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>> MIDI Music

Battles 71-75: Darkness Resurging. In these battles, dark forces long forgotten surge forward once more - Isekai Ian and the Ugly Monkey Gang, Team Rocket, Facebook, Missingno., and the Huger.

<< Older | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | Newer >>

Malevolent forces collide.

Battle 71: Pyramid Punch-Out 9/29/2022
Location: Pyramid
Player: Isekai Ian [0-2-0] Last Battle: #66

SCHEMING PYRAMID appeared!
Oh sweet!
... NARRATOR would recommend NOT going to SCHEMING PYRAMID!
Nah. That has to be the Scheming Pyramid of Nya*lat-Hotep!
Cute eldritch mummy catgirls ahoy!
You're not stopping me, I'm going in!
... NARRATOR is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
... Ow...
... ISEKIAN ran away in NARRATOR's confusion!

Location: Inside the Pyramid

AXTRAP used DECAPITATE!
But, ISEKIAN wasn't wearing CAP!
AXTRAP's attack missed!
Woo! Close one.
... anyway, this has gotta be close to the tomb by now. Undead eldritch catgirl haremettes, here I come...
SARCOPHAGUS appeared!
ISEKIAN used KICK!
SARCOPHAGUS flew open!
UM RED appeared!
...
...
UM RED: ...
AAAAAAAAA!!!
That's not Nya*lat-Hotep at all! It's some hideous monkey monster!
UM RED: Hey, kid, you're no looker yourself, but I can smell your wallet!
UM RED: You lookin' to make a fortune?
... Oh. It's just a sidequest, okaaay.
Um... Yes!
UM RED: Stick with me, kid. Get me outta this pyramid and I'll give you a free sample of the next generation 'Nifty' inter-game-transferable items.
Wow! What a deal! I'm absolutely positive this'll work better than the first time!
UM RED: You'll do great, kid.
UM RED joined you!
Wow. That went off better than my last two missions.
...
POKéBATTLE can't end without BATTLE!
PYRAMID wants to fight!
Oh, shoot.
Enemy PYRAMID sent out BRICKS!
...I have a weapon for this!
Go, Mjolzuchi, Mythic Hammer of Fortunate Lightning Storms!
Get'm! OVERHYPED SQUEAKY MALLET!
...It's a first edition...
Ally UM RED sent out DIGITAL MINER!
Ally DIGITAL MINER used MINE!
MINES were laid in DIGITAL WORLD!
It doesn't affect enemy BRICKS...
Ha! Mjolzuchi, pound them to powder!
OVERHYPED SQUEAKY MALLET used POUND!
OVERHYPED SQUEAKY MALLET is worth £1!
... It was $450...
Wait, are pounds reverse yen!?
NO!
UM RED: Ah, don't worry about it kid, you'll make a good ~~sucker~~ friend...
Enemy BRICKS used BRICK!
DIGITAL MINER was fully BRICKed!
DIGITAL MINER died!
UM RED: !!!
UM RED's IMPOTENT RAGE is building!
UM RED's ATTACK fell!
... Uhh... Mjolzuchi, tap out a wish!
OVERHYPED SQUEAKY MALLET used TAP OUT WISH!
OVERHYPED SQUEAKY MALLET WISHes to TAP OUT!
OVERHYPED SQUEAKY MALLET's WISH was DENIED!
OVERHYPED SQUEAKY MALLET must FIGHT to the END!
Enemy BRICKS used BRICK BREAK!
Enemy BRICKS are BROKE!
UM RED snapped out of its IMPOTENT RAGE!
UM RED: Yooo. You need money? I'll give you a quick loan offer, this investment in my new digital currency scheme for your next paycheck and your soul.
UM RED used SWINDLE!
It's super effective!
Enemy BRICKS' SOUL was fully SWINDLED!
Enemy BRICKS joined UM RED!
Whew... What next...
Enemy PYRAMID is out of critical BRICKS!
Enemy PYRAMID greatly fell!
Oh shoot, we're still--
...On ISEKIAN and UM RED!
ISEKIAN fainted!
UM RED fainted!
PYRAMID fainted!
Battle ended in a draw!

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.

Additional plots develop. I should probably start keeping notes on what plotline's doing what...

