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Color Key: Narration / Dialogue
Latest battles:
Color key: Narration / Dialogue
Battle #159: Anonymous Room April 21, 2004
Location: An anonymous hotel room
Player: Luke Skywalker [Record: 2-3-3]
Parodies: Memento, Star Wars, Friends Season 2, Wave Version, Crocodile Dundee
...awake.
I'm in a hotel room. Just an anonymous hotel room.
I think maybe it's the first time I've been here but… probably not.
Am I missing a kidney?
...nope.
Where am I?
YOU are in a HOTEL ROOM!
Yes, clearly I needed a booming voice to inform me of that.
NARRATOR is GLAD to be of HELP!
Wait, I remember now… I was dead, wasn't I? I remember… I lived in the Land of the Dead. Or rather, I didn't live in the Land of the Dead.
But now I am… alive?
MORE like UNDEAD, but THAT is the NEXT BEST THING!
That would explain my lack of a heartbeat. Still, I look pretty good for an undead guy. No rotting flesh. Do my Jedi powers still work?
LUKE used THE FORCE!
LUKE was FORCED to FALL OUT OF BED!
Still works like a charm.
CHARM appeared!
CHARM used WORK!
CHARM WORKED itself to DEATH on a MINIMUM-WAGE SALARY while TRYING to SUPPORT a FAMILY OF EIGHT!
CHARM died!
Narrator, remember that talk we had about you taking puns too far?
Awww shucks, NARRATOR can't have ANY fun…
Now, if only I could remember how I got here…
MUFFLED SOUNDS are EMANATING from the CLOSET!
Emanating?
NARRATOR has WORD OF THE DAY TOILET PAPER!
That's horrifying on at least three different levels.
SOUNDS are getting LOUDER!
Alright alright, geez… what is this, Wave Version? Let's see what all the commotion is about.
LUKE used THE FORCE!
CLOSET DOOR was FORCED to OPEN!
BOUND AND GAGGED MAN with a BROKEN NOSE is SITTING in the CLOSET making MUFFLED SOUNDS!
Well, there's something you don't see everyday.
NARRATOR actually DOES see this EVERY DAY!
Hey, whatever floats your boat Narrator.
YOU better HOPE that YOUR BOAT FLOATS the NEXT TIME you're SAILING the HIGH SEAS!
Maybe I should unbound this guy and see what he has to say for himself.
LUKE's BIND wore off!
What? BOUND AND GAGGED MAN is evolving!
BOUND AND GAGGED MAN evolved into GAGGED MAN!
GAGGED MAN ran away!
Upon further reflection, I should have removed the gag instead of releasing the guy.
Location: An anonymous hotel room, 10 minutes earlier
Hey, a mini bar!
LUKE SKYWALKER used THE S'MORES!
Delicious! But why can't I remember anything from before finding this minibar…? Wait, why am I alive?
UNBOUND AND UNGAGGED MAN appeared!
Hey, what're you doing in my hotel room?
UNBOUND AND UNGAGGED MAN: Your hotel room?
UNBOUND AND UNGAGGED MAN wants to fight!
You have no idea who you're dealing with buddy.
UNBOUND AND UNGAGGED MAN sent out KNIFE!
You call that a knife? This is a knife.
Go! KNIFE LIGHT SABER!
UNBOUND AND UNGAGGED MAN: Crap.
Yes, and that's exactly what you'll be doing in a moment… in your pants.
AFFLECK: I told you, I'm not putting on any pants.
Stay out of this Affleck. I don't even know what you're doing here.
AFFLECK: You said you needed my help! You know, I've had more rewarding friendships than this. Although, I do get to keep telling the same jokes…
UNBOUND AND UNGAGGED MAN used STAB!
Oh hey, I'm under attack. Knife Saber, break his nose!
KNIFE LIGHT SABER used JEDI BREAK!
UNBOUND AND UNGAGGED MAN's NOSE no longer FUNCTIONS!
Alright, now to bind and gag him!
LUKE used BIND!
LUKE used GAG!
AFFLECK: Well, my work is done. See ya later Luke.
Wait, I--
AFFLECK ran away!
--I guess I'll stuff this guy in the closet for now.
Wow, that was exhausting. How long has it been since I've slept?
Maybe a quick nap…
LUKE fell asleep!
NARRATOR played the POKé FLUTE!
LUKE woke up!
...awake.
I'm in a hotel room. Just an anonymous hotel room.
Location: An anonymous hotel room, 10 minutes earlier
Okay Affleck, remind me again why we're breaking into this anonymous hotel room? Because I keep forgetting.
