? Why am I always stuck with them...? Where's Clive, anyway?
He and LARRY are locked DEEP in MORTAL KOMBAT!
Oh, really? Can I be Scorpion?
Nooooo, not the GAME...
The Movie? That was horrible...
IT WAS A METAPHOR!
Not a very good one.
Hold on - This WITTY BANTER must cease!
STEVE senses an ANCIENT and POWERFUL evil looming on the HORIZON!
That would be my sister, Kodachi.
KODACHI KUNO appeared!
KODACHI: Elder brother, I should have you disowned for that remark!
Uh, STEVE would hate to interrupt this squabble -- well, not really -- but what's this about?
CAPTAIN EXPOSITION appeared!
C. EXPO: Well, in the Anything Goes Martial Arts Stratego Match from way back in Battle Thirty-One, some Zerg destroyed the Stratego set -- This happened in Mini-Fic One -- and now he, along with his sister Kodachi, are on a quest to gain revenge. No need to thank me, for I am CAPTAIN EXPOSITION! WHOOSH!
C. EXPO ran away!
KODACHI: ...
... Actually we decided it would be better to simply go to Tokyo and buy a new set. But there isn't a single one in sight! This is an outrage!
STEVE had no idea that STRATEGO was a popular fad!
KODACHI: Oh, YEAH, it's very cool these days.
What kind of sick twisted freak would take every Stratego set in Tokyo?
MR. INSANE appeared!
INSANE: Obviously it is a vital component of some diabolic scheme TO RULE ALL OF MILTON-BRADLEY LAND AND BRAINWASH THE MASSES! NONE CAN RESIST WHOLESOME MILTON-BRADLEY FUN!
KODACHI: Okay, this is absurd...
Where does MR. INSANE get this stuff?
I'd rather not know. But that's beyond the point!
MR. INSANE: If you really want to find a Stratego set that badly, why don't you follow the yellow brick road to the gateway to other universes?
What are you jabbering about now, fool?
Uh, actually, he's right.
PORTALS exist in TOKYO!
That would explain a lot.
KODACHI: So, brother dear, do we find these portals... Or is it more shopping? We WOULD have to encounter those horrid dancing Santa displays again...
.... Oh god no....
You mean the ones who're just moving their HIPS to BAD MUSIC?
KODACHI: Correct.
...
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIND THE PORTALS.
MR. INSANE: And off we go, into the wild blue yonder, searching for wisdom and --
Who invited you? It's not like you...
MR. INSANE: Know the way? Of course! As the plucky comic relief, I know everything, or say I do at the very least! It's mostly false bravado but --
Fine, let's just go.
And so, the quest... uh.... happens. And stuff. I'm new at this, give me a break.
Date: December 20th, 2001
Location: Somewhere in Viridian Tokyo
Player: Tatewaki Kuno [5-3-1]
This has been taking forever! Art thou SURE thou knowest the way?
MR. INSANE: Of course! There shall be many perils on the way, however....
We've been walking around in circles! This is blasphemy!
MR. INSANE: They're very repetitive perils.
GROUP reaches PORTALS!
... What? We've been here seven hundred and eight times, and NOW it shows up? That makes no sense whatsoever.....
....
I know, I know. Viridian Version, never makes sense, etcetera.
GUARDIAN appeared!
... Hmm? And who might you be?
GUARDIAN: I am the almighty Samurai guardian of the portals, destined to defeat all who trespass on my grounds!
KODACHI: ... We've been here 708 times before....
GUARDIAN: THEN YOU SHALL DIEx708! I, TSUKINORI TANPEN, SHALL DEFEAT YOU!
KODACHI: ...
Wow, KUNO, there are TWO of YOU.
SILENCE, FOOL!
TSUKINORI wants to fight!
I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, PLEBIAN!
Player: Kodachi Kuno [No Record]
This could take quite a while.
MR INSANE: Indeed.
TSUKINORI: TAKE THIS! Rising dragon of fire upper headbutt slice of wisdom!
KUNO: .... What does THAT mean?
Okay, take my previous statement and multiply it by ten. We should probably just go and try to figure out how to open those stupid portals.
MR. INSANE: THEN OFF WE GO!
... Right.
Player: Tatewaki Kuno [5-3-1]
TSUKINORI used BLINKING DESTRUCTION JAB OF SWIFT UNBEARABLE PAIN!
.... Okay, how the heck am I supposed to make that a PUN?
Don't ask ME....TAKE THIS! MORTAL ATTACK! ONE MILLION SLASHES!
.... OUCH...
STEVE doesn't know what hurts more - the ATTACK or the DIALOGUE!
Critical hit!
Which, the attack or the dialogue?
Both!
TSUKINORI: And now I sing the death song of many unconscious samurai who suffer the same fate as I, in which --
TSUKINORI fainted!
Could you just... make the wretch go away?
TSUKINORI vanished!
Finally. So, I can open the portals now, right?
... The KEYS were with TSUKINORI.
Dear GOD. Where IS that fool now, anyway?
Location: Clive HQ
Player: Tsukinori Tanpen [0-1-0]
What is THIS?
UNDESCRIBABLE amounts of DAMAGE is being done to ALL THREE SIDES!
It matters not. COME, ALL YE FOOLS, AND FACE THE MIGHT OF TSUKINORI TANPEN!
EVERYONE glares at TSUKINORI and readies their WEAPONS!
... Bad idea....
Review both Battles 37 and 38 here. Aren't I efficient?
Date: February 1, 2002
Location: Very, Very High Up in the Air
Character: Kerripuffgirl [4-2-1]
Hmph! Why don't I get a catchy sounding title?
Yours isn't the WORST...
Oh, yeah? Name one title worse than this one.
"Battle 34 - Clive Hunt - Default Title".