Battle 72: Mechanical Museum Machinations 10/6/2022
Location: Robot Museum
Player: Dr. Wily [1-0-0] Last Battle: Battle #65

Just a little adjustment and...
DRWILY used FOCUS!
CAMERA was fully FOCUSED!
Behold, loyal viewers! It is I, the one and only, the soon to be conqueror of the world, Doctor Albert Wily!
Coming to you live from the Robot Museum, where the authorities inexplicably leave my robots and substantial components of their stages!
We're in the display case room now, stealing Gutsman once again!
GUTSMAN isn't here!
... what.
ROCKET EXECUTIVE appeared!
ROCKET EXECUTIVE: ... well, this is awkward.
Awkward? You're making off with my favorite Robot Master before I can do that!
I was going to make him into a tank and stick on a more powerful arm!
ROCKET EXECUTIVE: We just need a civil engineer...
Unacceptable! Robots are for taking over the world with, not... That!
DRWILY wants to fight!
ROCKET EXECUTIVE: ... if I must...
ROCKET EXECUTIVE wants to fight!
Enemy ROCKET EXECUTIVE sent out ARBOK!
Burst Man, get them!
Enemy ARBOK used WRAP!
Enemy ARBOK used WRAP on BURSTMAN!
Well that isn't redundant at all...
Burst Man, counter with Danger Wrap attack!
BURSTMAN used DANGER WRAP!
Enemy ARBOK's WRAP became more DANGEROUS!
BURSTMAN fainted from DANGER!
... You're definitely siding against me. It couldn't have endangered the snake?
NARRATOR is only BIASED against ISEKIAN and UM GROUP!
Send out which POKéMON?
...hmm... Rrr...
The enemy's a huge snake! Get'm RRR!
Uhh. Rrr?
What will RRR do?
Rrr, use ... Growl...
Enemy ARBOK used BITE!
RRR used GROWL!
Enemy ARBOK's ATTACK fell!
... On enemy ARBOK!
What? Enemy ARBOK is evolving!
Enemy ARBOK evolved into AROBOROS!
... It just bit its tail. You call that an evolution!?
Rrr! Show them how it's done! Evolve! I command you to evolve!
RRR used EVOLVE!
What? RRR is evolving!
Congratulations! Your RRR evolved into SSS!
But, enemy AROBOROS currently CAN'T HISS!
SSS fainted!
Well that just isn't fair.
Enemy AROBOROS used ROLLOUT!
Ah! It's a hoopsnake!
DRWILY was ROLLED OUT of ROBOT MUSEUM!
DRWILY ran away!
I didn't run away, I was rolled away!
DRWILY rolled away!

ROCKET EXECUTIVE: Ah, without that meddling scientist, we can proceed...
ROCKET EXECUTIVE: Moreau, Rocket, Grunt, capture those and bring them along...
DMOREAU used POKéBALL!
ROCKET GRUNT used POKéBALL!
ROCKET used POKéBALL!
Congratulations! ...

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.

My keyboard's J key is slightly broken. This hasn't been a particular problem for the most part and it still works - it just tends to duplicate the letter.

Battle 73: Into the Metaverse 10/13/2022
Setting: Reality (Watsonian) 90% / Reality (Doylist) 10%
Player: Jane F. Deer [lookup] Last Battle: Lookup

FACEBOOK appeared!
... What do you want.
FACEBOOK doesn't like you.
I don't like it either. It's a stalker.
FACEBOOK knows where you live.
That's why I don't like it.
FACEBOOK is coming to get you.
Bring it! Go, Phone!
JANE wants to fight!
Go! PHONE!
Enemy FACEBOOK sent out FACEBOOK!
Phone, use Privacy Block!
PHONE used PRIVACYBLOCK!
It's not very effective...
Of course it's not... Least it's not TikTok, I'd be surprised if it had any effect at all there...
Enemy FACEBOOK used REBRAND!
What? FACEBOOK is evolving!
Eh?
Congratulations! Enemy FACEBOOK evolved into META!
... Wow. How amazing. Like putting lipstick on a pig...
Enemy META withdrew META!
Enemy META sent out FACEBOOK!
PHONE used LIPSTICK ON A PIG!
... MISS PIGGY appeared!
... Oooh, you're gonna get it now...
MISS PIGGY used KARATE CHOP!
Critical hit!
What? Enemy FACEBOOK is devolving!
Congratulations! Enemy FACEBOOK devolved into BOOK!
Enemy BOOK fainted!
MISS PIGGY ran away!
Yeah, see, that's what I expected... She took its face clean off.
Enemy META is angry!
Enemy META sent out METAVERSE!
... But, it failed!
Haaa... Imagine spending a couple billion on a glorified chat-room game, and ending up with something absolutely nobody uses...
JANE used VICIOUS MOCKERY!
It's super effective!
META: =,(
Enemy META'S ACCURACY fell!
... Accuracy?
DISADVANTAGE on next ATTACK ROLL, ACCURACY fell, same difference!
Enemy META used META!
... HIBER appeared!
HIBER: Oi, only I'm allowed to do meta gags here.
HIBER used KEYBOARD SMASHL,.KM/;CXVB,BMGH
What thdfsysdgrtdgk,.imlj;klhuygjd