AFFLECK: You realize this is like the tenth time I've had to explain it.
Have you also explained ten times why you're not wearing pants?
AFFLECK: I am not putting on pants and that's that.
Okay, so why are we here?
AFFLECK: The guy who's staying here knows the reason why you can't make new memories. Also he holds the secret for curing your condition.
And we're breaking into his hotel room.
AFFLECK: He's not a good guy. He'll probably try to hurt you.
I would think so, what with the breaking and entering and all.
AFFLECK: Listen, I'm getting tired of explaining the whole thing over and over again. Trust me, okay?
Do not believe his lies.
AFFLECK: What?
Hmm? Oh, nothing. Let's see what we got here.
LUKE attempts to FORCE the LOCK!
But, it failed!
Darn door.
AFFLECK: Luke buddy, you might want to try using the force.
Ah, novel idea.
LUKE used THE FORCE!
LOCK was successfully FORCED!
DOOR swung open!
Hmm, looks fairly empty… I guess he's not here.
AFFLECK: So now we must play the waiting game.
Indeed.
Hey, a mini bar!
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #159
Battle #158: False Start April 14, 2004
Location: A Randomly Generated Wheat Field
Player: Yor Mahm [No Record]
Parodies: Gigli, Outlaw Star
Woah… woooah hold on just a second there.
WHAT is the PROBLEM?
Listen, floating red voice thing, when you ripped me out of my home on earth and threw me into this world, it might have upset me just a little.
NARRATOR is FULLY AWARE of how UPSET you are!
So maybe, just maybe, I was being less than honest with you earlier.
WHAT are you TALKING about SPECIFICALLY!
When you asked me what my name was, and I answered by saying "your mom!", I didn't actually mean that was my name.
NARRATOR would like to know if YOR MAHM has a point!
Could you please change my name to Bill? I'd be a lot more comfortable with Bill.
Quite FRANKLY, NARRATOR doesn't SEE that HAPPENING!
What, so I'm doomed to be known as Yor Mahm for eternity because I made one little sarcastic remark?
By the TIME this UNIVERSE is THROUGH with you, THAT will be the LEAST of your CONCERNS!
I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what is that supposed to mean?
GIGLIPUFF appeared!
Times like this I wish I weren't a visual learner. So what the hell is that again?
GIGLIPUFF: AFFLECK! Ask about it at work.
At work, eh? You'll have to send me back to Earth for that.
GIGLIPUFF: This is your earth now.
What are you?
GIGLIPUFF: I am myself. But it is inappropriate for me to subjectively define who I am. Ask AFFLECK!
The guy who I'm supposed to ask about at work.
GIGLIPUFF: Yes.
So answer me something, magic-8 puffball…
GIGLIPUFF: Only if you never call me that again.
You tell me to ask Affleck who you are. But to figure out where Affleck is I must first ask about him at work. However, my place of work is now apparently in another universe. How, then, can I ever know what you are?
GIGLIPUFF: ...um. I don't enjoy logical fallacies.
Furthermore, if I go back in time and kill my grandfather, how will I ever be born? And if I am never born, how can I go back in time and kill my grandfather?
GIGLIPUFF explodes!
Never underestimate the power of a logical fallacy.
BEN AFFLECK appeared!
Oh hey, I was supposed to ask about you.
AFFLECK: Go ahead, ask.
So. Uhh… what about… you?
AFFLECK: Word, yo. Microsoft Word.
...why aren't you wearing pants?
AFFLECK: Real men don't wear pants.
Pardon me for saying so, Mr. Affleck sir, but I think that's precisely what real men do.
AFFLECK: Hey uhh… you haven't seen a giant beachball-like object calling itself Giglipuff wandering around, have you?
Can't say that I have.
AFFLECK: Oh that's good… that thing will rip you to shreds without thinking twice. Be careful out here.
I'll try to remember that.
AFFLECK: I mean I'd take care of it myself but-- hey, what's that?
GIGLIPUFF SHARD appeared!
Oh, that. I sort of killed Giglipuff a few minutes ago.
AFFLECK: You told me you hadn't seen it!
No, I said I couldn't say I'd seen it.
AFFLECK: Wow, you're a real piece of work aren't you.
I bet you're afraid of the monsters under your bed, too.
AFFLECK: I'm man enough to admit that I am. More than that though, I'm afraid of this kid who comes into my room late at night trying to catch all the monsters under my bed.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD would like to battle!
Battle?
AFFLECK: See, now you've gone and angered the Giglipuff shard. I hope you're satisfied.
