Poké Battles: Foxfire Version
Foxfire Version: Official Battles

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Battles 11-15 were a mixture of sequels and new character introductions, and contained more hints as to my actual plans for a plot for this thing. Also, a good bit more Star Wars. I like Star Wars.

<< Tournament 1 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | Newer >>


This battle introduces a new character following a brief cameo in the tournament, a suitably deranged pastiche of the old hardboiled detective commonly seen in film noir and thriller / mystery novels. He is one of the few characters able to leave a battle more aqua than red. He also isn't the most reliable narrator.

Battle #11: Hard Boiled August 5, 2021
Location: Crime Scene, Vermillion City Dockyard
Player: Sam Excavator, Private Investigator [No Record]


The tenderloin sky was as dark as an overdone hamburger, and the air smelled just as burned.
The body didn't give me much to go on, but it was as plain as a day in the Swiss Alps what had happened.
Some gorilla had folded the poor mickey's spine into an accordion and played the hard polka on him with brass knuckles. Maybe it was family business, maybe it was just a private grudge, but either way the bloke was so smashed up it was hard to make head or tail of him.
Suddenly I heard the sound of footsteps coming up behind me.

Enemy RATICATE appeared!
It was a big, mean looking sewer rat, with a look like I'd just made its mother into Sunday dinner - and it was about to return the favor.
Naturally I couldn't let it anywhere near the stiff. Or me. So I whipped out the trusty six-shooter I had under my coat and lit the big rodent up.

Go! SIXSHOOTER!
SIXSHOOTER used LIGHT UP!
The room was lit up!
With the light from my gat's muzzle flash I noticed two things.
The rat's paws were bloody, like a wolf's mouth fresh from the kill.
And it wasn't alone.

Enemy ROCKET appeared!
There was a lean-and-hungry looking man in a cheap suit with a big letter "R" splashed on it like a sports team logo, and a bullwhip like he'd just gotten out of a private club.
I hoped it was a riding club.

ROCKET: ...It's just part of the uniform. We use it to keep our Pokémon in line.
ROCKET: Not that you're gonna be here very long. I'm on the cleanup crew.
ROCKET: Also, why are you talking to yourself...
NARRATOR agrees!
Of course they wouldn't understand. They haven't seen the things I've seen or lived in the places I've lived.
They say not to judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.
There's a reaeson for that. And my shoes are size nineteen.

ROCKET: Oh, he's just nuts... Makes my job easier, I guess. Raticate, use Super Fang!
Enemy RATICATE used SUPER FANG!
It's super effective!
The angry sewer rat chewed up my poor gat and tossed it straight in the drink. Then it came at me with its teeth bared.
I knew I only had one shot left - the slug of brandy I kept for real hard times and Saturday nights. I pulled it out and got ready to give the rat a taste of good old-fashioned American moonshine, straight to the noggin.

Go! BRANDY!
BRANDY used MOONSHINE!
The moonlight is bright!
Enemy RATICATE used ERATICATE!
BRANDY Was fully ERATICATED!
Enemy RATICATE is intoxicated!
Enemy RATICATE joined you!
That didn't work out too well. The rat snatched the bottle from my hands and messed it up like an angry cat with a plushie, but it drained the bottle dry too. Turns out a taste of brandy works just as well to warm up a rat as it does to warm up a human.
BRANDY fainted!
Of course, that did leave me with nothing left but my own self, up against that lanky practitioner. He cracked his whip menacingly at me...
SAMXCVT sent out SAMXCAV!
ROCKET sent out WHIP!
Ally RATICATE sent out RATICATE!
My new friend the sewer rat wasn't looking in any condition to fight, so I ran in fast and gave that whip a taste of old fashioned Chicago-style grappling.
SAMXCVT used CHICAGO GRAPPLE!
Enemy wHIP was frozen solid!
As it turns out, Chicago winters get colder than a dame who's just found out you're broke. I tossed the frozen whip out of the way and went for the goon wielding it.
ROCKET sent out ROCKET!
Ally RATICATE used RAT!
RATICATE ratted out TEAM ROCKET's whole plan!
ROCKET: Ix-nay on aring-shay the an-play, rat! The boss will have all our heads for this!
It was a lot to take in. Here was this sewer rat talking about genetic engineering. Splicing DNA up and putting it back together like a kid's first erector set. Cloning a god and making it their war machine. That failed ages ago - now the rat was chatting about their new project.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it - some sort of unseelie balloon shark from Hell - but I knew they'd give me a pair of cement shoes if I knew any of this.
So I'd just have to give them the same first.