HIBR: And don't you forgt it... Oh my gosh, my and kys ar brokn...
HIBR ran away to gt NW KYBOARD!
... is it gon?...
... YS!
Whw... What about Mta?
nmy MTA faintd! Us nxt POKéMON?
Hy, how com you can say "é?"
HIBER: That's because I type it with ALT+0233...
HIBER: Blame Matt, I'm sure I learned it off Flame Version...
HIBER: Anyway this battle's late anyway, congratulations, you win.
Wait, but-
JANE won!

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.

If anyone actually knows what the Huger is, I'll be shocked...

Battle 74: The Huger Games 10/20/2022
Location: Airstrip 12, Dystopia
Player: Catnip Ethylene [No Record]

DYSTOPIA wants to fight!
... The whole thing? Against me?
No!
DYSTOPIA wants to fight ally AIRSTRIP12!
Ah, well there's nothing I can do about that.
Enemy DYSTOPIA sent out HUGERGAME!
Enemy HUGERGAME demands TRIBUTE!
... this is just gonna end up with them trying to kidnap my dog or my sister or something for it, isn't it...
Fine I volunteer as the tribute.
Enemy DYSTOPIA: ...
Enemy DYSTOPIA: ... Okay, we can work with that...

Location: On a Train

THEODORIC: Do. Do you know what the Huger Games are.
Let me guess, I have to fight to the death against two champions each from every other airstrip?
THEODORIC: No, you get fed to the Huger.
...Wait, What?
HUSKARL appeared!
THEODORIC: The tributes get fed to the Huger.
THEODORIC: Normally you'd tribute, like, 200 each of food, wood, gold, and stone or something.
Uhhh... Okay then.
Well, guess that beats dying in a darn dirt mine at 35 because Dystopia doesn't give us protective gear. Dang.
HUSKARL appeared!
THEODORIC: ... Anyway...
THEODORIC: The Huger won't attack you itself.
THEODORIC: It'll sic its Fireworms on you until you're cooked well done, then snap you up like Cheese Steak Jimmy's.
THEODORIC's FOOD greatly rose!
HUSKARL appeared!
HUSKARL appeared!
HUSKARL appeared!
Uhh... Aren't things getting a bit ... crowded?
THEODORIC: Oh don't worry about it, we make walls out of them.
THEODORIC: Anyway, you have a bow, right? They say that in case of emergeny, ten arrows will kill the Huger.
THEODORIC: Only arrows work, nothing else.
Well that's certainly convenient...
HUSKARL appeared!
TRAINCAR is full of HUSKARLs!
TRAIN arrived!
HUSKARLS poured out!
Finally--

Location: Huger's Lair
HUGER wants to fight!
That is one big crab... Go me I guess...
Go! CATNIP!
Enemy HUGER sent out FIRESNAKES!
FIRESNAKE1: Jesus loooves you...!
FIRESNAKE2: We love you too...!
FIRESNAKE1: Come give us a hug...!
Whoo, no, they're on fire. Dodge!
FIRESNAKES used MOMENTUM RUSH!
FIRESNAKES' attack missed!
Right, so, ten arrows, right...? Piece of cake.
CATNIP used RAPID SHOT!
Hit 5 times!
Enemy FIRESNAKES used MOMENTUM RUSH!
Woah! Watch out!
Enemy FIRESNAKES kept going and crashed!
... GAME!
GAME was frozen solid!

HIBER: I swear...
HIBER used FLAMETHROWER!
Fire defrosted Ally GAME!
GAME was instantly frozen solid!
HIBER: My word it's an infinite loop...
HIBER: ... Jesus did not die for your sins against good programming style...
HIBER used REFACTOR!
Enemy FIRESNAKES was fully REturned to FACTORy!
HIBER: That's a forced pun but it progresses the battle...
HIBER ran away!

Ah! Where did the fireworms go!
HUGER: Ah... This is awkward.
Enemy HUGER sent out HUGER!
HUGER: I can't eat my meals raw. Would you mind cooking yourself? I'm sure you'd be delicious...
... Screw that!
CATNIP used MANYSHOT!
Hit 4 times!
...Aaaand I somehow managed to miss one.
CATNIP is out of usable ARROWS!
CATNIP whiI swear if you white me out I'm going to scream-
Anyway!
It's gotta be at low HP, right? I'm using a PokéBall!
HUGER: That's terribly rude. You're supposed to either get eaten or shoot me. What would it do to our ratings?
I don't care about that! I'm winning this game!
CATNIP used POKé BALL!
1... 2... 3...
Congratulations! Enemy HUGER was caught!
Okay, now I have a giant enemy crab thing, let's get out of here...