Okay, okay, I get the point. Wait... I starred in THAT battle as well! What are you getting at, here?
Um.... that was a COINCIDENCE!
Oh, yeah, right. You know what? I was planning to kill you later, Clive...
STEVE.
Whatever. I was going to hunt down that guy who's controlling the Zerg currently, but I'm going to kick your rookie ass instead!
Oh, and how are you going to do that, LITTLE GIRL?
... I have an infinite number of superpowers, with which I could kill you in well over three million ways.
... STEVE forgot about THAT!
Well, no more ENDLESS LIST of SUPER-POWERS for YOU, YOUNG LADY!
KERRIPUFFGIRL was re-named KERRIGAN!
All right! Wait... I was flying a second ago.... AAAAAAAAAAH!
KERRIGAN used FALL!
KERRIGAN is PLUMMETING towards the ground at an insane rate!
Once again, my reply... AAAAAAAAAH!
KERRIGAN landed on a PILLOW TRUCK!
Whew...
... Um, no, KERRIGAN landed on the TRUCK, not the PILLOWS.
... Ow. I guess it was worth it to have my old body back, though. And... and this means...
Location: Clive HQ
Player: Azusa Shiratori [3-2-0]
EVERYONE is chasing after TSUKINORI TANPEN!
Yeah, 'cause he's a meanie!
... Ooookay.
Half of the ZERG stop and ATTACK the other half of the ZERG ARMY!
What's going on?
Um, KERRIGAN has her old BODY back....
Awww, I'm so happy for her!
DR. NEO: But she's gonna come after us and kill us!
VLMONSTER: She can still be happy.
DR. NEO: Hmm, this would mean that Kerrigan has control of half of the Zerg and someone else has control of the other half... I wonder who...?
Location: A Fortress Somewhere
Player: Mysterious Figure [1-0-0]
MONITOR: Sir! Kerrigan has her body back! What will we do?
Heh. Do I honestly look like I care? She has half of the Zerg, I have half. And once I eradicate her, I'll have them all. It's just that simple.
MONITOR: Ahhh, of course! You're so wise, sir!
Go on.
MONITOR: And powerful! Not only that, but you give good Christmas Bonuses as well!
How true.
MONITOR: And your room is always so clean!
... Wait, hold on, that's a bit odd...
MONITOR: And you're an excellent dancer!
... I almost never dance...
MONITOR: And you're telepathic, too!
... That's it.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE used DOUBLE-SLAP!
MONITOR: Whoa, where am I? Oh, I must have went into "Auto-Suck-up" for a second.
Wait a second... "Auto-Suck-up"?
MONITOR: Erm, that is... I mean, um... heh heh... Er... RUN AWAY!
MONITOR ran away!
... It's so hard to find good help these days...
>> Review here. Of course, you won't, but it's the thought that counts.
Date: February 10, 2002
Location: A House
Player: Jim [0-1-0]
... Why the hell is STEVE narrating for THIS guy when there's a HUGE WAR going on?
WEBMASTER: I have the flu, man. Do you really expect me to write something that'll impact the plot at all in this state?
.... Good point.
Hello? Can we get back to ME, the charismatic hero currently awaiting an impending endorsement deal with major sneaker companies?
JIM was a ONE-SHOT CHARACTER who got his ASS kicked by DOOMFRUIT back in Battle #20!
... That too.
... Um... so... What is JIM doing?
Well, um, nothing.
... Ookay....
I guess I could go to the store or something. Would that be exciting?
Not really... But it would be better than just lying around.
All right then.
JIM walks over to the DOOR!
JIM opens the DOOR!
... Um, thrilling.
JIM goes to the SCREEN DOOR, and pushes it open with the HANDLE!
Can JIM HANDLE the pressure?!?!?!?
...
...
What the hell does THAT mean?
Oh, screw this, this isn't going anywhere.
TSUKINORI TANPEN appeared!
Who the heck are you?
TSUKINORI TANPEN: I, the great Tsukinori Tanpen, warrior and gatekeeper for the forces of good, have been sent here to exterminate thee, as thou art even more a boring character than usual!
TSUKINORI strikes a DRAMATIC POSE!
Eep....
TSUKINORI wants to fight!
... I don't have anything to send out, though! So I can't battle, right? ... Right?
Sure JIM has something he can SEND OUT?
Oh? What?
HIMSELF!
JIM sent out JIM!
TSUKINORI sent out TSUKINORI!
All right then, take this! PUNCH!
JIM used PUNCH!
JIM drank some PUNCH!
Hey, that's pretty good!
PUNCH was SPIKED!
There is now a SPIKE in JIM'S THROAT!
Aaaaagh!
TSUKINORI used INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC SLASHING CRESCENT PANTHER BLADE OF INFINITE GODLY FURY!
Oh, come on, that's not gonna work.
The ATTACK is too CONFUSING to make a joke out of, so naturally it WORKS!
... SON OF A...
Not only that, but JIM is really boring STEVE!
Critical hit!
It's super effective!
JIM is half-dead!
Couldn't you just kill me now and get it over with?
STEVE wants to drag this out!
Oh, yeah? Well check THIS out! FLYING SUMO WRESTLER DANGEROUS SWORD SLASH OF BURNING ANGER!
Attack missed!
... What?
JIM doesn't have a SWORD!
... Oh, damn.
TSUKINORI, however, has MANY SWORDS!
... Oh dear god no.
TSUKINORI used HACKING SWORD SWIPE OF BLURRING!
Give me a break, here! Any competent Narrator could make a pun out of that!
STEVE could, but he's not gonna!
Critical hit!
JIM fainted, then is PUNTED over the HORIZON!
TSUKINORI is sent back to CLIVE HQ!
STEVE laughs maniacally!
Battle ended!
>> Review this incredibly meaningless battle here.