I won't be satisfied until you put on some pants.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD: Hellloooo… evil rabid shard of a Giglipuff here…
Not now, shard. The grown-ups are talking about grown-up things.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD: Awwww… I never get to do anything fun…
Maybe when you're a little older.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD: Where do babies come from?
AFFLECK: That came out of nowhere.
Well you see, when a man loves a woman very much, he plays Monopoly with her and--
AFFLECK: Hey! Little Shardie isn't old enough yet for you to explain things like that to him!
Affleck, we've been over this countless times! As long as you're not wearing pants, the credibility of anything you say is seriously lessened.
Is the NARRATOR the ONLY ONE HERE who has NO IDEA what's going ON ANYMORE?
Well see, it all began with Affleck's pants. He--
GIGLIPUFF SHARD leaps UP and DECAPITATES BEN AFFLECK!
…
AFFLECK: …
Holy crap.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD would like to battle!
Must we go through this formality?
GIGLIPUFF SHARD isn't KIDDING this time!
Alright, FINE--I send out a television remote control.
...WHAT?
You heard me. Go! TELEVISION REMOTE CONTROL!
WHY the HELL would YOU send out a TELEVISION REMOTE CONTROL against a GIGLIPUFF SHARD? If SOMETHING doesn't START making SENSE SOON, NARRATOR is going HOME!
Yep, it's a totally bizarre thing to do. You could almost call it a complete logical fallacy.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD: Dammit.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD exploded!
This world isn't so tough. I think I could do well here, despite my name.
GIGLIPUFF SHARD SHARD: Excuse me…
...siigh.
Meanwhile, back on earth…
"hey kasparov." Lani waved.
"Hello, Lani," Kasparov leaned back in his chair after finishing writing the fifth anniversary battle, "What brings you here?"
"i just wanted to make sure you remembered," said Lani. Kasparov frowned.
"Remember what?"
"you remembered to recreate the land of the dead before you recreated red version,right?" Lani blinked. Kasparov's eyes widened.
"What happens if I forgot?" asked the suddenly worried Chess master. Lani only blinked in reply, then left before Kasparov could say goodbye.
Elsewhere, in Red Version…
AFFLECK's HEAD: Hello? Is anyone out there? I'm very badly wounded and I need help. Hello? I'm… I'm still alive but in a great deal of pain...
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #158
Battle #157: Teh Sexay January 1, 2004
Location: A Romantic Forested Area
Player: James from Team Rocket [Record: 7-9-0]
Parodies: Gigli, Doublemint Gum
Jessie… I don't know how to tell you this but… I'm in love with you.
JESSIE: What the-?
I know this is kind of a shock and all, but…
JESSIE: I'll say. You're into women?
You know those sarcastic remarks hurt me, Jessie.
JESSIE: I only do it to mask my true feelings for you, James.
You… you mean?
JESSIE: Yes. I truly feel that we are meant to be…
To be…
JESSIE: Bitter rivals. Sorry James, I just don't find you attractive.
Nooooooo...
Player: Ben Affleck [No Record]
What the-?
YOU have just been SUCKED IN to the POKé BATTLES UNIVERSE!
You couldn't have picked a worse time to change universes on me.
NARRATOR notes that BEN AFFLECK isn't WEARING any PANTS and is HOLDING a COPY of GIGLI on DVD!
This isn't what it looks like.
REALLY? Because it LOOKS like YOU aren't WEARING any PANTS and are HOLDING a DVD of the WORST MOVIE you EVER MADE!
Well, it is that, but--
JAMES: Hey Jessie, you think we should clue this guy in?
What-- who are you?
JAMES: Prepare for trouble…
JESSIE: And make it Doublemint Gum…
JAMES: The new proud sponsor of…
JESSIE: Team Rocket! Prepare to fight!
JAMES: I don't like this new motto.
JESSIE: We gotta pay the bills somehow James. We get a cool twenty every time we mention Doublemint Gum.
JAMES: What bills? All we do is wander around terrorizing people. I don't even think we have homes.
I hate to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not terrorized.
JAMES: "Burst your bubble"? What is that?
JESSIE: Don't use figures of speech like that in this world! It's dangerous!
What-?
BUBBLE appeared!
JAMES: AAAAAAH!! TAKE COVER!!
Could someone please explain--
BUBBLE used BURST!
NUCLEAR EXPLOSION rocks the COUNTRYSIDE!
Woah… good thing there was a tree between us and the bubble.
JAMES: Oh yeah, those trees can withstand anything.
TREE: HAHAHAHA! I CANNOT BE DEFEATED SO EASILY, FOOLS!
Uh oh.