There's some additional commentary hidden in the HTML comments, which I need to do more often.
If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.

Steve works as a pollster. In Hell.
As it turns out this changes very little.

Battle 75: Office Oddities 10/27/2022
Setting: Game 45% / Reality 40% / Network 15%
Player: Steve "Darksteve" Simmons [Lookup] Last Battle: Lookup

PHONE: ..........
STEVE used WAIT!
It's super boring!
Sigh...
You know, it's really surprising how little has changed. Like, I know we're all supposedly dead and in Hell but, like, it happened to the whole version.
Even my frickin' job came along. We had like a week off while the big wigs figured stuff out and then it's back to the grind.
Only difference is that I'm pretty sure some of our clients are demons trying to gauge the efficacy of their ... I don't know, sin campaigns or whatever.
And they still manage to be less annoying than some of the political ones, like the darn-
PHONE: BEEP!
Wild RESPONDENT appeared!
Hi I'm Steve from Sketchy Research, we're conducting a short telephone survey. We're conducting a survey regarding state and local issues. For quality control purposes-
Wild RESPONDENT ran away!
Yeah that's about what I expected.
Wild RESPONDENT appeared!
Hi, I'm Steve from Sketchy Research--
HUSKARL appeared!
We're conducting a short telephone survey regarding--
HUSKARL appeared!
State and local issues. For quality control purposes this call may be--
HUSKARL appeared!
RESPONDENT: Sorry, gotta dash, Edward Longshanks is spamming longbowmen!
RESPONDENT ran away!
Was that... Never mind.
Oh my gosh it's been like an hour though. If this keeps up I swear I'll start dropping mind tricks on them.
PHONE: ..........
PHONE: ...,....m.
PHONE: .g.h^%w$--
Wild MISSING NO. appeared!
Oh heck no-
Go, Cloyster...!?
Go! CLOYSTER!
Enemy MISSING NO. used LEVELUP!
Enemy MISSING NO. grew to level 85!
!!
It's low level! Cloyster, Toxic!
CLOYSTER used TOXIC!
CLOYSTER made enemy MISSING NO. play LEGION OF LEGS!
It's super toxic!
Maaaan, that's rough...
Enemy MISSING NO. flinched!
Enemy MISSING NO. was badly poisoned!
Enemy MISSING NO.'s RAGE is building!
Enemy MISSING NO.'s WILL TO LIVE greatly fell!
... Great! Now, follow up with a Clamp!
Enemy MISSING NO. used LIQUID SHIELD!
But, LIQUID VERSION is mostly LOST!
Enemy MISSING NO.'s SHIELD was LIQUIDATED!
CLOYSTER used CLAMP!
Enemy MISSING NO.'s LEVEL was fully CLAMPed!
Range: 25-75
... Oh wow. Are we actually winning this? This seems too good to be true...
COWORKER appeared!
COWORKER: Yo, Steve, did you hear there's an outbreak of low level Missing No. lately? I didn't even know they came online before level 100!
I am fighting one right now--
COWORKER: Oh man, really? I gotta tweet about this.
Dude, be careful. Haven't you heard what happened with the gossip guy over in Sandy--
COWORKER: Oh man, that is some juicy stuff, I gotta read about this...
... Anyway! Cloyster, use Filter!
CLOYSTER used FILTER!
Enemy MISSING NO. was FILTERed of GARBAGE!
...DATA!
Enemy MISSING NO. is in critical condition!
Woo, now just gotta use the PokéBall and--
COWORKER: Dude I can't believe this, like, the rumors say over in Sandy Version the office gossip dude evolved into a monster and started eating people's brains!
COWORKER: Can you believe that?
Not important right now!
COWORKER: Say, you heard any other juicy gossip? ... Actually, your brain is starting to look pretty delicious--
What--
What?
... What?
Enemy COWORKER is evolving!
...EEHHH?!
Congratulations! Enemy COWORKER evolved into GOSSLORD!
... yeah okay that's it I'm taking PTO. Or contacting OSHA. Or both. Nopenopenopenope-
DARKSTEVE ran away!
...
Enemy GOSSLORD is looking HUNGRILY at enemy MISSING NO.!
Enemy MISSING NO. ran away!
Battle ended in a draw!

Gosslord is owned by Stephen (haunter_uk) of Sandy Version.
If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.

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