SAMXCVT used CEMENT SHOES!
Enemy ROCKET was bashed with SHOES full of CEMENT!
A critical hit!
Enemy ROCKET fainted!
That was it then. This bloke on the ground, he'd gotten into something way bigger than this city and way bigger than him, and this Team Rocket gang had had him whacked for it. And now I was in it deep too. Well, wasn't that just the apple of a baby's eye...
SAMXCVT won!
One more notch on my belt, for better or for worse.

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.


The player this battle is a brazen mockery of '90s antiheroes. He's totally a cyborg or something.

Battle #12: Cablehauling on the Edge August 12, 2021
Location: Dark City
Player: Nineties Anti-Hero Man [No Record]


NAHMAN is angry!
Hrrr. Must do violence. Must clean city. Swords not rusty enough. Need more gun.
MUGGER appeared!
Bad man! I kill!
NAHMAN used OVERLY VIOLENT ATTACK!
... NARRATOR will leave the details to READERS' imagination!
MUGGER fainted!
Bad man down. Swords more rusty now. Not enough! Need next bad man.
ROCKET EXECUTIVE appeared!
ROCKET EXECUTIVE wants to fight!
Huh? Boss bad man want to fight?
Go, gun!

NAHMAN sent out GUN!
EXECUTIVE Sent out GRAVELLER!
I shoot you in head. You die!
GUN used HEADSHOT!
It's not very effective...
Enemy GRAVELLER is all head!
... Aaaaaugh!!
Enemy GRAVELLER used GRAVEL!
GUN was pounded down into GRAVEL!
GUN died!
Oh, you make mistake now!
I make your death not so fast for that...

NAHMAN sent out KATANAS!
I cut you up!
KATANAS used DOUBLE SLICE!
It's not very effective...
Enemy GRAVELLER used ROLLOUT!
TEAM ROCKET's new product line is being ROLLED OUT!
... What's that?
SNAG BALLS!
Enemy EXECUTIVE used SNAG BALL!
Congratulations! KATANAS was snagged!
What!? You steal my steel!? I keel!
NAHMAN sent out NAHMAN!
Enemy EXECUTIVE sent out KATANAS!
My katanas! Come back to me!!
KATANAS doesn't want to rejoin you!
KATANAS thinks you were a lousy trainer all along!
KATANAS used IMPALE!
NAHMAN was fully impaled!
It's super rusty!
Oh, woe is me, woe woe woe! I lose my katanas! I am impaled, now to die of a broken heart and a broken gut! Never to know love or happiness! Oh, sorrow, trauma!
NAHMAN used ANGST!
It's not very effective...
NAHMAN fainted!
ROCKET EXECUTIVE: Wow, what a pathetic excuse for a hero... At least I got these swords out of him.
ROCKET EXECUTIVE won!
ROCKET EXECUTIVE went off to give KATANAS a rust-removal bath and other TLC and repair!

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.


And now the revelation of a mystery set up quite a few weeks ago and teased ever since.

Battle #13: Confused Ray August 19, 2021
Setting: Game / Reality
Player: Ray [No Record]


RAY is confused!
Aaaaugh!!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Ow ow ow ow ow
Sonofagun gol dang Vulpies and Golbies and Marmags and...!

GOLBAT used CONFUSE RAY!
RAY is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
THERE THEY ARE AGAIN!!
RAY used RAYGE!
RAY's RAYGE is building!
RAY's ATTACK rose!
MAGMAR used CONFUSE RAY!
RAY is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
OWWW!! That makes it even worse, it hurts more!
I swear...

UNDEAD RSACi CLOUD appeared!
UNDEAD RSACi CLOUD hovered menacingly!
...I don't swear, I swear it!
But I am getting out of here as fast as I can git!
Random Teleport!

RAY used RAYNDOM TELEPORT!
RAY teleported somewhere else!

Location: Jakku

Wait...
REY appeared!
Oh hey! It's you! You were in the worst Star Wars movies!
And your name sounds like mine!

REY says it's not her fault ABRAMS and JOHNSON were even more hackish than LUCAS!
REY wants to fight!
C'mon then! Go, Gun!
REY sent out STAFF!
RAY sent out RAY GUN!
Wild GASTLY appeared!
Wild GASTLY used CONFUSE RAY!
Oh no no no no no no...!
REY is confused!
... wait, what?
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Yes!
Gun! Take out that Gastly before it can confuse me too!