JAMES: Don't worry about the tree. He may be indestructible, but he can't move.
TREE: FATE IS CRUEL.
So, am I stuck here forever?
JAMES: Probably. Some people have crossed worlds but they tend to wind up dead.
Well, is this place any good?
JAMES: Not really. I mean, it's a better place to live than Aqua Version, but compared to where you come from, it's hell.
Fantastic. Well, at least you have good-looking women. What's the chick's name again?
JESSIE: It's Jessie.
Alright then. You wanna go somewhere a little more… private?
JESSIE: Private?
JAMES: That's enough, Affleck. Jessie's mine, she just doesn't realize it yet.
Hogwash! I'm Ben Affleck, I can have whoever I want.
JAMES: Maybe that's how it worked in your little heaven of a world, but here, you have to battle to get what you want.
Bring it on.
JAMES wants to fight!
JAMES sent out SLAKOTH!
What the-?
JAMES: That's right, I've got a Pokémon! What do you got, Affleck?
Well, I'll just fashion my pants into a crude--
YOU aren't WEARING any PANTS!
Damn!
BEN AFFLECK must SEND OUT a POKéMON!
I guess I have no choice… get'm GIGLI!
Go! GIGLI!
JAMES: Oh, this oughta be good.
You'd be surprised. GIGLI, use your SUCK attack!
NARRATOR is HORRIFIED by the IMPLICATIONS of the POSSIBLE PUNS!
JAMES: Get that thing the hell away from me.
I may be dumb, but I ain't stupid. If the Narrator wants to keep this battle PG, it'll have to interpret my attack as a non-pun!
GIGLI SUCKS! … as IN, it IS a SUCKY MOVIE!
ATTACK had no effect!
Wow, I should have thought that strategy all the way through.
JAMES: Slakoth! Use your Slack attack!
SLAKOTH used SLACK!
SLAKOTH is loafing around!
So… nothing, then.
YOU are LUCKY that JAMES is as INCOMPETENT a TRAINER as YOU ARE!
Very well then. I'll throw the Gigli DVD at Slakoth like a ninja star in an attempt to decapitate it.
GIGLI used SPINNING DEATH ATTACK!
SLAKOTH lost its head!
SLAKOTH's SPECIAL harshly fell!
JAMES: So that's where 'special' comes from.
Wow, look at all that blood.
JAMES: Well, I gotta fly. Toodles!
JAMES blasted off again!
Well Jessie, I guess that just leaves the two of us.
JESSIE: It'll never work, Affleck.
Shut up and kiss me.
AFFLECK used LOVELY KISS!
AUDIENCE: Wooooooooooo!
...the hell was that?
JESSIE: Shut up and make love to me!
Now that's more like it!
BEN AFFLECK takes off its CLOTHES!
Uhh.. Is that booming voice going to announce everything I do?
JESSIE: In nauseating detail.
MOLE on BEN AFFLECK's BUTT is QUITE STRIKING!
JESSIE: What's wrong Ben? You look a little… not very excited.
I'm feeling kinda… exposed here.
JESSIE: Like I told you… it'll never work. Sorry Affleck.
JESSIE ran away!
Sigh… I guess it's just you and me now, Gigli DVD.
What? GIGLI is evolving!
Well it couldn't very well devolve, now could it?
GIGLI evolved into GIGLIPUFF!
HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT IS THAT??
GIGLIPUFF: GIGLI GIGLI GIGLI PUFF PUFF PUFF DOOM DOOM DOOM!
To be continued...
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #157
Battle #156: Ancient Tactics November 11, 2003
Location: World Video Boxing Association
Player: Little Mac [Record: 0-1-0]
Parodies: Punch Out, Star Wars
Woohoo! Against all odds I've battled my way up the ranks of the World Video Boxing Association! Now I can finally face off against Soda Popinski!
DOC: You're about to be killed.
You know, for a couch, you're awfully unsupportive.
DOC: ...did you just call me a couch?
Uhm.
DOC: Listen, kid. Soda Popinski is a mean Russian with a terrible temper. If I were you, I'd change your tactics.
What do you mean?
DOC: I mean dirty fighting.
But they specifically told me before the match "Let's keep it clean, now come out boxing!"
DOC: Are you really going to take a boxing association seriously when they're using Mario as a referee?
MARIO: It's-a-me! mArIo! You've been'a knocked out!
You know you have a point there.
DOC: Alright now, come here and listen closely. When he psst psst…
FIVE MINUTES LATER…
MARIO: Let'sa keep it clean… now come out boxing!
I really wish he'd stop saying that.
DOC: Don't forget what I told you, Mac!