RAY GUN used RAY!
RAY was shot at enemy GASTLY!
Wait, wh--
It doesn't affect enemy GASTLY!
RAY kept going and crashed!
... into REY!
REY fainted!
Should I be happy she's down or unhappy my ablative armor's gone...
RAY is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
OW. Owowowow. Unhappy it is...
Enemy GASTLY used NIGHT SHADE!
Entire NIGHT LIFE is throwing SHADE at RAY GUN!
RAY GUN was buried in SHADE!
RAY GUN fainted of humiliation!
Dang, I've got nothing left... Go, me!
Go! RAY!
Great Ball, go!
RAY used GRAYT BALL!
That is not how you spell that...
NARRATOR doesn't care!
Congratulations! Wild GASTLY was caught!
RAY won!

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.


Pirate was actually pretty fun to write so here he makes his yar-har-harish return. Contrary to the original Almighty Webmaster's impression, there is a treasure trove of jokes and to be found in things piratical and maritime.

Battle #14: Things Piratical August 26, 2021
Location: Tortuga
Player: Pirate [1-2-0] Last Battle: Loss vs. Vulpix (T1)


Yarhahahaharrr... Ooohh, me hook hurts.
Losin' to a consarned vixen and run off by ye Royal Navy in a wagon.
I need me a new ship. And a crew. But at least I still have me stock of bootleg DVDs.

PIRATE is watching BACKSTROKE OF THE WEST!
ANAKIN says something about the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH!
OBI-WAN says something obscene!
Yahahahar.
UNDEAD RSACi CLOUD appeared!
...Yahaharhuh?
UNDEAD RSACi CLOUD used GIGABOLT!
OBI-WAN fainted!
That never be happening before, yarr...
BUCCANEER appeared!
Yarhahahar! Me old nemesis!
BUCCANEER wants to fight!
With pleasure! Go, me cutlass!
PIRATE sent out CUTLASS!
Enemy BUCCANEER sent out SABER!
Cutlass, use ye Cut attack!
CUTLASS used instead, LASS!
Not this tripe again...
CUTLASS threw LASSO at enemy SABER!
Enemy SABER is LASSOED! It can't escape!
... This tripe again, then, yea and three cheers! That worked!
Enemy SABER used RATTLE!
CUTLASS is rattled!
CUTLASS's ATTACK fell!
Never ye be feared, sword! Use ye Slash attack, cut it to ribbons!
CUTLASS used SLASH!
CUTLASS showed enemy SABER its SLASH FANFIC!
Yar! Keep ye stories of high seas romance ta ye own time!
Enemy SABER used SLASH!
Enemy SABER's SHIPS contradict CUTLASS's SHIPS!
CUTLASS is angry!
Enemy SABER is angry!
CUTLASS and enemy SABER used VIOLENT SHIPPING WAR!
Enemy BUCCANEER's SHIP was dragged in!
CORSAIR's SHIP was dragged in!
Enemy ROYAL NAVY SPY's SHIP was dragged in!
Half of TORTUGA was dragged in!
Yar, who knew romance could be so serious...
What? TORTUGA is evolving!
TORTUGA evolved into COLOSSAL BALL OF VIOLENCE!
That be me cue to vacate ye premises.
PIRATE ran away!
BUCCANEER ran away!
Battle ended in a draw!

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord


Star Wars: Empire At War is a good game. The expansion, Forces of Corruption, is extremely silly but also good. I wrote this battle on the spot, rather than drawing from my queue. I was inspired.

Battle #15: Republic at War, or something September 2, 2021
Setting: Game 60% / Movies 30% / TV 10%
Player: Anakin Skywalker [2-0-0] Last Battle: Win vs. Pirate (Battle #8)


TYBERZANN appeared!
What? Who are you, Lucius Malfoy?
TYBERZANN is angry!
TYBERZANN says you shot down his PIRATE!
Oh. Oh... Oh yeah, I guess there was a pirate. How long has it been? Ten years?
NARRATOR says it has been SEVEN WEEKS!
TYBERZANN wants to fight!
Oh. Oh! Okay. Go, this blue Lightsaber I've been making!
ANAKIN sent out LIGHTSABER!
Enemy TYBERZANN sent out URAIFEN!
Okay, uhh... Lightsaber, use your Slash attack!
LIGHTSABER doesn't know SLASH!
What? It's a sword, of course it can slash things.
LIGHTSABER used instead, DISMEMBER!
... Oh.
Enemy URAIFEN's ARM was chopped off!
Enemy URAIFEN used REGENERATE!
Enemy URAIFEN's ARM was fully regenerated!
Okay, Lightsaber, use your Dismember attack again!
LIGHTSABER used DISMEMBER!
Enemy URAIFEN's HEAD was chopped off!
...
Enemy URAIFEN used REGENERATE!
Enemy URAIFEN's HEAD was fully regenerated!
No way!
WAY!
One more time! He can't do that forever.
LIGHTSABER used DISMEMBER!
LIGHTSABER's attack missed!
Enemy URAIFEN used CORTOSISBLADE!
LIGHTSABER's BLADE was shut off!
Lightsaber, use On Switch!
LIGHTSABER used ONSWITCH!
LIGHTSABER turned back on!
Enemy URAIFEN used CORTOSISBLADE!
LIGHTSABER's BLADE was shut off!
LIGHTSABER used ONSWITCH!
LIGHTSABER turned back on!
Right, we just have to wait for him to miss now...
Enemy URAIFEN used CORTOSISBLADE!
A critical hit!
LIGHTSABER fainted!
... or not. Go, C3PO!
ANAKIN sent out C3PO!
Okay, Threepio, use your Aggressive Negotiations!
C3PO used AGGRESSIVE NEGOTIATIONS!
Enemy URAIFEN was backed into a corner!
...Literally!
Enemy URAIFEN used CLOAKINGDEVICE!
Enemy URAIFEN ran away!
Okay, what's next, huh!?
Enemy TYBERZANN sent out SILRI!
... Oooh. Is that a lightwhip!?
SILRI says yes!
SILRI used CUDDLES!
... Cuddles? All that spooky Nightsister stuff, and you're cuddling Threepio?
CUDDLES THE RANCOR appeared!
... Oh. Um. Uhh...
Threepio, use your Six Million Forms of Communication!

C3PO used 6M COMMS!
C3PO is speaking RANCORESE!
Yeah!
Enemy SILRI told CUDDLES to use DEVOUR on C3PO!
C3PO told CUDDLES to BREAK ITS CHAINS and be FREE!
Enemy CUDDLES used DEVOUR!
... Oh, shoot. Threepio, watch--
... On enemy SILRI!
Enemy SILRI was fully DEVOURED!
Enemy SILRI fainted!
CUDDLES ran away!
Phew. That takes care of that, I guess.
Enemy TYBERZANN is angry!
Oh, right. Mr. Malfoy's still here.
Enemy TYBERZANN sent out TYBERZANN!
Right, then, Threepio, use Aggressive Negotiations!
C3PO used AGGRESSIVE NEGOTIATIONS!
Enemy TYBERZANN used BRIBE!
It's super effective!
C3PO joined enemy TYBERZANN!
Threepio, you traitor! Return!
C3PO enough! Come back!
ANAKIN sent out ANAKIN!
Ah, shoot, I'm all I've got left aren't I.
YES!
Aight. Ahhh, shoot.
Enemy TYBERZANN says you should JOIN THE CORRUPT SIDE!
Is that anything like the Dark Side.
Enemy TYBERZANN says yes!
Enemy TYBERZANN says it's like that, but FOR PROFIT, WITH CRIME!
. . . Uhhm... Heck no!?
You're just like the Hutts! You're not even doing it to get stronger, just to get richer!

Enemy TYBERZANN says funny you should mention the HUTTS!
Enemy TYBERZANN says he wants to defeat the HUTTCARTEL and BLACK SUN!
Enemy TYBERZANN used BRIBE!
It doesn't affect ANAKIN!
You are just the same. Just another crime ring profiting on the backs of your victims and slaves.
I was a slave once, you know, on a sandy planet called Tatooine. And you know what? I. Don't. Like. Sand!

ANAKIN used ANGSTRAGE!
ANAKIN's ATTACK greatly rose!
TYBERZANN used CLOAKINGDEVICE!
...But, it failed!
Ohnononono. I can still sense you.
Now, you better go home and rethink your life, crime lord...!

ANAKIN used FORCE!
Enemy TYBERZANN was FORCED to GO HOME and RETHINK LIFE!
Enemy TYBERZANN ran away!
... phew ...
What? ANAKIN is evolving!
Congratulations! Your ANAKIN evolved into ROTS ANAKIN!
Oh. This is fine. I guess I'm a Jedi Master or something now?
NO!
ANAKIN can have a seat on the JEDI COUNCIL, though!
... I feel like I should be shouting "Nooooo!" right now... But honestly? I'm not that bothered about it.

If you enjoyed the battle, you can send feedback to the site email or discuss on the community Discord.


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