SODA POPINSKI: I can't drive, so I'm going to walk all over you!
MARIO: Fight!
I sure hope these ancient "Poké Battle" tactics work.
I CHOOSE YOU, KADABRA!
Go! KADABRA!
SODA POPINKSI: WTF?
Kadabra, he's a fighting-type! Use your PSYCHIC attack!
SODA POPINSKI: You little wimp. Come out from behind that thing and fight me like a man!
KADABRA used PSYCHIC!
It's super effective!
Yes! It's working, Doc!
Mario: I said'a keep it clean. You've'a hurt my feelings.
MARIO runs OFF to do some SHROOMS!
SODA POPINSKI: Why does my brain hurt??
Nothing personal, Mr. Popinski. But I really want to win the championship and you are sort of standing in my way.
SODA POPINSKI: If you want to fight dirty, two can play at that game--
Only if you've got a link cable.
SODA POPINSKI: SHUT UP! Roooaaaaarrrrr…
What? SODA POPINSKI is evolving!
SODA POPINSKI evolved into VODKA DRUNKINSKI!
What the-?
VODKA DRUNKINSKI: Now feel my wrath!!
Foe VODKA DRUNKINSKI is getting pumped!
...foe?
NARRATOR has been UPGRADED to RUBY/SAPPHIRE DIALECT!
Uhm, any other changes I should be aware of?
Not REALLY! Saying FOE instead of ENEMY is JUST ABOUT IT!
That's a relief.
GROMMENDORF! PAIN became fully FELTED!
…!
Just KIDDING!
Kadabra, Psychic again!
KADABRA used PSYCHIC!
It doesn't affect foe VODKA DRUNKINSKI!
What? Why isn't it working now?
VODKA DRUNKINSKI: My evolved form is immune to Psychic attacks. Unless you evolve your Kadabra into an Alakazam, you're screwed.
You wouldn't know how to do that, would you?
VODKA DRUNKINSKI: The only way is to trade it with someone. Here, I'll trade you my bottle of "soda" for it. Then it'll become an Alakazam.
Sounds good. Here you go.
LITTLE MAC traded KADABRA!
LITTLE MAC received "SODA"!
Mmm… "Soda" …
What? KADABRA is evolving!
KADABRA evolved into ALAKAZAM!
Great! Now trade it back to me and we can continue.
VODKA DRUNKINSKI: …
ALAKAZAM: …
Uh oh.
ROUND ONE ended!
You gotta help me, Doc!
DOC: Little Mac, you're as stupid as you are weak. Not even I can help you now.
VODKA DRUNKINSKI: I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared.
My only hope now is if he passes out from all the "soda" he's been drinking.
DOC: Wait, what did you just say?
I said maybe he'll pass out from all the "soda" he's been drinking.
DOC: Little Mac, you've got it! You're a genius!
Do you have an idea?
DOC: No, I'm just saying you're right. That's your only shot.
Oh.
...well, that burned some lines, didn't it?
DOC: hmm?
Never mind. Let's get this over with.
SUPER MARIO: Fight!
Hey Vodka! I have uhh… some vodka for you!
VODKA DRUNKINSKI: So? I only drink "soda".
Great.
Foe ALAKAZAM used BEAT-DOWN!
Beat down?
You were HORRIBLY BEATEN!
JUST like you ALWAYS ARE!
Nooooo… is this the end of my boxing career?
YOU'LL be LUCKY if this ISN'T the END of your LIFE!
Actually the pain is so great now that I kind of want to die…
FAR BE IT from the NARRATOR to DENY such a noble WISH!
LITTLE MAC died!
Ahh… the pain is gone.
Location: The Land of the Dead
Wha… where am I?
THIS is where all the DEAD CHARACTERS must LIVE for ETERNITY!
So, when you die you live forever, only here?
...THAT makes this PLACE sound very STUPID, but YES!
Great. So who's here?
JAR-JAR BINKS appeared!
Oh hell.
JAR-JAR BINKS: Meesa no wantin' to meetcha.
Did he just say he doesn't want to meet me?
JAR-JAR BINKS: Meesa be wantin' to beetcha.
You… want to beat me?
JAR-JAR BINKS proceeds to BEAT YOU DOWN!
Yeah well my boxing training will OWW! What the-? Aaarrghhh the paaaiiin… why does this always happen to meeee…
LITTLE MAC is a LOSER!
LITTLE MAC will always BE a LOSER!
EVEN in DEATH!
Now SUFFER, LITTLE MAC! SUFFER!
*sob*
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!
>> View/Post Comments on Battle #156
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